thoughtsofpatrick

[thoughtsofpatrick]

A letter to my beloved bluehead

It is now 107 days ago,3 months &17 days, 2612 hours or 156736 minutes since you last wrote to me. I think, no I know, that you have never thought of me since then. It was like a kick in the face, as if you were stabbing me in the heart with a knife. What felt like the best day of my life on 4 April 24 became one of the most painful days of my life on 17 August 24. You were the most beautiful boy in this world. With your blue/blonde hair, your deep blue eyes and the feeling of emptiness in them. I hardly noticed your coldness in the actually so warm summer, much too flashed why you liked me of all people hid the actually so bad qualities. I don't want to say you're a bad person, I just think you could have done better. But you didn't care. In the beginning, everything seemed so perfect, like a dream. First date, first kiss, first love. Your hands touched mine. We watched series, walked a lot and I never realised how little we actually talked. Talked about the important things. The future, the past, I just wanted to escape from myself. Nevertheless, I remained honest. Unlike you. You talked so much, but you never said a word about what actually made you tick. I fell in love with a vision of you that I made up to avoid the pain of being alone. I dreamt of you writing me love texts, coming to me and kissing me. I dreamt of you holding me in your arms and telling me that everything would be okay. Instead, I lay in bed and looked desperately at our chat. Ignored for 24 hours. You did that a lot. Despite the fact that we were official, you kept me hidden. You didn't care if we saw each other, I always asked to meet up. Like I was dead weight in your world, why did you want me again?

You even skilfully ignored my birthday. Instead of a present or the simple words "I love you", I got a long text that summarised something like "I'm sorry, but we don't work anymore". All the pain, all the wasted time, all the gifts and all the setting apart for breaking off contact via text. I am angry with you. So angry. So sad, so incredibly sad. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just said "I forgive you" and left. I couldn't visit our places for a long time. When I made it 3 months later, I cried like the first day. Every day I dreamt that you were thinking about me, missing me and writing to me. Nothing ever happened. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. Maybe you were a lesson that was supposed to hurt. I don't give my heart to anyone so quickly anymore. I feel stupid, but I still miss you. Not as Doll as back then but I still look for you in everything I see.

-P

[thoughtsofpatrick]

Loveletter to a friend

I don't think you think much of yourself, which is a shame because somehow I see something in you.

I think we're kind of the same, and yet really different. You seem like you're way too hard on yourself, which is a shame because you actually do so much. Too much, if you ask me. You say you don't care what others think but I sense that you actually just feel something like insecurity. A little stone that keep kicking back and forth. If someone asked me what I thought of you, I'd say, "He's cool and funny. You can get up to a lot of nonsense with that guy". If you asked me deeper, I'd say something like, "I really feel sorry for that guy. He's far too nice and sweet a soul for what's going on with him. I don't really know him, he doesn't open up much which is definitely his right, if he tried to talk I'd be there. I think the boy can be more than just funny. I think he can do more than just write. He doesn't give much away, at least not obviously, but if you try really hard to get to know him he actually gives a lot of signs. A sweet soul just waiting to finally be seen. There's something big in this kid, he just needs to find out what. " We are all dreamers, everyone decides what to make of it. Your passion for things that make you burn inspires me, if the actions and things you do were a woman it would be my muse. I find love in every cell of your body. You seem like you have a short fuse, sometimes I just want to hug you if that's what you want, I'd like to be a real friend to you. Don't get fucked by anything that doesn't matter anyway. Grow up little man.

-P