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Entry #4

Life’s weird. I woke up at 2am feeling stressed. Thinking about my life. Thinking about my future. Wondering what in the world am I going to do. I’ve been doing a lot better. I haven’t let Emily affect me as much. In turn, I haven’t been writing. (Figures, I’m only motivated to write when I’m sad so that’s all anyone sees(so emo)). But tonight is one of those nights where it just hits me and it hit me hard.

When I woke up, my heart was pounding like the pistons in the engine of a car speeding down the freeway. The driver, a husband with a wife who’s about to be a mother in five minutes. needless to say, I thought I was going to have a heart attack(go into cardiac arrest if you want to get technical).

I started thinking about if people actually die peacefully in their sleep or if for a split second they realize there’s something wrong and then it’s over. How sad to think death isn’t easy for those we convince ourselves are the most at peace when they die. And then I started to get over it. And then I got bored. And then I began to think about what I wanted to do.

Not just in the foreseeable future but for the rest of my life.

And then I came to the conclusion that I simply did not know(in a sense all of that got me absolutely nowhere). But I knew I wanted to be happy. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be happy. So what does that entail?

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Entry #3.5

Well, I thought that I’d be fine but I definitely am not. While I was at the store I started thinking about Emily and my emotions just went out of control. Building up like snow on the side of a mountain. All it took was one single thought to shake the emotion free and turn into a monstrous avalanche. My well being is a plane in a downward spiral. As if I was the pilot trying to stay in control. My plane and I definitely know that I'm not, but that doesn't stop me from trying. I've been staring at these eggs for 20 minutes now. Trying to keep the emotions and thoughts from showing on my face. It's going to take every bit of strength to hide it. I've got to, or else I can't make omelettes for breakfast tomorrow. I'd have to eat stupid cereal again. Why didn't I go to a store with self check out. I can't let the cashier see me like this. I can't put them through that. If I were them, I wouldn't know what to do with a crying grown man. Should have picked a store with self checkout. I hate cereal.

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Entry #3

Today is a new day. I am here, I am alive. I am safe, I am well. It’s about believing that all will be well. I have a good feeling that today will be great.

I have some errands to run today. Nothing important. Go grocery shopping, buy a new jacket. Stupid mindless crap. All of my friends are busy so that means I’ll have to go on my own. Ugh, shopping alone is so boring. It’ll be good for me I guess.

Today will be a good day.

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Entry #2

Emily and I met at work. I was there about a year before she was. When she started, I was getting out of a relationship. She was different than most of the girls I dated. She had an opinion, she always had one. What I liked about her was that she never was in your face about them, it was more like stepping on an ant hill. You don’t know it’s there until you step on it. When you do, those ants make you well aware and it’s too late. 

There were other things I liked about her. She was beautiful. Not just physically but like just as a whole person. She was hilarious and interesting. She wanted to travel the world, she wanted to do all of these things. She was by no means perfect, but to me she was. She was everything that I wanted and everything I didn’t know I wanted. Which is such a vague thing to say about someone and I’m sure people say that all the time. But I believe it’s true. Sometimes you can’t really describe a feeling. 

And maybe that’s what happened. How maddening it must be to feel a way that you can’t describe. Feeling sick and annoyed, not being able to tell anyone anything. Buried under all of these emotions, needing help, wanting help, not asking for help. 

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Entry #1

She said she loved me and I believed her. She said that all she needed was me and I believed her. If I was all that she needed, then why did she do it?

If you love someone, why would you kill yourself? Why couldn’t you tell me what was going on? Instead you were selfish and took you away from me, suddenly. You were a part of me and you ripped that out leaving me with this empty hole that’s too damaged to be whole again. 

I don’t hate her for what she did. I still love her. But what is love really? It’s just a word that people throw around carelessly, unaware of its affect when it lands. People use love as a filler. As a word to describe how they’re feeling in that brief moment of happiness or nervousness or when they don’t know how to feel but think that’s how they should feel. People love as easily as they breathe. 

Did she love me? I guess I’ll never truly know.

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Introduction

Name: Tom Lonehart

Lonehart isn’t my real last name, it’s just the one I chose. It’s kinda like “Lone Heart” which is why I chose it and what I like to go by. In a way, we all kind of have a lone heart. That is, if by that you mean we all have one heart(which we do). But some of us seem to live with two hearts. Theirs and their partners. And others just live with our lone heart.

I’m not the the saddest man by no means. I’m happy at times, I’m frustrated at times, I’m human, at all times. (although sometimes I feel like a robot).

I know there are sadder people than I. I try to remind myself that every day(okay not every day but, ya know, most days). I mean if I could help it, I’d wish to be The Saddest Man in the World. That would mean that everyone else would be happier than me and that would in turn make Me happy. But then there would be this never ending increase in happiness and everyone’s brain would explode. Because you can’t be happy all the time and still be human. Sometimes you have to be sad, and that is okay(what’s not okay is my excessive use of the word “and” but that won’t stop me!). 

Every day I try to be better. Some days I just end up worse. That’s okay too. 

Lonehart kinda sounds dumb...