thisispb

[thisispb]

A Fragment Like Me

Like a fragment blown by a wind so far away, I am nothing but swayed in a space nowhere to be found.

I am in an arbitrary; lost in thought and in deed. But for once I am not lost in you. Because for once, I am fleeting somewhere I am meant to be at. How many times have I said this? It does not matter anymore, because a fragment like me comes and goes, a fragment like me is nothing more than little in this wide, wide world and a micro-occupant of a world that is co-existent.

I have swayed far, far away; I separated with no hesitations and without pain. Once and for all, there is no more aching and no more resisting. Oh, how a fragment like me waited for a moment such as this! Up above the cloudy, dreamy skies, I caught a glimpse of what I have missed: apart from the view of a sphere so vast it could consume my being, I have touched holy grounds that have redeemed me. My spirit, seasonally barren and thirsty, have been resurrected by an enchantment only a former version of me got to be basked in.

I have swayed so far away---somewhere unknown and empty. This place surely is lonely without you, but it is a territory where every single thing I hoped for will materialize. It is mine and mine alone. In this fresh destination, I am stripped off of what used to be because it only holds space for what is and what will be.

[thisispb]

I Know Love Because I Knew You

A lot has changed within the recorded time span. Victories have been encountered, new love has been found, a new beginning has been presented, and considering all these, it all boils down to one yearning---you're supposed to be here with me.

For so long, I have grieved and reeled and walked on this world that exists without you with a void that remains unexplainable. Is it because Venus is in retrograde and suddenly I am in the feels? Or am I naturally hurt, genuinely in pain because of all that has been and could have been? For so long, I have also tried to move past everything; to carry on, to live without inhibitions as it is what I deserve. But what can I do? I know love because I knew you. And because I did, who else could define it better than you (and our relationship) ever did? No one could suffice this.

Were we mere lessons and stop-overs in this lifetime that were meant to be abandoned right after it's passed through? If we were, why do I have the inkling that somehow we aren't? The fruit of that idealization is me holding on to the grief that I held on for months because it is the only trace left of you---I don't think that I am ready to let this go.

I know that dignity is a gift and self-preservation is a necessity, but nothing could ever help me out with this pain but to linger for as long as it exists. Let me stay for as long as I can in this moment because I know there won't be another next time for this. Once I am through, there is no turning back, looking behind.

I know love because I knew you. And it is a truth I know I could never, ever deny nor change for as long as air passes through my nostrils and for as long as I could still walk and run through this planet.

[thisispb]

You don't know me anymore.

10 months into the year, a lot of things have changed and happened---I met new people, I failed, lived my worst fears, I rose up, I tried again, I've succeeded, and I carried on---of course, I enjoyed every bit of it, but somehow, things kind of feel empty yet perfectly fine.

I am happy with my new life, but moving forward just feels so eerie. Moving on and letting go of the things that I was once so familiar with is great. It has opened new horizons for me, and ultimately, things have been more lighter and less problematic for me. I couldn't be more liberated and proud. I can't complain and continuously dwell on the past because all that I have attained at present are every single thing that I once hoped for and longed for when I was at my lowest.

I am happy that you do not know me anymore, for any longer. You are no longer posted on how my day went, of the new friends I made, no longer knowledgeable on things that currently pique my interest and how great things roll for me. I am eternally grateful for this opportunity of forgetting, of losing, and of liberation.

I am happy to forget and be forgotten by something that made me feel less of myself and more insecure of aplenty of things.

[thisispb]

Accomplishing The Dream I Shared with You Without You

Where did time go?

That is the only question that has ran through my mind as the examination fast approached. It sounds cliche, but it seems like it was only yesterday that we have conversed on how anxious I was regarding this admissions test that I am about to take tomorrow. I could vividly remember how much consolation your words of affirmation gave me---you told me that I can do it, that I will accomplish it, and how crucial it is for me to simply relax as it will be mine.

During that time, I was so hopeful of the future because I was confident that you were going to be in it. There was never a day when I did not envision us having a little date after a tiring week of studying and pursuing our dreams---I'd be a Doctor, and you'd be a Professor---and although we knew that it would take a lot, still, we gambled and went after it.

Months passed, and so did our affection. I tried to forgive you for the pains that you have caused me, but time and time again, you have failed miserably (you left me feeling devastated for the nth time). Following that moment is the moment we both have talked about: my admissions test. The running course of my dreams and future not only were dependent on my decisions at present, but also on everything that will turn out during the succeeding months. As usual, when I had these thoughts, not only have I thought about praying and preparing about it, but I also thought of you. This was a big entrance examination that was occurring, so I've wondered if I also crossed your mind while people were blabbering about it. I wondered: even when you've chosen to ghost me, at some point in time recently, have you wished me well already? Upon hearing about this big day, has your heart reminded you of me, and have you remembered how I ranted and how we've discussed about it months ago?

Truthfully speaking, all I ever thought about was you. I thought about you because you were supposed to be here beside me. I wanted you to be beside me not because I only want some company, but because I believed that you were one of the first few who rooted for me. I wanted you to be beside me because I knew in my heart that I built this dream with you. I shared this with you. You were one of those that play a big role on why I chose to pursue this.

Now, accomplishing this dream that I shared with you without you feels daunting. Apart from realizing that I do not know what may happen after this, I came to a conclusion that you never truly were meant to do this with me. I wanted you to be a part of it, but I guess it's really time for me to let it go. But also because of you, for the first time in my life, I looked at the future with so much hope.

For a moment, I had a future to look forward to without fear, with nothing else but dreams filled with so much glimmer and love. However, popular opinion states we do not always get what we want. Things don't always go our way. It's alright. Perhaps, it is time for me to own my dreams and go after it, to push through regardless of whoever leaves and whatever remains. It is obviously a clear sign from God that you were not meant to be here with me anyways. He planted this dream for me, so He'll have to assign me with the responsibility of accomplishing it regardless of whatever comes my way.

Accomplishing the dream I shared with you without you sounds too bittersweet, but the support and belief you have imparted on me lives on; I am not afraid to go after it because for once, there was someone like you who knew I could. Thank you so much. It ends here.

[thisispb]

There will come a time...

There will come a time where I will no longer have to settle for breadcrumbs. By all means, I will be with someone who treasures me, adores me, loves me, embraces me, accepts me, and will take care of me as much as I do and will.

There will come a time where I will no longer cry over his incompetence to show affection. I will no longer have to lower my standards and chip off pieces of me to make him whole, as the one after him will allow me to come as I am and not require anything to make it all feel okay.

There will come a time where I will be loved not only the way I have always wanted to, but in ways that I deserve. Alongside the chocolates, planned dates, and bouquets, he will maintain me not to put up a front merely to impress me and bait me, but because he genuinely wants to. He will pursue me naturally and genuinely and not once will he ever make me feel like it is a chore he is trying to finish within the day.

There will come a time that I will be with someone who is good for me---the one who means it when he respects my parents that he cannot afford to hurt their only daughter the others did.

Someday, there will come a time when all of these will materialize. All in God's perfect timing.

[thisispb]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; if not, it was never meant to be. - Richard Bach

[thisispb]

You see, it's been a while.

How long has it been since I have actually poured my heart into my vulnerable space? As far as I could recall, I have tried composing in a way that is more poetic than ever. I have experimented, and I gotta say it's one of my outputs that I have actually poured my soul and sentiments into. However, for this entry, I refuse to do so as I have decided that it is best to write in a conversational manner which is what I believe I do best (yapping is my lifestyle).

Seven months into the year, five more until we cap it off. So many has happened already. I have loved, I have lost, I have excelled, and have inevitably grown counterproductive along the way. Admittedly, there are things that I wish i could take back; the things I regret that I took for granted that I wish I did not---the warm affection of my first love, the moments in which I should have spent with my departed dearests, the time I have lost due to procrastination and hesitation to put in the work, the rest I deserved but have deprived myself from, and the realizations I wish I realized sooner---all of these continue to linger. All these things in which I have mentioned never ceases to haunt me at night before I doze off, which results to the unhealthy and destructive spiral caused by regret. I try my best to have faith and get back on track and to get on with my life, but somehow, all these things are inculcated in my mind---immortal, everlasting, and beside me everyday.

On a lighter note, the year has five months to go, and I am confident that things are only going to get better from here. I know that these losses do not signify the end, but only a launching of a new dawn. Still, I wish they'd be here beside me and I'd still be able to regain everything that I have lost. I still have many, many opportunities to do so, yet at times I feel kind of anxious that maybe I'll just commit to the same mistakes over and over again. Don't worry though, I try not to. But have you ever been so concerned about something that it just naturally gives birth to negativity? Precisely. If there is one wish that I have for the year, it is that I would be able to make up for all of my losses. I know that my God is a generous God, and that His faith is enough to keep me sane. Hence, I I firmly stand by the fact that things are going to be okay. That it is going to be okay in spite of multitudes of problems that I have and am yet to encounter.

I try my best to stand firm. I try to move on and realize that there is no next time, so I have to make better decisions once the opportunity presents itself to me. I try my best to learn even when my head hurts already. i try my best to not allow my emotions to get the best of me, and this is all because it's been a while. It's only been a while, and there is no rush.

[thisispb]

[thisispb]

You have to stop ruining things for yourself preemptively because you believe they’ll fail anyway. Give yourself a chance to succeed.

[thisispb]

A message from Past Boulevard

May 3, 2023

Ms. New Version of Me

111 Hopeful Future Street

Hi.

First and foremost, congratulations on making it far. I believe that you're currently living one of your dreams, something that you have been praying for, have been fantasizing about for years, and continuously pursuing to maintain it. Isn't it strange how time flies so fast for the both of us? Lifetimes ago, what you have right now's merely aspirations. Now, life has given birth to a new version of you---so unfamiliar, yet so recognizable. You are a blessing to me. I hope your new destination is better albeit the challenging circumstances.

For the new version of me, I know life has been so tough that it pushed you to your limits. Sometimes, you get discouraged because it's ultimately hard. I know that, because I often times see you lurking at my window. When things get tough, I hear you knocking at my door looking for solace: you bang, bang, bang on my locked door! There is not a day that you cease to twist the doorknobs---whether hysterically or calmly---hoping I'd bring you in. Every moment that I am by the aperture every time the storm comes in, you're outside then and again! You're drenched and desperate. You are devastated. And you once again look at me with pitiful, sad eyes that hope to bring you in to offer you soup to sip that mellows your weary soul.

I appreciate your unwavering trust and confidence in me, but to my dismay, you are not welcome in my home anymore. I know you crave for my presence, but it is wrong. I acknowledge that it took traffic, horrendous roads, and uncanny valleys to get to my residence, but you shouldn't have bothered anymore! I live in Past Boulevard, and you now stay in Hopeful Future Street. To get to me, it'd take you many lifetimes of pain and sorrowful miseries, hence, you shouldn't have bothered anymore. Save your time! Me and you, we used to reside on the same side of a beautiful country called "Present," but no longer do we , and I hope you find closure in that. Maybe parts of you still hold on and wish we'd still coincide, but it's not possible anymore. It was a requirement from the Divine Engineer for us to be separated; He said it was for the better. If you forgot when the notice came, it was lightyears ago when the great earthquake hit our area, and everything was shattered by the turbulence. It was necessary to evacuate somewhere, and I have decided so long ago to spare you as the new place that you're destined now offers better opportunities than this place does. These being mentioned, please leave this place completely and don't ever look back. It's your time to nurture a loving home in Hopeful Future Street (even if that means it is without me). Stop revisiting me at Past Street from time-to-time, it's a waste of your precious hours.

Every time it gets hard, breathe the air of your new place---it's refreshing, they say. For every moment it pours, take initiative and make the soup that mellows your cold heart; do not use my ingredients though, make your own. I believe it's better than mine. When the sun rises and smiles so brightly at you, go outside and stop plugging in the devices in your ears to reminisce the chirping of the birds at where you used to be; hear them, and familiarize yourself with the sound. When you reap laurels, remember your hard work and take all the credit. I may have been the origin, but you are the legacy. And lastly, for every daunting minute wherein challenges and tribulations loudly bang on your door, stop greeting them and entertaining them with the exact same antics that you would do here when you were still one with me. You are in a different place now, so those are different entities as well.

To Ms. New Version of me, embrace your new life. Embrace the life that is separated with me, but one with your inner self. You are your own woman now, it's different and it's not the same anymore. But don't fret: it's different and not the same anymore.

Visit me only to sip some hot cocoa milk, but never forget to leave once the cup boils down.

- Somebody that you used to know

[thisispb]

It's hard to fall in love and recover after an excruciating heartbreak.

Life goes and the world will not stop turning around for us, and that's a fact. Recovering from a heartbreak is not an excuse for it to do so. Moments of failure and loss make me realize how hard it is to remain steadfast and resilient---to keep my composure so I could go on my tasks, to push through and tick off every assignment that I am supposed to comply to, most of all to live normally after everything has been said and done.

The past few weeks have been so draining for me, hence making the previous months grievous and almost pathetic. Faced with a hundred shortcomings and sleeping with a million tears, life naturally became so much of a lackluster; it has became uninteresting that it feels like a bright tomorrow is not promised, as it will be just the same as others. It's hard for me to fully grasp the idea that I have to move on and that I am the one who is in-charge of myself. Accountability surely is one of the primary goals of living, but it's easier said than done. Confronting grief and mending a wearied soul that's coupled with a chipped heart is no-joke. This honestly triggers me that it took me back to the dreadful years of my life.

Having that mentioned, I came to a conclusion that it is hard to fall in love and recover after an excruciating heartbreak. It is so challenging to push yourself to find joy and passion in the things that you once believed in and hoped for. During these times, we catch ourselves asking mind-boggling questions that keep us up at night:

Was I ever enough?

Will I ever be enough?

What if this is it? What if this is the peak of my greatness?

What if the opportunity will no longer present itself to me and I've passed it all by?

Who am I, really? What do I do now?

It's easy to dwell upon these at night and harder to recover, but then again: the world will not adjust for us. It's hard to confront the ugly disposition that our lives are in, but allow the glimmer of hope to convince you that it's not over yet. We still have a fighting chance. We will recover. We will be greater.

That being said, let's gain a fresher perspective on things: the turbulence that I have confronted months or years ago paved the way for the new beginning that I step into right now. The clearing of what was familiar to me enabled the fruition of all things new. I am not who I used to be, and it's for the better. My heart bleeds thousands and a million times more, but it beats trillion times proportionate to every moment the pain pours.

[thisispb]

When everything seems to falls apart...

It's academia season! Well, it started months ago, but I just wanted to make an open letter for very student that's currently struggling to find peace in their situation, most if all if it's a disappointing one:

When everything seems to fall apart, it's okay to back down and give up--even just for a moment.

Yes, you're strong and very, very resilient, but each day has its own level of pain that requires a variety of range in terms of strength. Your best varies everyday, so take it easy! Do not allow your fears nor your failures to label you and to diminish your self-confidence. You are intellectual and disciplined, and one unproductive day nor such failure has the power to erase that truth.

Worrying will only take you far, and most times it is painstakingly time consuming and only brings out the worst in us; do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:34). When everything seems to fall apart, I hope that you'll never fail to believe that a God watches over you and have ordained each day strategically and seamlessly--a greater force is behind you to comfort you, and take care of you, so take it easy! This'll all come to pass.

When everything seems to fall apart, remember that someone who is bound to reach greater heights and achieve big things shall never allow any failure or mistake define them. It is totally okay to mess it up as sometimes things really don't go according to plan. Someday, these failures will only be a part of a testimony of a brighter tomorrow, and will soon be labeled as the defining moment of your success: one that brings value to each sacrifices done, and a reminder of a version of you that once believed of the promising future you'll hold someday.

Failing is normal, and even when you'll miss out because you had to take a break, it's fine. It is okay to take a step back after a very excruciating season, much more you don't have to justify why you fell off-track. As the song goes: slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be anything you wanna be before your time. So, it's okay! Keep in mind that you can still make up for everything that you've lost, and you'll come back stronger as you are no longer starting from scratch, but from experience. Success is nothing but a series of failures then one day, you hit it right. Persevere, but also do things moderately. have some adequate proportion of self-respect to learn how to listen and provide for what your body needs, and not just satisfy the ego's wants.

When everything seems to fall apart... it's okay. You're still meant for greater things, and if you don't believe it, why not get some cup of hot chocolate drink and look outside the window to ponder how back then, you only used to pray for one of the things you have now? It may not have gone the way you wanted it to be, but you're still here. At the end of the day, that's what matters the most.

Keep breathing, human. There is more to life than mere business and romanticism of the hustle culture. You'll get back up and begin again when you're ready. I believe in you! God's got you! <33

[thisispb]

I wrote this blog entry to feel better and to redefine what "evolving" truly means for me. First and foremost and before anything else, I'd like to state that I am still terrified of putting my thoughts elsewhere, most of all in public. I'm not used to it as my go-to platform to channel all of my frustrations is just simple within a notebook; a notebook which contains all of my manifestations and my desires and my ideas--from the happiest ones all the way down to the gut-wrenching ones.

Anyway, let's get past that. To get to the main point of this entry, what does evolving or (to) evolve mean? Some may be quick at their feet and say: the word "evolve", from the dictionary, means to develop gradually especially from a simple to a more complex form. It is synonymous to the words develop, progress, advance, or move forward. (How long that answer is!) The other would rather say that the word "evolve" is mainly an overused word either by a public servant, your teacher, or your parents that are hoping that you'd mature even when you're only a teen. Yikes. Evolution or evolving is a word with a broad definition to some, but for me, to evolve means not merely to move on, but to persist through detaching oneself to what is no longer serves him or her, basically it is the art of letting go.

One is evolving not only through changing but by making room for greater things, and by all means it may be though cutting off any unnecessary drama, disconnecting from people who pull you down (energetically speaking), disconnecting from things and tasks you no longer resonate with, and forgetting your desires that you no longer see yourself in. Best believed that evolution is a long, long process yet keep in mind that one may gain greater and so much more through enacting it.

Evolving means leaving. Since one is making room for what serves her (or him), this is a highly important task to do. As a sentimental girl, I really think that it is so hard to do this very thing (leaving) because I know that it may mean no longer being in touch with what I am familiar to, and I know that leaving means no longer looking back even when I am tempted to; but since in this season I am required to flourish, I am left with no better answer but to go ahead and throw it all away. Thinking about it just feels so heartbreaking on my end, but what is more painful than missing out on what is truly meant for you? What is more excruciating that being committed to this dream that you thought is meant to be yours (when in fact it isn't), then realizing in the end that you were never fulfilled, but only living in your delusions? Perhaps it is with a heavy heart and a sorrowful soul that I get to leave and see someone else take my place, but it is better to go after what is for me than hope for what is not... it is always better to cope and rebuild, than to cope but stay the same.

Finally, evolving means acceptance. Acceptance, as we know it, at times has a negative attachment to the word. When we "accept" something, it usually means coming from a situation that have disappointed you so deeply, but let's reframe that for a bit. Sometimes, you have to acknowledge that acceptance also means receiving. Receiving love, receiving light, receiving grace, receiving forgiveness, receiving favor, and the list goes on... now that I (and you) are evolving, we must come into terms with the fact that not only do we accept the pain or the defeat that came before it, but we must also be open to accepting the things that the Divine God has prepared for us in the end. Acceptance does not only come from a place of excruciation, but also from a channel of all lighter lighter and better.

Evolving is painful, evolving is hard. But while doing so, we must learn how to disconnect, to leave, and to accept so we can achieve the greatest project/s that we have established of all time. For now, take it all in by closing your eyes and through your heart beating.

Take it all in.

[thisispb]

[thisispb]

Hindi mo gid makuha gusto mo kung hindi ka mangamudlay.

The title for tonight’s entry is a sentence from my dialect in which my elders would always tell me. In English, it could be translated as: You won’t get what you want if you won’t work hard for it. 

Just to share a piece of how life’s going lately, I must say that it has been productive and very much far from how I used to live. If you’ve at least read some of my entries in the past, you could say that my life was missing a puzzle piece, and seeks to fill an unidentifiable void. Contrary to it is now, my life has been very vibrant and productive; as a matter of fact, I even ranked up and legit elevated to greater heights than of the past. Perhaps I am still far from where I want to be in, but I am already steps further from where I used to be. It sounds too cliche, but it’s the truth and I don’t mind announcing that. 

I used to think that once you’ve obtained (some, if not all) of your goals, then life would be perfectly fine---literally unproblematic, unfazed, and always happier than ever---but the truth is, it is not always like that. Even when I have already deciphered what was truly meant for me and what is not, life just became more challenging. Challenging in a sense where I struggle to maintain my “stature” at times, challenging as in wondering if until when your potential remains at its peak or if it’ll be an upward trajectory rather than the opposite, challenging in a sense where you’re always finding ways to innovate and improve yourself. Being at par with people who are impeccable in their own right could really make you think in a certain way. 

It’s easy to overthink shit once you continuously compare and complain, but one must understand the value of hard work, or in my case, a challenge. The real enemy are not really the people around me or the circumstances that I couldn’t change; it’s that version of me who continuously abides by imaginary deadlines and she who adheres to limiting beliefs. Going against it every single day is tough, but again, I could never obtain what I want---lasting impact---if I am constantly afraid of a challenge. That’s how life works; you’ll have to struggle and thrive even when it sucks, but keep in mind that the only way is through. You could never proceed to the next level without struggling. 

Remember that small steps matter when it comes to hustling and working. Keep in mind that without a challenge, one wouldn’t grow. Whatever that problem or issue that stands in your way, refuse to surrender your laurels by keeping in mind that hindi mo makuha gusto mo kung hindi ka mangamudlay.

[thisispb]

Lately...

So lately, I have not been able to post ANYTHING on this blogsite. Life has been hectic, but not in an infuriatingly tiring way; rather it is the kind of stress that I have been looking for in a while. It’s been productive, exciting, and vibrant. It’s been full of life. Just as Taylor Swift says: and all at once, this is the one I have been waiting for. 

For the past few years, crap just continuously hit the fan and it has been frustrating on my end... well, who won’t feel the same way if you’d experience such things, aber?! But I am actually so grateful to God that I survived. Perhaps I did not obtain what I’ve always wanted to, but at least I got the opportunity to experience the worst, right? Not in a “toxic positivity” outlook, but my WTF moments most certainly prepared me for more as it is what life is all about. I just pray for things to be bearable if not perfect. 

Oh well, what else could possibly go wrong?! 

[thisispb]

I’m VERY excited to show you the back cover of Speak Now (my version) including the vault tracks and collaborations with Hayley Williams from Paramore and Fall Out Boy. Since Speak Now was all about my songwriting, I decided to go to the artists who I feel influenced me most powerfully as a lyricist at that time and ask them to sing on the album. They’re so cool and generous for agreeing to support my version of Speak Now. I recorded this album when I was 32 (and still growing up, now) and can’t wait to unveil it all to you on July 7th http://store.taylorswift.com

PC: Beth Garrabrant