tight-peaches

[tight-peaches]

Time to find that one song again guyss

[tight-peaches]

I want to write a book called “your character dies in the woods” that details all the pitfalls and dangers of being out on the road & in the wild for people without outdoors/wilderness experience bc I cannot keep reading narratives brush over life threatening conditions like nothing is happening.

I just read a book by one of my favorite authors whose plots are essentially airtight, but the MC was walking on a country road on a cold winter night and she was knocked down and fell into a drainage ditch covered in ice, broke through and got covered in icy mud and water.

Then she had a “miserable” 3 more miles to walk to the inn.

Babes she would not MAKE it to that inn.

[tight-peaches]

Itni middle class upbringing hai ki maze karne ke baad apne aap guilty feel hota hai

[tight-peaches]

I'm at my paternal grandparents house. And i dont know how to explain this feeling. But when im here i feel like its the worst cause theyre so controlling and they question everything that we do and have to interfere in every single activity that we do. And that makes me want to just leave this place. And i am leaving tomorrow and i told my mum, called her saying that i want to come back. So i am going back tomorrow and it felt so good, i felt so relieved to be going back. But then i just look at them living their life, so old, and they told me how happy they were to have us here, so many things they had planned for us, so many things they wanted us to eat. And now im going and they just told me that what about the food they had planned to eat with us? And its just such a cute concept of visiting grandparents. They wait for when we'll come to visit them. And when they tell us stories of their lives and crack jokes that only make them laugh, its so cute and heartwarming. "Goodnight baby" my grandma says every night, and its cute especially since english is not our native language but its so cute when she says it in english. And to think that we only have a limited time with them, that i'll be going back to college soon and then, one day, they will...

I cant say it. But i love them to death but i cant tolerate them because they are so controlling but i also want to spend as much time with them as i can because theyre so cute when they walk, when they talk, when they smile, when they eat, when they live. I absolutely hate this duality that i have to face every single time i come here.

[tight-peaches]

One thing I'm starting to realise is that maybe I dated him because of my daddy issues. Very unironically so.

I see my dad in him. In the way he talks. The way he behaves.

Even now, after the breakup, I find ways to seek his approval.

Like yesterday, he asked for my notes and told me to teach him the portion. For me, that was kind of like gaining his approval, that he wants my notes. He deems me worthy enough to ask for my notes, to refer to them.

I know its fucked up, but I'm slowly working on it.

So yeah, maybe, I thought by dating him, I would heal my daddy issues a little.

[tight-peaches]

"I'm not gonna take the vows with you. We're not gonna get married, get used to it. I know it, you should know it too."

Finally starting to realise and accept all the ways in which he hurt me and I let him. He said this in front of two of our friends in the middle of a heated argument (that was my fault).

I think this realisation came when he didn't even regard me as his friend, and said so right in front of me and the rest of our friends. Our friend wanted a picture of all of us, saying "One picture of our group" and he said "What group? She's not a part of our group."

What's even more funny? He said he considers me a friend, and then he said all of this. Right in front of all of our friends.

[tight-peaches]

When we were dating, he said that he wouldn't tell people that we're dating until expressly asked. That his world doesn't revolve around our relationship. "Who is that?" "Yeah thats (my name)" "Do you know her?" "Yeah I know her. She's a nice person. " "Are you dating?" "Yeah"

"I won't straight up call you my girlfriend unless someone asked me."

With his new girlfriend, he went up to everyone at the club and told them she's his girlfriend and how much he loves her. Now his entire world revolves around her and he loves it.

[tight-peaches]

At the start of our relationship, he said we're so different. Whatever I am, he isn't. Whatever he is, I'm not. And hence, we're perfect for each other. Hence, we fit perfectly.

When we broke up, he said we're so different. Whatever I am, he isn't. Whatever he is, I'm not. And hence we won't ever work. Hence, we can never work out.

Before he had asked me out, he told me he was scared to fall in love with me.

When we broke up, he said I'm sure someone will love you, but it can't be me.

[tight-peaches]

"I love your eyes. They're so pretty."

"I love hugging you. It calms the voices inside of my head."

"You make me so happy. I don't realise how happy you make me until you leave my side."

"I'm scared to fall in love with you."

"I wanna hold you in my arms."

"Send me your photo. I wanna send it to my mum, telling her that I've found her a daughter in law."

FUCK OFF!!

The only reason I'm stopping myself from dwelling on all these things is because he has probably said all of this, and more, to her.

[tight-peaches]

I'm tired.

Of feeling things and feelings that I thought i was over. But then the trigger comes in front of me, and it all goes back to square one.

I'm so fucking tired of feeling. I wish i could turn the feeling part of my brain off.

Its too exhausting.

I feel like crying, but dont know the reason. Is it the breakup? Is it them getting together? Is it me still loving him? Is it me never getting that love reciprocated by the person i have wanted for so long?

Why does it have to be me every single fucking time?

[tight-peaches]

Getting icked out by something that happened during your relationship is the first step to getting over that relationship.

Finally got icked out of my mind by something that happened in my relationship, too icked out to even tell someone about it and I'm glad.

[tight-peaches]

Doing my makeup cause the world didn't end when my boyfriend, who was my first love, got with my friend, who is my roommate, and who he is in love with, six days after we broke up.

[tight-peaches]

terror doesn't travel down the spine it travels up the spine and collects like bile in the back of the throat

[tight-peaches]

توَحشتك وأحس الأرض بَعدك مَاعليها نَاس،

[tight-peaches]

Stop shaming people for being passionate about the things that they love. Stop mocking people for having unusual interests. Like, honestly, I’m so tired of feeling embarrassed for being "too much". If being too much means having deep interests that fill my life with romanticism and excitement, then let me be!! I’d much rather listen to anyone ranting about their latest obsession with 16th century swords than have a boring ordinary conversation with those who shame passionate people.

[tight-peaches]

[tight-peaches]