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I know I'm late but the August 1st entry in Dracula Daily and Re: Dracula is so funny to me bc it's basically;

Captain of The Demeter: It's so over.

Mina and Lucy: We are so back.

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recently came across some plates and bowls that would be perfect for a children's hospital

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when you’re out at a restaurant or a coffee shop or a target or whatever with your friends and you overhear/eavesdrop the same snippet of some stranger’s conversation, and you look at each other for a second to check that you both heard this stranger say the same weird/funny/baffling thing and just break out in knowing grins and quiet laughter… that’s a love language

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when you reach a certain level of fame and fortunes as myself, your flop posts go from 2 note flops to the illustrious 15 note flops

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"I love you but you're doing wrong in a way I cannot condone" and "I hate you but you're being wronged in a way I cannot stomach" are top tier and I need more of them.

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yeah.

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Shopping for birthday cards is like. Here are the only available flavors of card:

1. You’re old and ugly and we all hate you. This is supposed to be funny and endearing somehow. Who gives this as a card to someone they care about

2. Lmao we should go fuck some people. Party, right?

3. Go drink literally drink so much. Alcholismmmmmm

4. I value your friendship so much and I love you forever. There is only one person in your life who this card is correct for. oh you’re looking for a card for your coworker? Oops

5. This is deeply offensive. Haha

6. Hello Acquaintance. I Hope You Enjoy A Pleasant Celebration of Birth. Corporate Approved Best Wishes. Written with the assistance of ChatGPT™️

7. This cardstock fold is $15

8. Happy 5th birthday!!!

9. We love you mom :-)

And you’re standing in the card isle looking for a card for a coworker slowly losing your mind because NONE OF THESE ARE EVEN VAGUELY APPROPRIATE

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I do enjoy modern complex character driven stories as much as the next guy but I do think that the masses yearn for the simplicity of a guy standing on stage and going “Oh no! I am being eaten by a giant snake because of my hubris!” and then he gets pulled off stage by a guy in a snake mask.

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My parents: Are you like, trying to start beef with people/us?

Me: Not quite. I'm throwing out the controversial stuff now so I know what safe topics are. I will take AI usage off the list and you should too.

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fast food managers I know you love your fancy menu screens but please just put everything up there at once. literally no one wants to be halfway through reading the name of a sandwich and have the whole screen do a powerpoint animation to the coffee menu

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There are two kinds of people at national parks. Gay people and homophobes.

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He singlehandedly ended generational trauma right there

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she literally just says whatever

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Juniper: Your tall dragon friend. I don't know what I expected. But. He's kind of... not cool.

Me: Yeah? What, you thought I bagged someone cool? Do you know me?????

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thoughts while watching Pride & Prejudice 2005:

Bingley’s hair could rival that of a member of One Direction

I suppose in a way he was the original Harry Styles

Mrs. Bennet WOULD sell her daughters to One Direction