twoplus1

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Thursday afternoon

I decided to write today about how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been feeling a little numb and not like myself. Summer goes slow when you’re broke. Kids don’t really want to do anything and the only thing we have available at home is a pool. I appreciate that I’m at home with my kids, but it’s not good to have no income to do fun stuff. I know how parents say, yeah there’s many things you can do with your kids for free, but I don’t believe that. All you can do is go to the park, beach or hike. All activities that my kids hate to do. Playing video games has become boring to me, and I feel a lack of enthusiasm from me and my kids. I feel sad and overweight. Have not feeling pretty or happy about how everything is going. I’m just happy that I have beautiful kids and that I have somewhere to live. Rent is high and bills are stuck. Eating everyday is even harder because of how expensive it is to pay for food. My kids always have what they need when it comes to food and a non toxic environment with ME. Summers are mostly calm lately. I just wish I could travel with my kids this summer.

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I’ve decided to write again about how I’ve been feeling lately. The past 3 days have been really hard for me based on lack of income and a good solid full time job. I’m almost done with my lease at my current location, and I’ve been crying and upset about moving out. I honestly don’t want to move but not having a good full time job is preventing me from staying here. I’ve also been dealing with problems in my relationship. I am honestly so tired of being so giving and so caring to people that don’t even appreciate it. I am so tired of giving my all, and being mocked. I honestly always give my best to people if I’m given the best. I act accordingly. If you disrespect, I act with indifference. My first goal in life and love has always been to love and be loved. I feel like that part of my life has not been satisfied in all aspects. I want that all love consuming love, the type of love that makes you want to see someone every day and makes you want to be the best for that person.

I’ve had enough of lukewarm love and stale friendships. I’ve had enough of fake people and fake promises. I’ve had enough of people trying to lie to me and pretending to care or help. I don’t deserve not one negative thing this world has to offer.

I deserve the best things this world has to offer. I deserve all consuming affection and consideration. I deserve all the greatest things.. and then some. I don’t deserve users, and fake people around me.

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I’ve been wanting to write about my past relationships and love life. I usually only write here for myself honestly. I know no one reads this, but I just do this for my own personal reflection and my own self therapy. When I was little, all I did was write in my diaries that are probably in the trash or lost and forgotten. I was great at detail. So for this part, I am going to write about how each relationship made me who I am and also how it affected me. My first relationship was with someone that honestly should of never been my bf. He was older. He said he was 19, but honestly he was prob older. He called me names for talking to people and even pushed me and hurt me. I left him for another person at the time, but he was my age. He was my real first love. His name was M. I felt like he would stay with me forever and love me like I did. He seemed like he did while we were dating, but then once I became his gf he left me like a month later. He had met someone else and I told him to choose and he chose that random girl, so I never gave him a chance again. He came back years later when I was 21 to apologize, I called him to try to hang out with him and it went to voicemail. I never tried again to talk to him. My next relationship, happened in a summer of 2003. Met him through friends, and he asked for my number. We were together most of the summer. He left me because I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship and because I didn’t know how to read street names. Kind of ridiculous to me. I cried some for that. After that, I didn’t have any actual relationships until like 2007 or 2006. That didn’t last because it was something that I fell into because he was really nice. In between that, I had two people that I really loved, but they were never officially in a relationship with me. I gave myself to two ppl that never even took me seriously, but the first person that I did, decided to tell me to leave and treated me like crap, even though I felt like he loved me the whole time, but I’m the only one that loved him. Me alone. Not him. He tried to talk to me a month later, but I told him to leave me alone. He was in my life for years, but never wanted to be my bf. Kind of stupid in my opinion. His reasons were.. I want to keep you as a friend, and he would come back when he was on a break with girls that would actually be his gfs. I never understood that. I wasted all that time on someone that never even wanted to be with me. I bought him presents. Took him to concerts and just wanted to be around him, just for him to never when make me his gf. I never had anger towards him after that, but I should of have. My last relationship before I was with S, was E. He was a summer fling, he left me because I was too serious and I wanted to be someone and he wanted to live paycheck to paycheck. I was too calm for him. All bullshit excuses. I cried for him some, got over him fast. I had other loves and crushes in between, but none of them became nothing because none of them ever took me seriously. At this point in my life, I feel happy to have gone through all of these experiences, but I didn’t deserve half ass lukewarm relationships or pretend relationships. I never gave myself to anyone willingly, other than for love, but all of them betrayed me. I had flings where these assholes would try things without asking me and forcing themselves on me. I hate these so they don’t deserve to be named or talked about. My current relationship or what is left of, is rocky and I sometimes feel like just being alone. I can’t deal with another man or relationship anymore. I wish one day I get my happy ending or love, cause where is he?? I am getting older, and I feel stuck..

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I haven’t written in a while but I’ve had so much time lately since I have not been working. It’s been a struggle and I feel like I’m back in time when I was broke and barely scraping by. I wouldn’t say it’s as bad.. but I hate it. I’ve been having the usual routine which is take the kids to school, get ready for work if it comes up, and also make sure the kids take lunches to school. I drop them off, and then it’s the same routine of walking Odin and Cleopatra at the park. Seems like a calm thing to do, it’s nice if you have money, but I don’t since I have not been working. So it’s kind of lame, and I’ve been having two days of crying. I rarely cry now, I use to cry so much when I was younger and all it did was make everything worse or stagnant. I don’t feel happy with my life in general. I feel useless if I can’t even get a job with a degree and experience. It’s kind of ridiculous and stupid. I feel like this world is based on what men want, and women are not helped unless they’re married and have someone. The world should not be like that. It’s unfair and old fashioned. How can someone succeed in a world that is made for men? Catered to them only? I’ve had an open third eye for a while already and I can read everything and everyone around me. I am so tired. I like where I live now, but it’s a struggle to pay rent. All I’ve been is good to people that have backstabbed me. I have never intentionally hurt ppl. But in return, people just keep hurting me for no reason. People in general are horrible. Honestly it’s been hard to find good people in this world. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but I’m able to be a dual person. I always give people benefit of the doubt and they never do the same for me. All those people that have hurt me, I hope you feel better with your life after that. I am angry. In the past, all I did was look for the love of my life and all the men i ever met hurt me, or left me. Everybody just played with my heart and even at this point, I’m still not married. I know I’m deserving of love and attention and to be on a pedestal. I shouldn’t have to beg a guy to love me. I shouldn’t have to chase someone and try to talk to people just for them to ignore me or not return phone calls. All of this is the same thing I went through when I was younger. I hate playing games. I hate men lately honestly. I’m in so much pain..

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I have not written on this for awhile. I’m really grateful and love my new place, but it’s a struggle to start over in a new place that is super expensive, and have to pay a big amount . It is especially harder when you’re raising a family. I understand that we make choices when we have children, but we are also raising a new generation of humans that are supposed to make a change in this world. I’ve been so irritated at the dad of my kids because no matter what I do, nothing makes him happy. I’m tired of trying to make things good so he’s happy, but I never see it the other way. As in, I never see him trying to make me happy. I understand how hard it is to be an adult in our times and to keep a family afloat, but I like to enjoy my life and try the least to complain or be upset at my pains and ordeals. I just like to be as positive as I can be and not be always worried about the bad and negative stuff in the world or in our everyday lives. I love my kids and my life. I don’t regret having them, but I do regret not being able to have a cooperative space and home. I just wish that I could be enough, but I feel like I’m never good enough for him or anyone else.

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So today, on my way to work, the dad of my kids decided to fight about how the refrigerator doesn’t cool and that it’s my fault. He never tends to think that stuff is material tends to break down in general. Usually anything that breaks down or messes up, usually ends up being blamed on me, when it’s usually not even my fault. He then decides to fight with me about the fact that I’m relaxing, even though I’m washing and helping with homework. He then decides to argue and tell me that the underwear I’m putting on my son doesn’t fit him and that he has bigger underwear.I usually always put this on him and he never says anything. He just tends to want to argue nonstop about anything: he also decided to argue about how the black mats in the bathroom are dirty and that I had to wash them. Anytime he does something, he doesn’t do anything for free. I do anything without repercussion and I only wish to be with someone that doesn’t need anything in return. I’m tired of seeing only a silver lining in people, when people don’t tend to see the same in me. I’m literally exhausted. All of these things are just literally normal in my life, but shouldn’t be normal. Normal people talk, they don’t fight or argue. Normal ppl don’t get angry and decide to lecture every time something happens. I’m tired of toxicity and toxic people. Can’t ppl just be normal?

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I’ve been feeling extremely sick for a couple of days. I thought it was COVID but I tested me and my kids and we don’t have it. I’m back at work but I don’t feel well to be at work. I have to be at work so I can get paid since I don’t even have paid time off right now and I hate where I’m working right now. I sometimes feel like people are trying to not help me at work. They leave me by myself most of the time so I wonder why they do that. Today I took my lunch outside of class and sat in the mpr with some lady that usually works in the hallway. She said she wanted to send me information for buying a house. I just thought it was weird she asked me for my phone number. I honestly don’t trust any people around me. I just hope she’s not trying to do something shady. There’s also some young guy here today in my classroom. I wonder if that’s the guy they’re trying to link me with. At this point, I feel like all of these people around me are trying to frame me, but I still don’t know why. I will not stand for that anymore.

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I’m writing here again. I barely started working at a new job and it already feels shitty. I’m supposed to be working in a lead position and they have me working as BT. I don’t even have experience in that. I just teach. That’s what I’m good at. I’m not happy and at my last job they just bullied and harassed me horribly. They played mental games. Telling me to leave early when I wasn’t suppose to. Excluding me from meetings. Not even trying to train me. I feel really mad at people and at the world at how evil and vile people can be. I’m also dealing with my kids dad that decided to get mad at me literally one week after working. Getting mad at me cause I don’t have money. How am I suppose to pay my bills with no paycheck? When I barely started working. I do not need someone that doesn’t understand me or treat me right when things get hard. I always try to be there for people no matter how many mistakes they make and how much they try to hurt me. I’m tired.

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I haven’t written in a long time.. but it’s kind of hard not to write about what’s been happening in my life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m always the problem in all situations. I’ve always tried to see other people’s perspectives and try to give people the time of day, but I feel like people never really care or feel the same way as I do. I’m talking in general, but I also have issues with the dad of my kids. I feel like he tries to make things work, but I don’t think he really wants something when two days after going out for Valentine’s Day, I come home to him being mad that my puppy threw the flowers off my desk, which in reality were never on my desk to begin with. I know he moved the flowers, but he can’t even accept that he moved them the day before. He made a big deal about the flowers, instead of cleaning up, or just not being mad about it. He proceeded to go buy food for the kids, and not for me. I had to buy my own food. In any situation, I would never not offer food, regardless of what is happening. I don’t hold grudges, no matter if I’m mad or not. He also then proceeded to be mad at my puppy, because he destroyed the flowers. He decided he wasn’t going to allow him to sleep on the bed or get on top of the couch. I’m so tired of living in someone’s shadow, or being scared every time I hear a sound or being scared of him throwing stuff. I live in a constant rollercoaster feeling that leaves me to not feel happy or safe, unless he’s in a good mood. I’ve lived like this for 10 years already and it’s caused me to not trust anyone and or feel like everybody is out to get me. I’ve been holding on like this because of my kids. I grew up in a healthy household with two parents that loved us and never really fought in front of us, so this type of endless agony is not something I’m used to.

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Kid-free hour

So, update. As of my last blog entry I have been able to muy kids into pre-school/daycare for the first time. THere are no words to describe the excitement and joy of being alone. The only thing better than a peaceful shower in which I actually have time to wash myself slowly instead of in a hurry like I usually have to. I’m able to comb my hair and also do my makeup which is something i have missed sorely. In an ideal world mom’s would have help from the proverbial “village” or community. If they had access to an environment where food, shelter, are secure an abundant then this world would create gentler people. But i digress, instead let me just say that for most mom’s its not the actual time spent with kids that is stressful, rather it is the time spent with kids in the midst of working, securing food, healthcare, and shelter. So that is how i feel, i rejoice in the moments of quiet away from my kids because then I can focus on the other side of the game/struggle/life , the hustle and flow of being a poor or working poor mom.

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The Myth of Sleep Training

Lets say this.. I am not an expert in any way so maybe you don't want to listen to my advice. Yes, there are many sleep gurus out there that guarantee you your baby will be able to sleep in a routine like way, but one thing is for certain.. it does not work for all babies or toddlers for that fact. I thought i had it all figured out with my twin girls. i had them sleeping thru the night at around 5 months. they would sleep always twice a day and once at night but never exactly at the same time. Once my girls were past 2 years old there was no way for me to make them sleep. I had to put major effort to get them to sleep. I had to sit with them and wait for them to go to sleep. I would do it, but once my new son Leonidas came into the picture that ended. My baby Leonidas is currently maybe sleeping like once a day and at night but will still wake up to breastfeed. Still have not been able to get him to sleep thru the night. I basically breast sleep which means i breastfeed and sleep with him at the same time. This works for me because I'm a very tired mommy. 

One thing I can say that i hate about sleep training is that some methods that some mothers try do not benefit baby. One thing I notice a lot of mothers do is wake up baby during their nap times so they can sleep thru the night. I believe this does not allow for the babies brain to grow appropriately and makes for a fussy and very hungry baby. 

The other method I do not think is beneficial to baby is letting your baby cry it out. This is considered wrong and abusive because baby may need a lot of things when he's crying it out.. like umm milk.. first thing to consider.. umm diaper change? pooped or peed? who knows but its very important to check your baby is not soiled. Sick? maybe if he cries for a long time regardless of what you do? Colic? Needs momma’s reassuring hug? also a very good reason why baby won't go to sleep. You cannot.. I repeat.. CANNOT spoil your baby by holding him/her. Babies need reassurance and love to grow. It is in the baby’s best interest to be held and to know that they're loved. This makes baby become into a positive happy person once they have grown. 

My next blog will be about my breastfeeding experience with my son Leonidas and how it has shaped my bond with him. 

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Pet Peeve in Feeding

I don’t know what it is.. but every time I’m on mommy mode with a baby that still relies on bottle formula or breast milk or pumped milk or however you feed your babies. It totally frustrates me and it gives me anxiety to see babies that are hungry and their parents won’t feed them. I know that I’m not one to judge cause I’m not perfect but this totally irks me. When I see a baby that is hungry, putting their hands in their mouth and or anxious I just want to take the baby and feed him/her myself. Maybe you guys think I’m crazy.. cause I always make sure my baby is not hungry..AT ALL TIMES.. but I know babies can’t talk to say.. mom I’m hungry.. I see them as defenseless so I feel for them.. I guess being that I’ve always been the underdog. And no.. Binkies or pacifiers or dummy’s. However you call them are not to be given to a baby under 6 months.. yes they can be used for soothing but most likely they just want to eat. If a baby is spitting up the binky.. THEY WANT TO EAT! Please do not force it on him to let him/her go to sleep on empty air..

No. The baby does not have to be on a feeding schedule. First, ask yourself? Are you on one? Or do you eat whenever you’re hungry? Most likely you answered yes to the second question. Babies are the same. The only most important food for a baby under 1 year old is Formula or Breastmilk. Not cereal in a bottle. Not baby food or baby cereals. Yes. They’re suppose to start eating this once they’re 6 months. But no, they are not the main nutrition they need. For those parents that think babies go on a schedule talk to a doctor about something called growth spurts.. They happen the first days when they’re born. First week, second/third week, four to six weeks, three months, four months, six months, and nine months. And no, this is not a fixed schedule. Some babies eat more than others.

I’m a strong supporter of breastfeeding, but I also formula fed my twins so no judgment here. Fed is best and a chubby baby is a happy baby.

On my next blog.. I will talk about the myth of sleep training..

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First official post

Hi! I would love to introduce myself. I am a currently a SAHM with 3 crazy, but beautiful children. Two identical twin girls that were born in November 2013 and a baby boy that was born in January of this year. I always imagined that having multiple kids like my mom would be awesome because she made it look so easy, but I definitely was not prepared for how hard it would be.

I can still remember vividly the times when I was in elementary school and my second grade teacher Ms. Adams asked us to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew myself as a mom with kids and a home and she told me that being a SAHM was not a career. I made a sad face because I thought being a SAHM was awesome because of what I saw my mother do at home.. but then again what would I know?? I was only eight years old.

Now Fast Forward a couple of decades later when I find myself being a SAHM but not by choice. I ended up becoming pregnant in March of 2013 when I was about to graduate from UCR. For those that don’t know.. that’s the University of California in Riverside, CA. I ended up graduating in June 2013 with a Bachelor of Science in Anthropology, only to not be able to do anything about it because I never did field school for my passion which is Archaeology. But my struggle to get a job is not that. It’s how hard it is to get quality daycare for my kids that is not expensive. I have to literally make 4000 a month starting to go back to work. It’s about 2000 a month for all my 3 kids to go to daycare. So yeah. Reason why I can’t go to work until at least my twins go to school full time. There are programs. But with a lot of ifs, buts. And blah blah.. you don’t qualify because you make too much combined income with your partner.. but guess what?? He has to pay the bills. So yeah.. basically the system keeps me poor at home. Well anyways.. enough of that. The point of this blog is to show ppl my perspective as a SAHM with limited resources. I see a lot of women making blogs that are SAHM but I will try to show my perspective with no support in my household. That being free or paid help. Yes. My partner helps me. But hey.. he works to feed our asses so that leaves me to fend for myself for approximately 10 plus hours per day. So yeah. This is my crazy life. I welcome you! Hope you enjoy my upcoming blogs! My next topic will be about my annoyance about baby bottle or breastfeeding. Please check it out!