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a phatetic diary written by a trying-to-get-better person

i don’t know why is it just me or my sister always bring the negative vibes everytime she’s around me

idk she always judge me , even tho she doesn’t know what my problem is

and i 100% know about that,but i don’t know she always said something that just keeping me down and not getting better.

for example,she said to me i’m skinny when literally my bmi is a sign that i was overweight

and everytime i told her to fix something wrong that she did,the first thing that she did isn’t fixing her problem instead she’s telling me to fix my problem and end up telling it to my mom...

omg what a beautiful life i had

and i think the only way to be better is get rid of her

and no,im not thinking about some crazy things to do to her, lol im not a psycho

it just i doesn’t wanna have a contact with her,and just doesn’t listen to what she said and i will look it up on online how to get rid of toxic people in life

cheers,Naj.

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TO MY FUTURE SELF (ALSO MY ABOUT-TO-BINGE SELF)

 Hei, actually i didn’t really wanna write this kind of article but this is my last option and i’m ready to not doing any diet so yea lets get started

Dear my future self,i just wanna told you that this is my after-binge self, and i feel like shit because i’m out of control,i gained 12 kg since 7th grade,i don’t have any boyfriend because of this binge eating,actually 75% bc binge eating and 25% because of my behaviour so yeah but like if i get rid of binge eating i still have whole lotta chance to start living. i mean i wanna start highschool with hot body,pretty face i dont wanna look like a pregnant pig.

and btw you’re after-binge self is sooo fucking miserable and i hope u dont binge because its ruining your life.

fuck diet,fuck your crush just stop binge ok?

can you imagine if i dont binge since probably 3 years ago i probably weighed 50 kg and have a boyfriend and extra confident.. but now im sadly 59 kg and feel like shit i just wanna die but i can’t i dont wanna be like this forever but i cant handle this 

GOD HELP ME

Now i have stretch mark all over my body,giant calves and big hand just like a giant clash of clan

i just can’t do this:(

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STARTED AF (SUNDAY NOVEMBER 12TH 2017)

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MEAL PLAN THIS WEEK

*MACROS:

-1000 CALORIES

- 27 GRAMS FIBER A DAY (9 GRAMS EACH MEAL)

- 45 GRAMS PROTEIN A DAY (15 GRAMS EACH DAY)

*BREAKFAST:

-1 MEDIUM APPLE (100 kcal,4.4 gr fiber, 0.5 gr protein)

-ULTRA MILK LOW FAT HIGH CALCIUM + 4 TBSP OATMEAL (250 kcal,3 gr fiber,12 gr protein)

*LUNCH:

- 2 SLICES SARI ROTI GANDUM ( 190 kcal,6 gr fiber,6 gr protein)

-1 egg + 2 egg whites + 2 tbsp oatmeal  ( 200 kcal,1.5 gr fiber,14.7 gr protein)

*DINNER:

-2 boiled potato + 3 egg whites

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TRYING IIFYM

SOOO EXCITED, CAN’T WAIT TO MAKE MEAL PLAN SOON!!!

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starting the potato diet!!!

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October 30th 2017

IM STARTING POTATO DIET AFTER GIVING UP AND GET BACK FOR 100000X TIMES, WISH ME LUCK!!!

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0ctober 10th,2017

guess what? im starting all over again!! lol 

so today i’m really trying to be positive !

and one more thing..

i’m giving up on my crush now..

i think i put too much pressure on myself bc i have to lose weight,be pretty,be kind,study hard,dll...

yeah, that’s it i think i just need to forget about him...

so easy right? :))

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OCTOBER

ok,just like i said im not gonna giving up,and today is october,a fresh start for me! good luck!

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Wednesday,Sept 20th 2017

Hei! just wanna say that i’m still trying to stop my binge eating until now because i don’t wanna give up on things quickly:)

soo i’m not feeling good today...

i’m trying to be positive,but the vibe’s negative... 

soo it’s so freaking’ hard...

and i kinda started liking someone but i think he started to go away from me,and i know it sound pessimist,but i mean... Nvm,things like that already happening to me for many times...

idk i just feel like i need someone to save me but no one’s heroic... and again,i gotta reminds myself the only one who can save me is me....

so yeah...

it feel like my life ain’t mine,GOD IT MUST FEEL GOOD IF YOU CAN JUST DIE AND GOING TO HEAVEN AND DIDN’T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING....

but maybe,just maybe god makes me through all of this to making me a better person,and i deserves someone who is better and really good for me in the future,AMIN.

And i kinda reminded by a quotes in “The Edge Of Seventeen” movies,one of the best movie i’ve ever watch:

“Nadine: You know, ever since we were little, I would get this feeling like... Like I'm floating outside of my body, looking down at myself... And I hate what I see... How I'm acting, the way I sound. And I don't know how to change it. And I'm so scared... That the feeling is never gonna go away.”

and i just kept listening to “Logic - 1-800-273-8255 ft. Alessia Cara, Khalid” probably the only song that made me cry and motivated me..

i mean,i always have the thoughts of “I WANNA DIE” but i’d never had the thoughts of “I WANNA BE ALIVE” and that songs it really wakes me up..

BTW, the best part of the songs is Khalid’s part , so here it is:

   Pain don't hurt the same, I know The lane I travel feels alone But I'm moving 'til my legs give out And I see my tears melt in the snow But I don't wanna cry I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore

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Life sucks

Tried everything for recover for the past 1 year and nothing worked... Life sucks Oh god why

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Saturday, August 26th 2017

first of all,in 5 years i’ll probably will came to my tumblr page and just feel stupid and dumb because i’m writing this useless,unlogical,hopeless and desperate diary.

Ok, so this is me feeling giving up all of the things that i’ve tried to made me love myself and if i’m writing this, of course i’m failed..

ik this should be titled “im tired” , but i’ve decided to just made myself a diary blog or whatever this is. So this is my poem called “I’M TIRED” . 

Hey my older,lovely,skinny,organize,good future,happy and pretty self in the future,hope you’ll feel better after you read this 100% problematic and toxic poem,but let’s be honest this is not even a poem , lol . So here it is:

“ I’M TIRED “

I’m tired of keep binging on all my food and feel bad about it,but keep doing it..... 

I’m tired of seeing my weight gaining every week....                                               

I’m tired of hating myself for all the stupid thing that i’ve done in the past....         

i’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror and feel disgusted......                               

I’m tired for comparing myself to others.....                                                             

I’m tired of counting calories on every food that i’ll eat....                                   

I’m tired for letting people hurt my feelings and just giving them a fake smile... 

I’m tired of pretty much all the things that happening in my life....

so there it is,you should giving me an applause for that  100% problematic and toxic poem......

Kbye!

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FAILED AF

JUST  STARTED DAY  2 AND TODAY IS EID AND THERE’S SO MANY DELICIOUS FOOD AND....

YOU KNOW...

I’VE FAILED! I PROBABLY ALREADY EAT 5000 KCAL I’M SO FRUSTATED I NEED TO GO HOME 

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End of First day.

just finished the first day and i feel kinda hungry tho. i’m gonna change a lil’ bit of my routine.

i’m not gonna do 1500  jumping jacks because i couldn’t verified if it will really burn 500 calories,instead i’m gonna search workout on youtube. and workout 3-4 times a week.

tomorrow is eid,i’m gonna try to eat a little as i could.

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First day started.

This is the first day of my journey,actually not really. i’ve failed on many diet and  its really frustating. my plan is eating 500 calories a day and burn 500 calories a day. i can’t start my workout until the next 2 days so it’s sucks.

After i’d go home,my diet plan is :

- Morning : 1 cup unsweetened black coffee + 2 boiled egg white = 36 Calories

-Afternoon : 7 cups of air-popped popcorn = 217 Calories

-Night :7 Cups of air-popped popcorn = 217 Calories

Total = 470 Calories

and doing 1500 jumping jacks everyday .

Morning = 500,Afternoon = 500,night = 500.

but now i’m not at my house,so now i can just restricted my calories and workout in the next 2 days.

well i wish myself a lot of luck!