tryingthoughts

[tryingthoughts]

I am a sad one and I am an unsettled one. i feel the jittering in my chest like veins 'n shit are trying to tie down to something. I hate moving and starting a new job. i hate that my family is dying and everyone is living in separate places. like wtf.

i bet i should whip out a craft again. but something is too desperate in my finger tips. i need to therapy, and go to the beach, but also grocery shop and rehearse for a stupid performance that is taking more from me than i am enjoying. i am tired and bored but too overwhelmed with everything.

i think a puzzle would be good. ill bring my puzzle over in the move.

[tryingthoughts]

I am pleased so far with my crafting. I think it is an excellent part of my life generally. i heard a quote on the various social media that went along the lines of "my hobby is keeping the negative voices at bay", which i resonate with. i dont think that wholly describes my hobbies, but i do like that all my hobbies can be an outlet and bring me some sort of peace. they all fit together via their connection with me. which is kind of nice. i think i'd alter the thought to be "my hobby is seeking relief" which feels a lot more nebulous and fuzzy, but slightly more true. its a step up from "my hobby is feeling decay", now i can outsource some discomfort by trying new things. whatever gives me a jolt of joy, engagement, benign passing relief.

i love my crafting, being able to cobble things together, make "bad" art, make satisfying creations, scrapbooks, even imaginings. very glad to be able to do them.

[tryingthoughts]

In highschool I was quite ignorant to the importance of sharing my life. I knew logically that sharing is good, builds friendships, but that never felt real and true for sharing my life. It felt very basic, very bare bones, like i could xast a cursory look over my whole life timeline and understand it all. So I didn't think it useful or important to share my struggles and parts of my life, I heard friends and classmates share and felt glad to have been trusted, but never clicked that trusting them with my life was also important. In many ways i didnt think i ought to consider myself one with struggles. Genuinely thought i never felt anger, didnt ever hate. Nothing much that interesting in my life. So now here I am wondering if thats why I have very few friends.

I feel like I have to try very hard to figure out how new people from new backgrounds expect to interact - do they expect me to volley back their thoughts as a sort of validation or do I share something in return. What do I share. Often I try to share something funny or interesting so I hopefully don't bore people, but I realize as I tell the story that it's not actually that funny. It's not even that interesting. This leaves me feeling disappointed. But here's the strangeness: people tell me I'm a good storyteller, which is very nice, but I couldn't tell you what stories I've told them well enough to deserve the title... I put effort into storytelling, trying to be entertaining (maybe I should deprioritize being entertaining to others so much), but I mostly feel lackluster and dull. I've not lived much, I look at my life and think "this is nothing much worth talking about, why am I talking about this??"

After I get new glasses I'll see where I stand and get some therapy.

[tryingthoughts]

Latest news is they GAVE ME MY JOB BACK!!

which is technically untrue, they gave me a new job that is PERMANENT rather than another seasonal. whichever one it is, it is excellent news for me. I am so glad I have a permanent job, even if it is only part time. Something relatively stable is excellent.

I'm considering submitting an audition for a show I've wanted to be in for a while, but who knows if I'll actually end up doing it... it's difficult to believe that it's better to try and fail than not try at all, but what can I say - I try. so i started the process, which is something.

I'm going to be visiting some family in a little while, so I've been preparing for that. life has been a little tumultuous, a little stressy. more than a little miserable. but i persist in my wee crafts, which is a great comfort to me.

i do my little crafts, i have my little treats, and i do my little job pretty dang good if i do say so myself.

[tryingthoughts]

Ahoy there. The latest news is that my contract ended a little while ago for my seasonal job, which was very sad because now I have to find another job and start all over again. I think I was pretty good at that job, my coworkers seemed to like me well enough, it was interesting, it was kind of wish-fulfilling in some ways because it turned out I had been right about it being a cool job. At least cooler than other alternatives...

I have been attending my choir rehearsals, getting ready for a show. I like having a little project I think. I'm not excited by it, but I know it does me some degree of good to get out and do something - if I do nothing else that week, choir is usually something I can do.

I dread things so much. I feel disgusting and rotten, I can't fathom how I am to continue doing life-things for so many more day-after-day-after-days.

But hey, I'm here aren't I. Sometimes I'm not sure, it's all vapourous gloom. But behold: writing. I do that, that counts for something methinks. I just keep going, pushing all the mounting disgust, bitterness, anger, fear as far aside as possible to I can keep going. It just keeps coming back.

[tryingthoughts]

my hands yearn for crafts, but alas they are stiff and cracked... sadness overwhelms me often.

[tryingthoughts]

ive been sick recently and thus havent been working. which makes my next shift way more stressful.

logically, the worst case scenarios has its own get-out clauses, the day to day isnt a high stakes position; i dont know why i am so nervous all the time. every new thing i have to do feels nauseating, i feel like screaming.

so i look for other jobs now. i hope i find something i dont feel so nervous about. im wishing this job to get better with time.

[tryingthoughts]

One of the prevalent sad feelings in my life right now is pertaining to loneliness. I sometimes get so jittery and upset about loneliness, feeling desperate for talking to people.

I get a tight feeling in my stomach, I'm nervous no one is there at all. In these moments I actually do the recommended thing: reach out, talk to someone. I call a friend, text a sibling, cousin etc... it's a desperate feeling, crying out "somebody please be there! Is anyone out there?!"

And the sad thing is when no one is. When it's the middle of most people's work days, school days, the middle of the night. No one is there. And like, totally get that, 100% reasonable. It sucks to be alone.

I have to sort it out on my own. Do the self-regulation and taking-care-of-myself things that I keep saying I should. And that's uncomfortable.

I guess that's what a lot of things come down to: I am intensely uncomfortable.

So. We trimmed our hair (turned out very nice thank you for asking), we had a shower, made a beverage, and put on a concert to sing along to, ill probably be dancing along when I'm making supper too. But for now I'm uncomfortable and sad. We'll do some crafting later on. Good job today yall, we're making it through another one

[tryingthoughts]

So the news is my dog died recently. very suddenly. It's been really rough to deal with. My life with him, especially the last two years being home, taking him on walks, sitting with him on drives, giving him his baths, brushing and cuddling with him... I moved a little less than three months ago now and i just thought I'd have visits home with him. I haven't seen him since a family gathering something like 10 weeks ago now. i thought id be able to see him again at the holidays, trips back to move more things. but no, he is not there anymore. the next time i see him will be spreading his ashes.

it was sudden, he apparently wouldn't have felt pain according to the vet. i regret having moved at all in the worst moments, emphasized by this loss - i think about how perfect the weather would have been for walks, how we'd spend more days together, eat dinner at the same time, and watch tv with our parents at the end of it all. he'd curl up on my carpet and i'd whisper comforting words into the room when there's a storm or i hear him having a nightmare. it's strange to think about the things i was worried wouldn't get done on time - finishing his topical meds to prevent ticks, giving him baths and making sure his paws stayed hydrated in dry weather. i was worried it would be such a big change that things wouldn't get done, id always ask about him on the phone to my folks. he got to visit my/his grandparents recently, got a little extra loving from family.

but now all these things, the routines i was trying to have stick for when i left, all gone. my father texted me and told me they missed him, that everywhere he used to be he no longer was. and that really is something i'll come face to face with the next time i enter that house- the absence of my brother, my friend, such a precious one to me, such a presence in that house.

[tryingthoughts]

Well folks, I have accepted a job offer. I am pleased i finally have something lined up - relieved that the job search stops for the length of this contract.

I am worried i will suck at it. i am worried ill be fired, or ill find it too hard. i hope the people are nice.

sleep has been a major challenge for the last... 3 or 4 weeks maybe. I can't fall asleep, feel restless. I sleep between 3am and 6am, sleep for however long i can (latest has been until 3:30pm). It just sucks really bad. I took a melatonin last night to try and get myself ready to wake up early tomorrow for an organized run ive signed up for.

the plus side is that ive finished reading two books since i have had sleep problems - all the folks say to turn your eyes away from screens and towards the analog forms of entertainment before bed, so i picked up one of my sister's books to read, it was really good and i enjoyed it. so, armed with some more confidence, i picked up a book i was gifted last year from a cousin, i had started it and was over halfway through, but never finished it. i finished it last week, which feels good.

ive been doing a little crafting here and there; this week has been full of socializing and meeting new people - my roommates' friends came to town for a bit, we met some more neighbors. im grateful for my crafts, they are satisfying and delightful. the socializing is a lot at times... it doesnt feel any better with lack of sleep thats for sure.

the weather is changing which is kind of cool, reminds me that ive spent some significant time in this new place; new colours. i find it hard to go outside most days, but when i do go outside i see many pretty things.

[tryingthoughts]

ive been watching musicals lately. Its been nice to have access to a living room that feels slightly more like my own i guess... it's still shared between me and my roommates, but i get to use it and it feels less pressureful than using the living room in my family home. so ive been watching musicals with the volume on.

the days feel hard, the nights feel hard. i struggle quite a bit to go outside when im alone. i feel so tired still, haven't been sleeping well, worse than before i moved, but ive finally ordered a proper bed so im hoping its partially due to the cot ive been sleeping on this month. the cot isn't uncomfortable per se, but since ive not been sleeping well im just kind of hoping ill notice a difference when the actual bed comes.

im glad i get to have a bed, a bed that is mine in my room, its very relieving to think about.

every day i feel kind of jittery, i wonder if going outside would help, maybe it would at least help me sleep, but that prospect seems a little daunting with committing to go outside.

ive had no job luck and its been getting to me because ive been here for a month, everyone said that it would be easier to get a job when i moved, but it hasnt been any more successful so i worry that i am unqualified for literally anything (despite knowing i have worked before). it's not been long, but it's been long enough to get me worried :/

so i craft, i read my sister's book. I went to see a friend, i invited my cousin round for a sleepover. but through it all i am restless. i feel like curling up and crying but the tears haven't come yet. I curl up and fall asleep on the couch just like how i did for the first year and a half of being home from university: wake up, do little things, curl up on couch and sleep more.

[tryingthoughts]

I am a tired one. I feel angry a lot. so much "how much longer do i have to 'tough it out' or 'push through' in order for things to feel fine?" going on.

no job leads, so many things to organize with accounts and settling in. even just trying to eat meals that taste nice and satisfy feels like a full time job. deciding what to get from the groceries, what meals to make, what snacks are nice and tasty. trying to go outside regularly like all the people say i should. trying to feel excited about doing community-building activities and club events.

I'm trying to build up the energy to audition for a choir, but there are so many tasks that kind of dampen the "this is a great idea!" buzz.

the pros lately have been: ive been crafting which is nice; i have gone outside and enjoyed being outside more than usual; ive been seeing pretty little birds; ive been seeing more friends and acquaintances and have been hearing from long-distance relationships more; it is good having personal space in a new space.

ha ha who'd have thought that all my problems didn't go away by the mere act of relocating ha ha

[tryingthoughts]

its me again, I did some crafting yesterday. I also did some necessary errand-running. Every day is a long day, it all feels immeasurable just waiting for it to end but feeling the intense doom when it does inevitably end.

Crafting was nice, nice to use my hands. this morning i got coffee with my sibling before they went to work, which was nice. it was nice to be outside in the cool air. it feels like fall which is... weird for this time of year, but not wholly unwelcome, im glad i got to wear my ponytail hat i made in the winter.

[tryingthoughts]

I'm finally moving again! Which is really scary. I'm taking it slower than when I moved out to uni, trying not to overwhelm myself with having to move everything all at once

My sister and I definitely want our stuff out of the house, but until we get a storage unit and a little more stable in our new living conditions, it'll have to wait.

This is my second round of moving my things, I moved a chunk first to be able to live in the new place and now I'm moving more of my homey items - my beloved crafts, plants, some books etc...

Everything still feels like it's just happening to me. It's whooshing over me, no way to control anything. I just keep walking through the waves I guess, applying for jobs, organizing the place, doing a lot of cleaning and moving.

I've been helping the parents with household maintenence, big projects that can only be done in good weather and long days; now with this new place I'm doing more household maintenance: (household maintenance)²

I'm exhausted, still feels like I'm not going to make it to the next day, the next week. Everything is just going to stop one day and I'll be at rest. Feels like an uncomfortable, anxious nightmare that just keeps dragging on and on and on.

[tryingthoughts]

the restlessness has not left my body. i knit, i sew, i craft. ive weeded, ive taken the dog for a walk, ive taken myself for a walk. ive done dishes and laundry. (not all at once or all on the same day, mind)

none of these quells the shifting and discomfort. i am so tired. lately the rocking chair in the front porch has been uncovered, that is such a beautiful concept. what a great invention to rock as i like. i rocked in it today and felt kind of ok again. i think ill rock in it some more tomorrow.

i love a rocking chair. this one is technically a glider. i can hear the friction of certain parts, which is definitely not excellent, but generally it is so nice.

[tryingthoughts]

I honestly hate the idea of doing something. i hate having to make changes to improve my quality of life or whatever. right now job applications are daunting, interviewing is boring, but also so nerve-wracking. i did an interview for a receptionist position today, it was weird. i feel like ive done the things i claimed as skills and experience, i remember doing them, but every time i have to think about jobs i think about how i'll inevitably fail and be overwhelmed. which is a lot to imagine at every turn in the process.

ive been thinking about signing up for a university credit course about labour studies because i think it would be really interesting and possibly give me some more drive. i oscillate between the impulse of "gotta get up and go" and "nobody move! i can never do anything again!". i find that shifting quite distressing because of how powerful both can be. it feels like im being pulled into one and then the other by some leathery cord in my chest. when people describe their stomachs lurching at a disgusting or upsetting event/thought, that's what it feels like, except for my heart. its like i have to wait until the fluctuation settles, but it never seems to do so.

so that's where we are. we're doing things, still applying for jobs, ive been leaning into crafting a lot more - doing little whimsical projects. i think the crafting is where i can really allow the impulsive urge to burst out. i can just start a hat, i can just start a random stuffed toy. which is very nice to have at my disposal.

[tryingthoughts]

something bringing me joy lately is that ive recently re-potted four shamrock plants ive had for years. ive put them all in the same large pot and they're popping up like a forest! and gosh that is wonderful. ive got shoots breaking the surface, little guys opening their leaves for the first time, and larger ones filling out the top with beautiful bright green leaves. its a delight every day.