uselessmagicspells

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Boomstick (6th-Level Transmutation): On casting this spell, any weapon of the caster’s choice gains an explosive damage bonus. On the next hit, the weapon will deal a bonus 4D8 damage...

...to everything around the wielder. The weapon is also immediately destroyed. Can’t really keep using a weapon if it blew up.

hmmm

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Summon the Destroyer (Epic Conjuration): From the shrieking abyss of the Min’yahns, this spell calls forth a terrible presence to serve its master’s bidding, crushing all in its path.

Well, crushing their emotions, anyway.

The presence doesn’t really do any physical harm, but boy howdy just seeing this thing will fill anyone with dread.

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Fortress of Soapitude (7th-Level Abjuration): This spell summons a mighty shield to cocoon the caster’s body, made entirely of bubbles. Reduces damage from all sources by 1 point for 1 hour.

Also cleans the caster a bit. Hey, everyone knows cleanliness is next to wizardliness.

hmmm

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Was That Your Card? (1st-Level Enchantment): This spell makes it appear as though one palm-sized object has vanished. Any observers must succeed an Intelligence saving throw or they are utterly bamboozled.

Weirdly, many thieves have a knack for this spell.

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Festive Flash (5th-Level Transumation): This spell wraps any target of the caster’s choosing in blinking lights for up to one hour. During this time, all attacks against the enlightened target have disadvantage.

Of course, using this spell outside of the winter season will cause the target to be ridiculed by everyone they meet. Who puts up lights like that in the summer?

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Knob of Needles (2nd-Level Transmutation): This cunning spell allows the user to change any doorknob of their choice into a prickly cactus. Anyone who attempts to open the door suffers 1D4 piercing damage.

...of course, they could just climb in a window or something...

hmmm

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And You’re The Dirty Rascal (5th-Level Enchantment): On a successful cast, this spell fills any target with a grandiose sense of self-importance. They will attempt to claim any and all positions of power.

While this usually leads to trouble, some are surprisingly well-suited to leadership.

hmmm

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Shield of Humiliation (8th-Level Abjuration): This spell creates an invisible ward around the caster. It offers little protection, but any harmful entity that passes through it looks like a total goof. It’s surprisingly discouraging.

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Summon Weird Bricks (4th-Level Conjuration): On casting, this spell summons a pile of odd bricks for the caster’s use. They’re not very heavy and make poor building material, but the can still be thrown for some solid damage.

Some people refer to this spell as “Retrieve Books,” whatever the heck that means.

day 5: books

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A Splash of Fury (6th-Level Transmutation): Imbues any point of water with seething anger, which it expresses with countless rage-filled bubbles. Sure to take unsuspecting sippers by surprise.

This spell is also known as Mad Moisture, Angry Aqua, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sparkling Water!

Attacked by sparkling water.

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Tactical Fingerguns (1st-Level Transmutation): This spell allows the caster to perform much more accurate fingerguns, really letting pals know how cool and relaxed they are.

This spell may also be cast at 5th-Level as Double Tactical Fingerguns, allowing casters to use both hands and look exponentially cooler.

hmmm

[uselessmagicspells]

Maximized Flavored Water (7th-Level Transmutation): This spell allows the caster to imbue any water source with one pure flavor.

And I mean pure. Like, you might as well just be drinking a cucumber or chocolate bar or whatever. It’s straight-up nasty.

using my resources to dump a inordinate amount of cucumber, into the water supply. i am talking 1:1 ratio. they will thank me once the subtle flavor kicks in

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Clean Your Mouth (2nd-Level Enchantment): This spell allows the caster to wash out the mouth of any target, preventing them from cursing (insults and spells) for up to 8 hours. 

Also leaves a soapy aftertaste, which is just adding insult to injury.

hmmm

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Three spell prompts in one, if that's alright! 1) beevocation, 2) brownies (both the fae and the snack), and 3) the number seventeen. Your account is so cool, I love slipping the spells into my games!!

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Snowstilts (2nd-Level Transmutation): On casting, this spell allows one target to move unhindered* through any rough terrain for up to 12 hours. They also receive half damage from earth-element attacks.

*Their movement speed, however, is reduced to 2ft/round. Hey, you try sprinting on those things.

[uselessmagicspells]

Instant LaCroix (3rd-Level Transmutation): This spell instantly transforms any source of still water into a crisp LaCroix.

This doesn’t change how clean, potable, or appealing it is, but... is that the faintest hint of lemon? Strawberry, maybe?

hmmm

[uselessmagicspells]

The Gift of Gravity (3rd-Level Transmutation): This powerful spell instantly transforms run-of-the-mill normal glass into an astounding new form— broken glass. It may only be cast by wizards with an Intelligence of 4 or less (or the butterfingered).

Just heard a customer two aisles over go “Hey, I think this is that special glass that doesn’t shatter when you drop it” followed by the sound of shattering glass. I hate retail.