troubles-of-my-own-skin

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I don’t know if anyone still follows me here, because I haven’t posted in over two years. But if anyone was looking for an update, or a story, or whatever, here you go.

It was around 9 years ago (I was 13) that I turned to self-harm for relief from depression that I had faced my whole life, but could never identify. Then, it was a cry for help. I realize that now that I’m far enough removed. I wanted someone to see my hurt and reach out to help me. And I had an art teacher who was concerned by my artworks and called my parents, who then sent me to counseling, but I was too stubborn.

Fast forward 5 years to my freshman year of college (I was 18). I had just gotten out of what I thought then was the most meaningful relationship of my life. In reality, neither of us were emotionally ready for a relationship, nor were we right for each other. But of course I didn’t realize that at the time. It was then that I hit rock bottom. I returned to self-harm (from the intervention to that point, I had done it sporadically, but wasn’t dependent). Then, I cut to feel something other than my emotional pain. I became addicted. I did more damage in the span of 6 months than I had done in 5 years. I got to the point where I contemplated suicide daily. 

I remember specifically the day I decided to stop. May 4th, 2012. I made a list of the things worth living for. Some things were small. The color leaves turn when the sun shines through them. The feeling of hope when winter turns to spring. Some things were big. My dad and the thought of him left alone. My little brother, who thought I could do no wrong. My mother and her own depression. My best friend. My future.

After that day, I never hurt myself again. I was tempted, a few times. After heartbreaks. After failures. When stress built up. But eventually, it became easier to say no. Now, the idea of going through with it seems foreign to me. I look at my scars and try to remember the pain I felt that made me put them there, and I can’t.

Almost 4 years have passed, and I have never been happier (I am 22). I graduated college last spring, met my soulmate, had a blissful summer, and began my career as an art teacher. Depression never truly goes away, but it gets easier to deal with. With the right support, things that would have devastated me 4 years ago now seem manageable. I cut toxic people from my life, and I know when to take a day off and give myself a break. In just a few years, my perception of my future stretched from a few days to decades. I recognize that I can reach out to the people who love me. I can say no to the intrusive thoughts. I can do more than survive - I can thrive.

I am sharing this story for anyone who is now where I was 4 years ago - the girl whose heart was shattered and thought she was completely alone, the girl fighting against herself for her life. For anyone who is now where I was 9 years ago - the girl who felt invisible. I am sharing this story for anyone who thinks there is no escape, that they will never be happy again, that there is no point to living. Fight. Push those thoughts away. Put down the blade. Flush the pills down the toilet. Open up to someone who loves you. Ask for help. Because I guarantee you, 4 years from now you’ll look back and thank yourself for having the will to live. 

tl;dr It gets better. It really, really does.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I'm seriously considering group therapy at my school's counseling center. I went there last year, when I was trying to stop cutting, and it really helped me. But with normal appointments, I can only go about 6 times before they have to refer me somewhere else. I get that they just can't afford to keep seeing people for free. From what I gather, you can go to as many group sessions as you want. I think it could be good to learn how to talk about my problems with other people, and it would be great to make some friends who I could talk to about my depression. I know I could talk to the friends I have now about it, I just don't want to worry them, and they really just don't understand. 

I think it's a seasonal thing, or maybe it's induced by being more stressed than usual, but I've been feeling more depressed. It could be both, even. This time last year I was feeling a lot better because I had Alex and we were almost in a relationship, and so I didn't have time to be depressed. Yeah, I thought a lot about what would happen if he didn't like me, and I worried about how I would tell him about my scars (it's funny, because I never even had to). But I was significantly happier. He really helped me a lot. It's not like I need someone else to be happy, but it's good to know you have someone on your side, and the excitement of the promise of a new relationship helps. 

I had a dream last night that I found out my brother was cutting himself. I didn't remember it when I woke up, but I woke up just so disoriented and terrified. A while later the dream came back to me. I honestly worry about my brother a lot. Depression runs in our family. Our grandmother is depressed (or it may be a side effect of her medication, or just a side effect of having MS), our mom takes anti-depressants, and I am clearly depressed. I have a feeling he is, too. I mean, why wouldn't he be? He doesn't really have any friends because he's home schooled. When he was in regular school kids picked on him for his weight so much that my mom pulled him out. He really just sits on the computer all day and that's it. I worry about his health, because he's extremely obese, but I also worry about his happiness. I don't know what I'd do if he hurt himself. The thought just terrifies me. 

Sometimes I just get the strongest urge to talk to Alex that I have to physically separate myself from my cell phone. I just lost it when I was working yesterday, so I guess that helps. He'd be too busy to talk to me much anyways, and we're not close enough for me to whine about my depression. I sometimes think about just calling him one night, saying that I feel so alone and sad and asking him  to come over. A lot of nights I do feel that way. But I don't know how I could possibly talk to him about that. 

I'm meeting up with Joe soon. Joe  was my boyfriend before Alex, if you didn't know. After him, I was just so messed up, and that led to my relapse and severe depression. I don't know what he wants to say, but I know he feels bad about what happened. But honestly, that stuff happened two years ago. An apology will do very little at this point in time. I don't know what he expects to gain from this.

In short, I feel like I am drowning again.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I am way too stressed out right now.

I'm just so nervous about fuckin everything like I just screened for my major and I'm waiting to hear if I actually got in, and I just paid rent to day after receiving a paycheck that only covered half of it, and I know I'm not doing this all on my own but it sure as hell is feeling like it. I know I don't have to be independent, that I can ask my parents for help with rent and stuff, but I so want to be strong and independent  and do it all on my own but I can't and I feel so goddamn weak for it. 

Today I sat in my bathroom and cried and seriously thought about hurting myself. But honestly it would only stress me out and depress me more. I'd think, "Oh great now on top of everything I have to make sure this big gaping cut doesn't get infected or break open and bleed through my jeans, and fuck it's gonna take forever to heal." And then there's also the fact that I've been clean for a year and a half and breaking that would be such a disappointment. 

I'm also stressed out because I know I'm still in love with Alex. And there's nothing I can do about it, and I don't know how he feels at all and I want so badly for him to love me to, to just kiss me again. But I don't think he feels that way. He dumped me for a reason right? Almost a year ago.

I need a break from life.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I'm feeling bad again.

I guess I really ever get on this blog when I'm feeling bad but regardless, I'm feeling it now. I wasn't trying to, but I saw a picture of Alex on Facebook. He doesn't have a facebook account, so I really wasn't expecting it. It was on the Japanese Club's page, which I've been thinking about joining but haven't been able to make it to the meetings. And now I don't know if knowing that he goes makes me want to join it less or more. And I wonder if he thinks about me, and waits before the club to see if I might show up. And I wonder if he ever searches for me when he's walking around campus, not really expecting to see me, but thinking maybe he could pretend if he looked hard enough. 

I wonder a lot about if he thinks about me. The worst thing is feeling like the person you always think about doesn't think about you. I like to think that he does, a bit. He seemed happy to hear from me when I texted him a few days ago. And I felt better after our conversation. It made me happy. Until I realized why, because that stupid, irrational hope was back and worse than ever and I thought, "Maybe he likes me still, maybe I'll see him and he'll say that he was wrong for leaving me and he'll beg me to take him back and I'll be able to say that he never even had to ask." I don't want to have hope. Because when I hope for things and imagine  them in my head, they never happen. 

And I also keep thinking about the guy I went out with a few weeks ago. Danny. I was so dumb to show him my scars. I didn't know what sort of person he was or how he'd react to self-harm or how he even felt about me. For some reason I just wanted to show him. And he rejected me, and I was reminded, as I still am, of why I don't tell people. Why I hide my thighs and subconsciously scratch them when I'm nervous. People don't understand. It scares them. It disgusts them. However they react, they can never just accept it and treat me the same as they did before. If they were scars from a car accident, I'm sure they could. Somehow, knowing that they're obviously self inflicted, makes me so much different to them. I become a freak. I'm messed up, I'm not normal. And that scares people who don't understand what it's like.

And I wonder a lot about what Alex would have said if I'd ever shown him. It's funny that I trusted him the most but I never told him. I especially wanted to tell him how he helped me find hope when I wanted nothing more than to die. But I wonder about how he would have reacted to seeing my scars. I wonder if they would have scared him. Probably. I wonder if he would have rejected me. I like to think he wouldn't, but back when I was younger and I told my best friend Brittany for the first time, she rejected me. I never thought she'd turn her back on me, but she did. And so I don't know at all what Alex would have done. I know he had depression, and maybe still does (probably still does, it doesn't go away really). I wonder if he ever felt that desperate. I wonder if he ever hurt himself or wanted so badly to end his life. And I desperately hope he never did. But I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

I know that I still love him. I hate it, but it also gives me hope. I keep thinking, "Well, the fact that I didn't talk to him for months and I still feel this strongly must be saying something." But it just means that I'm still not over him. It doesn't mean anything about how he feels. How should I know if he thought everyday about picking up his phone and texting me, if he replays old conversations in his head? How should I know if he'd halfway forgotten about me until his phone lit up with my text? The fact of the matter is that I don't know anything about how he feels. And that bothers me a lot.

I want to see him. But I don't.

I want to talk to him. But I don't.

I want to cry to him and tell him I miss him and that I've always loved him. But I know I won't.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

The Earth is covered With fissures and trenches Fault lines and cracks Caused by her insides shifting And ripping And pushing together And pulling apart And yet she is beautiful. My scars are the same Marking when I caved in upon myself When I began to rip apart. Why am I not beautiful, too?

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I met a new guy. He's really great, but that's not why I'm posting this.

A few days ago, he was over in my apartment, and just talking. I warned him that I had scars on my legs. I explained that I haven't cut in a long time, and that I was better now, but I still don't think he quite understood.

And then, the really awful part.

He said, "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." This was almost literally after I finished explaining everything. 

And I felt...humiliated. Because man, I should have known he wouldn't understand. I didn't expect him to get it completely, but to reject me so obviously like that? That was just cruel. I've only ever really faced rejection for it, and I should have known it would happen again. That was why I was so afraid of telling Alex before, because I was afraid he would reject me. Just like this guy (who's name is Danny). 

We kind  of made up. He apologized for being a bit of a jerk, and I apologized for going to fast, too soon. But I didn't really tell him how much that hurt me. I mean, I sort of did. But he doesn't know how much I cried that night because of it.

I don't know what to do.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

"The need is still there."

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I am a tigress. I have earned my stripes. They stay with me In purple-pink streaks. Soon they will fade to white, But they will always be there. And they will remain reminders Of times when I was weak And of times when I was strong.

I am a tigress.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I saw him twice today. Once, on my lunch break. I hid in a booth, and he didn't see me. The second time, when I was leaving work. He almost saw me. I ducked my head and ran.

I don't know why I'm so terrified of him. Maybe I'm afraid of rejection. Maybe I'm afraid he'll smile at me and I'll melt all over again. Maybe I'm afraid he won't recognize me.

I think if not for my haircut, he would have recognized me from behind. After that, I don't know what would have happened.

I rushed to my car and promptly had a panic attack. I don't really suffer from anxiety like that, but I guess it happens to everyone. It took forever for me to stop shaking. I know I'll probably see him again tomorrow.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

When I told my childhood best friend

She hated me

And stopped speaking to me.

When my parents found out

They said I was mentally ill

And took me to a shrink.

When I told a boy I loved

He said I was begging for attention

And scolded me.

When I told someone in secrecy

They spread rumors

And used it against me.

When an enemy was told

She used it as a weapon

And told me to kill myself.

And when I think of confiding in someone

I am reminded to these things

And I keep my mouth shut.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I feel really confused and I guess I just need a place to vent. 

I keep having these dreams about Alex. They're the usual overly-hopeful stuff, like we'll get back together or something. In most of them, it's that we're still together. I have a sort of recurring dream that replays one of the days we were together - the one where I almost showed him my scars but chickened out. In some of them, I show him. I haven't had a dream where he reacted badly. In the other dreams, there are no scars at all. 

He's working on campus too right now, and I'm so afraid I'll bump into him. I know it's inevitable really, since even if I don't see him this summer, I know I'll see him because we'll be living near each other and riding the same shuttle to campus. I really feel like avoiding him. It's strange, since for the longest time I was just dying to talk to and see him. But now I guess I don't want to deal with the disappointment. The things that I want are impossible, and I know realistically that I just need to get over him.

I've also been talking to Joe lately. For those that don't know, he was my boyfriend before Alex, and really the reason I started this blog and had that awful relapse. I don't blame him for that, but I know it was the emotional trauma of that situation that has caused me so many problems. He just contacted me a few times out of nowhere. It was a bit strange, but we had some completely normal conversations. I didn't realize how much I missed talking to him, because he's really the only person I know who completely understands my issues, since he dealt with them too. Sure, I know other people who've cut themselves, but I've always found it difficult to talk about with them. I never really had that problem with Joe, and we both had a similar struggle with it. And I guess we've felt the same pain. I think the pain she caused him was a lot like what he caused me, if not worse.

To be honest, I don't know how he feels about me. And really, I'm not sure how I feel about him either. I had such a hard time getting over him, but did I ever completely? I didn't have much of a relationship with Alex, so Joe is the last real boyfriend I've had. Sure, I count Alex as a real relationship, but it was really short and we weren't able to spend much time together. We never even slept together. Things were really real with Joe while it lasted.

I know though that I'd probably never get back together with him if he asked me. There's like, a 1% chance I guess, but it would have to talk a lot of convincing on my part. I just don't know if I'd be able to trust him like that. Sure he could say that he was over Mea, but how could I ever believe him? I'm not really sure if he ever can get over her. She has her talons in him tight, and he doesn't realize it. We haven't talked about her lately, but I'm sure nothing has changed. He keeps hoping she'll leave her boyfriend for him, like he she did before. (Long story, basically, she dumped the guy she's with NOW to be with Joe BEFORE, and then left Joe to be with the other dude. I mean make up your mind, jeez.) I know I'd never be able to fully trust him, so why bother trying? 

What I really need is to just find someone new. I need someone who can balance me out, not drag me down. When I was with Joe, it wasn't like we made each other happy, just that we were sad together. I'm not too sure about Alex, since we never really talked about anything that serious. I need someone who can add some spontaneity to my life, who's unwaveringly loyal and won't leave when things get too complicated. I need someone who will accept my past and help me build a future. The thing is, I don't know how to find anyone like that.

Oh well. I guess that's it really, I just wanted to get everything out.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

It's so sad how easy it is for someone to leave your life. At the beginning, you see them wherever you originally met them, like class, or work, or at the grocery store Wednesday nights at 8pm, or in the elevator. It becomes a routine, and you're used to seeing them. But then that thing draws to a close - your semester is ending, you're getting promoted, your new schedule keeps you in class until 9 on Wednesdays and you're forced to move grocery day to Thursday, or you move. You find other ways to see this person, because you're at that level of familiarity but not far enough to be comfortable with asking them out.

You "hang out" every weekend.  You go to the movies. You go to dinner.  You browse record stores together and talk about music for hours. You think, "This feels like a date." And maybe they do too. But neither says anything. You hug when parting, you get in your cars, and you think to yourself that you wish you had kissed them. Maybe they sit in their own cars, thinking the same thing.

Somehow, one way or another, you get there. One of you can't take it anymore and you just confess your feelings. The other feels the same, and both of you are just overjoyed that it's finally happened.

The next weeks pass in a happy blur. You think, "This is it, I'm finally happy. Maybe they're the one." And it's great, for that brief moment. And then that moment ends, as everything does eventually. It doesn't matter how. Maybe they cheated. Maybe you cheated. Maybe you had one too many fights. Maybe for whatever reason, they just decide to end it out of nowhere, with no warning, and you're left wondering what the hell just happened. But you say you understand. You say, "Yes, we can be friends." You hug and you part. You smile at them reassuringly, so they think that you're fine. You're just fine. You turn and walk away before they can see you cry.

Whatever happens, however it ends, it ends. You're just dumbfounded, because they were such a huge part of your life, for however long it lasted, and now they're gone. You try to keep in touch with them, without being too clingy. You see each other a few times, reconcile, and you think, "Hey, maybe this could work." And for a while, it seems like it could.

Eventually, you talk less and less. Your conversations consist only of, "Hey," "How are you," and "Nice weather we're having." You wait for them to strike up a conversation with you, or they wait for you to strike up a conversation with them, but it doesn't happen. One of you, maybe both of you, is just too busy to think about the other person. Your life moves forward, as it should. Eventually, neither of you thinks about the other. Eventually, you're not sad or angry anymore. Eventually, it doesn't matter. 

It's just sad, I think. How someone can be so important to you, how you can be so important to someone else, and then just a few months later you're not even speaking. It's sad, but it happens to everyone. 

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I saw you again today.

You didn't see me

But then again

Have you ever?

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I want to move on

I want to be happy

I want to try to find someone new

But there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach

That maybe I'm not really good enough

And that's why no one ever stays.

Maybe I'm meant to die alone.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

You and I 

Are a story

That the author

Abandoned

After the first chapter.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]

I know where I'm going

I know what I'm doing

With my life

But I don't know

Who I am

I think

I am backwards.

[troubles-of-my-own-skin]