toohardtofunction

[toohardtofunction]

Now that i'm a jennifer beals fan...

a few weeks ago, when my life was in shambles and i was studying to take the same exam for a 3rd time, i decided i needed to watch a new tv show.

i'd heard of 'the l word' but i figured it wouldn't appeal to me - being about white lesbians and all. what reason did i have to watch it?

well - no other unwatched show came to mind, perhaps because there are so few left for me to watch, perhaps because i had been curious about it over the years but didn't think it was for me, perhaps because anything that has to do with lesbiansim does freak me out. idk, i'm progressive and generally accepting of everyone but being a 30 something single woman in 2025 means that everyone assumes i am a secret lesbian and that bothers me so the less i am in tune with what they are in tune with, at least culturally speaking, means i can relax.

so anyway, i finally watched and it was good! like sex and the city for women who love women. granted, after the first season i only watched jennifer beals' scenes - and even then when tina was on screen i tended to skip around (she is unbearable and i am shocked that they are such a fan favorite) - but it was still a good binge watch. lots of good looking people in great clothes having dramatic relationships... what's not to love. also - pam grier AND ossie davis? i had no idea to expect them.

i say all this to say, jennifer beals as 'bette porter' was iconic and shocking. i've watched "flashdance" as much as the next millennium with a mother who liked the chick flicks of the 80s. "what a feeling" was one of the first songs i ever downloaded to my first ipod. i know the actress but now i KNOW her.

Now I know her in the way I know all of the actresses who play characters I admire (or see myself in? or want to be? - this needs further exploration). From Brandy (Moesha) to Zoe Saldana (circa Laila in Drumline) to Jurnee Smollett (Jess Merriweather) to Kerry Washington (Olivia Pope) to Mariska Hargitay (Olivia Benson) to Phylicia Rashad (Clair Huxtable) to all of Jennifer Lopez and Julia Roberts' characters... to Sharon Horgan (Eva Garvey ) and now Bette?(Jennifer Beals) - I've at one point or another REALLY been a fan of all of these people and their work.

Notably, they're all very thin but also self assured? admired for their good looks and also the smartest person in the room? rough around the edges and prone to mistakes and bad attitudes but are deeply wanted by everyone they encounter?

Anyway, Bette is just the latest in a long lineage of fake characters I wish I were and Jennifer Beals can join the long list of actresses whose entire filmography i've watched more than once.

As I begin another diet with the goal of making myself skinnier than i've ever been, I have a new person I'm trying to look like. Because if I have all the qualities of the characters I think are great but am as unloveable as I am, the missing element has to be the looks, right?

So here i go again. Maybe this newest obsession will unlock something real. Maybe i'll become a different person this time.

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did we know she sounded like Cassandra Wilson on this album? if so, why wasn't I informed. this record absolutely slaps and i'm obsessed now.

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today some lady tapped me on the shoulder on a crowded train and attempted to shame me into moving my bag from the empty seat next to me so someone could sit down:

*tap tap*

me: yes?

her: can you move your bag so someone can sit down?

me: no one has asked me to sit.

her: you need someone to ask? this is public transit

me: *incredulous bitch face; presses play on my music*

that really irked me. no, it made me angry. what made that woman think she needed to speak on behalf of another adult? what made her think the condescending way she spoke to me would make me do anything? she's lucky i didn't cuss her out.

anyway, 2 stops later everyone got off the train and the white woman she was caping for got a seat and the world was at equilibrium once more.

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Creep

It took 32 years but finally "creep" by radiohead is what i think of before "creep" by TLC.

i think that says more about my mental state (and self perception) than almost anything else.

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The scene in nancy meyers' "the parent trap" when nick and liz are in the wine cellar after their date and nick tells her "you don't have to be so brave" and liz says "yes i do"

there is a distinct feeling i get when i watch that scene. i know i love a movie/ tv show when i get that feeling.

[toohardtofunction]

The Cure - Friday I’m In Love, 1992

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ok

I'm going to start using this as a blog. pretend like its 2009 and chronicle my life here in this anonymous place.

today, i thought - god, it is a good thing my family was so judgmental of me growing up because i'm a fucking weirdo freak but i keep 99% of it to myself. i mean, if people knew how odd i really was i would have 0 friends and be destitute.

shame works.