thoughtsbecomehim-blog

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

this blog is officially dead

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i dont feel like i have anybody i can talk to so this is all just going out into empty space for the sake of posterity

i feel like i am being torn apart. sorrow, self pity, anger. hopefulness. the usual shit associated with heartbreak i guess. ive for now and potentially forever lost the person i want. she intermittently wants nothing to do with me and it makes me feel like something less than dirt. we built our lives together, not without mistakes and hardship, for four years. in a number of very important ways i have failed to be what she needed or became it too late. you can’t make somebody want to be with you. i just know that i want her. my memory tells me that most things i do are for her, from the small fires to put out before they turn into big ones for her, from the big ones like moving across the country twice to be with her. i breathe this person. seeing her happy from something i’ve done for her is the best feeling in the world for me. the road to hell is paved with good intentions i suppose. 

seeing my roommates happy with each other is like a hammer to my heart as well. their happiness is gut-wrenching and makes my recently deteriorated spirit shrink more and more. they have been a large stressor on our relationship since shortly after we moved in with them. everything was fine, in fact very good at first. i was excited to come home to our house and despite the looming debt of a 4000 dollar bill to get my vehicle back having a place to call our own again negated that. they do not live the same way we do though, they do not respect our things the way they should be nor do they treat shared space with much if any mutual respect. 

i told a close friend about some of this over drinks and found out last night that he was doing something bad to another friend of mine. so the guy i was at least willing if not comfortable talking about the turmoil in my life about has lost a ton of respect from me. i dont think i can look at him the same way for a while. i can tell my mom anything but she just doesnt really get it and it’s hard to counsel somebody when they are explaining why and how their relationship between two mentally suspect/unwell people has failed. 

ive found some refuge in listening to more music but that doesn’t last. every time my brain isn’t occupied it’s agonizing over what is going to end up happening which is just so unbelievably unhealthy. it is hard to hide whats going on at work and i cant magically be in a work mood when i need to be so when people inevitably ask whats wrong i mostly just want to scream out loud and die. i’m not under the assumption that break ups should be easy but i don’t know how you can ever really be ready to deal with it. 

starting a new schedule at work is also not an appealing idea and when i have days off by myself i have no ability to fill the entire day with productivity. those activity gaps are equally agonizing and the time spent in them seems to last three times longer than in reality. i realize the onus is on me to fill those gaps but part of the issue is knowing one is coming and then the anxiety setting in makes it hard to accomplish anything. 

we are also dealing with a flea infestation that our roommates are under the impression we, but specifically me, am responsible for. it has solidified the financially unwise but necessary decision to leave after the lease is up in march, along with my now ex partner potentially back to florida for good. 

i just feel like a lot of things have stacked against me in a very short amount of time. My relationship deteriorated quickly after we went out with our roommates for one of their birthdays where we felt obligated to go, spend basically all of our money doing so instead getting groceries or whatever. we both had an extremely bad time and took it out on each other. weeks after that her coworker let loose that another coworker has falsely claimed that she and i had ‘fooled around’ which was both completely removed from reality and a vicious attempt to hurt my partner at the expense of my own life and privacy over a crush she has on a guy my partner occasionally hangs out with as friends. the seed of doubt planted, my partner broke up with me because she could not believe me saying it wasn’t true. among a mountain of other more important things, true, but that was the final catalyst. the following two days were filled with hard, crushing words that make me shrivel even remembering.

i know the ways i have failed her as a partner. i know the ways i have loved her and done the right things for her as well. the bad outweighs the good for her. that’s life. i hope we choose to begin anew. as the adults we are. i cannot imagine ever wanting to take care of another person the way i do with her, nor can i imagine being more willing and eager to do so. it is very, very challenging to not let my anxiety about this affect the space i need to give her. being around her literally dissolves my insecurities, this was the first year i have been without a shirt around people who arent extremely close friends or family in 11 years. her being good for my mental health isnt a reason to stay with me though. 

ive been thinking about getting a therapist. just somebody to talk to that i dont have to associate with on a regular basis. the first 15 years of my life were intermittently spent in therapists offices with questionable results. i dont know that i can cite any tangible benefit directly related but i know that i dont have any desire to do to somebody else what was done to me so maybe thats a win for therapy. i cant see myself getting seriously suicidal, outside of the momentary contemplation we all experience when things are very tough. but there are some self harm issues, body image issues and other various things that i dont believe i work out myself. there’s also the realization that sometimes stuff like that you just have to carry. it’s not going to leave no matter who you talk to or what pills they give you. whatever facet of my personally that makes me feel like talking about my feelings with my friends is just unloading unwanted baggage for them i truly resent. 

every bad feeling you can have about yourself is something i’ve experienced daily for the last two weeks. i want to both collapse and explode at the same time. i want to feel your hand in mine and your lips against mine. i know it’s not going to happen for a long time, if ever. 

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

Blips

trying to steel my expectations while my heart both swells and shrivels

my brain makes sense of this one minute and loses it the next

if I have ever made you feel like how I feel then I deserve this

Emotion dumping having a negative result is, unsurprisingly, soul crushing

Tired behind the eyes, this is willpower alone today

Talking to yourself is objectively stupid but I'm not going to hide emotion anymore. Just going to release them in measured, healthy ways

For all that anxiety, it melted away the second you touched my hand and came back the second I left the house

This is hard, and will probably get harder before it gets better

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i can never imagine being out to sea without you but battered and weathered our ship's not safe to sail without putting it back together and we've got a ways to go until we're again seaworthy

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

and it’s fitting

that losing the muse 

whos incredible magnificence 

first inspired

this kind of

articulation

has again

given me the need

to articulate.

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i found my heart in florida

on a beach 

with a beauty i had no idea could exist.

and i never imagined that 

two years, four months and seven days

would pass before

my heart stopped.

1800 miles will again separate me from my fire

my queen,

my serene sunrise 

and

my sense of being when looking 

at your immaculate eyes.

i love you in the way that

the ocean loves to crash on the beach

but i am not a strong swimmer

and i have drowned

because i never bothered

to learn.

1800 miles

of mile markers

and indifferent asphalt

will take me back to mountains that

i never had the courage to climb alone.

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i am atlas, and my shoulders are strong.

i am atlas, and i know despair well.

i can lift despair 

but not forever

and it is cold, in my rightful place 

yet your radiance 

gives me the warmth i need

to press

onward

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

omega.

since i was a child

i’ve found comfort in space.

who knew, then,

that i’d grow up

and meet the universe personified?

\\

i found the stars in your eyes,

the reaching darkness in your hair

and the moon in your skin. 

and for somebody

so obsessed 

with our material reality,

it’s quite unreal 

that i’d be able to cherish it so little

when it’s right in front of me.

\\

i am nothing

if not a man who 

knows regret well

and learns from it better.

\\

you put the sun in my chest

and it’s gotten hotter every day since

and never again

will i ignore the burning

b l i s s 

that is holding

the universe at my chest

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

despite the bitter cold and a wind laced with teeth all the winter sunrise reminds me of is a summer spent in the gulf coast looking at a horizon not dissimilar walking along a shore awe struck by the beauty of both the sky and the girl underneath my arm the sun indifferently set on what would be the most important nine days i have seen so far

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

if i am honest

one thing about myself i have always

noticed

is that i see things

before they happen

and 

when i spent those first 

nine

days with you

i saw two seniors

still in love after all 

the tribulation

if i am meant for anything

in this life 

it is to give you a life

that in sixty

years

you can't help but smile

when you think back to it

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i came home to a cup of cold black coffee

and my room

now serving as a reminder

that you are gone

i'm always left wondering

if i should have kissed you more 

or told you i loved you more

but as i sit watching the same sunrise

that is greeting you at thirty five thousand

feet

i can find comfort in two things

every moment spent with you

was bliss

and that feeling

will be back 

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

Wind ripping through me while Wave crash without Relent In the same way the sand occasionally blinds me at times So to has your radiance over the past six days and I leave here today With the assurance that in this largely cold and unfriendly world I want you by my side To both guide me and love me And if my absurd fragility has taught me anything It is that I need to be right the first time and for the first time I know I am.

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

anger mounting 

while i sit in the middle of a desert

in some damp sand 

thinking to myself that surely this is enough water

to keep our plant healthy

when the more likely sceanrio

is that the heat is playing tricks on me

while i run bone dry dirt through my fingers

thinking about

how this must be enough

because the plant has not died yet

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

i can nearly see you in my bed

so very close to being tangible

in spite of the cold

and indifferent highways 

that separate me

from what makes a convincing case for soulmates

as if something so grand

could really inhabit 

my fragile and frustrated body

and funnier yet

that i would be entitled to you

and your magnificence

i am having a hard time reconciling that

i seek embrace from my bed

because i cannot have yours

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

far too seldom is a true mirror held to my face

so that i might see what true vileness really looks like

and that i might truly recognize

that i am a solar parasite

leeching whatever warmth i can

from your stunning radiance

breathing life into me 

that i have

never

been entitled to

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

similarly

it is strange to be 

at odds with yourself

after coming to an

understanding

that has plainly been

in front of you the entire time

and 

the arrival at a now cold answer

no longer useful

leaves me

feeling a bit cold myself

and how wretched a creature i am

that i would seek 

to warm myself in your light

after having taken its

radiance

for granted.

[thoughtsbecomehim-blog]

it is strange 

that one can build a wall 

along the same path

you want nothing more than to travel

to the end of time

and it is strange 

that you can remain oblivious

to the omnipresent shadow

cast over

over all you seek to see

and what a strange sensation it is

to see everything you have wanted to see

and still remain unable

to verbalize

your

sheer

awe