turtle-in-space

[turtle-in-space]

Just gotta vent again for a hot second (or two)

I feel like I’m treating my tumblr like a diary now lol. After posting that long rant yesterday, I reflected a lot about what I said in it and I felt kind of petty... My life wasn’t that bad honestly and I had a lot of great opportunities!! I feel very fortunate to be where I am now and everything that happened in life brought me to this moment. I felt bad for trashing so much in my last post, so I thought that since my exams were over, I should reflect on my words a little better. I’m sorry for filling feeds with this shit, but please understand that I’m trying this out to cope with my stress :(

An old friend from high school reached out to me and that kind of slapped me out of my dark place. I realize now that I had not really moved on from my past self as much as I thought. I feel like I blamed too many people for my insecurities and I forgot to appreciate the people who I should have focused my energy on: the ones who pulled me out during the weekends when I felt really down, the ones who helped me with assignments at ridiculously late hours, the ones who reminded me to look past my face and the way I dressed, etc...

My mother called recently and that call stressed me out a lot. I was always bitter about not having a rich, emotionally supportive, and westernized family. My parents constantly threatened to divorce. My mother often told me that if I wasn’t obedient, she would send me to an orphanage or lock me in the basement to starve. My father was very verbally and physically abusive. He threw things and cursed at everyone in my family if he was upset about anything. (He was also a full-blown racist toward everyone who breathed on this earth) Both my parents constantly reminded me I wasn’t worth shit without them and that I should have never been born. I really wanted to talk to someone about this when it affected me greatly as a teenager, but people wouldn’t hesitate to tell me that I should be thankful for my privilege of having a smartphone and computer, getting into a decent college, and having good grades. Poor people aren’t supposed to have nice things and take up opportunities right? It still hurts to think about it, but I’m not self-destructive over my parents’ “criticisms” anymore. Their insults don’t cut deep anymore and I’ve learned that I’m more than their threats and abuses. It still stresses me out to go home because they also had two more kids (what’s birth control lol) and I’m a free babysitter/housekeeper. But Turtle, you’re an adult now!! They can’t tell you what to do anymore!!! ayy lmao first of all please check yourself and secondly I don’t want to bother explaining myself if that’s how it’s going to be so just accept this is all I can handle in life right now ok?

On a more positive note, I’m still working on that self-worth part!! I’m trying to appreciate the little victories in life, like I was feeling really down last week, but decided to get out of bed and get my eyebrows done and wow. I hate going outside especially by myself, but new eyebrows make a new person honestly. Best decision of the month tbh. I was also feeling like crap for spending more than usual, so I was glad that my supervisor let me take more work hours. Also so proud of myself for saving up enough for a new phone on top of my other expenses!!! My mentor in my new lab has also been so good to me by giving me days off during my exam week. I have to start job hunting soon, and I’m worried that I’m not very impressive to hire. My boyfriend often reminds me that my resume is built like a steel hammer though so let’s hope!!!

I was hoping for a more positive post for myself, but I guess that part about my parents wasn’t so gr8 lol. I guess writing these posts just helps take these bad thoughts off my mind and into something else so it feels like they have been lifted off my shoulders. I’m still an angry little bitch sometimes. Still awkward af too lol. I’ve recently noticed that when I talk to people I’m uncomfortably being around, I start acting awkwardly nervous and say stupid shit like “Oh I talk to my Google assistant when I’m lonely.” No shit I’m not actually that desperate but I’m trying to seem interesting... I’m trying ; - ; Anyway moral of this story... good people are out there! It might take years but it’ll be so worth it when you find them... Actually fuck that; the moral of this story is to go out and get your eyebrows done because it’ll hurt for like 2 mins but then you feel like a tru goddess and your fine af eyebrow raises will let people know they can’t hurt you no mo.

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Just gotta vent for a hot minute (or two)

Henlo I haven’t touched this account for like 2-3 years?? I just finished final exams today and I feel so uncomfortably unproductive today lol. I found that whenever I’m stressed about something, shameful memories of my past start flooding into my mind. I broke down yesterday because I just felt so overwhelmed with these thoughts! I don’t really like to vent too extensively to my friends, but it does happen sometimes and I just feel like a burden afterward so I decided to write here since no one will see it (I hope lol). I just needed “someone” to talk to, but I didn’t want to actually tell anyone at the same time, ya feel? (Just a little note if someone happens to stubble upon this is that I mention suicide and depression)

I think my exams went well and I felt pretty confident to get them over with so I don’t understand why I suddenly experienced a flood of painful memories. I especially thought a lot about high school and the people I interacted with and how I interacted with other people. I believe I was one of the most awkward little shits in my entire school, and I still carry that view of myself today deep deep inside. Firstly, I was always ashamed of my socioeconomic upbringing. My family was on gov’t assistance programs and the people around me ingrained in me that I should be ashamed for not being financially well-off. I realized since coming into college years ago that my financial background did not define my self-worth. More money doesn’t make anyone a better person; it just makes reality a little more comfortable to sit on. Well at least I knew early on to get a job and budget my spending well.

I also thought I was hopelessly unattractive. No one in my childhood years ever told me I was “pretty” or “good-looking.” People often pointed out how I was ugly, especially since I had really bad facial acne and my parents often slut-shamed me for showing any skin beyond my face and hands. I wore a fucking sweater in hot summer weather for fucks sake because I felt so damn vulnerable. My friends called me irrationally crazy for doing that, but ya know years of being called ugly just makes me want to cover it all up. I didn’t except anyone to know this, but I wish I could have friends I trusted enough to tell this to without judgement. I always felt like people kept me around so they could feel better about their own looks, like “I’m not feeling great today, but at least I don’t look like her!” I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years now who calls me beautiful every day though! I just feel so awful because I never believe him when he calls me pretty. I sometimes cry myself to sleep about it because here’s finally someone who thinks I’m beautiful and I just can’t accept it because I truly believe I am hopelessly ugly. I have tried make up once in a while when I feel a little more confident, but I just think that even that can’t cover the ugly. I met a hell of a lot of toxic people in my life. Even my closest friends were toxic people that I didn’t even notice were toxic until the damage was done. I wish I had realized earlier that they didn’t give a shit about my well-being. I still called them my friends because they were supportive at times, but I felt that their half-ass support always came with a cost. I was a fucking broke bitch but I offered to pay for gifts and food because if I didn’t, they wouldn’t give two fucks anymore. Whenever they wanted to vent, I would try to open my doors (I even went out of my way to meet someone at a fucking mall right after a long ass shift at work because she was feeling down only for her to fucking tell me I’m too immature for a boyfriend and that I’m essentially ugly???), but when I want to vent, these “friends” would just talk behind my back and call me things like “mentally incapable,” “immature,” or “validation-seeking.” (For a class assignment, I didn’t know how to describe myself in three words so I asked some friends. Turns out, they all were talking to each other about how I’m just looking for people to compliment me.) I’ve done my fair share of being a toxic bitch back to people because I had a strong “fight fire with fire” mentality. However, it wasn’t the things I said that offended them. I felt like my mere existence offended them. All my successes were insults to them because how could a fucking poor kid achieve anything? Some admissions officer took pity on me?? I probably sucked dick for it right?? I was even directly accused of riding off the college system for being in a low-income household and I shouldn’t be proud of getting into college just for that. Honestly, I don’t feel anything for it at all because I probably wasn’t worth shit to these people who sought to break down my confidence anyway. Some of them still make a point to contact me to tell me their life stories post-high school. (They really think I’m the same bitch taking their bs again??) Great. Grand. I’m moving on with my life away from you and you should too. Cutting people off and distancing myself from a lot of old “friends” was the best decision of my life. I’ve met a lot of genuinely good people post-high school who I would honestly give my life to. They’ve made me into a better, more confident person for myself without me trying to “buy” friendships with gifts and cheap compliments. I used to be embarrassed of leaving my hair down but one of my college friends encouraged me to try letting it down because I had nice hair. I get so many compliments now about my hair that I used to keep short all the damn time. I grew out this luscious mane that I held back for so many years because I was too lazy to go out for haircuts lol. Also those of you who made fun of my thicker “angry-looking” eyebrows: look who’s filling and arching their baby face furs now??? Not me bitch. I think the experience that affected me the greatest was someone I used to live with who constantly threatened to commit suicide. I was drained and my grades suffered because I gave my heart and soul to her to see that she was taken care of and to be unconditionally supportive. It was a whole mess among my other friends, and when I suggested we leave her be for a while, one of them accused me of heartlessly disregarding a life. Granted though I knew what it felt like to be suicidal and she took mental health advice from a blog and a fucking youtuber(??) I felt like I was a disappointing person by default that I let myself be taken advantage of too much. Everyone else in the same situation with this person who was suicidal would shame me when I said I couldn’t deal with it anymore, yet felt free to distance themselves from her and put the responsibility onto me to take care of her whenever they wanted. I gave up my rest times after long weeks of exams to spend time with her when everyone else made vacation plans??? I just feel like people think badly of me all the time, so I have to make it up 10-fold to boost my morality score or something. Essentially, I became a huge doormat and let people step all over me. She cut herself out of my life all of a sudden after a whole year of this shit, and I was shaken. I’ve accepted it now that some people are just toxic no matter what, and it was up to me to show myself the love that I desperately sought from other people. Now I’m 21 years old, still depressed and anxious, but living with it a lot better. I have my moments, but I know at the end of the day, I’m a stronger person now. I want to take a moment to thank all of you snakes for using me to feed your insecurities. I feel a lot better to let this all out. If anyone did read this, congratulations and thank you for taking interest in my /grand/ life story. If there’s anything to take away from this, I wish I could tell my younger self to never feel apologetic for existing and that life gets so much better. I wish I could tell her that the people she is with will be irrelevant soon, and that much more compassionate and inspiring people will come along. I wish I could tell her that I’m so proud of her for making it through her own emotional mess and not killing herself. I wish I could tell her to not be afraid of letting go of people who hurt her. I wish she could see these bomb ass eyebrows and shiny thick long hair and wonderfully straight teeth. Most of all, I wish I will be even more confident in myself and that I will fully understand that I’m allowed to be loved.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY @greyskieslatenights!!! I HOPE TODAY HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY AND THAT PEOPLE SPOILED YOU AND STUFF. I PRESENT A JUNHOE TO FUEL YOUR TRASH SELF. I LOVE YOU <333

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Something I drew two weeks ago but don’t feel like finishing so yeah...

Happy Holidays :D

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Questions yay!

tagged by greyskieslatenights​ (like five centuries ago...)

• Current follower count: -laughs and cries while running toward the sunset-

• Favorite concert: B.A.P concert I attended with people a few years ago aka the only concert I’ve ever been to

• Age: 18 (ALMOST AND AN HALF YO)

• Gender: Female

• Height: 5′ 5″ - 5′ 6″?

• Closest friend in real life and Tumblr: Real life - greyskieslatenights​ (da real mvp), fluffychouxalacreme​, livininnovember​, salmonigiri​, wholockeddetective​, and maybe some others because I forgot their urls... Tumblr - hi please talk to me but maybe not because I never post stuff

• Hair color: black

• Makeup: ~au naturel~

• Favorite color: green, blue, grey, black

• Ever met a follower: more than 50% of them because -cries- u know...

• Most notes on a post: x < 10 probably

• Most selfie notes: what selfie


• Tumblr famous: nice joke

• Musical talent: uhhh I played piano and violin when I was younger and I was in a choir in high school...


• Popular at school: u funny

• Siblings: younger brother and sister

• Favorite item of clothing: jeeeaaans

• Favorite bands: B.A.P, Bigbang, and uh... idk if I like their music then yeah sure?

• Tagging: up there^^^

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COPIC MARKER GIVEAWAY

Alright, so I bought all these Copics when I was in Japan years ago and have never, ever used them, so I thought someone else could treat them better.

All the Cool Greys (C0-C8) are Broad and Fine, and just about all the rest are Copic Sketch. You can see from the picture there’s a good range of color. I picked them all out according to a marker guide to get the most bang for my buck. There’s also two colorless blenders in there which are very slightly used.  Case / box isn’t included. Altogether there are about 90-95 markers (they were hard to count in just like this and I’m not taking the time to count exactly. count the photo if you want.)

LIKE OR REBLOG THIS UNTIL JUNE 15TH FOR A CHANCE TO WIN. No follow necessary.

a note on shipping: I’m in the USA, if the cost is manageable (under $20) to outside the US, I’ll do my best to cover it, but if it’s a high cost, I might ask you to kick me a few $ to cover it. we’ll see. 

[turtle-in-space]

COPIC MARKER GIVEAWAY

Alright, so I bought all these Copics when I was in Japan years ago and have never, ever used them, so I thought someone else could treat them better.

All the Cool Greys (C0-C8) are Broad and Fine, and just about all the rest are Copic Sketch. You can see from the picture there’s a good range of color. I picked them all out according to a marker guide to get the most bang for my buck. There’s also two colorless blenders in there which are very slightly used.  Case / box isn’t included. Altogether there are about 90-95 markers (they were hard to count in just like this and I’m not taking the time to count exactly. count the photo if you want.)

LIKE OR REBLOG THIS UNTIL JUNE 15TH FOR A CHANCE TO WIN. No follow necessary.

a note on shipping: I’m in the USA, if the cost is manageable (under $20) to outside the US, I’ll do my best to cover it, but if it’s a high cost, I might ask you to kick me a few $ to cover it. we’ll see. 

[turtle-in-space]

I'm still alive e n e been sketching some monsters from puzzle and dragons... (Left to right: Sanctuary Guardian Archangel, Bastet, Sun Wu Kong, Love Deity Venus with a blob that I forgot the name of, and Enchantress of the Sea, Siren) hopefully i'll be able to get back to mted soon...

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Watched Catching Fire last week and finally drew some super messy fanart for it XD It's not supposed to look like movie-Katniss, but I hope it still looks like Katniss ; u ;

Anyway, Winter break is almost over and I don't want to go back to school OTL -huddles up in blankets and cries-

Until next time, my dears o u o7

I notice most of my posts are reblogs from MTED OTL

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merry belated christmas, and here’s the holiday special like we promised! we’re still alive and we’re finally getting off our butts and posting something! Turtle apologizes if D.O doesn’t look like D.O but you know what  -lazy- o n o I tried! And this is the first time Turtle is typing up a post hehehe Greys still had to fix the formatting tho e___e Turtle is still fresh at html. very fresh indeed. DO NOT REPOST!

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totally unintentional sequel to this. you should probably read that first or else this won’t make much sense lol. this takes place about five years after the first one. also happy 2nd month anniversary of us c: are you sick of us yet l o l DO NOT REPOST!

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Kai’s so awkward but so cute ^^ DO NOT REPOST!

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because turtle ships taohun and whAT DO YOU MEAN WE HAVEN’T POSTED IN 3 WEEKS we’ve totally not been lazy herpderp DO NOT REPOST

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first post! so excited~ DO NOT REPOST

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please reblog to help me out! one of my friends cannot go at all if i am unable to get seats ><

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WIP Fanart of Himchan (One Shot) from B.A.P ^ ^