Used to be Vaerminipherous Mike | 28
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I love chicken pot pie so much I love it I love it
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I feel like Ive attained some semblance of peace regarding what happened months ago. Its taken alot of reading and honest self reflection to finally be happy with where things are. I understand the reason why I did what I did to you. I dont think it was something stupid like what we were arguing about, I feel like it was just a combination of things I lied to myself about over the years. Not the argument but the issues I had built up inside. Being unemployed for weeks and having a dip financially and not being honest with you. I feel like the way you argued and my lack of emotional self control really hit hard that night. I really did love you and we both tried to make it work sure but I think the idea of being with you was better than actually being with you. It was great for a while but I built this idea in my head of what you were and was too stupid to realize it wasn't it. I stuck with it because its all I had known. Its all I knew for years of my life. I wasn't happy that you had no goals in life, you were just living. I dont want that statement to oppose the idea of me providing for you but I assumed that with you not having to work, being off your island and having all the time in the world would help you pursue your passions like editing or photography or whatever you put your mind to. I still see that night in my head at times, seeing you cry on my bed and it still ruins me. I could of, and should of ended differently and I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry for acting like a bitch with alot of things. Thats where I feel like I was undeserving of you. You tried but I feel like the combination of you not loving me, and you claiming that you can't really love anyone killed me inside. I dont know why I stuck with that and even after everything I've done to improve I still can't find that answer. So be it. I think overall I was really happy with you, but upon further reflection over these 5-6 months, I really feel like it was momentary and not for the long haul. Its upsetting to type that but it is what it is. I think I wanted to love the idea of you and perpetuate it into reality but no one can change a person. Hope you find yours.
I can't think of any other hang ups I have. I'm glad you haven't messaged me, not that I wont ignore it but the fact that you haven't messaged me is good to see. I'm not going to think hard about that as its pointless. Regardless, this is the end of my thoughts and rambles. It was nice knowing you Becca, its been good and I appreciate all of the memories throughout the years. I wish you well as life goes on for both of us. You did made my first real winter in PA a memorable one for sure.
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