tryingtofindtheocean

[tryingtofindtheocean]

All that, and I stare at pictures of you knowing I think you’re the most beautiful man on the planet. Knowing I will never love another man like I love you, but knowing that I don’t think the love we have for each other is enough. Sitting here wondering if you miss me like I miss you, despite all my anger and my pain, I still miss you. I love and miss you, and always will, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that in 10 years of ups and downs I have tried to move on but didn’t. That in these past three months of no contact, I’ve looked and found there is nothing out there, yet just like last time you’ve probably gone out and fucked a handful of girls. It’s hard to move on when you’re solo raising a child, with no reprieve.

I’m at the end of my rope. I cried at her softball game, cried because I came straight from work, covered in dirt - exhausted, straight from getting the dog, straight to daycare, had her change in her uniform in the daycare bathroom, straight to the game a minute late - no time to bring the dog home, no time to get you a snack or dinner, the game had already started, she sat in the dugout by herself waiting for the inning to switch, she was off, couldn’t focus, coaches kept calling her name to be ready, to stand up, she came to me saying she’s hungry, I got her lunchbox hoping for leftover snacks - empty, I told her we didn’t have anything she’d have to wait, she swung and swung missing pitches - it’s not like her, again cries of “I’m hungry”, I asked if she wanted to leave - yes, she packed her bag, tears welled in my eyes, her coach asked “you have to leave?”, I cried, I tried to hide them, “she’s starving, we have to go”. A better parent would be there to get her early, take her home, feed her snacks or dinner, get dressed and ready for the game… I’m doing the best I can. Solo. No grandparents, no friends, no partner, just me myself and I. I cried and cried, she asked why I was crying. I told her and apologized to her that I couldn’t do more, that I wished I could do more for her.

I will never get over my love for you. I know how much you love our daughter, I do believe you’re a good dad, but I can’t get past the pain you’ve put me (us) through. I want and need love, I want and need a life partner, someone to share the load. I feel like it will never come, and I will not let just let anyone into my (our) life. Trying to find someone while single parenting seems impossible. I don’t have time to breath, let alone date someone. How do you vet someone over a long period of time without your child when you have no childcare or money to pay a sitter? No way any person is meeting my child until I have spent a long ass time getting to know them.

Aww well fuck, solo-dolo til I die I guess, still pining after pictures of you. Fuck me.

[tryingtofindtheocean]

I see my frown in the reflection of my phone. I hear your voice “you’re a miserable cunt”. I try to upturn it into a forced smile. It doesn’t look right.

Today was a doozy. This week was a doozy. Hell the past three months, 10 years, 20 years have been pretty fucked. Yes, there have been moments of joy, pride, laughter, fun, beauty, passion, excitement - but the stress, heartbreak, anxiety, frustration - sure has made me into a miserable cunt, as you might say. It’s not a constant. But how is one to find joy when stuck in a cycle of stress and survival.

It’s been just over 3 months, 90 days, since we last saw each other, since you last saw or spoke to our daughter. It was a real shitty send-off. You on top of me, pinned down, screaming, stomping, slamming, hands on my chest, thrown to the ground on the floor of our daughter’s room, off her bed. I didn’t react, I froze, I watched you, waiting to see what’d you’d do next. I knew if I fought back you’d really hurt me. It was like tunnel vision. I didn’t hear a word you said as you screamed at the top of your lungs.

When it ended, when you got off of me and retreated to our bedroom, I ran downstairs to check on our daughter. She wasn’t where I had left her just a few moments before - sitting at the table eating dinner. I called out her name, she didn’t answer, I looked in the playroom, glanced in the bathroom, I called her name again, looked in the playroom again, out the front door, came back and found her hiding in the bathroom, on the floor between the toilet and the tub. I scooped her up and began packing. I went back upstairs past the room you were in, to the room you assaulted me in, our daughter’s bedroom. I grabbed bun bun and owl. I didn’t know how long we’d be gone or where we’d go, but I know she’d need them. Back downstairs trying to grab things quietly, pack, console, answer questions, I heard you upstairs. I hid our bag. You came downstairs with a laundry basket full of clothes and walked out the front door without a word to either of us. I kept packing. We left 10 minutes later. You texted a few hours later saying you were coming back. I told you we left and wouldn’t be back for a couple days, that we couldn’t be in the same space. You crossed a line. You asked if I called the cops on you. I hadn’t at that point. I spent the night sleepless, looking out windows, calling DV hotlines, consoling a scared 7 year old. I couldn’t get the image of her hiding out of my head, of your hands throwing me across the hall and onto her bed, of you on top of me, shaking me, hands on my chest, throwing me to the ground. I said out loud “he assaulted me, that was assault”.

It wasn’t the first time you put hands on me, but it was the worst. It was terrifying. I called the police to see what my options were for documenting the abuse, having a record in case it happened again. Jokes on me, right then and there I lost all control. The lady cop on the other line backed me into a corner, threatened me “there’s a child involved, if you don’t make a report I will”, asked me your name, I refused, starting searching “I’ll find him either way”. I told her I needed time to process and still had questions. She gave me 30 minutes to call who I needed to and then said she’d call the sheriffs office in 30 minutes and if I hadn’t made the call she’d report me too. So helpful.

I made the call, I met with the officer, had pictures taken of the fingerprint bruises on my arms, told him what happened. I told him I didn’t want to ruin your life, that it was scary, I just wanted it documented, that I couldn’t get the picture of our daughter hiding out of my head. He said that the state takes DV very seriously, that he’d be going to the house to interview and most likely be arresting you. It was out of my hands. A DHHS referral would be made. You were arrested, in and out within an hour, $60 bail.

I was left to pick up the pieces. Process the assault, the abuse, process the trauma witnessed by our daughter. Answer the hard questions. Meet with DV advocates, deal with CPS, have forensic interviews done on our daughter in her playroom. How fucked. Tell her teacher/guidance counsellor what went on. Try to get her into counselling. To wipe her tears, to wipe my own. To process the trauma and the grief all in one, for both of us. Go to work, then have to take off work the rest of the week to deal with CPS, and then care for our sick daughter. It was a whirlwind, and a nightmare. Here we are 90 days later, again picking up ALL the pieces alone.

We were at the ER last night, got home at 4am. She’s sick for what feels like the millionth time the past few months. Like clockwork, every two weeks a new illness. Catching puke on Mother’s Day, coughing and fevered for April Vacation, illness after illness, all on top of working full time, juggling sports, Girl Scouts, the dog, the house, the house work, the finances. Texts from teachers about our daughter’s behavior at school. All on top of the grief of losing you, again. All on top of processing the assault, our past, our history. I’m at the end of my rope. The lawn mower wouldn’t start today. That was the straw. There’s been a million straws, but that was today’s. I cried, and cried, and cried.

I’ve got no village. No one to call to fix the lawnmower. No one to give me a break. I borrowed money from our daughter to get gas for the lawnmower that then still wouldn’t start. I’m running out of food and don’t get paid til Friday. I’m at the end of my rope. I never once asked you for child support, but the last 2 years you had finally stepped up and were helping out, equally contributing. That hurts even more. It had been “the best it had ever been”, or had it?

What happens next? Another court date coming up. Did you get your shit together and get a lawyer? Will these bail conditions stay in place for another three months while this gets drawn out. Will you continue to not try to see or talk to your child, even though she’s NOT named in the bail conditions? How do I continue to explain that to her. Do I get a lawyer, do I need to go to family court - get parental rights established, child support? What fucking life is this. I never envisioned this for myself, for my child. I cried for my mother today. I needed my mother today. I needed someone to step in and save me, to raise me up, to take care of me.

I’m doing the best I can. Today was hard. The urge to escape so strong. At 13 I used to cut, and cut, and slice the pain away, then it was drugs. I thought of all those things today, to escape. I tried to message for help. Hints for someone to come fix the lawnmower (because that is the issue! Haha). No one came. I called a friend in Idaho. I cried, we laughed. I rage posted arguing with homophobes on the Internet. I got distracted. Then I did the dishes, and made dinner, and fed the dog, and argued trying to get our daughter into jammies and ready for bed. I went on with life. Alone. Again. Ready to wake up tomorrow and start all over.

[tryingtofindtheocean]

It feels like an assault. The punches will keep coming, and they won’t stop. It’s tiring, and that’s the point. It is important to protect yourself, your mental and physical health, if you lose yourself you can’t fight back. BUT it’s also important to pay attention. Name the bills and show your opposition, pay attention to your local governmental representatives and support organizations that have the ability and capacity to fight back.

[tryingtofindtheocean]

TW: Grooming/Potential SA?

*******************

I hate how much space you occupy in my memory. I hate how certain movies, songs, activities are ruined because of you. I hate that you tainted me the way you did. The visceral reaction I get when these triggers bring you back to my consciousness is unnerving.

I don’t remember the first time I met you, but I remember the first time we got high together. I was newly 14. It was late, maybe 10pm, summertime, end of August. I had just left one of my childhood best friends house, after some weird sexual interaction - I might have slept with him that night, or was just pressured to give him head - either way I walked out of his house down the road in the dark. You drove by me, in your red Toyota Tacoma. You knew who I was. You stopped, reversed and rolled down your window, asked if I wanted a ride, and then if I wanted to get high. You were 25 then, again, I was 14. You worked for my parents, the new bartender. I had been getting high with the football player/dishwasher all summer long (another college student), maybe he told you about me.

Either way - it took you another year or two before I guess I was old enough for you to move on me in that way. I was wild. I thought I was cool. I liked the attention. I didn’t realize how disgusting and sick it all was. Later, when I turned 27, and starting working in schools, I realized. Could I look at a 16 year old kid like that? Absolutely not. Would I ever imagine me at that age getting high and sleeping with a 16 year old? Fuck no. There was something wrong with you.

I remember when things turned. I was 15, home for the summer after being sent away and on my third high school/program. You and your roommates sold coke. Waitressing I was making more than $100 a night and it all went to you. We’d work together, I’d buy coke from you, we’d party together. One night after hanging out, your dropped me off down the street from my house (so as not to be seen), I gave you a hug and you leaned in and took a giant whiff of my hair. “Did you just smell me?!” I don’t remember how soon after we started having sex, but for more than 2 years we “dated”. I lied to my parents every single day. They had to have known - why didn’t they stop it? I look back now, or am transported back, and get sick to my stomach. Someone should have stopped it. Today the trigger was “Brown Eyed Woman” by the Grateful Dead - I hate you for that. Last month it was when my daughter asked to watch the movie “Elf”.

Just because I “consented” then doesn’t make it okay. You waited until I turned 16, the legal “age of consent”where we lived so it wouldn’t be considered statutory rape, or worse. You were a full grown adult (though now I know you were nothing more than a boy/child) and I was the actual child, who wanted to be “grown”.

[tryingtofindtheocean]

elon musk did a nazi salute twice at the inauguration, and republicans are defending him.

trump revoked executive order 11246, which prohibited discrimination.

trump put all dei employees on leave to be fired.

trump banned all lgbtq+ flags from being hung in government buildings.

trump rolled back biden’s executive order to lower prescription drug costs for people using medicare and medicaid.

trump rescinded the $35 cap on insulin, and prices are expected to rise to $1500 a month.

trump ordered the national institutes of health to cancel their review panels on cancer research.

when sean hannity asked trump about the economy, he said “i don’t care”, after campaigning with the economy as his main talking point.

trump has withdrawn the us from the world health organization.

trump is ordering health agencies to stop reporting on bird flu and halt publications of scientific reports.

trump has pardoned over 1500 people who stormed the capitol on january 6th.

trump changed mount denali back to mount mckinley.

trump signed an executive order to rename the gulf of mexico to gulf of america.

trump shut down cbp one, an app which granted legal entry to 1 million+ immigrants.

trump is allowing ice raids at churches and elementary schools.

trump announced plans to declare a national emergency at the us-mexico border.

trump signed an executive order to expand the use of the death penalty.

trump disbanded the school safety board that works to prevent school shootings. it was comprised of survivors, educators, and gun violence prevention advocates and formed after the school shooting in parkland.

trump withdrew from the paris climate act.

trump revoked all protections for transgender troops in the us military.

trump rescinded executive orders made by biden that benefited and protected women, lgbtq+ people, black americans, hispanic americans, asian americans, native hawaiians, and pacific islanders.

trump is attempting to make it legal to refuse to hire or fire pregnant women.

multiple state legislators are drafting bills to allow the punishment for abortion to be the death penalty.

trump pardoned 23 individuals convicted under the freedom of access to clinic entrances (FACE) act for their anti-abortion activism, including oftentimes violent protests at abortion clinics.

trump signed an executive order allowing deportation of foreign students who they believe express support for hamas or hezbollah.

trump announced that the us government will from here on out only recognize male and female as sexes. intersex is not legally recognized anymore.

trump refused to swear on the bible during his inauguration.

andy ogles drafted a constitutional amendment to allow trump to be president for a third term.

georgia republican congressman mike collins called for the deportation of new jersey born mariann budde, the bishop who urged trump to “have mercy” on the lgbtq+ community and immigrants during a service at the national cathedral.

amazon revoked protections for lgbtq+ and black employees.

every single republican told us we were overreacting. trump swore he had nothing to do with project 2025 yet continues implementing details outlined in it. not a single person has the right to tell us we’re being dramatic anymore.

hope the possibility of cheaper eggs and gas was worth it.

[tryingtofindtheocean]

I have over 20 years of journals, that start from the age of 13 with seemingly mundane hormonal girl reflections, quickly delving into a long, drawn-out battle with substances and myself, spanning the entirety of the 20 years. Add in a dash of chaos, trauma, and beauty here and there. Autobiographical/Memoir Fodder - starting with direct quotes from my journals from 20+ years ago.

*******************

Friday Night - March 29th, 2002

11:24pm:

I think I’ll start from the beginning. I’m C, I’m 13, and in 8th grade. I get along with most of my class but don’t really like them. Now I’ll describe people you may hear about in this thing - not a journal, not a diary - but something that may turn into a novel - haha. Yeah, there is KS - a love interest of mine. LOL, we went out a little bit last year (*2000) then never talked then in the beginning of this year (*2001) I got a call from him out of nowhere and we became like best friends. Finally it got into a “relationship” if you can call it that. We kissed a bit, only really made-out once…then after many rumors of me cheating (I hang out with a lot of guys) and one rumor that KS didn’t like me anymore and was just going to stop calling and “brush me off” and see if I got the hints. Which I did. I confronted him and after a lot “I don’t knows” he broke it off. It was for the better I guess. I would always blame myself for anything that went wrong - GS always says it’s not my fault and KS doesn’t know what he’s missing (or whatever). GS is my almost Best Friend, lol, I met him, hell, I don’t know like last year. He’s a punk rocker (lol) he has a band it’s pretty cool actually. TG was my BFF since kinderworks, last year, though she moved to PT. I’m going to go watch home movies of us from 1992 - I’ll be back…

12:17am

Alright I’m sorry enough with the movies, although I was the coolest fucking kid ever! Alright so KS DUMPED me 3 weeks ago on Tuesday and says he’ll call me sometime. I don’t expect him to call, but I trust that he will because I don’t think he would want to hurt me. But today at 6:23 all of a sudden he calls, (like I knew he would, just didn’t really expect) and chats with me like nothing happened, I don’t mind, but I think something inside me still wants him. Sad eh? Oh well, I miss him is all, he was a good friend even without us going out. Well I’m going to put on some good movie (maybe Breakfast at Tiffany’s) and go to sleep - I have to meet TW (a now sophomore that used to go to my school that I used to seriously crush on). I have to meet him at noon, he’s smoking me up :) gotta love him for it, plus he’s still really sweet to me. Almost as if hitting on me but not wanting anything to happen. Also I have to meet JJ (a junior, my sisters friend, and mine) sometime I’m buying a 1/4 from him for $60, it’s going to fucking rule. Anyways, “goodnight” as TW says to me. Oh and I said to meet at 12 and he was like, “it’s a date”. I laughed. AHAHAHAHA - LATER.

***********

The readings are painful. Sometimes in how silly I sound, or later how desperate, how boy crazy. At times I appear obsessed, relentlessly searching and trying to fill the void with anything and everything - drugs, boys, cutting. Thirteen is a brutal age, a difficult and interesting age. Being thirteen and attending a K-8 school with only 52 kids (just 6 in your 8th grade class), with every other town (and kids your age) 20+ minutes away with no public transportation, in the early 2000s, makes for an even more difficult and interesting age. The dawn of the internet golden era. Of AIM, Napster, Limewire, dial-up, of not being on the phone and internet at the same time. Of chat rooms and A/S/L, of rotten.com. Fuck man, we still had pay phones and barely had cell phones. We asked Jeeves and MapQuest, we did Mavis Beacon. We transitioned off tapes to CDs, off floppy disks. We were birthed around the same time as Reality Television, and went through puberty with Paris and Nicole, Kendra, Holly, and Bridgette, and the Girls Gone Wild. Modern day sexualizing young girls turned many of us into our own girl gone wild, “Go Ask Alice”, or “Augusta Gone” - but hey what the fuck else is new?

That first entry from March of 2002 was right near the start of it all really, the decent - and it went downhill pretty quickly after that. In 6 short months - after graduating 8th grade and turning 14 - I would do countless different types of drugs, sleep with multiple different guys, fool around with others, steal drugs, overdose (on my own medication), get a concussion, be regularly partying with adults, get sent away, steal more drugs, have a little menty-b, and get kicked out of school, and finally get sent to a wilderness treatment program. 2002 was quite the year, and that’s only half of it.

Come along for the ride #tryingtofindtheocean

[tryingtofindtheocean]

“America I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing.

America two dollars and twentyseven cents January 17, 1956.

I can’t stand my own mind.

America when will we end the human war?

Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb.

I don’t feel good don’t bother me.

I won’t write my poem till I’m in my right mind.

America when will you be angelic?

When will you take off your clothes?

When will you look at yourself through the grave?

When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?

America why are your libraries full of tears?

America when will you send your eggs to India?

I’m sick of your insane demands.

When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?

America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.”

[tryingtofindtheocean]

man nobody gives a fuck about your gay ass memoir

Kevin is this you?

[tryingtofindtheocean]

1/20/25 - ‘Home at the Bar’

I was looking through photos last night to post after a Facebook argument and I came across this one in an old album. (Don’t worry - I rage posted my “ammo” and then I deleted Facebook and my other Meta apps, even the “new TikTok”). This photo though, a favorite of mine and one I’ve seen a hundred times, had a new edge. Me at the bar, sitting with my father and a few of his buddies the morning after a large party. I fit right in - bellied up to the bar with my baseball cap repping the band from last nights party, Beauty and the Beast T-shirt, sipping ginger ale from a rocks glass. Something strikes me differently this time. What’s that edge and wild in my eyes. Is this a normal childhood? I thought so, and loved every minute of it. At least for a little while.

I never knew, at least not then, all the history and stories time holds. Later, I still didn’t fully understand. It takes constant reflection, spurred by little reminders - photos, journals, stories, conversations - to try and understand. To make sense of where you’ve come from and how it all came to be this way. I don’t think I will ever fully understand it.

I always asked myself, “what happened to me?”, “why was I like this?”. Every stage of my life, I’ve gone searching, trying to reflect back on the past. I scour my mother’s endless photo albums, home videos on VHS, digital photo files, disposable camera film, my old laptops from college and beyond, smart-phone camera rolls. I finger through old notebooks, journals, scraps of paper, notes apps, social media posts - checking dates, events - re-reading all of my thoughts, literal dreams and ramblings. All the while collecting and trying to piece together something, something that will trigger the memory into action. Forcing synapses to fire that might help me to understand the patterns and cycles from my past in order to better navigate what’s to come. To have some sort of upper hand of wisdom, of experience.

For what though? To make it through another year with less struggle? To just merely survive? I don’t dare say “to thrive” - what the fuck does that even mean?

It doesn’t appear I’ve been thriving, but I have made it thus far. 36, mother, home owner, teacher, gardener. Nothing extraordinary - but another life nonetheless. Hopefully one with meaning, and purpose, and value. One that can provide something of importance to someone else in this world.

Many times in the past 36 years I have stopped to reflect on “life thus far” or the “current state of things” (personally and in the grander scheme of things) - often doing so in times of turmoil. I’ve found myself thinking about the little girl pictured above and wondered - “is this how she envisioned her life playing out?” - the contents of the photo above point to “yes” - but the society she grew up in most definitely had me answering, “no”, time and time again. If I looked closely however, scoured the pages of photo albums and journal entries - could I possibly see what I would have needed to know. The knowledge needed to make different choices. What was in my control, what wasn’t? The age old questions of Nature vs Nurture.

I grew up in a loving, 2 parent, middle/working class home. My father, a high school drop-out turned “entrepreneur” and my mother, the stabilizing peacemaker, became a force to be reckoned with. My sisters and I grew up in the hospitality industry, catering to wealthy summer folk, locals, and everything in between. A clear divide of worlds, that became even clearer the older I got.

Still I come back to the same types of questions - What was different about me, if anything? What made me lash out at such an early age and not my two older sisters? What started my spiral into a world of drugs that would last for over 20 years? What caused my emotional instability? Why was I allowed to get away with the things I did? Why did I lose my mother and father? How much damage have I done to myself in all these years? What pulled me through, and not others? Will I make it another year? Another 5? 10? How do I protect my child from life’s events? Do we need the sorrows and pain to make the joys meaningful? Is that what life is? Am I really any different in the end? Do these questions have answers - do they even fucking matter?

I don’t know, but at least there’s a lot of good stories to tell…here goes nothing.

*********************************

[tryingtofindtheocean]

2024 - and back to Tumblr I come. Today is Inauguration Day - TikTok was banned, for 12-16 hours at most, and service restored yesterday. Enough time for Trump to become the great white hope and “save the day”, Zuckerberg and Musk are buying America. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” - the oligarchy isn’t behind the curtain anymore. I’m at a loss for words - Palestine has been under constant fire from Israel since October 2023 (most recently) with over 47,000 casualties - today is day two of a ceasefire, Trump has named insane nominations for his cabinet picks - Linda Macmahon, Dr. Oz, Elon Musk, the US is under threat of mass deportations (again), Trump “won” the election by a landslide and today - on MLK Day - we enter the next chapter in Hell. We will see what will come.

This blog was started in 2012? To write my thoughts, I returned in 2019, started a new blog, but fizzled out. I am here now, trying to get off Meta apps, and return to the thought of writing a memoir - with some of my previous writings here as fodder. Follow along if you want to help me in my journey. How does one start to write a book?

Come avoid the current political reality and dive into writing with me!

[tryingtofindtheocean]

Whoa ... it’s 2019 - I’m making a new blog - go check it out lifeofskyandsea

[tryingtofindtheocean]

Had an amazing time at Poetry in Motion learning from one of the dopest pole artists out there @poetrypole #poledance #polefitness #poetryinmotion #poleart About to smash some mac n cheese and chicken and hit the freeway to #NYC. @mkincaid86 wish you were with me girl! #ontheroad (at Baltimore)

[tryingtofindtheocean]

#Spring days picking #flowers and thinking of Mom <3 (at Yashiro Japanese Garden)

[tryingtofindtheocean]

Fuck yes! My first time with this one! #selftaught #youtubetaught #poledance #poledancemotivation #polefitness #love

[tryingtofindtheocean]

Fuck yes! My first time with this one! #selftaught #youtubetaught #poledance #poledancemotivation #polefitness #love

[tryingtofindtheocean]

What is this thing? An #oldie but a #beauty in downtown #olympia #cryptatropa #darkbar #darkdentist

[tryingtofindtheocean]

Bosco's in the snow! #firstsnow #imdreamingofawhitechristmas