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toubaru-tsukimi · 2 years ago

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So, the day when we are supposed to recognize autism and ignore it for the rest of time, just like we do with everything else. Well, finally a thing I know something about.

I found out I was an Aspie (I know it’s an outdated term, and it’s not used anymore, but autistic people don’t let go on things easily, so Aspie it is) 5 years ago. It changed a lot in me. And that’s why we need to be diagnosed or at least self-diagnosed. To face the thing. And to forgive ourselves for all our failures we were never responsible for.

I was a classic aspie kid in my childhood. Mutism, shutdowns, stimming, various hyperfixations in all ages. I was bullied a little, but not much bc luckily I also am quite a charismatic and entertaining person. I may have seemed a weirdo from the outside, but many neurotypical kids who occasionally got closer to me liked my company and stood by me. I’ve always had a couple of friends relying on me for not being bored. Yeah, that I can do.

That was one good thing. The other thing was that I realized early, the world is full of shit and stupid people doing useless things, and I shut them off for good. They and their opinion is irrelevant, just ignore it. Third good thing, I was left alone by grown-ups most of the time to do my thing all I want. I occasionally heard something about my interests being inappropriate, but I never really listened to it bc it didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t see my interests as inappropriate, they were just mine. What are you offering instead? Nothing good as much as I can see.

I think many of my ex-teachers, school friends, boyfriends later and other people who knew me would say my Aspergers explains a lot.

Then I grew up and entered the world of adults. Rules were basically the same, just a bit more masking. Don’t tell them what you like for real, first make sure you can trust them. Do like this, do like that. Mimic cute girls, add your own stuff to it. It worked, and it led to lots of mediocre and unnecessary sexual intercourse, but then again it’s a necessary experience to find some awesome relationships among them.

And also to study human behaviour. I came out as almost neurotypical on the relationship and perception spectrum of the test. You know why? Because I was able to answer the questions neurotypically. Because it was my special fucking interest since I was 15. How people’s minds work. Ironically, I studied it merely to fit in.

Well, finding out how it works helped me nothing with being one of them. Most of what I found out didn’t seem to make sense. For quite a while (couple of tens of years) I was holding a grudge against myself for not succeeding at doing things neurotypical way. If I tried harder, I might have liked people more, wouldn’t I? Everyone can do a small talk, if you can’t, you don’t try hard enough. What do you mean you’re not comfortable around people? It’s not them, it’s you. And I tried. It felt like running while having only one leg.

You wonder why everyone runs faster and smoother than you. You train hard, you try again and again. You get a wooden leg in hope it would help. You start running in a similar manner to other runners, but you’re still slower, and that wooden leg gives you bleeding blisters. You eat at yourself for being stupid and lazy, try again.

Finding out the truth was like finding out that most people have two legs whereas you only have one. It’s not me, it’s them. Oh.

Since then I’m much happier. I just do my thing and let it go. And try not to get involved with people for mere sakes of it.

But it’s only that much. The rest is still what it is. I’m still a freak among normal people and a freak among freaks too.

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toubaru-tsukimi · 2 years ago

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【4.2世界提高自闭症意识日】

周二刚确诊ASD（Autism Spectrum Disorder，自闭症谱系障碍，属于Neurodiversity ND 神经多样性发育的一种）正好赶上过节，花两天画完了给自己的确诊贺图，可以先试着放大找一下细节彩蛋再看p2解析！XD

对于我那些混沌不堪、看似不可解的人生谜题，这个答案来得似乎有些迟，又好像来得正是时候。一切都严丝合缝，现在我终于可以释然地回到过去拥抱那个痛苦的孩子，告诉她你没有错——难以理解社交规则和社交语言不是你的错，难以和他人亲近、难以维持关系不是你的错，思维简单直来直去不是你的错，过分专注于细节不是你的错，心智总比同龄人稚嫩不是你的错，思维狭窄很难走出舒适区不是你的错。你一路磕磕绊绊疲惫不堪，只是因为你的大脑生来和别人不同。错的是缺乏理解与包容多样性的社会，错的是僵化的体制和思想，错的是无知是偏见是污名化是刻板印象。错的不是你，不是你，不是你！你不是傻子不是智障不是脑子有问题，你是独一无二的、聪颖的优秀的、值得被爱的小孩，你只是比他们需要更多时间成长。你的超专注能力和对创作持久的热爱都是值得自豪的啊��

国人普遍对自闭症的认知停留在极其严重的类别（去看看百度百科就知道了，我当年也被误导过。我15年就知道星星的孩子，但那时根本不会觉得自己是），不仅是一般人，一些医务人员也同样。在国内，像我这样的asd会因为一定程度上能言善辩表情丰富被医生一眼认定不是自闭症。但自闭症并不仅限于那些动作极其僵硬、互动时完全答非所问并且伴有智力障碍的儿童。自闭症是谱系，不同程度的自闭都包含在在其中，且女性更容易通过后天的学习模仿掩盖自己的asd特质。国人缺乏对谱系更新更全面的认知，而我想要为改变这一状况做出微小的努力，那就是发出这篇说说。（类似的科普早有太多人做过，而我只是复述他们，这样真的能有任何用吗？）不管怎么样，我想鼓励列表里经历过和我类似痛苦且怀疑自己是asd的朋友们去青衫Aspie公众号找医院做测评，也许找个答案对你来说也很重要。（如果没那么重要就没必要，还是以自己的感受为主！

我想对一些误解我们的NT（neurotypical，神经典型发育，即生来没有自闭症/adhd/读写障碍等神经多样性特征的多数群体）们说，也许我们曾经因为不合时宜的言行冒犯过你们，对此我们感到很抱歉。但我们只是不理解社交规则，并且对感知社交氛围具有困难，大多数情况下并非抱有恶意的破坏性，并不是心机地策划好一切以后假装单纯。我们通过学习能够弥补先天的不足，但很吃力，需要更多时间。我希望你们能够了解我们的存在，我希望有一天大家都可以在理解差异的情况下彼此尊重，我希望世界能够更加包容。

最后祝ASD同胞们节日快乐！下一次过节就是618的自闭症骄傲日了。

p.s. 推荐大家去b站听讲阿斯伯格的《半星之子》，asd们会很有共鸣，我最近一直循环（点头）

大致讲讲我年少时的故事吧，写得乱七八糟的（[em]e401095[/em]但注意，谱系内部每个人差别很大，所以不一定具有参考性）。我从小学起就被朋友贴上“单纯”的标签天天在我面前念，这让我很不舒服。我也因为没礼貌的行为和用语被老师责骂过。我记得我不明白老师说话的意思但又不敢问，也因为没听懂老师的反语差点没做作业。我当时有好多朋友，她们特别喜欢手挽手走路，但我很讨厌这样的肢体接触且不知道怎么拒绝。我当时只和妈妈有肢体接触，其他人都抗拒。小学老师鼓励勇敢举手回答问题，我的想法很多很爱讲述自己对题目的理解所以就经常举手。到了中学我还是一副头脑简单且很固执的样子，又特别爱抢机会回答问题（我以为和以前一样没事呢，我觉得表现自己的想法是很爽的事情），于是就被班上那群爱挑事的男生欺负了。其实现在回想起来事情没有特别严重，也就是当面辱骂、用身体撞我、偷我的日记本写脏话（是班主任要求写的日记，不是那种更私密的，所以我写的时候对内容有一定选择性）、在黑板上写写我的名字或是在“适当”的时候发出一些怪笑，并连带伤害我的两个朋友（但也许我朋友被欺负是独立的事件和我没关系，我不清楚）。我的性格很敏感，这些事情已经足够对我造成很深的伤害了，更何况它们持续了将近三年（也许没有三年，但我不记得了）。我每天上学都很压抑，但我不会反抗，只能一直忍耐直到崩溃，在家里大哭，但母亲听我说了觉得这根本没什么大不了，因为她年轻的时候也被欺负，可那时她忽略了我和她是完全不一样的人。高中以后我变得沉默了很多，不再敢经常表现自己。我每天都感觉孤独，很想交朋友但总是用了错误的方式，我大概脱口而出不少让人难堪的话，做出让人不舒服的行为，送过不恰当的礼物，最后要么不知道哪里冒犯了对方让对方一声不吭直接抛下了我，要么一直只能保持不远不近的同学关系。寝室里的人高一还跟我关系不错，高二就都渐渐疏远了我。当时我非常痛苦，我无法明白自己是哪里做错让她们讨厌了我，这种自责内耗越滚越大，但是无处倾诉。高二我其实交了一个朋友，她也是班上有点边缘的人，被她周围的人认为性格不好，但我��觉得她很可爱，对待我创作的时候也很认真，我们有过一段很快乐的时光，我们给对方介绍彼此的爱好，我们去干什么都一起。我以为我找到了至交，但高三的时候我又和她关系僵化，现在想来大概是因为她成绩不好但听见我抱怨自己考得差（我一直是班上前十五，她大概是三四十多名）她断断续续对我冷暴力，直接影响到我高考的发挥。我根本意识不到自己说的话对别人会有什么影响，我经常只是想到什么就说出来。那种“为什么我就是无法和人正常交往”的压抑困惑痛苦伴随了我多年，而当我因为感觉很难受去找咨询，咨询师都劝我不要太在意人际关系，我感觉很失落只能得到这样的答案。高三的时候网上的圈子接纳了我，甚至相当于救了我。我意识到有人会因为我画的画夸我是老师，群聊里什么话都能说什么话都有人接，我就像发现了天堂。还好高中的时候班上同学其实对我印象普遍不错的……因为我愿意耐心给人讲题，我特别喜欢给人讲题。后来我上了大学，在大学里见到了很有意思的人们，但还是很难和他们成为朋友。我永远都在后悔没有和某某成为朋友，但我确实也不知道该怎么才能成为朋友。后来我确诊了抑郁焦虑，休学，吃药，有了狗（有了狗以后就不排斥肢体接触了！）确诊了双相，复学，出国，直到现在。但现在我终于有合适的舞台能够在课堂上积极发言，我又找回了小学时候的快乐。

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