thoughtsunderthecover

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I've always thought about the buddist belief that life is suffering. And hence, I've always wanted to die young. I don't want to reach an age when I am frail and unable to enjoy life.

In the past two years, all I've thought about is dying. Dying is simply the easiest way out especially during times like this when you cannot fully enjoy life; when all you think about are worries and the pain that other people are probably experiencing with their loss. I am at the point of wanting to give up on life and just wanting to die. The only thing that keeps me glued to this world is my little family of Bears - Billy and Hoagie. But I wonder when would life be more worth it than death.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Laguna // Instagram / Website

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I wish I could easily sleep at night so I don't have to overthink.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Trading is still difficult these days and I find myself snapping when I am upset with my trading decisions. Probably the good side of it is after a streak of losses since March, I am getting an understanding of what I've been doing wrong. I often describe myself as a very resilient person and so if I stick towards the learning process with strict risk management, I should get there soon enough.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Happiness. The most elusive thing that people like you and me seek. It is as fleeting as moments you'd like to keep engrained into your heart and soul and as difficult to grasp as love.

In the past year I've been having the worse episodes of my quarter/half life crisis which was even strengthened by the prolonged pandemic. After bumming for almost 2 months now I am not a centimeter closer to finding my purpose and happiness.

What is it really that could make one happy? After realizing how sudden death can come across you, I've realized how I must focus on things that matter; trying to find more time for things I enjoy and less for work. It is for this reason that I decided to quit (in addition to my anxiety attacks). And yet, here I am, still lost and trying to grasp how I can catch a glimpse of true happiness.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Why so timely?

“Reason cannot defeat emotion, an emotion can only be displaced or overcome by a stronger emotion.”

— Baruch Spinoza

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I have a really painful feeling in my chest.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I want to be reckless,

I want the license to be a failure,

I want to be able to feel rejected and dejected,

I just want a life I can fully dictate and not remain in the shackles of being responsible and miserable.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Typewriter Series #2324 by Tyler Knott Gregson

[thoughtsunderthecover]

[thoughtsunderthecover]

Dark Chocolate Almond Ice Cream

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Timeouthomes

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[thoughtsunderthecover]

I am unsure what kind of spell you casted on me,

But it had an addictive effect on me.

I was instantly enticed by your wits and truly enchanted by your grace,

It's been more than two months now when we saw each other,

About a month since you told me you'd want to stop talking,

And yet I find myself obsessing over you.

I don't know what kind of spell you casted on me,

And I don't know how to handle it.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I've always thought that labels are silly.

I hate discussing labelling things about me.

But once, I had to crave for a label to feel at ease.

After several years I come back to the conclusion that labels are useless.

[thoughtsunderthecover]

I've never been good with words and I think that that is the main reason why I find people who can write very well enticing.

A long time ago I used to keep everything to myself but nowadays I seem to be too honest.

It feels like I am always at the extreme ends of things.

I am also a rational irrational, full of contradictions, unable to piece myself together into something concrete, with a solid form. I am always bending, flexing, changing and somehow I feel that it isn't good.