thexmoffice

[thexmoffice]

It's hard work hiding the truth

Try as they like, there is no way for them to hide the astonishingly disgusting history of the Mormon Church.

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Episode S4E12: Memory Hole (from Season 4: Going Off The Rails)

Kevin: Why won't church history go back in the memory hole?

[thexmoffice]

Holding the priesthood is the only thing a man needs to attract a woman.

S. W. Kimball explained that "almost any [two Mormons] can have happiness and a successful marriage" if they followed his simplistic religious formula. This bad advice alone has caused an untold amount of misery. (See https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/03/oneness-in-marriage.p11)

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Episode S1E13: Wonderful Boyfriend (from Season 1: Mormon Logic At The Office)

Kelly: My new boyfriend is wonderful. He's kind, charming, and has a great job.

Angela: You can only be truly happy with a loyal Dunder-Mifflin employee in a management position

[thexmoffice]

Kevin is struggling to understand the "Cake Shop Controversy"

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Episode S3E12: Gay Cupcake (from Season 3: Tackling Civil Rights Issues)

Kevin: I don't care if this cupcake is gay

[thexmoffice]

He's the smart one taking advantage of a crazy loophole

The racist exaltation ban was not only evil but also inconsistent as hell. I don't remember when I first found out that Fijians and Australian Aborigines weren't subject to it, but what a mind blower.

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Episode S3E11: Fijian (from Season 3: Tackling Civil Rights Issues)

Darryl: How did you get an upstairs desk before 1978?

Stanley: As far as they know I'm Fijian

[thexmoffice]

Amidst real estate and tax-evasion scandals, this is TSCC’s only possible response

I’m so glad some people and organizations are dedicated enough to fight this fight. Laie is an interesting place, with so much prime real estate being used for such a variety of things. So few mormons know the extent of what is going on, but surely at some point it will be obvious.

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Episode S1E13: Real Estate Press Statement (from Season 1: Mormon Logic At The Office)

Reporter: How do you respond to allegations of tax fraud and shady real estate practices?

Michael: Our company handbook is the most correct book on earth and the keystone of our corporate success

[thexmoffice]

The tables have turned - I felt so guilty when I first started drinking coffee, but now I feel guilty when I drink coke!

When I first started drinking coffee I added massive amounts of cream and sugar, but felt guilty because I had been taught for so long it was a sin. Now I put very little cream or sugar in my coffee, and recognize that coke is the real sin.

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Episode S2E09: Coke Machine (from Season 2: Doubling Down On Mormon Logic)

Darryl: The health challenge representatives called and revealed that we have to give up coffee

Stanley: I'll just replace the coffee machine with a coke machine

[thexmoffice]

The thing that bothered me most about the “ponderize” fiasco wasn’t the corruption and attempted monetization - it was the layering on of yet one more requirement in order to qualify as a sincere saint

It’s exhausting being LDS, and my heart goes out to every member that studied the scriptures daily, and then felt inspired to add “ponderizing” to their daily regiment.

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Episode S1E12: Ponderize (from Season 1: Mormon Logic At The Office)

Dwight: Are you sure you don't want to place an order? Have you been studying the catalog every day? Did you remember to ponderize?

[thexmoffice]

TSCC treats gay people like criminals, just one more reason to get out

When I was a (male) teacher of a primary class, I was very upset when I was assigned a co-teacher with the clearly stated reason that a male could not be left alone with a class of children, as a matter of policy. What is the church’s stance on openly gay men teaching primary?

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Episode S4E11: Career Fair (from Season 4: Going Off The Rails)

Oscar: Can I represent the company at the high school career fair?

Anglea: We can't let a gay man be near so many children

[thexmoffice]

We all suffered this abuse, often willingly.

Every child hates general conference. Every teen hates general conference. Somewhere along the line, I should have started liking it, and I know I tried to pretend, but god dammit that shit is awful.

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Episode S4E10: Pepper Spray General Conference (from Season 4: Going Off The Rails)

Andy: Still better than general conference

[thexmoffice]

Have any of you ever quit a job because your boss was an awful person?

Leadership lottery isn’t necessarily unique to the Mormon culture, but the thing that is unique is the eager willingness to “sustain” leaders simply because they’re leaders. Which raises the question of why are they leaders in the first place if they’re not actually qualified for the job?

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Episode S1E11: Sustain My Boss (from Season 1: Mormon Logic At The Office)

Roy: Your boss is a racist, sexist, ignorant idiot

Pam: Well, I sustain my leaders

[thexmoffice]

Even if women are ordained, there is still going to be this.

The patriarchal structure is too ingrained in the Mormon culture and doctrines for it to ever go away. There will never be a time when it is okay for a woman to be the head of a household, or (heaven forbid) for the spouses to be equal partners, without one having to be a higher “rank”.

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Episode S3E10: Feminist - Kelly (from Season 3: Tackling Civil Rights Issues)

Kelly: Being a feminist means rejecting the patriarchy / Except in my own homw where my husband will literally be the patriarch

[thexmoffice]

We’re giving too much trust to untrained, randomly chosen men. They say the lord works in mysterious ways. The power of discernment on the other hand… just doesn't work.

I’d be uncomfortable knowing my bishop’s past was shady, but we don’t usually know, and it’s supposed to be okay since the lord chose him to be a leader. Plus, if he did a good job on my taxes last year we should trust him around our kids.

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Testimonies: Michael

Michael: I was addicted to erotic novels, until my loving Heavenly Father called me to be bishop, where I now sere the youth conducting chastity interviews / Truth is filthier than fiction

[thexmoffice]

What is the opposite of “black”? (TSCC has a different answer depending on the year)

While I was TBM I had no clue about the book of mormon changing “white” to “pure”. To me, this actually seems worse in some ways.

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Episode S3E09: White and Delightsome (from Season 3: Tackling Civil Rights Issues)

Darryl: I'm not a fan of the "White and Delightsome" product line

Andy: Your brochure is out of date / it was changed to "Pure and Delightsome" in 1981

[thexmoffice]

Praise to the man who groomed multiple foster daughters. This is seriously sickening.

Praise to the man who groomed multiple foster daughters. Honored and blessed be his ever great name.

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Episode S4E09: Foster Daughters (from Season 4: Going Off The Rails)

Todd Packer: What has two thumbs, two foster daughters and an iron rod? / This guy!

[thexmoffice]

I literally died when my bishop scolded me for taking everything in the Book of Mormon too literally

This is a big problem with any holy text. If the lay person can’t tell which parts are literal, and which parts are figurative, and there’s no clear way to distinguish, how can it be true.

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Episode S1E10: Literal Handbook (from Season 1: Mormon Logic At The Office)

Michael: Handbook Part 5 recommends three 15 minute smoke breaks / But Part 12 forbids more than two 20 minute snack breaks

Toby: Stop taking part 5 so literally

[thexmoffice]

Icy Hot

Rule 1, do not attempt to apply logic to the word of wisdom. Rule 2, see Rule 1.

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Episode S2E08: Iced Tea is a Hot Drink (from Season 2: Doubling Down On Mormon Logic)

Darryl: This week is a forfeit, I've discerned that someone drank a hot drink

Angela: But it was *iced* tea, how could he have known?

[thexmoffice]

Mormon culture pushes another version of the glass ceiling - it’s much harder to pursue a career if you’re constantly pregnant.

Career women can absolutely have a family as well. But the Mormon church does a number of things that get in the way. First, there is a stigma against stay at home fathers. Second, women are actively discouraged from pursuing careers from a young age (your degree is just a backup plan, etc.). Third, a career becomes less and less realistic the more children you have, because even though the man may be stay at home, he can’t carry and deliver the baby. And all this only addresses the one-man-one-woman households!

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Episode S3E08: Vessel of the Lord (from Season 3: Tackling Civil Rights Issues)

Angela: You know what is better than being promoted to office administrator? / Fulfilling your purpose as a vessel for a child of God