tsuching300

[tsuching300]

This is a rant.

What the actual fuck was wrong with me back in middle school?

I get it, I've heard it before, 'you were just young and stupid' but I fucking hate that person. Young me was dumb. Sure, I was just starting to question my sexuality just last year, but why didn't you take the guy who literally asked you if you loved him back? Oh, I know. It's because you were so scared of being wrong about your sexuality that you told him that you didn't know if you were gay or even bi except you knew. You knew that you liked him too, kid. But you know where that took us? Here. In our room, silently writing romantic poems as we listen to some midwest emo band from that year. It's all the same, kid. We could've been driving around with him. We could've KISSED him. Shit, he'd probably make out with us if you weren't scared to admit that maybe you did like him too. But that's too late now.

I get it, kid. You were young. You were scared. You knew what would've happened to you if the family found out. But I still kind of resent you. We could've had our first kiss by then, our first feeling of an actual romantic connection with someone. But now we write about how you wish we could hold someone's hand at night. It's all your fault, kid. I love you, kid, but did you have to do that? I really don't like that you did that. Sure, he wasn't everyone's idea of perfect, but he cared about you. He liked you, and you were scared to love him back. I hope one day I fix this. I fix your mistake. And then, we won't be writing poetry to leave in a journal no one will read. We'll be writing for our partner. Whomever they are. And then, maybe then, I'll forgive you, kid. I'm sorry I'm mad at you, that's just how they are now. That was then, this is now. I hope you like where we are now because I don't.

Aww this made me so sad, I hope everything turns out for the better in the future and I'm sending all the hugs and head pats to you.

<3333 I really hope something good happens.

[tsuching300]

I guess I should write a progress statement on my slow departure from my hyperemotionally stuffed animal.

It's been going really bad. One the first day, I cut communication with him. But the second day, I couldn't not talk to him. That day there was a lot going on for me and it stayed like that for a while. I've not been able to move away from him emotionally. I am able to move away from him physically but my emotional state seems to be getting more reliant on him.

I apologize for the lack of progress I've been doing. This week has been a hard one.

I just don't know how to move away from him. My romantic interests in him aren't fading. But I've became aware that he may just be an inanimate object recently. I still see him partially as something I have actual romantic feelings for while seeing the other half as just some toy. I have yet to talk to someone who is professionally trained to assist me with this about this.

Thank you for coming back and telling me, I suggest you see a professional trained person to help and guide you in this. I know it's hard to detach and it takes time and progress.

I'm happy to know that you have become aware that he is a inanimate object and not a real, living, breathing person. It's okay. It will take time but you will get there! :)

[tsuching300]

Ok I think this makes me a bad person but I need to rant it out anyway :

I don’t really care when people try to vent to me (if it’s really deep) or they try to out their lives in my hands

I just stop caring after it

If they tell me they’ll kill themselves and expect me to be a therapist I’ll shut them out bc I’ve been a personal therapist since 10 and 9/10 times they’re bluffing and are gonna do the same thing next week

But like. I suck at comforting people when they’re attention seeking like that because I’m always like… okay?? Call someone then

But they get mad when I give them genuine resources to get better so I just shut up

If they’re gonna be mad at me for not wanting to ruin my mental health over them I don’t wanna be friends

But also if they don’t wanna get better and just want me to fuss over them I don’t care either

I know people and have heard things like that as well. I get that not everybody likes when people vent out to them. You don't have to comfort people or feel obliged to do that. You can tell them genuinely that you can't help them in any way. In certain situations, if it's seriously genuinely needed, then give them comfort and care.

Nobody is forcing you do listen to vents. It's okay. I understand. Don't ruin your mental health and tell them ways to get resources and that's it.

[tsuching300]

Ok, this one actually is really stupid but

I feel. Very lonely. All the time. And it's stupid because I text people and people text me and I talk to my family, but I just feel so isolated

It's summer, and everyone's doing things, and seeing people, but I'm just sitting, rotting in my house, home alone while everyone actually does shit with their life

My friends? They're going out, summer camps, cafes, hangouts, blah blah blah.

My sibling, who doesn't have a life either? Band camp every week and their friend over every weekend.

Even my mutuals, who very clearly Do Not Have A Life leave the house sometimes, and even when they don't, they're still doing things at home!

And it makes me feel useless, for one, but more importantly, so fucking alone

And there are about TWO people who I DON'T feel lonely around!

One of those two people, I can't text. I can't call. We're communicating over Google Docs! Every single conversation is with hour-long gaps in responses. And then their internet cuts out at 10, so I can't even be hopeful for a response.

The other is on Tumblr. We almost never text or DM. And that's fine! We talk through comments, vague posts, asks, and reblogs, and that's completely fine, actually. Because the thing about them that makes me feel so seen around them is just that they like most of my posts. Not all of them, that would be absurd, but every vent, every shit post, every post I make, even if it's not immediately, they find it. And that? That's the thing that really makes me feel seen.

The issue is that now, every time my posts aren't liked, or I can't post, or I'm waiting for a response, I feel so isolated. Other notes don't matter to me, I'm just waiting for my friend. Texts don't matter to me, because it's not my other friend's response on the doc.

When I can't have those, I'm miserable. I drown in my self loathing until one of them is back.

And even with them, I'm still lonely, because only having two people who actually know you, who see you? That's horrible.

And this is such a fucking stupid thing to complain about, because I have a lot of friends. And 11 of them, outside of the two, who I'm still talking to this summer! And I have the two either way! But I'm still so lonely. And I've been lonely for years. Even when I'm fucking surrounded by people. And I know it's never gonna stop. No matter what I do.

😿 Anon

Awwww, I get what you mean. You can also pick up a hobby or something which you like to do and engage yourself in it. There are a lot of things you can do and which won't make you feel lonely. I do get this, as people say to me a lot "you have a lot of friends" but I actually sometimes feel lonely in a room full of friends. :(

Don't drown yourself in self loathing, please don't. Just focus on the the part where you feel happy when your friend(s) respond back. Try to do different thing in real life so you can maybe find a new hobby? or a new interest? Sketching? Cooking? Painting? THERE'S A LOT.

You have people who takes care of you and listen to you, be happy about that. I also care for you a lot and I always will. You aren't alone in this, I'm with you. :)

It will stop if you start working on it daily and improving yourself. Engage yourself in some activity and see the change. You will actually forget you are lonely and enjoy yourself. The trick has worked for me and started feeling less lonely and I just completely immersed myself in it that nothing mattered. I hope you try and feel better. <333

[tsuching300]

this is my third time writing this because idk how to word it except that it feels like melancholy.

i feel like I don't have a home. yes, I do have a place to live but I don't feel like I have a home. I only have the town but nowhere in this town to call home. even if I do, it feels wrong. like I'm calling a stranger my parent. it doesn't feel right and I don't know why. all I do know is that I feel like there's a home somewhere. idk where. so many places even if I never once been there.

the closest I've come to trying to figure this out is like if I'm an older sibling who left for work or school miles away from my hometown and that I'm feeling this need to come back. I have this feeling that something is wrong somewhere but idk where or what is happening.

Im lost and I feel like I lost something. lost somewhere where I shouldn't be and that I lost my faith.

its weird and I want to get help for this strange feeling. its so complex and I don't know if my guesses are right. I just feel like I woke up somewhere far away from home but I don't remember what home is.

/Anon, lost somewhere

You will definitely find that place where you will finally feel at home. Have you ever felt somewhere where u felt this was home to you? Any place? I know you will find it very soon. :(

Go to different places and experience how you feel there. I understand how you are feeling and I hope this feeling goes away soon and you finally feel at home. I'm sending you many hugs and head pats <3333

Believe in yourself and take a deep breath and calm down.

[tsuching300]

I feel like shit for saying this but I feel tired.

I've been doing a lot, looking for jobs, taking care of mh brother and family, taking care of friends I'm scared to lose, trying to keep my relationships stable. I feel myself shaking so much from my anxiety. I can't write this without auto correct because then it would look like French.

My heart hurts, I feel like I'm losing all my breath, and I can't stop this shaking. I feel like a freak. Constantly feeling like I could drop dead in the next six minutes.

But I don't want to stop. I can't. I can't let my family fall. I can't let my friends die. I can't lose my friends. I can't harm or let the people in pain hurt. It hurts to feel like this. To feel like I'll soon be falling if I stop. I don't want to have more friends die. I don't want to die. I want to see my dreams. I don't know why the more I seem to pray to God the more everyone hurts. I know I asked for God to give me their pain, but why still make them hurt? Why are more friends being hurt and more friends contining to be hurt?

I just want peace.

/anon

You have to rest for a while and take care of yourself, you are taking care of everyone so you deserve a break as well :(

I understand your concern and how you want to protect your friends and family, but you have to take a break and calm yourself down. Sleep well, eat well and rest well.

Meditate for a while actually, it helps a lot. I do that too when I get overwhelmed with stuff and it relaxes me. I'm sending all the hugs and cookies to you <333

I know you will get there and take a break for a while and then start looking again but before you have calmed yourself down! I'm rooting for you!!!

[tsuching300]

I have to be a vague as possible so apologies in advance

I myself know how it feels like to want to go. I know that feeling but I'm not sure how to stop someone else from almost making the second worst mistake of my life.

I'm trying. I'm doing my best with the best of my knowledge. But I feel like I'm doing a really shit job. Barely keeping them up and away from the mistake I almost did. My anxiety is at a constant high and it's been the highest it's ever been. I never felt like I'm more scared to make the wrong move than ever. Knowing that one mistake can have someone dead.

They're a lovely person. I can't imagine a life where I'm not with them. And knowing what they feel is scary. I know what it feels and I don't want them to feel it. It feels like no matter how much I ask God for help, im doing everything I can. Researching academic articles and journals to find help. Making sure I follow the best help to exist. I don't feel tired. I don't think I want to. I think I'm just worried about my mistake. That one word that doesn't work. That one wrong word I should've never had said.

I think I'm just asking for help. I don't know how, this help is hard. But I think that if I say what I want, there will be something to help. Something to save my favorite soul.

/anon

Make them understand better, talk more to them. Explain to them as to how wrong their step is and try to calmly make them understand.

Tell them how important they are and how much you care for them. It's okay, you don't want them to do what you did. :(

It seems like a tough task to make someone understand before they do something to themselves. I understand completely. Take your time and make them understand how much everyone will be upset if anything seriously happened to them. You seem to really care for them so convey it to them. I really hope they get it.

[tsuching300]

Nothing much has been happening. Just some academic stress. Bullying. But I'm glad school is over for now and I just have my last exam tomorrow

But I have no friends my age irl. Just my bf. Cuz at school I'm the typical "weird one"

Aww, it's okay. You can try to make more friends and communicate more. I'm still always here for you :( if you ever need anyone to talk to.

You are a very sweet and nice person.

[tsuching300]

I did take a deep breath and calmed down a bit

I've been doing a lot of vent art recently which is a surprisingly good way for me to get my emotions out, even if the art itself doesn't look the prettiest

I'm still a bit anxious, but I feel a lot better

thank you for making a space like this :]

- 🔪

Yippe you did!!! Doing art is the best way to calm down your nerves. It doesn't matter if it's not the prettiest, just continue being you and whatever makes you happy.

I'm glad you feel better now!!! It's okay, take care of yourself and smile more!!! :D

Your welcomo anon!!!

[tsuching300]

one of your moots here.

i’m honestly scared because i’ve been going to work out to let out stress and what not but i can’t shake the feeling of not feeling okay. i have this urge to relapse and urge to just leave. I don’t want to leave because it’ll hurt my family and my friends i’m just scared and i don’t know what to do….

It's alrighty, everyone feels like that at some point. What is it that you are scared about? Anything in particular? Don't relapse and don't leave. :(

Maybe do something you like to do, or do something that will distract you for a while and forget about everything. Keep your mind calm.

I'm sending you hugs <333 Don't worry, everything will be fine.

[tsuching300]

I feel so anxious all the time even when I'm in a good mood and I don't know why. I hate it

- 🔪 (if anons are allowed on this blog?)

Take a deep breath and close your eyes and calm down. Distract yourself maybe? by doing something you like? Sketching? Listening to music?

Whatever thing calms you down.

Anons are allowed here!

[tsuching300]

I feel half dead

:( Do you want to talk about it? Did something happen?

[tsuching300]

HUGS!!!

HUGSSSS!!!

[tsuching300]

(you don't have to post this or respond I just make poems to cope)

Dont wanna die

Don't wanna live

Dont feel safe

Dont feel calm

Dont feel angry

So what am I

Im not sad

Or scared

I know what I'm not but what's left

Whats left

What am I

Im nothing

Im left behind

Im not scared

Or tired

Yet something in-between

Something inbetween

Something scary

Im not numb

Yet I'm not feeling

Im just emotionless

Yet not

All I know

Is that I'm

Left behind

Once again

Typical for me

Wow, that was beautiful. I loved it!!!!!

Lemme give you a hug through the screen!!

*hugs you*

[tsuching300]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 100 likes!

ALREADYYYYYY?!!? THANKSSS GUYSSS!!!! :D

[tsuching300]

I live in America and I've been postponing having a crisis about politics but everyone I know is having a crisis and it's making me realize how bad it is and I'm panicking

I'm realizing that all of this is happening and there's no way my loved ones can escape it and if something happens they might die

And they're all so young and I don't want them to die in the country they despise

And the only thing I can think to do to escape it is to kill myself but that won't do anything for my friends

I'm so sorry to dump all of my panicked rambling about things you can't fix on you but I need somewhere to put my thoughts and know that someone will actually see them

-Your favorite venting anon from your other blog, 😿 Anon

Do not harm yourself, please don't. I understand the panicking and concern but keep calm, this thing will pass aswell. Just keep calm and don't panic. I know it sounds stupid.

Don't worry, you can get through this!!! It's fine you can come anytime to me <333 DON'T PANIC AND KEEP CALM!

Take a deep breath and close your eyes.

[tsuching300]

Existing feels wrong

I want to sleep for a long long time

Not really sleep though

More like exist without drama

But l don't see that as possible

It's okay, you can get through this! I believe in you please don't do anything to yourself. I know things take a toll on people but it's okay, you can do it.

I know you will get through this in some way or the other. DON'T GIVE UP! I'm rooting for you!!!!