vadasmaker

[vadasmaker]

Getting old is hard to do. Really.

My lament for the last six months has been, “People ignore me because I’m old.” I thought being invisible was the worst part of aging.  It’s not. You know what the worst is? The worst is when you go to Walmart to buy a bottle of wine (I just love saying that). So, you go to Walmart to buy a bottle of wine, because, you know, you can. And you go to check out and the cashier says, “Are you over…

[vadasmaker]

Earl's Eye

Earl’s Eye

Okay. So here’s what happened. Monday, Earl (the Corgi puppy) got something in his eye and has been squinty ever since. I also got a smoker. The two should have nothing to do with one another but wait. Also, don’t worry about the smoker. It’s not like cooking, which we all know I can’t do without an incident—or a shrimpcident, as I like to say. It is too a word. I just said it didn’t I? I’m…

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FunnyPictures

Laughed till I peed.

[vadasmaker]

Go toward the light, y'all

Go toward the light, y’all

I can’t remember if I’ve already published this. I know I haven’t written much since November of 2016. What I like to write is funny, and it’s been super hard to find anything funny about the last 4 years.

Figure it out for yourself because I’m not letting that narcissistic prick’s name pass my lips. Or my keyboard. Whatever.

But.  I’ve been thinking a lot about funerals. Funerals in general, and…

[vadasmaker]

Getting old is hard. Really.

Getting old is hard. Really.

My lament for the last six months has been, “People ignore me because I’m old.” I thought being invisible was the worst part of aging.  It’s not.

You know what the worst is? The worst is when you go to Walmart to buy a bottle of wine (I just love saying that). So, you go to Walmart to buy a bottle of wine, because, you know, you can. And you go to check out and the cashier says, “Are you over 40?”

[vadasmaker]

This is how you grieve

This is how you grieve

This is how you grieve.

When you get the call, you know it’s bad before you answer, because nobody calls you at 7:30 in the morning. But you answer because you can’t think of any rational way to avoid it. When you hear the news, you come as near to throwing up as you have in the last 35 years, and you hang up and dig for the stale crackers you know are in your desk drawer.

Staring blankly at your…

[vadasmaker]

All I wanted was a little amusement

All I wanted was a little amusement

Why am I always so confused? Really. I need to know, especially since it’s just gotten worse in the last year and a half or so. I’m so discombobulated that I may have already posted this blog. If I did and you happened to have read it, please be so kind as to keep it to yourself. Everything below is ongoing, people. It’s never going to disappear.

For instance, everybody knows about the alleged…

[vadasmaker]

Why going postal is an actual thing

Here’s what happens when you try to have your mail held.

You go to the Web address of the US Postal Service. You click on ��Hold Mail.” Every browser you try says it’s a malware threat and refuses to connect. You adjust the settings. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

You call the number indicated on the Web page. You get a robot. She wants your zip. You give it to her.

She wants your address. You give it to her.

[vadasmaker]

Chipped

So, it’s the day before Thanksgiving. I’m sitting on the couch in a murderous mood, stewing because my insurance company had denied coverage of the back surgery I was supposed to have Dec. 15. The phone rings, and it’s my car insurance. I got a new car two weeks ago, and last Thursday Jim backed it into a garbage truck. I know, right? What is it with him and garbage trucks? I had gotten an…

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I know stuff. Really.

I know stuff. Really.

I know a lot of stuff. You may counter this with things like, I don’t know, the time I blew myself off the porch. I know you remember it. I’ve told that story so many times that people I’ve never met have heard it. Clearly, there was a time when not knowing things didn’t bother me.

That particular incident happened somewhere around 1988. I was going to TCC, then known as TJC, and the career…

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How not to change a flat tire

How not to change a flat tire

So I’m just driving along, thinking about whatever it is I think about when I’m not worrying about something specific. Suddenly, I notice my tire is flat.

I know that because 1) the little low-tire-pressure light came on, 2) the highway is suddenly all bumpy, and 3) people are waving at me. Not like they like me. Like they think I’m so stupid I don’t realize my tire is flat. Which has, in fact,…

[vadasmaker]

Shit I don't understand

Shit I don’t understand

Sometimes I’m awake all night because I’m worried the Dumpster’s pissing contest with North Korea or his kissing contest with Russia, the Philippines, and other dick-run countries is going to get us blown off the planet. Don’t even ask me where I obtained my bottomless knowledge of pissing contests and kissing contests. Let’s just say I’ve been around and leave it at that.

Sometimes I’m awake all…

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The formerly unflappable Mr. Johnson.

The formerly unflappable Mr. Johnson.

My husband is unflappable. I’ve always thought he had some kind of automatic emotional stability mechanism that kept his level of excitability somewhere between a guy who’s just finished a ChongBong full of Purple Urkel and a guy who just rolled it and smoked it like normal people.

For instance, before he decided religion was a toxic, man-made load of horse crap, we went to some churches I can…

[vadasmaker]

A list for the homicide-impaired

I’ve watched literally hundreds of hours of Dateline Mystery, Joe Kenda, Homicide Hunter, Murder Comes to Town . . . you name it, I’ve probably watched it. Apparently, however, the people who actually kill other people have never heard of Discovery ID.

Here’s a little list just for them.

If you are such a cretin that you have to make a list of the steps you must take to kill somebody, maybe you…

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Thanks, Donald!

Before I even start—I owe all this to Donald Trump.

Ever since the election I’ve been having Trump-mares. Really. Not Trump-as-president-mares, but dreams in which he is personally threatening me. Sometimes he’s just standing in my bedroom doorway, shaking his big orange head saying, “Sad. Sad.”

Sometimes he’s in my classroom, stalking around behind me as I talk to me students. “Wrong!” he…

[vadasmaker]

RIP Clancy Lee Johnson

RIP Clancy Lee Johnson

Clancy Lee Johnson died at on January 9. He was 12 years old.

Clancy came to us at 3 weeks old. He was standing on the corner at about 131st and I-75, a privacy fence behind him and a highway in front. He went for the highway. Over and over and over again. He weighed less than a pound, so when a car flew by, the gust of air threw him a few feet back toward the fence. When a semi went by, he hit t…

[vadasmaker]

What's wrong with Kansas?

What’s wrong with Kansas?

This is what’s wrong with Kansas (besides Sam Brownback and the late Fred Phelps): You congratulate yourself on the fantastic rate you got for a night at Hutchinson’s newest hotel. The bed is great. The pillows you want to steal (but don’t). There’s free WiFi, a microwave, and a refrigerator, into which you put your Diet A & W Root Beer that is an absolute necessity for waking up.

In the morning…