tomstavern

[tomstavern]

The Bounty

   The castle walls were perfect. They could, and have, withstood hundreds of attacks. Armies, dragons, even the gods themselves have tried to breach those magnificent walls and take the treasure within. Each time the invading forces were defeated. Until today, of course. Today there were no dragons, no armies, and at this point, the gods were pretending like they weren’t interested in the treasure. No, today it was a single bounty hunter, looking to make his career and retire young.

   In an impressive display, he scaled those impenetrable, unstoppable walls and slipped into the castle. Sort of like a thief in the night, only in a less cliche’ way. Like a night janitor taking an extra smoke break, maybe. He was inside the castle. That’s the main takeaway from this paragraph, alright? He made it passed the walls.

   There were guards, however. Oh yes. Two of them. Just chit-chatting. Easy peasy, lemon stealsy. The bounty hunter moved imperceptibly and made it to the vault without detection. It was locked, duh. He had his tools, duh doy. Bada-boom! The lock clicked open. Wow. Their security is awful. I’m going to get to the treasure in a minute, but let me give you some advice, my friend. 

   If you have a treasure, especially if it’s treasure like this, you need to have consistent security. You can’t just hide behind walls, I don’t care if the gods were unable to knock them down. You need more. You need alert gods (more than two), traps (at least two), and a secure vault (at least a two-part lock). If you don’t this is what will happen. This exactly. Now, back to the treasure.

   There it was, the greatest treasure in the world, coveted by men and gods alike. A single item, possessing such miraculous properties, its true valid could never be named. The bounty hunter could not believe it, but it really was right in front of him. There it was, his for the taking: The Quicker Picker Upper. 83 soft, quilted sheets, each one twice as absorbent as that of its competitors. Truly, it was a thing of legend.

   Carefully donning his rubber, latex gloves, he gingerly picked up the roll of wonder from its place on the pedestal. He did it, his crowning achievement. He was set for life, a living legend. He could live happily ever after now. 

   And so he did.

   The end.

[tomstavern]

A Warrior

She was a warrior. I mean, that wasn’t her job title or anything, but it’s true all the same. Her strength was constantly challenged, she never backed down and she never broke. Then she met Jack. Not to imply that Jack changed any of that. She was still a warrior and her strength never wavered.

Jack just sucked. Oh, he was alright I guess, kinda funny, he had his moments. He just wasn’t a warrior, he didn’t have her strength, so she had to be strong for them both. Without her, he never would have lasted as long as he did. 

I’m getting a little ahead of myself, maybe a lot ahead. I think I’m also being a bit too hard on Jack. There wasn’t anything wrong with him. He had his own strengths and talents, he wasn’t useless. No one is. He just had a bad habit of getting himself in trouble, biting off more than he could chew. No, they were good friends, and when all was said and done, that didn’t change. 

She was a warrior, strong and quick. She was fierce and loyal, stubborn and compassionate. Ferocious in battle, but caring outside. She’s a legend. Tales of her heroism and expert swordplay extend far beyond her homelands. Even here in the Tavern, she is celebrated and honored. We all know of her and her acts of bravery.

Her name is Liliana, and she was a warrior.

[tomstavern]

Some Unfortunate News

You know how sometimes a great evil sweeps through the land and a great hero, chosen by the gods or fate or something saves the day at the last second? Things hardly ever work out like that. I hate to say it, but that’s the truth. For one, the gods have terrible taste in heroes. Half of them are meatheads and most of the rest are basically robots, minus the processing power.

Sure, sometimes it all works out. Tomjon the Battleaxe did a lot of good things, but he also called himself Jontom more often than not. As a matter of fact, and I swear this is true, fairly early in his career, he was asked who he was by a promising, young Necromancer. Tomjon froze. For like a full minute, before uncertainly holding out his battleaxe. This was before he had the nickname, by the way.

Sorry for getting off-topic a bit. Another reason these things don’t usually work out has a lot to do with Fate’s prophecies. Unfortunately, the work both ways, and any villain worth his or her salt can usually work around them without too much trouble. If I may, I actually have another anecdote about this. Hrgreg the Warlord, literally ate every prophecy he could get his hands on. Every one. I kid you not, he ate a total of 57 prophecies before getting so backed up he exploded. 

The final problem with the whole hero-saving-the-day-at-the-last-second thing is the sheer amount of luck involved. I mean that is the last second. No time to try again or catch your breath. Certainly no time to lace up your boots. (If I had a nickel for every time a hero tripped over a shoelace…) There is absolutely no way to race against that kind of a clock and act calm, cool, and collected. Things are hectic at best. No matter how strong, clever, or whatever you are, things just happen. All over the place.

Look, this is all a very roundabout way to say this, and I’m sorry about that. Honestly. I’ve never been the kind of person who was good at giving bad news. I don’t know, maybe it’s my need to be liked. What do I know, I’m not a psychologist. I guess I should stop rambling and just come out and say it.

If you have friends or family in the Forest of Everlasting Tranquility, maybe you should check in on them. An evil wizard has moved into the area and performed some dark magic and ancient rituals. I don’t have any specific details, but there has been some discussion on renaming the area. Nothing is set in stone yet, but we’re pretty sure the word Shadows will be in there somewhere.

Sorry.

[tomstavern]

Wormwood the Shaman

Did I ever tell you about Wormwood the Shaman? Yeah, Wormwood, an unfortunately villainesque sounding name, but that never seemed to bother people much. He quickly gained fame for his wisdom and sound advice. People flocked from every corner of the world to seek his council. Some abandoned worldly attachments and sought to lead simple lives of quiet contemplation. He always refused to meet with groups larger than four, but one day he agreed to hold a seminar (is that the right word? I was going to say sermon, but that seemed more wrong.) for a hundred people eagerly seeking enlightenment.

He hobbled onto the stage, leaning heavily on a walking stick. “There is one word that will lead you to a richer, fuller life.’ he said, his voice quiet yet somehow carried out over the crowd. “I will spell it out for you as we go.”

Whisps of light began to dance over his head, slowly taking the form of letters. 

P.

“Peace,” he said, “there must be peace. Not just externally, between us, but also within.” The crowd listened completely enthralled by the old man. Some nodded slowly.

E.

“Everyday we must practice inner peace. No matter what is happening around us, we must hold an inner calm if we are to successfully overcome the trials of life.”

A.

“All of us are connected in a cycle of sorts. A circle almost. Life and death and all that is between.”

C.

“Come on, you didn’t really think the answer to life was Peace, did you?”

O.

The crowd begins to murmur.

C.

Wormwood smiles, as the crowd becomes more confused.

K.

Some members of the crowd burst out in anger, thinking the shaman is playing a game with them. Some are more confused than ever. Some nod slowly, as if to say: Ah yes, I knew that.

S.

As the last letter forms, scores of large, hissing peacocks rush onto the stage and charge the audience. Wormwood laughs a maniacal, classic-villain laugh as the peacock rend the crowd to bits and devour the mess. Very few of those in attendance made it out of there alive, but one of the survivors made his way into the Tavern one day. That’s how I learned all the gory details.

That’s all I know. Wormwood is still out there, I assume. I haven’t heard of any adventurers tracking him down. I’d like to believe that the peacocks turned on him after their feast, but I doubt that’s true. They couldn’t possibly still be hungry after eating that many people. No, I think he’s still out there somewhere, somehow terrorizing people with peacocks. 

That’s it! The end, no moral, no clean wrap up. That’s all I got. Sorry if that isn’t satisfying, but I mean, that’s freaking insane, right? I didn’t even know peacocks could hiss! I definitely didn’t think they could tear a person to shreds. Ugh, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

[tomstavern]

Fun Bar Game

Close your eyes. Wait, sorry. Figuratively close your eyes. Ignore the world around you. Focus only on the words. Take a deep breath, feel it enter your lungs, and slowly let it out. Deep breath in, long breath out. Breathe in and out. In and out. Focus on the air, and let go, just for a moment, of all the stress and sadness, the anger and regret. Just breathe in and breathe out,

No matter where you go in life, who you’ll be, or what you’ll do, this one thing will never change. Breathe in. Breathe out. In and out. Breathe in, take all the anxiety, and breathe it out. 

In and out.

In.

Out,

In.

Out.

In.

Haha.

Do you smell that?

What do you think it is?

No! No, don’t open your eyes! 

Haha, you have to guess.

[tomstavern]

A Joke

 Why did the chicken cross the road? I’m glad you asked! That is a very interesting story, and it begins with a chicken. Some people insist that it starts with an egg, but that is absolutely ridiculous! Why would you start with an egg? It baffles me.

 So there’s this chicken. She’s more or less your run of the mill chicken. Pecks the ground, lives in a coop. Her name is Buck-Becky and she is a chicken with a dream. A couple of years ago, when she was a chick, she saw a great, big apple tree right across the road. Apples fell from it all the time and worms would crawl inside. It was the most delicious thing she ever saw. 

 She tried to get there several times, but the loud egg thieves would always lead her back to the others. She almost gave up. Almost lost hope, but just almost. One day it dawned on her, the egg-stealers slept at night. At night she would feast on apple-fed worms. 

 That very night, she snuck out of the coop while her sisters slept. She looked around, the coast was clear. As quietly as she could, clucking only when she really, really wanted to, she got to the end of the yard. She looked across the asphalt, saw the tree and the apples. Her heart was racing! She could taste those worms already! She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and crossed the road. 

 To get to the other side.

[tomstavern]

Take One

Alright! Welcome to the book, so glad you could make it! Tonight's show is entitled The Tested Love of Lorena and Bartholomew, or something less ridiculous. I'm sure we'll figure it out in the second draft. So! Without any further ado, let's get this show on the road!

LIGHTS!!

The sun shines on a quaint little hamlet. See the thatched roofs and the ox-drawn cart? Adorable.

CAMERA!!

We zoom in on the little town, closer and closer. Focus on a simple wooden barn, down through a hole in the ceiling and onto a young, bare-footed man. He gazes up at the lazily moving clouds through the slits in the ceiling. This is Bartholomew, one of the titular characters of this piece and I assure a remarkable performer.

 ACTION!!

"Ay me! How cruel are the gods to torment me thus! For what sin am I facing such fierce vengeance? My truest love, betrothed against her will, and in mere hours she will be wed to that barbarous dog, Earl Rochester!"

CUT!!

I'm sorry, that was… just awful. Alright, alright, don't stop reading yet! Let me think for a sec., we can fix this. 

Okay! I think I got it!

LIGHTS!!

The sun begins to set on the castle of Earl Worcestershire, an invincible fortress of solid stone surrounded by a moat. Completely inaccessible except by taking the heavily guarded drawbridge across.

CAMERA!!

We zoom down to a lone figure crossing the drawbridge and approaching the guards; a young, armor-clad man, with a sword and the kind of walk that means business. This is Bartholomew, you remember him.

ACTION!!

The guards rush out to meet him, but he makes short work of them. He thanks the gods for his lady love and his strong right arm. 

CUT!!

I'm pretty sure I read that book already. Don't close the book! Come on, buddy, have a little faith will ya? We're gonna make this work, alright? Maybe we should change the focus a bit. Let's take it from the top!

LIGHTS!!

The sun shines on a castle of stone and pretension. Surrounded by a moat to overcompensate. This is the castle of Earl Rottweiler.

CAMERA!!

Interior of the castle. Looking wistfully out the window is a pretty, young woman wearing a pretty, pink dress. This is Lorena, a titular character, Bartholomew's ‘truest love,' and a remarkable actress.

ACTION!!

"Ay, me!" Ho-

CUT!!

No! I just… please...

Okay. Let's try this again. Earl Rockefeller's castle, interior. Lorena leans against a wall, wearing a red dress. She calls for help. Okay? Okay.

Lights, Camera, Action…

The door opens and a guard enters. Lorena hits him on the back of the head, knocking him out, and takes his sword. Yeah! Get ‘em! She ties back her long, dark hair, gives the sword a practice swing and heads out into the hall. Look out, more guards! Oh… Looks like they're no match for the great Lorena! The finest sword- 

Oh, that's gross. It seems she isn't really okay with the whole ‘forced betrothal' thing. Look, I know that I'm supposed to tell you what's going on, but trust me, some things just aren't meant to be seen. Here's what you need to know: Swords are dangerous. Lorena is a master with a sword. Lorena is very dangerous, and she is pissed. Violently so. The earl's once richly decorated halls are now a nightmare that I will never be able to forget. 

Lorena runs through the castle, cutting down anyone even close to being in her way. Out the front doors and there's young Barty. Walking slowly across the drawbridge in armor too heavy for him, and holding a sword he can barely keep from dragging on the ground. Most warriors, and even many regular folks, would have laughed in his face, maybe even knocked him over on his back. Watch him turtle a little bit. But love is a funny thing. Covered in gore from her single-handed escape and massacre of the earl's guards, Lorena just smiled, and all the rage in her heart melted away.

Before she can speak, she hears footsteps behind her and the sound of crossbow bolts locking in place. She rushes forward, knocks Bartholomew to the ground, and tries to deflect the incoming bolts with her sword, but one slips past and into her stomach.

There is Earl Rockefeller, flanked by four crossbowmen. He smiles at Lorena, "What's wrong, baby, cold feet?"

CUT!!

What was that? That wasn't cool. Look, Earl, your betrothed just tried to run away on your wedding day, just before the wedding, killing dozens of your guards in the process, completely destroying your house, by the way. Trust me, you'll never get the place clean again, and you come out with a stupid line? Put some emotion into it! Really feel it! Alright, where were we? 

L,C,A.

There is Earl Rhododendron flanked by four crossbowmen. He looks at his bride to be and says, "Ay me! H-"`

CUT!!!

You're messing with me, right? You know what doesn't matter. The title doesn't mention an Earl or a villain of any kind.  So you're cut! You're finished! You'll never work in this book again! Not while I'm writing it  JACK!!

Does anyone have a problem with the way that just went down? No? Good. Let's see here, shouldn't be too difficult to replace that guy. Ah, yes, perfect. Let me just back up a bit.

L, C, A!

Lorena just smiled, and all the rage in her heart melted away. Before she could say anything, she heard the sound of crumbling stone and the unfurling of great wings. She ran forward to put herself in front of her love and turned to face her betrothed. Earl Rockback, a giant fire-breathing dragon. 

That's right, the king was crazy enough to make this literal monster an earl. AND it wants to get married. Which I think is admirable, I mean love has tamed many a fire breathing dragon. I don't agree with forcing said love onto someone who isn't into it, however. That's not okay.

So here we are, the moment we all wanted to see, as soon as I said the word ‘dragon' 71 words ago. The showdown. In this corner we have Lorena, a fierce warrior, master swordswoman, and reunited with his true love; who is NONE of those things, except the reunited with true love part. And 50 or 60 feet above this corner is Earl Rockback, a ferocious, fearsome, fire-breathing dragon who is just gonna destroy all of that. No question.

Fire erupts from Rockback's maw, but Lorena throws Bartholomew and herself off the bridge and into the moat. That bridge is incinerated! Lorena resurfaces and sees the Earl circling his castle as ash and bits of flaming wood rain down on her. Bartholomew is still at the bottom of the moat, drowning. Man, he's useless.

To be fair, he's trying not to drown, but that armor is just too heavy! Fortunately, Lorena sees this and hurries down to save him. She pulls him to the surface and the edge of the moat. He's unconscious and the Earl is on a full-blown rampage! The dragon flies behind the castle and she quickly pushes him onto the ground. To her surprise she is helped by a woman from the village. By the time they both are out on dry land the earl is tearing towards them. He opens his jaw, another blast of flame in his lungs, but he freezes as he hears,

"What are ye doin!? People live here, ye can't just burn everything down! You’re the Earl fer cryin' out loud!" It's the woman who helped the lovers out of the water, her red hair flowing in the breeze. When the Earl's red eyes met hers, his heart grew th-

CUT!!

What are you doing here!? Give me that! You got a lot of nerve, you know that? Very well. It seems our old friend the Earl is friends with my publisher who is demanding he gets put back into the story. So, my dear friend, let me show you how to compromise.

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

Lorena pulls Bartholomew onto dry land and lifts herself out of the water in time to see Earl Rumplestiltskin soaring overhead and, for reasons no one can explain, turns into a human and falls sixty feet onto a cart of hay, which is not even close to soft enough to cushion a fall from that height.

A woman with red hair hurries over to help him. She drags him out of the cart, which isn't a good idea. You shouldn't move someone with a back injury unless it's an emergency. You also should pay close attention to your surroundings when you go from dragon to human, so overall this is the Earl's fault. 

I'm glad he'll never walk again, but love is a funny thing. Despite his body being shattered and weaker than ever, when he looked into that woman's eyes, his heart seemed stronger than ever. At dawn, one week later, there was a double wedding. Which is more than a little tacky, in my opinion, but you know how budgets are. One moment you have all the money you need, then you hire a dragon and you're stuck with a tacky double-wedding.

And they all lived happily ever after. The great hero, Lorena and her doting husband Bartholomew settled down in a cottage by the sea. Earl Rumplestiltskin (who lived decidedly less happily ever after) married the redheaded mystery woman, named Vidalia. She was more than happy to take care of her paralyzed husband and living in a castle. She wished she had a nicer wedding, but them's the brakes.

And so the sun sets on a quaint little hamlet with thatched roofs and ox-drawn carts set in the shadow of a castle that may or may not have been slightly used by a dragon. 

The camera zooms out farther and farther until the hamlet is swallowed up by the surrounding forest.

Roll credits.

The End.

Oh boy. We're all gonna get fired. Oh! Wait, you can save my job. Look, there'll be a sequel! Eh? How does that sound? It's going to be incredibly exciting, filled with action and the forces of good overcoming evil with true love's kiss! It's going to be epic, and the special effects will blow you away! I guarantee it!!

So, if you want to see that, and save our jobs, you just gotta buy several copies of this book and tell your friends about it. Make them buy more copies than you did. 

Yeah, this could work.

[tomstavern]

What A Horse!

Once upon a time, a horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Why the long face?” The horse just stared at him with large, glossy black eyes.

THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR LIGHT-HEARTED RACISM, TOM. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED YOU TO DO. WILL YOU HELP ME?

The voice came from deep within Tom’s mind. From someplace dark and primitive, ancient and forgotten. He did not break eye contact with the horse. He probably couldn’t even if he wanted to. That voice was undeniable, whatever it wanted it would have. No matter the cost, he would help that horse. Not trusting his own voice, Tom simply nodded.

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, TOM, the voice echoed. THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO.

Tom’s heart began to race. This was his moment! He had been waiting his entire life for this. This was his purpose!

WHISKEY, NEAT.

A twenty appeared on the bar and slid towards him. A crushing sensation crashed through his body. He turned to grab a glass, feeling completely destroyed. A whinnying laugh echoed throughout his mind.

KEEP THE CHANGE.