trigeminyvalse

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I... don't know why I'm writing this or who I'm writing to, and honestly I can just write to myself without anyone ever having to see this. But I would be lying if i said I didn't want someone to see this (though the probability of that happening is quite slim I think because I don't even think he knows I have a tumblr lol)

I just want to say that I miss you, a lot. That... I want to be there for you. That I think you got too into your head or maybe it just rocketed so fast that it scared you. I want to tell you that I still love you. That I think about you all the time, hoping you're happy, hoping you're okay. Hoping that you meant it when you said you didn't want to put a finality on us. I want to believe you when you said I was perfect, because I believe that I am perfect, for you. I swear to the powers I believe in that I am sure you are the person I've been waiting for, looking for. And I'm so tired of not being able to say my piece, to speak my mind. To wear my feelings-- because that's just who I am. I feel things strongly, deeply, and transparently.

I want to try again. I want an us. I want to have a real opportunity to see this grow, to nurture it and to give it the chance I think it truly deserves. I wish you could see what I see.

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The intricate detail of folk dress shall always capture my heart. Those tassels, that embroidery- I can’t stop drawing it.

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#wrenambrose

MC: why are people so obsessed with getting a top or a bottom

MC: honestly i would just be glad to have a bunk bed

Asra:

Julian:

Lucio:

Faust:

Lucio: i’m going to tell them.

Asra: dont you fucking dare

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im hot

H ard to love O bnoxious T errible

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Based off of @turbobyakuren’s amazing text post on twitter!

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my body deciding what’s gonna hurt for no reason the minute i lay in bed

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Nights, or is it mornings, like this...

I'm listening now to magic school bus on Netflix, my soulmate snoring peacefully beside me-- and all I can focus on is these palpitations.

Its... almost six in the morning. I haven't slept. I am so tired and all I want is to sleep. But this... shitty anxiety...

My pulse is normal, nothing hurts. I'm just scared even though nothing but palpitations (harder heartbeat) is happening. I keep telling myself everything is fine and I'm fine, because honestly, I am. It's just anxiety. I'm completely and utterly healthy. I've had so many medical tests done and I am no where in danger. No where even close. It's just these late nights and lack of sleep that's got me on edge.

I remember this from before and when my anxiety was so much worse, and I have gotten through it. I'm not going to die because I am not sleeping so great for a week or so. I'll be fine.

I'm hoping it passes soon.

I want to sleep and I'm going to beat this. I will.

Thanks for being here with me, sometimes I just need to see the words I was told to use to calm me down and comfort me. They get swept under the rug of my brain if I just think them, y'know?

If you can, get some sleep, it will do you so much good. And remember, no matter how bad it seems now, these bodies are pretty resilient. We are going to make it and you arent alone.

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Photo taken inside a very old French cello from Napoleon III times. Credits: Adrian Borda

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me after 3 hours sleep 

mother : are you all right? me :  

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Have you ever fostered a kitten or been caring for a cat that was just really stupid? Just absolutely fucking stupid. Like the stupidest cat

let me tell you about Kiki. 

When I was 7 years old and at the optometrist, I was what’s known as a Little Shit.  I didn’t sit still.  I didn’t want to read the letters.  I didn’t want to do anything except go home.  Eventually, my mom bribed me with a kitten.  A PERSIAN kitten, freshly purchased from the extremely shady pet shop directly across the street.  It worked like a charm, I’m sad to say, because I’m extremely vulnerable to kittens.  tbh, considering the way my mom was looking at those kittens, she would have bought one anyway.

My dad says that she always did have a weakness for dumb animals.  “It’s why she married me,” he always says.  Anyway, this is a story about a Very Dumb Cat, not Heterosexual Hilarity Hour.

This kitten weighed about a pound and I suspect 75% of that was fluff.  She was smokey grey, had a perfect little nose (she was what’s called a doll-faced or traditional Persian.  No pug faces here!), and had the IQ of a hammer. 

I mean this with all the love in my heart, but you could just look into those eyes and absolutely KNOW that there was nothing going on in there.   It wasn’t even a case of ‘no lights on upstairs’.  There wasn’t even an upstairs.  There wasn’t even a ground floor.  There was just NOTHING going on in there. 

Kiki didn’t understand some simple concepts—-stairs, for example.  She never figured them out, even after 7 years of living in a house with stairs.  Her preferred method of locomotion was to cry very loudly until someone carried her where she wanted to go.  One could argue that this was, in fact, very clever of her.

Please don’t give her the credit.  It was pretty clear that she was simply confused about how stairs could go up AND down at the same time.

TBH, she never figured out how to get onto furniture either.  She was fully capable of jumping and playing like any other cat, but it seemed as soon as she had to THINK about something, everything else shut down.  Like… one day, I was playing with her and a piece of string.  She was delighted and jumping and playing.  Just normal kitten stuff.  Then she decided she wanted to sit in my lap instead.  I mean, i SAY “decided”, but it could’ve just been a passing air mote depositing the idea in her head.

The point is, she abruptly forgot how to jump onto furniture.  She forgot how to JUMP.  She just kinda sat there and stared at me for a few seconds before starting to cry.   She was actually pretty distressed by it and didn’t stop until I picked her up for a cuddle.  Thankfully, she seemed to forget it pretty quickly.  No room for anything besides the moment, I guess.

She also never grew very much.  Even as an adult, she barely pushed 3 pounds.  She also had a serious dental issue.  Her canines stuck straight out horizontally.  They weren’t very big so they didn’t push past her lips or anything, but it was the most baffling thing her vet had ever seen.

I loved that dumb animal.  She was a very good girl and I miss her.

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when your mental illness starts acting up again

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shoutout to paris hilton for not abandoning her ‘micropig’ 

when it turned out that it was a normal piggy who grew up to be a big fat fatty piggu

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Crying feels amazing

Like I should totally do it more because I feel 1000000 times better.

When did I ever teach myself how not to?

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Allergic to myself

No seriously, I think I’m allergic to myself. Like, within the last few weeks or so I’ve been developing a bad case of hives on my ears and scalp. Aside from being completely exhausted (all I want to do is sleep) I just feel generally miserable. The thing that I’ve had much longer than these hives, is my anxiety, and with more research I’m starting to find that the two may be, unfortunately, linked. 

Breaking out in times of severe stress (which is like all the time) is not new. I often got one or two hives after a stressful day. But, turns out it could all be linked to your adrenal system. Also turns out, mine could be depleted, which is why it’s like, “hey I can’t do this anymore, uh... have some histamines! That always makes things work, right?” And thus this vicious cycle continues.

I’ve tried looking up what people did to make this better or go away. “Emotional Healing. Meditation. Relaxation.” Like I don’t even know how to do that. I don’t think my anxiety is related to my emotions? Like, what I’m trying to say is that I’m already on medication for it and I think it’s like an actual imbalance. So how do you heal that?

I’m just tired. Really fucking tired.I want to get better and I don’t want anxiety and I don’t want to itch all the time. I’m tired of being scared and I’m tired of worrying, and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve been to therapists and I don’t know if that’s going to help, but I’m going to keep trying.

Ugh I’m fucking itchy.