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Scorpio Moon

You asked how my weekend was because you didn’t know. You didn’t know I was anxious about my connection to you. You didn’t know that the moon was in Scorpio. You didn’t know I was heading on a depressive swing. You didn’t know that Scorpio and Pisces were both water signs. You didn’t know that I was hormonal. You didn’t know that I would be listening to music that would rip open healed wounds.…

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20202209

I’m living in a shall fa��ade – a fragile glass bubble that could shatter at any given moment. Each day is a precarious teeter between flying high with a faked and manic smile and running rampant through the wreckage of the wasteland of trauma and self loathing strewn about my brain. I’m getting whiplash from the body dysmorphia and self-image/self-esteem crisis. It’s like my mind can’t decided if…

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VAMP

My name is not Cadence – it is Charlie. You see the little girl you raised with cascading golden ringlets and brilliant, innocent smile. You see me as you once knew me, but I’m no longer that charming girl. You’ve been so absent from my life that you no longer see me. You’ve clung so tightly to the memory of your darling little girl that you’re suffocating any chance you had of knowing me at all.…

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20182307

I look in the mirror and I look at my life, and I can honestly say I no longer recognize myself. My eyes no longer shimmer with hope for coming days. My mind it dwindles slowly – seeping beyond into sullen haze. My passion no longer lingers nor drips rom words unspoken; left in its abandoned wake cries a grey and jaded babe. I am not myself, you see, nor have I been for quite some time. I thought…

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20182612

Give me the space to cry and die – feel and heal on my own. To hear the winds whisper ancient secrets of love and peace and know that no flaw I find can extinguish my beauty and value. To know that no number below my feet can make me any less than I am. To breathe wholly and thoroughly into every electron in my body and believe that I am more. To be me without fear of intruding on you. No prior…

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20191001 Epicaricacy

Every time I circle, your judgment hangs tighter round my neck

Pleading and begging and lusting and pining for new turn of events

Indulge me, elate me, consume me, berate me

Call me by name and take me as only

Around and around and around just thrice more

Repeat and keep breathing; heart beating galore

Incise and despise through qualms of the skin

Cast out of the flesh and…

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The Whale 20162606

I’m trapped and it’s lonely. It’s dark and it’s cold. I thought I was beyond this, but here comes the past tromping on everything I worked for – all the progress I’ve made, all the healing that was done gone in a last breath, gone with the snap of your neck, gone with the bottle upon bottles of poison and pills you happily throw at your body. No thought for tomorrow, no thought for me, no thought…

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20191510 It Kills Me

20191510 It Kills Me

It kills me that there are things about myself that I feel like I will never be able to tell you. It kills me that there’s parts of me I’m suffocating and repressing because I feel like they’ll anger you or you’ll resent them. it kills me that there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head pointing out all the flaws in our relationship and all the red flags and triggers no matter how small. It…

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20191107 The Midas Touch

20191107 The Midas Touch

There’s these gaping cracks inside of me. You left them when you left me abused, abandoned, and afraid. I’m broken now and as hard as I fucking try, I simply can’t put me back together. I’ve moved halfway across the country just to get away from any reminder of your presence in my life, yet still you come creeping back – haunting shadows in my mind. I’m tired and I’m jaded of running circles…

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Pisces Moon

You once asked me what would happen if I let my Pisces moon off its leash. I told you that allowing my emotions to run rampant with the intensity at which I experience them would cause such havoc in my life. What I didn’t tell you is all the damage it would do to my relationships. You wanted to see more emotion from my cold, controlled exterior, but I knew you weren’t ready to know that I fell…

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Racing & Degrading Thoughts of Perfection

Some days are easier than others. There’s days when I can handle my racing and degrading thoughts, but there are days when I’m just too much to handle on my own. It’s during the latter when I could really use you. You seem to see something in me that I don’t – can’t, honestly – see in myself. It’s days like today – when I’m tripping over my thoughts, scrambling for the last shred of light in my…

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I Love You and I’m Sorry

I love you, and I’m sorry it didn’t show tonight. I’m sorry you perceived my behavior in a manner that frustrated you – that was never my intention, believe me. I’m sorry there has been miscommunication and misunderstanding. I’m sorry we were both hurt tonight and the conversation turned into a corrosive carousel that felt one side and wouldn’t let up. I’m sorry I first jump to defend my…

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Cariño, please

It’s three in the morning and I’m laying here thinking of all the ways I’ve let you down and disappointed you, but here’s the biggest disappointment: it’s absolutely nothing new to me – they’re all the same behaviors from before. I know I want this time to be different, and I want to be better for you – to be everything you’ve ever wanted and ever needed – but apparently I can’t be anything more…

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Being Invisible

So I’m invisible again. It’s not fun. So many people know my name, yet none of them look my way. It’s astonishing how daft and rude people can be. The way they just allow people to walk by them without even a polite hello is just mind blowing. This generation of people are just so rude and demanding that if they were born even a decade earlier, they would have been ostracized the way I am.…

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Banished

There’s these gaping cracks inside of me. You left them when you left me abused, abandoned, and afraid. I’m broken now and as hard as I fucking try I simply can’t put me back together. I’ve moved halfway across the country just to get away from any reminder of your presence in my life, yet still you come creeping back – haunting shadows in my mind. I’m tired and I’m jaded of running circles…

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Binary boxes

I’m struggling to live in the binary box the world has laid out before me. I swing and I fight to push out of these walls but not even bricks fall at my feet. Each day is a battle between living an authentic life and living a life less bothered by the varying degrees of homophobia ever present all around me.

I’m not your daughter. Please don’t call me ma’am. Don’t address me as girl or her. It’s…

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The Game We Play

The Game We Play

This is the game we play. The back and forth and in between. The around the bush and tiptoeing about never seem to cease. Don’t mention this; don’t tell them that. All this modifying of truth leaves the score completely wack.

So this is the game we play. Each year builds on the last. Hiding habits and shading stories, my mind begins to crack. This outlasting stress can not give way to clear,…