thoughtswordsandshit

[thoughtswordsandshit]

Do you ever feel so lost in your mind and body that you can't grapple the existence of your body? Of yourself? Suddenly you feel like a figment of someone else's reality. Suddenly you don't belong to yourself. Then again when have you ever ?

[thoughtswordsandshit]

So so so suffocated.

[thoughtswordsandshit]

I know the last time we met needn't be the final time, but it's so scary to think that it almost could be.

Hurts.

[thoughtswordsandshit]

The thought lingers in my mind: isn't it only a matter of time until death comes to me? I can't help but crave the pain or the end of it. It feels like my emotions are pouring out, and I'm bleeding until there's nothing left inside. It's as if I have no past, present, or future, and everything is just a blur. It's like living a life that I may not even remember, or not living at all. I am so tired of feeling tired, but I do remember the days I lived, the recent memories and laughs with people close to me. Lately, I've been trying to live more. I don't know if I'm being delusional about the occasional distractions, but I do know I am in pain. Everything around me seems to be crashing down on me, but the moments I've lived, the moments I've felt alive, the moments I've felt grateful to be alive for, they make me feel like, while dying inside, I am being born again.

[thoughtswordsandshit]

Sometimes, there are moments when the ache within me is indescribable. It's a deep pain that resonates in my soul, as I grapple with the realization that this body I inhabit is mine alone. There's no escape from this existence, except through death, which suddenly feels like a familiar and welcoming concept. The thought of lying in the soft grass with no consciousness, free from the burden of yesterday, today, or tomorrow, seems like a blissful state of eternal rest. To embrace the end, to be free from the weight of thoughts, from the constraints of this body that no longer feels like my own, is a fleeting desire that haunts me. It's becoming increasingly challenging to simply live, to survive. I long for a day when I don't feel like a burden, when I don't have to accept sadness as my reality. I yearn to see the world with vivid colors, without doubting its existence or convincing myself of its reality. It's a bewildering state of mind, torn between accepting the void that seems to encompass everything and continuing to search for a glimmer of hope, for a brighter tomorrow. I look around and see people who are genuinely happy, and envy fills my heart. I want to experience that joy someday, though I still question if I've truly been happy before, or if I was simply distracted from my sadness. Nevertheless, I accept that uncertainty. You know what I hate the most? The fact that there are people in my life who genuinely wish the best for me, even when I struggle to do so for myself. Yet, I feel as though I am trapped in a glass box, unable to fully connect with them. I feel empty, as if a barren wasteland has taken over my once familiar sense of self. I miss the person I used to be." It's suffocating not knowing which version of me others love, the old one or the new one. This journey of processing and healing feels like a never-ending battle, and at times, it's exhausting. It's as if I am merely passing the time, counting minutes, hours, and days until it all comes to a stop, and I despise this feeling with every fiber of my being.