unsentlettersofanintrovert

[unsentlettersofanintrovert]

To My Ex Best Friend Who I Thought Would Always Be There For Me,

I guess I gave you too much credit. You seemed so perfect. For 4 years I thought we were the friendship to beat, the partners in crime that everyone wanted to be. For 4 years I thought there was no one better on this earth than you. I was ready to move across the country for you because I thought you were going to save me from my abusive home. I mean, you really did make yourself seem incredible. We liked the same bands, the same fandoms, the same...well, everything. We were two peas in a pod, an inseparable duo, there wasn’t a stronger pair on this planet. I guess I should have known that I was painting you in too perfect a light. I even called you a saint, but I was giving you too much credit. I put you on a pedestal that you didn’t deserve to be on and it hurts, even now, to admit that.

It’s been almost a month now since I sent that text that ended our friendship and I wonder if you know how hard that was for me to do. I’m not usually the one to end a friendship, especially one that strong ad that long. I’m usually the one clinging to a friendship that’s dying or is already dead. This time though, this time I saw the cracks start to spiderweb across our friendship until finally, it shattered. For the first time I saw what you could not see. I saw that there was no fixing what had been done, the pieces were too small and I was so sick of being cut and bleeding because I was trying to piece our friendship back together. I saw it all and in the beginning, I did desperately try to find a way to salvage what we had, though you never believed I did. Could you not see my blood and tears on the pieces I had so desperately tried to superglue together? Or were you blind to the pain I was putting myself through? You use to be so good at noticing when I was in pain. What happened to you? What changed you? Who told you that being so harsh and not understanding was self care? They lied to you, I wonder if you realize that now that I’m gone or if you still think that I was in the wrong.

You really did change and for 4 out of the 5 years I knew you, it was all for the better. You became stronger and you learned how to beat your anxiety and depression, you said I helped you realize that you could beat it. You said I was a big part as to why you got better and as much as I don’t like you anymore I hope you didn’t lose that strength. You still deserve to be happy. I’m not as “malevolent” as you said I was the night before I ended our friendship, I never have been and I’m still quite hurt that you saw my self care that way. This past year has been different. You’ve become less of the girl I’ve gotten so close with. You were harsh and cruel and yes, abusive. I wonder if you knew that’s how you were acting. You’d snap at me when I apologized and demand that I talk to you when YOU were ready to talk, not when I was. I complied and did so when I should have demanded the respect I deserved, but you knew I wouldn’t do that didn’t you? You took advantage of that. You pressured me, you tried to make me feel guilty for something that wasn’t my fault, not in the slightest. You made the 5 months leading up to the end of our friendship far more difficult than they needed to be.  you even suggested that the “problem” you had with me was more important than the last semester of college for me. How could you do that to me? I wonder if you know how unfair you were being, how much you made me afraid to even say hi to you, the one person who used to make me happy whenever you texted me. You never expected me to stand up for myself did you? Never expected me to stand my ground and demand the space I needed, to demand the respect I deserved. No. You were too busy demanding your way. That’s too bad, it’s a shame that you didn’t see what you were doing to me.

You still haunt my thoughts. Not every day like in the beginning, but almost every day. You used to mean the world to me, now you’re the one tearing my world apart. My mind is stuck on all of the good times, the times where you made my world feel like it was in technicolor as opposed to the black and white I’m living in now. My mind is screaming at me that maybe I made a mistake ending the friendship when in reality I know it was the only decision I had. You made me feel guilty for taking care f myself and I couldn’t live like that. You taught me that I was worth more than that, though you probably never thought I’d use your own advice against you now did you? I’m so sick of you twisting my brain and wrapping my world apart. 

You ruined me. You ripped open my trust issues wide open and drove me insane. I’m so scared to trust people now. You’re the second “best friend” who left me no choice but to end the friendship. I wonder now if I’ll ever trust anyone enough to call them a best friend anymore. I’m constantly on edge, constantly afraid that someone is going to tear a piece of me away and keep it. I don’t know if I can afford anyone taking more of me with them. I don’t know who I am anymore. Do you know how scary that is? I don’t know who I am anymore because I gave you too much of myself. I’m trying so hard to take that piece of me back from you. It doesn’t belong to you anymore. I don’t belong to you anymore. I know I should feel free but instead...instead I feel shattered. I can't wait for the cracks you formed to be filled with gold but for now, for now I will do my best to piece myself back together and find peace in my loneliness. 

Sincerely,

The girl you shattered.