tocinomasarap

[tocinomasarap]

Moving On

A match lit,

Kindled and sparked;

In the dead of the night

I see you

As you burn the pages;

Crumpled to its edges,

Amidst everything,

Its embers,

Ignite and flew

Laid out bare

Worn and torn;

Terrifyingly beautiful,

To hold a pen

Mightier than a sword

With each ink dropped,

A new page

Comes undone;

A story to tell

With nothing to dwell;

On the past,

We look upon,

A smile, a tear, and

Happiness;

I’ll finally witness.

[tocinomasarap]

Don’t Look Back

You left.

Then, something...

Changed.

Do you see the world, like how I see mine?

Your favorite bookstore.

The cafe we’d go to, everyday.

And our favorite, affectionate cat named MeowMeow.

Everything---

And I meant everything,

Reminds of you.

And us.

No, 

What we used to be.

As you take that step, further away from mine.

I hesitantly took mine.

Little by little,

the wind blew differently.

I ran and ran,

Without looking back.

I didn't stop.

I can't stop.

Leaving the mosaic we created,

Through the love we had,

And despite everything,

I still smiled.

We kept moving,

And moving,

Away from each other.

I thought...

We needed each other,

To grow.

To learn.

To love.

And we did.

Now we'll relearn and love again.

In the end,

We found ourselves.

[tocinomasarap]

Hurt

I sit upon the throne of lies, within this damned world of mine.

I wear a crown riddled with thorns, stuck and frozen.

The blood drips down to my face, relishing the taste of iron, just to remind myself that I am nothing—

Without this pain.

I guard this empire of sins I keep, waiting for someone else to take it away. Liberate me.

Beneath the stains of time, I became someone else.

I stood and reached out, grabbing the memories passing by.

Everything I ever knew, is gone. And all that’s left of me is a silhouette of who I used to be.

A mirage of the life I envisioned, now in pieces.

A beautiful ruin.

Up here, is nothing but everything I despise.

I took a step down,

The blood starts to flow out, opening up the wounds it hides. The scarred face baring itself, unearthing its fragile facade.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

The shadows I call grief, suffering, and misery latches unto me. They didn’t want to let go...

The more I go down, the more they drag me back.

And one’s going to take my empire, but myself.

I held the crown within my bloodied hands. The reflection of what’s behind me, now burning in flames.

I left the world plastered with ominous red, but still held the pain within my heart.

They’re a part of us, as there’s happiness, there is also sorrow.

I carry these thorns, as they remind me of the blood I shed, the silent battles,

The hurt.

And the person who rules now, without a throne.

[tocinomasarap]

Comfort

I move from one place to another, hoping that all my problems, would stay behind. I crave for a life, devoid of grief and sadness. I want to see the world, riddled with love but all I see is through these rose-colored glasses I keep. I kept thinking that if I thought about it enough, everything will just follow through.

But all I am is nothing but a single soul in this world brimming with forlorn figures. No matter what I do, will always end up in nothingness.

Why am I so lost?

I keep trekking through these muddled paths. I tried finding who I am. But I never knew...

I’d find someone here, inside this blurred world of mine. She came to me with her four paws, her excessive licking, and her wide doe eyes. She looks at me with longing, joy, and relief I never knew I needed. She’s filled with everything I don’t have, and I love her for everything she is.

In this moment, she gave me purpose. The comfort I cling to, and the strength to go on, along with her wagging tail.

[tocinomasarap]

Photograph 📷

“Honey! the stuff’s still at the attic,” he peeked from the the wall dividing us, “Okay,” I sighed.  

The sound of floorboard creaked as I took a step, dust blown from each weight. I guess it’s been a long time since I visited here. With a thud, the ladder gave way, leading upstairs. I took a deep breath and looked up with hesitation. As I reached the peak, my eyes curiously wander around. The pile of boxes hindered my sight. And behind it stands an old couch, plastered with different colors. 

It’s still where we left it..

The vibrant hue of it changed, as if it’s a swirl of faded gray. A dry chuckle came out, shaking my head. I still remember everything. I sat, not minding the dirt and smell of it. Caressing the rough, ragged fabric of it, as if I’m handling a fragile object. A small box popped at the edge of my vision. What is this? I reached out, stretching my limbs. The velvety silk of its exterior, laced with homemade embroidery. I gasped. Hundreds of pictures lay inside. And each print gave a smell of nostalgic summer. 

“Oh...,” a strained voice came out. 

Picking up the worn-out photograph, revealed the smile of the woman I loved the most. Tears start to well up in my eyes. Mom. I gave the most heartbreaking smile I could muster.

“Colette, it’s raining.” forcing my eyes to open up from the melodious voice of my mother. “Class is suspended so you can go back and sleep, dear.” She press kisses into my forehead, earning a giggle from me. 

The smell of pandesal and eggs permeates my nose. Taking in pleasure from the aroma of coffee, brewed by my mother. The sound of cartoons reached my ears; instantly waking myself up from the excitement. The pitter-patter of rain, and the row of delicious food placed at the table. She always does this, I smiled at the thought. Wearing her favorite apron as she came out of the kitchen. Beaming her smile, and looking at my groggy state. We laughed like there’s no tomorrow. 

I hope we can be like this forever.

Summers passed, and the love between a mother and a child--- forgotten. And lost.

Losing the warmth we basked in, now neglected and buried. We tried. And tried. Becoming distant as years come in, leaving behind the smiles we shared. “I miss you... mom.” your grip tightens, crumpling the edges of the photograph. You knew your mother truly loved you, watching you grow up. Change. And you remember---

She loved braiding your hair. Sometimes you feel your scalp sting because of how the tight the tie is. But you laugh it out. You wouldn’t miss out the small things your mother do for you. You reminisce the packed lunch she earnestly makes before you wake up to school. Hotdogs. Spam. Eggs. You grunt at the thought of those unending food she prepares. But you didn’t care. You loved her cooking. 

You also recall learning from the teacher who taught you kindness; tattling with the friends you thought you’ll be with, eternally. And after a long day of school, you admire the different colors of sunset. It reminded you of the melancholic feeling of how the sun dies just to let the moon breathe.

And she was your moon.

You flipped the picture and saw a small photo of you and your mom attached to it. You noticed a small jumble of letters written at the top right. As you read it, you felt your face falling “To my ball of sunshine. My love and everything.” your legs gave in, silently wheeping. The grief and regret burst within your mangled heart. 

You lament at the thought that your mother regretted it. Letting the chance to reconcile with you, slip out. To show you again, how much she truly loved you.

Both of you ran in circles, searching for a way back into each other’s arms. 

You were scared. 

You didn’t know she was losing her time. You wish you knew.

In the end, the moon will always go. For the love it has for the sun is so great, its glimmer will grow faint just to let the sun shine.

You held the photograph in your hands. Your heart plunging deeper than it already is. You close your eyes, and feel the distant memories of the woman in your heart. Seasons will always change, leaving echoes in your life. And when spring comes, you can look back and remember, what’s it like, to have the love of a mother... and the happiness of a child. 

Happy mother’s day, everyone! Love your moms while you still have the time. 

[tocinomasarap]

Fire 🔥

Warning: 18+ plus, NSFW

You looked at his eyes, clearly begging for more.

You burn within his gaze, constantly locked into you as he savors every part of you.

“Don’t stop...” your back arched with pleasure, “Don’t worry, I won’t.” his deep voice laced with so much hunger. 

He devours you like he’d been deprived of everything as he held you within his strong hands. Feeling. Touching every inch of you. “God, I can’t take it anymore..,” your palms tighten around the sheets, “Good..,” he stops for a second as he looks at you with his lust-blown eyes. “That’s good..”, curling his finger inside you as he continued to feast on you.

Your teeth grit with so much pleasure. Your hands wander to his hair, making a fist out of it. You made his mind lose every time. A growl rumbled from his chest, feeling his hot breath between your legs. The knot in your stomach tensed, and there’s no stopping him. “Fuck, it’s so good..,” your words slur as he picked up his pace, knowing you’re so close. So damn close.

You feel everything around you explode, as you forcibly close your eyes from the pleasure. He licked his lips. Tasting every, single, drop you released.  Jesus. You felt his hands land to your hips, stroking it with care. You met his gaze and you knew. What he wanted. His eyes darkening with desire. And you gave in.

“Oh!” you yelped as he entered you. He’s been holding back from the moment he touched your soft skin. So bad. You meet his lips as he moved, sending you over the edge with every thrust he give. He knows everything about you, every part of you. Places only he knew. His mouth formed into a smirk, mused at what’s on your mind. He knows how dangerous he is to you.

“You’re playing with fire,” you muttered under the breath both of you intimately share. “I don’t care,” he said. He thrusts into you, much faster than before. “I just know that I want you,” he panted, and it made your stomach clench in a thrilling way. He grabs your leg, placing it at the top of his shoulder. Your hands circled around his neck, you didn’t care how tight your hold is. You badly needed to grab onto something. Oh fuck. His thoughts resonate with yours, biting your lip at the sensation. You then pour everything out. “Fuck!” you let out a breath as he continued riding out your orgasm, sloppily making his way into his own climax. “Ugh.. you’re so.. too..” he smiled through his clenched teeth.

“Go on,“ sliding your hand on his back, “Come for me.” 

And he did, it was amazing. His face. The way his body shuddered. His weight pressed you into the mattress. His heart pounding right next to you. 

He knew. He has your body. But not your heart.

“I don’t care how much you burn me,” he places his hand in the back of your head, pushing your face into his wide chest. He knew you weren’t ready. But that didn’t stop him from wanting you. Worshiping you. 

Your eyes widen. You knew the fire eating you inside. You were scared, afraid, and reluctant to let anyone in. Let anyone see who you really are. “I don’t care how much it’ll take,” softening his gaze, “You are everything I yearn for... and nothing will stop me from wanting you.” his gentle kiss sending you a familiar sensation in your stomach. “Even if I burned from loving you.”

You take his lips. Relishing every bit of it as he made his way into your mouth. You feel the burn within you overtaking him. You feel the warmth of his body. His devotion to you. You thought---

Maybe. Maybe I can burn again.

[tocinomasarap]

so i’m reading fangirl again (because college is terrible and makes me sad and i need some happiness in my life), and i am so annoyed. honestly, how DARE rainbow rowell write a character like levi, lovely and wholesome levi, and completely RUIN all potential boyfriends for me. the AUDACITY. no boy could ever be levi. i am crushed.

[tocinomasarap]

Clock ⏱

My fault;

Not his or hers, but mine.

7 am

“God, I love your body so much,” he nipped at my neck as he thrusts with so much vigor.

I wonder if he loves me as much as I love him?

9 am

“Fuck!” I yelped after coming undone.

You never looked at me.

12 pm

Moans filled the room, panting each other’s breaths. “I love you,” I said.

I never hear you say those words back.

3 pm

“Hey, I can’t go with you right now,” he nonchalantly muttered as he skims through his phone.

Did you ever think of me?

My eyes trails after him as he left the room, leaving his musky scent on my bed. I coughed at the burnt smell of the cigarettes he used. Condoms litter around the place, recollecting the heated nights we had. My legs were numb, along with the state of---- if it can still be called a relationship. 

Looking back, did you ever laugh at me? 

When I was wholeheartedly in love with you. 

My knees trembled, crashing down at the cold, hard ground. The pit of my stomach continuously curled, as I grasp for breath. It felt like drowning. And I let myself sink, engulfed in my own thoughts. Does it matter to you if I let myself drift away from you? No. 

You won’t even give me glance.

5 pm

“Ugh.. ”, the liquor was getting to me. I let a stranger kiss me, touch me, and violate my soul.

How did it get to this?

9 pm

Lips and hands danced around each body, full of sweat, and heavily laced with lust. 

Fuck. Don’t stop.

12 am

You curiously entangle with the opposite sex. Embracing this hideous side, it’s despitingly pitiful.

Breaking you as they please.

TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK---- you listen to every tick of the clock plastered on the wall. Turning your head to the side, faced with an unknown man. His snores followed the rhythm of the clock. You blinked, truly stupefied at your actions. You couldn’t help but burst, a silent sob laced with bitterness and contempt. Slowly, a tear rolled down to your numb lips. Wiping it with the hand where you felt his scorching skin, disgusted.

You continue to hide your scarred body, behind the entrapment of tongues, legs, and bodies. Your desire masks the hurt, and sometimes you were thankful for them, letting you forget the wounds riddled in your heart. Seconds, minutes, hours, passed and finally, morning comes, sharing your bed with another stranger besides you. 

With every tick, the hand of the clock moved back to where it began.

And tonight, I’m with another dull love.

[tocinomasarap]

Rainbow 🌈

The cup of coffee in my hand was getting cold as I thought about.... 

how I feel about love.

I always think it’s the sound of birds chirping in the morning, the rays of sunshine bringing you with just the right amount of warmth. Just as you open your eyes and stretch your worn out body, you look towards the beaming sky with adorned eyes. 

Presented with the colors around you, yellow like the flowers he gave you when the first time the two of you fought, blue like the color of his favorite jacket and oh how he always smells so good, red like the taste of his lips as you remember them, and purple like the feeling he always give you whenever you caught a glimpse of his eyes.. giving a certain glimmer every time he sees you.

But..

You didn’t realize 

Love. was actually the blue hour, right after admiring the different colors of the day, when it finally died down. The cold breeze swiping past you as it dawns on you, that it was just a fleeting moment you want to savor. Everything crashes unto you like waves, you try to stand up and stay on your feet. You wanted to stay and stay and stay...

The colors you admire, quickly became muddy turning into the color you fear, black, like how he left you despite the days you whisper to each other ––

“You know I’ll always love you, right?” he said.

“I know”, I felt my tears running down my face.“You deserve all the love in the world, Colette”, he whispered as he rubbed my back. 

“I love you..”

You finally watch as the colors change in front of you, the warmth long gone. The night sets as it drapes the sky with its melancholic color... but strangely, it’s the only comfort that accompanies you throughout this cold, lonely evening. 

🌑

[tocinomasarap]

Hello, tumblr. Today I’ll be using you as my escape from reality per se diary