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does anyone fuck with my unhealing wounds⁉️

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08/04/25

total serotonin dump

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06/16/25

the avoidance shit is getting really bad. i'm getting sick of talking to my girlfriend and she has been annoying the shit out of me. smaller issues that did not bother me before are becoming irritating and i don't want to open her messages. the conversations have gone from boring to. sort of exhausting? and she's picking up on it and it bothers her, and it's not her fault. this is always what happens. i don't know why i was being optimistic before. how the fuck am i supposed to tell her how i feel? i have to tell her regardless, but i'm not sure how to convey that information. it's going to hurt really bad. she does not deserve this. i told myself i was getting better and that i was doing the work but nothing changed. and everything is fucked again. i don't know how other people don't feel this way eventually. i get so fucking jealous when i see other relationships. what the fuck is going on with me? sometimes, legitimately, i think that i predisposed myself to shitty relationships where i need everything to hurt because that's how it was with sydney. and i had such powerful and painful feelings that now i NEED to have something go wrong so i can feel a part of that again. i conditioned myself to self destruct because i need to feel it again and again. i can't even blame anybody. i was a shitty and stupid teenager and now i'm stuck like this until i unlearn it. i still feel like a teenager all the time. i feel like i haven't grown at all. and that i'm just pretending to be who i am. but i have changed, and i'll keep changing. but that's not how it feels.

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06/06/25

i mean there's no way i'm using this blog too much. it's MY fucking blog. i can say whatever i want on here. fuck star wars! i dont give a fuck!

i watched the avoidant attachment video again and it hurts to watch but i need to confront this pattern of behavior if i'm ever going to get better. i've been dating this girl for almost a year now, and only NOW is the boredom/annoyance cycle kicking in. i mean thats wrong actually i felt like that while she was staying with me. but it also feels like that now. and she's not staying with me so it's abnormal. thats wrong actually it's totally normal. this happens to me in every relationship. i've chained emotionally cheating to breakup to getting with new person like 3 fucking times. i dont want to feel like this. it really feels like this is karma for some shit i did. and it sort of is: i didn't confront these behaviors before and now i'm still dealing with them. i just want to be able to connect to someone and to love them. i feel like i have so much thats been welling up inside of me and i dont know how to let it out. i've tried so hard. and i'm such a cunt and i have this stupid fucking blustering persona bullshit that everybody sees and nobody can see through it. ok well one person is able to but i dont want to get into that. i've worked so hard to build up this image and nobody wants to crack through to see what is underneath and i cant stop it now and they shouldnt have to. its nobodys job to try and figure me out. i dont expect anybody to but also it hasn't happened and it hurts. i think my girlfriend believes it, and maybe i try the hardest with her. i just dont want to feel this way and ive tried to fucking hard to get better and imm the same piece of shit i was at 23 and 21 and 19 and fucking 15 and yeah i'm better but i'm also worse. i'm a big fucking mass of fake bullshit and if anybody did get to the core they would see that i fucking suck ass and i fuck everything up every time. i don't want to feel this way. and one day i am going to get better i have to

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05/31/25

i try not to think about jadynne. when i do, it's like a knife is removed from my guts and i start spilling out. i can't think about her because i don't love her in the right way. she's not the girl thst i used to be in a relationship with. that was almost 10 years ago. but still, i project an image of perfection onto her. it's the only relationship i never fucked up and i fucked it up anyways. i guess the guilt is less because i was a stupid teenager. every year i think about how different things would be if i never broke up with her. maybe we would be happy. but i'd probably fuck it up the same way: i wanted to fuck a bunch of strangers. and now she's the only stranger that i think about. i told myself i could end up with her again and i never stopped to consider that what I was imagining is not reality. i've seen her a couple of times. there's something there, and i can see it. and i think she can see it. but i have my hangups and regrets, and i think maybe she does too. it wouldn't work but it hurts so bad to see her and know and not to say. maybe it's all delusion? i don't understand her and i never really did but she understands me so well. i just want to do something with all this but there's nothing to fucking do. i'm not supposed to feel like this. nobody is. why the fuck would i still be tethered to a high school ex? sydney and i are a clean slice: no messy shit anymore, it all got figured out. put into neat little boxes. but when i think about her it's like i just want to fucking bite my fingers off and scream. i'm not supposed to think about her because i'm not supposed to admit how i feel, and i'm sure as shit not doing it here

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04/19/25

i genuinely cannot stop thinking about fucking people that are not my girlfriend and its really bothering me

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03/21/25

time dilation is setting in for the first time and i am consumed by the thought that it wont slow back down. this is at least partially due to my reintroduction to the attic, a discord server full of drama and bullshit. in a moment of weakness i needed to feed my conflict drive and now we are back on discord. i never wanted to be a discord person, but WFH (WaFfle House) has left me no choice.

lurking within the attic is this one trans bitch that i've seen around legogram before. i'm not super interested in her because i have a girlfriend that i love but its hard to deny that i do think shes weird and hot. she is fucking annoying though insofar as she takes every given opportunity to infodump AND argue about topics she is an expert in. i find that part attractive, everyone else is so fucking annoyed by it that i like it for some bullshit contrarian reason. i can't tell if she's flirting with me, and data ascertained outside of direct conversation would support and weaken that claim. either way i think the main issue is that i don't live with my girlfriend. if i did i wouldn't be flirting with trans girls and spending 8h a day on discord. my shit is so fucked i gotta figure this out FAST!!!!

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01/31/25

my girlfriend has been staying over because she needs to do nursing trial shit at a local hospital. she takes night shifts so she basically sleeps in my bed all day and then leaves and then comes back and sleeps more. she's also sick with fucking mono of all things and she smells like she's literally fucking dying. all of this makes me super uncomfortable to the point where i'm starting to doubt my interest in this relationship. it's not made better that this comes after a month long period where we were both sick and didn't see each other. don't know if working from home has made me want to isolate myself from other people or not. maybe living alone for 6 years is what did that? anyways i want her out of my house like all the time. i just want to be alone so bad when she's here. when she's not here it is a massive sigh of relief. it's not made better that i sleep like shit when i'm in a bed with someone else, the stress prevents me from getting good sleep anyways. i completely fucked up everything. it's so fucking hard for me to feel affection in the first place and this is making it very difficult. i learned the term "avoidant attachment style" which i think is a bullshit term for emotionally iced out lunatics like myself that cant love like a regular person. avoidant is a shitty term though, i just dont want to cohabitate with someone whose presence totally reshapes how i've been living my life for 6 months at this point. fuck i want her out of my house so bad. i literally tried to not think about this decision before i made it. i was like "i'll just let it happen and see if i can deal with it"= complete insanity.

every time anything inconvenient happens i'm like ohh i should have dated jadynne ohh i should have kept fucking alva just total fucking nonsense because i can't cope with the idea that at my core i am a person with a voracious appetite for victimizing myself and making myself unhappy and ANY other future was the right decision to make- the life i chose to live is the wrong one. i'm completely fucking delusional. or do i just want to sleep alone? it has to be one of the two

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10/27/24

these fucking cunts didnt invite me to the halloween party. i didnt not expect this because of course lissy sue would be there but i guess i was deluding myself into thinking there was a chance anyways (stupid) but no girl i was not invited NOR did anybody tell me about the party at all? yeah its sort of ridiculous to expect someone to reach out to ME and tell ME that i'm not invited but i wanted to fucking go!!!!!!!! ive said so many fucking times i wanted to go and they couldnt even disinvite me ??? now i'm like. rethinking all of my fucking relationships with these people because maybe they dont give a fuck about me at all in reality. or maybe they just think i wouldn't care which is also fucking stupid because if they're my friends shouldn't they have figured out i'm a sensitive little bitch that has volatile emotional needs ? excuse me ? let's count down the list and figure out why none of these cunts who are my friends told me i wasn't being invited to the halloween fuckfest because my mentally challenged ex gf can't overcome her own fucking neuroses

elias- this one is like. vaguely incomprehensible to me considering the amount of confiding i've done in this man. i really thought we were tight and considering HE HOSTS the fucking party, HE should have fucking told me ? i've mentioned wanting to go to the party so many fucking times and he always said it might just not happen. girl what the FUCK!!!!

chantz- no way he would have told me due to his sinister bitch hag wife, and it makes even less sense if they hosted it instead of elias. this one checks out even though it hurts really bad because i've tried very hard to repair our relationship

richie- this one is absolutely fucking insane to me considering that this guy is my like. day 1. he should have told me. cmon

león- i think león secretly hates me this makes complete sense

mars- was the one who informed me. this makes the most sense because mars is the homie and she texted me being like ;(( miss u wish u were here!!! i wish i was there too god damn!

mitch- why the didn't mitch tell me? i don't understand he's genuinely the person i've spent the most time with post-firing. one on one ig. what the fuck bro

i was always so fucking scared these people (all coworkers) hate me and that i burned all the bridges and that despite me fucking the wrong whore i could still be on OK terms with everyone but i guess not. the most generous possible interpretation is that they thought i wouldn't care. it hurts so bad to have this massive worry that everyone is forgetting about you and then to be proven right. i'm so fucking upset about this

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06/16/24

the thought of being forgotten about makes me very sad

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05/13/24

unemployment day 3 billion this shit is so ass

finally maybe got a job at a bank's call center. which is honestly the last place i want to work but supposedly they promote from within and the pay is alright so i'll bite

i feel very lonely. i spend a ton of time on my phone in bed and it feels really bad but i don't know how to motivate myself. i feel like all my friends dont give a shit about me anymore. i took a video of myself eating canned mussels (long story) and i was really disgusted by how i look. it's really fucking hard to look at myself after 4 years of working out and hating my body just as much as day 1. i really think i fucked up my life years ago and i'm not a strong enough person to begin the process of unfucking it. and the crazy girl wont text me back. seriously i'm at my fucking limit.

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03/31/24

happy easter. got fired from my job for aforementioned bad decision. i don't know how to mourn a lifestyle

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03/29/24

i told my ex gf that i fucked the bitch that she hates. total fucking idiot move i don't know why i did that! on multiple levels it was a shit idea

1. fucking the they/them she hates was a fucking bad idea. having sex is still difficult and uncomfortable for me, and i wasn't able to have sex with them for very long. i only really did it because they're moving away and i wanted to hatefuck them while i had the chance. it's not like we weren't trying to fuck each other the entire time we know one another anyways. it was more of a mental thing but i wasn't able to deliver physically which was pretty embarrassing. wasn't the worst i guess

2. my ex hates this person because they slapped my ex on the ass at our shared workplace then got themselves fired. this happened probably around a year ago. so not only does my ex hate them, but the rest of my coworkers do too. and now they are likely to feel that anger towards me

3. i told my ex about the sex because i felt bad about it. but my ex still has strong feelings towards me, and feels incredible jealously when they are made aware of aspects of my sex life. so now because i felt guilty, i made my ex feel incredibly bad. that's probably the worst part of this all honestly. i don't know what i thought was going to happen, but she's really fucking upset and it makes me feel even worse lmao!!!! she told me she wasn't going to try and be my friend anymore because i weaponize details like this to hurt her. which feels true. i think there's a reason why i told her that i don't understand. we will come back to this in a moment

4. i told her at work and she stormed off and now my boss is also pissed

ok back to point 3- rationally i knew that telling her would be a massive shitshow that wouldn't make me feel any better and would fuck up everything. why the fuck did i tell her? i think deep down there's a part of me that needs drama or self-destruction or something. i think there's a part of me that hates the happiness of others and wants to see it destroyed. i really can't wrap my head around it any other way. what the fuck is my problem?

i used to have really bad anger issues when i was a kid. it was really difficult for me to control my emotions. this tapered off but never really left until like. honestly. 2 years ago??? i used to have insane mood swings and when i stopped doing drugs they went away. when i feel anger now, i am able to control it better and not use it as an excuse to hurt people. i can recognize when i'm in a bad spot. i didn't feel anger when i told my ex the truth. i didn't feel anything. i just did it and was immediately forced to grapple with the consequences. am i even in control of all parts of my mind??? sometimes it really feels like i'm just running without any thought.

i've been thinking about this a lot recently. it really makes me want to puke.

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03/25/24

after 3 years of inactivity this blog is back ! don't even remember why I made it in the first place to be honest. if i had to guess, probably to get jadynne's attention? but i think it's time to really start putting shit down

alex died last christmas eve and i didn't find out until today. i only found out because a former high school classmate of hers got hired on and told one of my coworkers who also knew her. it's seriously fucked up. when i first met her (2019?) she was a know it all bitch who smoked too much weed. but she sold me acid and we were pretty good pals. i always felt an undercurrent of dislike, especially when she stopped being friends with jay. then i stopped being friends with jay.

alex disappeared at some point during covid. i didn't see nor think about her (social media silence ?) until spring 2023. when i saw her first, i assumed she was tweaking super hard. constant rambling speech totally incoherent etc. she was well-spoken and confident before, and that had all melted away into total blather. it made me upset a little, but i was more than happy to feign shock at her condition. it made sense, though. i assumed it was drugs, but i guess it's just latent schizophrenia that kicked in.

i saw her a couple more times and started paying attention to her frequent snapchat story posting. her life seemed to be a bubbling cauldron of well-intentioned attempts at making a charity, her compiling an autobiography, and total paranoia about the feds. super super fucked up. i laughed pretty hard when she uploaded a series of videos in which she would spray herself in the face with a garden hose each hour in order to make money for some lost cause. she only lasted 2 hours. that video was fucking hilarious. if alex was here, i could ask for it. but she killed herself. she's gone now. i can't reminisce with her about my half-mannequin or laugh at her expense anymore.

zoë has been dead for almost a decade. in oct 2025 it will have been 10 years. i barely remember who i was when she killed herself. i was a worse person i know that much lmao!!! but how much remains ? how much different would zoë be? alex' suicide isn't like zoë. she didn't have a sea of friends to mourn her loss. she didn't die a super cool furry teenager. she died losing her fucking mind, and i don't know those who mourn her. i don't really want to also lmao what a weird fucking thing to bond over

if i succeeded in killing myself i would have destroyed my family. it would have been the most fucked up thing ever. i think killing myself is a bad idea. i'm glad i don't feel that way anymore. i just feel worse in a different way i guess

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do you ever think about this quote by mary lambert because i think about it all the time