tiny-tragedies

[tiny-tragedies]

V got back to me even more, basically said we might be able to... be tentatively friends. Maybe keep in contact. That her ex’s might have been awful, but that I wasn’t, and she. Just the fact she’s willing to come into the open door, and just like. I almost can’t handle it. Fuck, I don’t deserve it, but if she’ll take the offer, well, I’ll certainly not say not.

(On the other hand, she’s dating J, who is C’s ex, and C is a person whose life I ruined so. Um. There’s That. Oops.)

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sent V a long, long apology message, too ramble-y, about how I’m so sorry how much I hurt her, failed to protect her, how I’ve been thinking about her and can’t let go. how there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.  

i don’t know if we’ll ever really know each other again. i doubt it, and am trying not to get my hopes up that she’ll even be interested in trying to maintain contact, especially given distance. but--she said she forgives me, even though there’s nothing to forgive me for. that if i need to hear that, she will say it, because it’s true.

that “you were one of the few people in your year who were actually decent and good to me.”

that “you were good to me when you didn’t have to be, and you genuinely cared for me in a time when a lot of people had given up trying.”

i cried a good half an hour straight today. it’s both not enough and way, way too much at the same time. to know someone went to hell and back with me, and then to know i didn’t make that place hell for them, that it wasn’t my fault (even if so many other things that year were, and it was my fault for making hell for so many people), is just. so relieving.

[tiny-tragedies]

Some of you need to learn the difference between skinny girls being made to feel insecure about their body from certain people and fat girls being made to feel like their entire life is worthless because of their body size from literally the entire world

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me? slowly killing myself? its more likely than you think

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Can you be in love with the idea of someone? That’s what it feels like with V.

[tiny-tragedies]

thinking about the ex today. it’s funny--i don’t normally think about her, or try not to. because it hurts, and i know i should be over it (am over it, mostly, even if the lingering impacts are what caused me to lose all my friends, my support network, so much more)

but today, i am thinking about the ex’s other ex gf. we’ll call her V.

V and the ex dated, and during this time I was in love with the ex, and all three of us were close. when i dated the ex, V and the ex were still dating (all poly, all known, not cheating or anything). I’ve kissed V, before. V’s comforted me. 

it’s been years since we talked probably. V doesn’t care for me, I am sure, and I can only imagine I am bad memories for her, if I am any memories.

i can’t stop thinking about her.

can’t stop thinking about how even though i kiss awfully apparently, V was polite when she said it: “interesting”. i think about those bad nights, where V came by, actually sat with me, didn’t get caught up in the People of things, treated me like *i* could be a person. i think about how she complimented my art, which is nameless and faceless, just colors and useless shit i try to use to get emotions out and fail to do. 

i think about how we almost kissed--for us, not for the ex like before. the ex had left the room, and V and i stood there, maybe a foot apart, tension between us. i am sure i read the room right, that V wanted to kiss me too. it couldn’t just be me feeling it. but neither of us did, because i’m a fucking scared pussy who can’t initiate anything and she, she was respectful, and also probably put off by me. 

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

i think about the time the ex and V had awkward piv while i lay in bed next to them, not secretive, fully aware i was there and awake and kinda of a participant in some strange way, and i wanted to participate but was too scared, too caught up

Jack knew all about how Jesse looked collared for Gabriel; how he sounded, the way he moved, the scenes they did together.  Jesse knew all the same things about Jack, and it hovered unspoken in the air between them, a tension neither of them could cut through. [x]

i think about the time V and i touched the ex together, me on one side of the bed, the ex between us, but it was all three of us sharing that moment. think about the time V and i first kissed, and the ex was focused only on her, oh that’s how she looks doing that.

“Keep going,” he said, voice raw.  Fragile in a way that made Jesse feel both powerful and terrified.

He hadn’t considered what this would be like for Gabriel.  Both the men he loved, learning the taste of one another. The touch, the scent, the sound.  [x]

i think about the time i cried on my floor, afraid to want to date the ex, because i loved her so, so much in a way i shouldn’t, i loved her so deeply and desperately and she didn’t love me quite as much back. but she said we could date. and V was fine with it. V was fine with the ex’s fiancee. and V was fine with me. even though she broke up with the ex later because the ex’s choice in another partner, because V “couldn’t do poly” when clearly it was just that person. because *i* was okay. i was just me.

He slept in there every night he spent on base.  He laid in Gabe’s bed, and talked back and forth with Jack on a holoscreen on a weekly basis, if not more often.  He wasn’t walking into a firing line.

It was just Gabriel and Jack.  [x]

and right now, i can’t stop thinking about how when V and the ex broke up, V and i talked (because i was the only one who Got it, who understood how the ex really was, not a monster, but a flawed person). and V said after winter break, when we got back, maybe we could be friends--talk, spend time together, develop our thing. it wasn’t explicit--we date--or anything like that. but there was an implication, that our growing connection could grow some more. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

V came back from break, immediately started dating a mutual friend A, who i ended up hating and friend breaking up with. dated them and never looked back, until maybe this fall when V realized what a piece of shit that friend is too.

and the friend was good for V, i’m sure, better than i ever could have been. but god, it sometimes feels like something was stolen from me. no anger or bad vibes directed toward V--it’s all toward the universe. but it hurts, so much some days. any days, if i think about it.

i haven’t thought about it in so long. haven’t felt like it mattered. after all, the ex was the one who wrecked me, even without meaning to. who ruined parts of my life, helped me dismantle and destroy them. 

it’s been too many years. too long. too much. 

i would still give V the time of day, would still want to learn her, if it was ever allowed. (it will never be allowed).

i texted V last night, well, text snapchatted. not “you’re beautiful like a hibiscus flower”, send horribly spelled when drunk. not anger, not passing angry messages about A, not about her partner. not guilt, not about all the things i’ve done that ruined her life for a year. 

just, “Read a fanfic recently that viscerally took me back four years. Just wanted to say I hope you’re well, because you ended up on my mind. Hope that’s not too weird.”

she read it, no reply. not yet, probably not ever. it hurts deep in my chest. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

god i just wish i could have been good enough.

[tiny-tragedies]

Do you...actually have any idea what I’m talking about oooooor...

[tiny-tragedies]

started talking about this. some time after spring breakers, some time in summer or after when the new ride is opened. still know i’ll look awful, still sad, still terrified. but also, i know it’ll be an incredible time. and it’ll replace the great time i had with my ex-fiancee there, so. there’s that.

The bff and I have plans to do a dream trip to Wizarding World sometime this year, possibly later in spring. (He’s coming into his inheritance and HP is literally how we met.) I…love it, I want it so bad, and I want us to go in adult wizarding wear (like cloaks vs robes) and I’ve had patterns commissioned and picked out fabric and made lots of steps and yet

I’m terrified I’ll be so fat it won’t matter. I’ll be disgusting and sweaty and ugly and look awful. I know logically I can’t be as skinny as I want by whenever we trip, because even if I ate nothing for six months I’d struggle to be that size but. God I NEED to be smaller. I can’t handle being this fat, being hw, being as fat as I’ve been since people have Really seen me.

It’s supposed to be a dream trip, and I know if I go as big as I am, I’ll be stuck looking at the pics and just sobbing because I ruined the entire thing by being fat.

[tiny-tragedies]

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what do you mean that my coping mechanims are actually harmful for myself and others???

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“How are you gonna survive living in your own when you can’t cook?”

Oh, you thought I was planning on eating

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“If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.”

— Blythe Baird, from If My Body Could Speak

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This is gonna sound fucking stupid but my cat has lost two pounds in a month bc of health issues and I like, Freaked Out that she might die and then I realized like. Oh. This is what our loved ones feel like. Like I was literally trying to bribe her and plead with her bc I Love her so much I want her to live and it was like. Oh.

[tiny-tragedies]

thinkin bout that old friend i had, we called each other siblings/sisters and like. we were close for a while, she was a good bit younger than me, and then this spring i broke up with her because i realized. being around her, always, was exhausting and NEVER fun. i NEVER enjoyed our time together, only dreaded it. i was coming to hate her because of it.

since the break up and distance i’ve realized one of the other big factors was that she was always being manipulative and self-centered, EVERYTHING was about her, and she was always always always playing the victim. 

and like--don’t get me wrong--class-based oppression is not the *only* oppression. but as a rich white cis lesbian, her “omg i’m a lesbian i struggle SO much” (espec paired with her ace hate) just made me eye roll so fucking hard. 

like, i just learned, this girl’s first car was an audi. she once confessed she has emotional struggles over the fact she’s “not that close with her father, because he’s always working so he can make them lots of money”--and as someone who was estranged from my father even and until after his death, because he was an addict and a pedophile, i’m just like. lmfao. At least you can Work on it, and are you REALLY complaining that your dad ~works too much~ when you live off of your parents money? Not in a “oh, we share a household” way but in a “they pay for all my excessive stuff” way. this is a girl who goes to broadway shows weekly. her house has picassos. 

and on top of that just. sometimes it hits me how fucking selfish she was. is, i guess. I will never forget the year she was like “PLEASE come to thanksgiving at my family’s because i don’t want to be alone and bored” and i was like “look, my eating disorder is bad right now, i really am not comfortable doing that” and she just begged and begged regardless until i caved. i ended up purging and getting vomit and piss on her floor (bc i have weak pelvic muscles so if i purge too hard i pee). it was awful and humiliating and i felt awful and completely worthless but it didn’t fucking matter. 

i think about how when i broke up with her this year, it was right before i moved states. and she really wanted to see me, because she’d been through some “trauma”. and i was like “it’s your choice if we meet up” and she got Pissed bc i didn’t WANT to see her. after i’d told her i don’t like her. 

i think about how she tried to sue her school for doing maintenance on her bathroom sometimes, since it deprived her of her accommodation, and maybe that’s Okay, i don’t know, but it just. felt excessive, like everything she does. i think about how she treats the guy who drunkenly entered her room, thought it was a bathroom, and peed on her chair like he’s a rapist. and maybe that’s as bad. maybe her reaction is appropriate. i don’t know, and i’m a bitch, and i’m awful at proper emotions and empathy and shit.

but i know her history just made me roll my eyes like ah yes, another exaggeration, another “me me me” and. fuck if i am not grateful as hell i got out of that relationship.

[tiny-tragedies]

The bff and I have plans to do a dream trip to Wizarding World sometime this year, possibly later in spring. (He’s coming into his inheritance and HP is literally how we met.) I...love it, I want it so bad, and I want us to go in adult wizarding wear (like cloaks vs robes) and I’ve had patterns commissioned and picked out fabric and made lots of steps and yet

I’m terrified I’ll be so fat it won’t matter. I’ll be disgusting and sweaty and ugly and look awful. I know logically I can’t be as skinny as I want by whenever we trip, because even if I ate nothing for six months I’d struggle to be that size but. God I NEED to be smaller. I can’t handle being this fat, being hw, being as fat as I’ve been since people have Really seen me.

It’s supposed to be a dream trip, and I know if I go as big as I am, I’ll be stuck looking at the pics and just sobbing because I ruined the entire thing by being fat.

[tiny-tragedies]

AAAAAAYYYYYYY ya bitch just got prescribed adderall, bc I am having adhd struggs but also...... suppressed appetite side effect 😎

[tiny-tragedies]

Lolita Thinspo