theyearistwentytwenty

[theyearistwentytwenty]

day twelve - hiatus

12/01/2020

Okay, so we took a mini hiatus, and by mini hiatus I mean the will to achieve any goals, get better, improve as a human being or even wake up in the morning took a short detour out of my body. 

So apologies we missed a few days there but truly they were nothing interesting. They mainly consisted of me waking up in the morning, eating, going back to bed, eating, going back to bed etc, occasionally a spur of spirit in the form of a yoga class, shower or shopping trip caused a break, but to put it nicely the last 7 days have not looked pretty. 

And that is one of the things I hate about myself (which I’m aware is very negative talk) but seriously, I created this entire page in order to freely express how I’m feeling, to address my toxic habits privately and to find a way to develop in order to find a healthier life. BUT NO... I had to hit a rough spot and tunnel under, because that’s what I do best when anything happens is hide, lock myself away in my room, with my phone and my imagination that pictures a happy, skinny, sociable and lovable Caitlin, that lives that wants to live. Despite the fact that leaving my room, clearing my head or taking 5 steps to the nearest family member in order to talk about it, might lead me there, I can’t seem to do it. That’s why I didn’t fill this in, nothing tragic or life changing happened, nothing worthy of a 7 day hiatus. My mind and the black hole that it is happened, I sat no less than a metre away from my computer for the last week and you think I did absolutely anything with it. No, I didn’t and I didn’t even have anything better to do. I just resigned to being sad and depressed and lonely and self-loathing and numb. 

I’d like to clarify here that I don’t enjoy being like this, I want to be happy and I want to get up in the morning and feel like I have a purpose in life and even if I don’t have anything to do, still feel a general vibe of joy or contentedness surrounding me. I take full responsibility for the fact I continue to not seek true help, but I don’t know how to talk about it. I mean I’m a healthy, not entirely horrendous looking girl who has a great family, good friends, a stable path in life and no impending doom like events or tragic backstories, so what do I have to be sad about right? And what do you say,  ‘hey psychman, sometimes I can’t really get out of bed and going out one day and never coming back seems like a lovely plan’ that would get me admitted to 2 minutes flat. Now also, do not get me wrong I do not want to die, I just want the feelings to stop. 

So I obviously cannot make promises, because I’m pretty sure I promised I would be on top of this (sorry), but hopefully from here on out it will be better x

[theyearistwentytwenty]

day four - we got a tattoo

04/01/2020

So it’s d day, or should I say t day.

The day I’m getting my first tattoo. We scared my dudes but we are also ecstatic to finally be here. Now I know this doesn’t mean much to some, and to others it’s a big deal but for all the wrong reasons. For me, it’s a big deal for so many various reasons, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to fit it all into one post.

First off and most importantly I have always wanted them, now this may sound cliché but I remember being a little kid and being fascinated with tattoos, all the patterns and pretty pictures people were able to carry on them at all times to remind them off their own personal stories. It’s obviously not to the same degree of significance but it’s like growing up and getting your dream job, something you have dreamt about your entire life and it is finally happening. In simplest terms, it’s becoming a closer person to your ideal self.

However, my ideal self also required constant parental approval and praise in order to survive. Which was an issue, due to the fact the other ¾ of my family vehemently hate tattoos. My brother just shrugged me off in that ‘your going to regret this’ and ‘this confirms for me that you’re definitely an idiot/adopted’ way that older brothers do. Mum was disappointed but remained the stoic rock she has been for me the last 5 years and supplied minimal disapproval and displeasure whilst reminding me that she would always love me. However, my father has been a whole other issue frankly, I mean the man is absolutely intolerant to any beliefs, opinions or behaviours that go against his regiment of what is ‘right’. And trust me he has a fair few about what is right for a lady to do, you know to keep her respectable and pretty and all the other good stuff that we have to be in order to be loved. So yeah, you may have been able to guess how he is currently treating me, which is fair to say he is actually quite successfully ignoring my existence.

This posed a challenge in my process, as now a grown ass woman, I can honestly say with supporting parents I would have gotten tattoos sooner and it was the irreputable guilt that I was betraying them and letting them down, that had stopped me. So without sounding like a self-involved bitch who doesn’t appreciate or respect them (because I do) I counted getting this tattoo as a personal victory for the likes of my personal character. This to me symbolises a tiny slice of independence, of being able to have something that is entirely for me.

So long story short, my hungover ass trecked it’s way to Fremantle with my trustiest friend and we got me a tattoo with a little slice of parental disownership (thanks dad for that one). And I’m absolutely stoked because it looks amazing, I absolutely love it and I have no regrets. Yes dad is still no longer talking to me, but if I want him to talk to anyone I want it to be the most authentic version of me that there is.

-

In other news too, I finished the day with a really nice dinner at my brothers house with the family, his flatmate and their girl. The night had the best summer vibes and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Which was also helped by the continued contact with a certain previously mentioned boy. Now yes, there was a little sexty texty (which is never not appreciated) but it also seemed like we built some other serious connections through deeper conversations which I am living for.

So today, today was a good day.  

[theyearistwentytwenty]

day three - there’s a boy

03/01/2020

Hi guys, so we’re really doing this!

Okay so today had its severe downs and even bigger ups.

So it was on the 2nd that he invited me to a party and that was tonight. Today revolved around what I was wearing, how I was going to do my makeup and most importantly how I was going to act in order for him to be in love with me by the time I was scheduled to leave (haha you know I’m only half joking about that one).

By the time I was due to leave though I was a complete and utter mess, what if I was awkward? What if he didn’t talk to me? What if I made a fool of myself? Am I going to be judged for taking my drinks in a plastic bag? Is it lame if I wear a jacket, because it looks like I’m covering up too much with my jeans as well? What if it’s a pity invite? What if he just wants to invite me for nothing but convenient fuck and then doesn’t want anything to do with me? But worst of all what if he was with another girl? I felt sick to my stomach and several times on the drive there I was half way through asking mum to just turn around the car and I would have to send him a last minute apologies and a weak fucking excuse, but at least then it would be over right.

Now just prelude this to the fact that I’d just told my father that I was getting a tattoo, which had led to the simultaneously loudest and quietest fight of my life. The sense of disgust, loathing and disappointment hung over my head and it only left me feeling sicker.

Walking down that driveway, I was ready to cry but within seconds of knocking and being enclosed in a very welcome hug I was absolutely fine. And Caitlin you would be so proud of me, I had the night of my life. It didn’t entirely revolve around him (I swear) but I made friends, I participated, I drank, I joked and overall I was okay. I didn’t do anything dumb to get his attention, I didn’t follow him around like a lost puppy and I’m currently very proud of me for keeping my shit together.

Because here’s the thing, this is the same boy that I very vividly remember not keeping my shit together around 12 months ago. In particular I wrote the a very sappy piece about falling in love with him and consequently having my heart utterly crushed by him all in the matter of 2 months. I had given up to be honest, we could be friends, distant friends in most respects to be honest. And suddenly he seemed to want more, and I’m so proud of how I have matured to not completely throw myself at him.

So today was in retrospect to ending with me crying over not having dads approval or love any more, a pretty good day!

[theyearistwentytwenty]

day two - introduction

02/01/2020

Okay, so technically first day of writing and first blog/entry piece but officially the second day of January - the year is 2020. 

Now I’m a self confessed addict to journals, diary entries and aesthetically pleasing blogs. HOWEVER, I’m also absolutely rubbish at keeping any of the above up to date and cute (which is frankly the most important part). 

And on this journey to better mental health I think it might be important to start keeping one. So here we are, on a unknown and very lowkey tumblr page letting my thoughts, feelings, concerns, struggles, highlights and everything in between for the following year out. 

This year ahead of me I hope brings many things into my life, most of which I pray are positive. I know that things don’t just fall in our laps either, so I’m aware I’m in for the hard yards. If it means that I can face 2121 with a easier smile than now, I know that it will be all worth it. 

Now Caitlin in 12 months please give 21 year old Caitlin a bit of a break. Sure if she slacks and stops, rage at her with the magnitude of the seven seas but don’t be too harsh on her writing, she’s new to this and she’s attempting to be brave. She cannot wait to meet you and so badly wants to like who you have become.