trashcantobias

[trashcantobias]

This is a long one forgive me people

I have autism the most severe out of everybody I know. I am friends with other autistic people and they have described how neurotypical people can immediately identify them as being autistic however other autistic people see me as someone who is either too low or the spectrum or someone who is on the more severe side of the spectrum my interactions with neurotypical are the most batshit crazy thing you will ever hear I do not come off as a player I don't make sexual jokes but when I get to know people they always seem to get the assumption I am a creep or something of that nature majority of my female "friends"also had the same assumption everyone also carries the assumption I am stupid which I have grown to believe they also follow up with the fact I am a supposed bottom which I dont fucking understand why you would say this to someone you have just met.

Im sorry for the lack of punctuation I am incredibly frustrated

I cannot fucking do basic equations for the life of me. I Cant do basic things in school my only ability is reading above average and I have no else going for me I rarely consume american content / media but constantly told I have a strong american accent which I have only recently found out is linked to aspergers or autism I have no real friends and I believe I am just the buffer friend that people vent to but cant hear or fathom actually exists.

I cannot sit still I cant even control the level of speech I present to people no matter the weather I get chills and then my neck starts moving randomly like im about to have a seizure. My parents control my watching and video access due to my hallucinations no matter what form of content I consume I am then suddenly able to visualise the character as if they are actually real I was an insomniac for 2 years because I would see things that would terrify me if I tried to sleep or dream.

My memory is the most horrendous thing ever and I cant even feel emotions like a normal human is "supposed too" my closest friend had died and I physically couldn't feel sadness I was mildly upset at most before forgetting him despite the years we had spent together

Why wasnt I born normal

I see other people with their families and regular interests but I am such a fucking loser bro.

I cant control my speech and will blurt out stupid references to things nobody cares about I dont see myself making it to adulthood I can barely do anything aside from read at a high level and nothing else. Nothing fills me with such dread by seeing a child prodigy who can do anything they want perfectly while I cant even fucking act like a normal human

I hope everything is going well for you guys