valiantleigh

[valiantleigh]

I'm just messing around with a camera and sharing my thoughts on social anxiety and crippling comparison in this silly little vlog I made!

[valiantleigh]

This morning routine is helping me to stay focused on my missionary purpose while I wait to travel to my reassignment. I was sent home from my mission in Argentina for a little bit due to COVID-19 risks, and will resume my mission in Riverside, California.

[valiantleigh]

semana 8 y 9: jk lol

So y'all thought I'd be serving in Argentina for 18 months... haha, nope. :)

I came to Argentina with high hopes and high expectations. My hopes are still high, but now my expectations have changed a bit to say the least. However short my time here, it has been just what I need and exactly where my God needed me to be.

. . .

After a harrowing 2 days in quarantine, with 10 more to go, we received a text from our Sister Training Leaders: "Scripture of the day: Revelations 2:10..."

It reads: "Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into PRISON, that ye may be TRIED; and ye shall have tribulation TEN DAYS: be thou faithful unto DEATH, and I will give thee a crown of life."

But wait, it gets better in Spanish...

"No tengas ningún temor de las cosas que has de padecer. He aquí, el diablo va a echar a algunos de vosotros a la cárcel, para que seáis probados, y tendréis tribulación durante diez días. Sé fiel hasta la muerte, y yo te daré la CORONA de la vida."

INCREDIBLY specific, no? Man, I love the scriptures.

What was funny on Day 2 became an anchor on Day 3, and every day since, for a little missionary worried about how God expected her to be a missionary if she couldn't go out and "preach and teach and work as missionaries do."

My purpose is clear: "Invite others to come unto Christ." There are plenty of ways to do that while cooped up in an apartment with 3 other hermanas, or in whatever situation we may find ourselves in.

And as Hermana Torres so wisely reminds me, Satan knows we are in quarantine. He's in for a real surprise when he finds out that God's work is still moving forward in miraculous ways through His consecrated missionaries.

If we can't go out and work in exactly the way I was expecting to, at least the Lord is working on ME. My testimony and confidence in Him is growing. He is preparing me for a great work, whether it be on my mission, as a mother, or wherever my God calls me to work.

As I have sought God in sincere prayer, the Spirit has whispered to me specific ways that I can lift and serve those around me. I praise Him for His revelation and guidance! It comes in simple and practical ways, but ways that are nonetheless heavenly rather than earthly. His help is available to everyone who ASKS.

. . .

Today is Day 9 of quarantine and it has been extended until the middle of April in all of Argentina. While we still have no idea when we will be able to go home—before or after the quarantine—I know for certain that I will be returning to the United States soon, be at home for 14 days, and be reassigned to serve somewhere in the US. I joy in the Lord's hand in my life and in His call for me to serve! Wherever I may be, he has my whole heart and my whole soul! What a grand adventure this life is!

Like me, I know each of you has had your own fiery trials during the last 2 weeks. PRAY ALWAYS. That's the best antidote for all that is broken in the world. And then act on those prayers and you will see miracles in your everyday life. I represent Christ, with power and authority, and that is my promise to YOU.

I love you, but Jesus loves you more,

Hermana Brenna Horton

P.S. TODAY is my cumplemes!! I've been una misionera for 2 months!

P.P.S. Another specific prophecy for you to ponder on, about the missionaries returning to their countries: D&C 103:11-12

♡

[Originally written on March 28, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 7: argentina!

Hola, buen día!

Impossible things are continuing to happen in the kingdom of God and in the life of one little missionary.

My first companion and trainer is Hermana Torres from Columbia. She has been a member of the church for only 3 years. Her story, as well as her obedience and hard work today, are powerful examples to me. There are people here that need her testimony of her struggles and her understanding.

My first area is called Brandsen. It is a little town that actually reminds me a lot of Parowan. We rarely walk on sidewalks and there are lots of open fields between here and another town in our area, Jeppener. What a tender mercy. It is so green here, a constant reminder that Heavenly Father loves me and all of his creations.

The food is amazing as was promised by many people. I have had plenty of pasta and milinezas and fresh bread. Too much in fact!

I am a little out of the loop on the whole corona thing, but here is how it is affecting the work in our mission. Of course, all the chapels in the world are closed for church meetings. We partook of the Sacrament in the home of a member yesterday. It is difficult to invite new people we meet to come to church, but we are working hard to help those we are teaching be able to attend "church" in the homes of members, but we can't have more than 10 people in one home. Nothing else is impeded much. We can still contact door to door, but we are not allowed to give kisses on the cheek or handshakes.

This whole situation strengthens my testimony that Russel M. Nelson is a prophet called of God. He has revealed Come Follow Me and the importance of the priesthood and gospel teaching in our homes. The Lord's timing is so wonderful to me! We are preparing for when Christ comes again. And as Hna. Torres testifies so often, we don't know when He will come, so now is the time to prepare. We need to be like Him when He comes.

Finally, here's how God is working miracles in me and in the people of Brandsen. A sacred promise I received, as a part of my setting apart to serve with power and authority, was that as I open my mouth and teach simply, the people will be able to understand my Spanish. My companion is so wonderful at encouraging me when learning the language is discouraging. She constantly helps me to see my progress in a better light. Now here's the part where I can boast in my God: many people compliment me on my ability to understand and speak Spanish (or Castellano) as I spend time with them in their homes. They can understand me! My accent and pronunciation are good! What little testifying and praying I can do are clear and easy to be understood! That's not me guys. That's all Heavenly Father. I'm just trying to work hard, do my part, and love His kids. He'll work out the rest.

I have seen miracles happening in the eyes of people we teach. I can't understand much of the words they say, but how they feel is clear in their attentiveness to His message, and how they act when they feel the Spirit. I have seen their potential through the eyes of my Father. Guys, I made it. I made it to Argentina. I made it to the mission. It took a lot of work to get here. This is the happiest, hardest, funnest, most stressful thing I have ever done. But I can't help but smile when I think about returning home and telling you all, "I DID IT!" It's for you guys who believe in me, it's for my future kids, and it's always been for Him, Jesus Christ.

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." Moroni 10:32

When we try, it is enough. His grace is sufficient. But we really have to try.

Le amo but Jesus loves you more,

Hermana Brenna Horton

♡

[Originally written on March 16, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 6: the first mile

Hola a todos :)

First things first, I am leaving the CCM on Monday at 10 in the morning. I have a connecting flight in Panama City and will fly through the night to arrive in Buenos Aires on Tuesday morning. It will be quite the adventure to be sure!

This morning I had the opportunity to exercise in the early morning before breakfast. Usually our exercise time is at 2 pm. I learned much from the Spirit as Mexico City was waking up, the mountains covered in a beautiful fog. 

I am so happy to share that ran my first mile for the first time in quite a while! My companion is very proud of me. This once impossible feat has led me to think about all of the other once impossible things that my Father has helped me to accomplish at the CCM.

"My first mile" can be likened to my first 6 weeks in this journey called a mission. I am so grateful and humbled for each hard and happy moment. My Heavenly Father is molding me and preparing me for what lies ahead.

Amid all of my worries and fears, what I feel, most of all, is grateful or *agradecida*. :)

I am grateful for my little big brother, Elder Horton, who is serving his first week in Brazil finally! His example and his testimony strengthen me everyday. I am so humbled to be doing this "together."

I am grateful for my friend, Sister Townsend, who taught me lots about being a missionary before we even put on our nametags. We both love the words of President M. Russell Ballard: "If you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong." In case you are worried, I am having fun. This is the life I have chosen, and I love it. Here's a few reasons why. Missionaries can still have ice cream and chocolate and cheetos. Missionaries sometimes get poked by weeds of unknown origin and get a fat, swollen finger. (Yep, that's me.) Missionaries are very helpful and share their Benadryl when the aforementioned finger is very itchy and numb. Some missionaries are still afraid of moths (not me) and it is quite a sight when 11 of them are trying to kill it while one cowers in the corner. Missionaries are silly, goofy, imperfect kids of God, and I love them. He takes them as they are and uses them to do His work.

This work and this message is the most important in the world. It is not mine. I am grateful to be a part of it. I love that the Spirit is the real teacher. I love the promises of the Lord. I just want to do my part to help all of His kids make the changes and the covenants that have brought me so much joy.

“The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever.” Isaiah 32:17 I love you but Jesus loves you more,

Hermana Brenna Horton

♡

[Originally written on March 6, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 4: count your many freckles

¡Hola a todos!

Summer of ‘12, or thereabouts, little Brenna Leigh was lacking in the summer tan department. She did however have an abundance of freckles. Riding in the passenger seat with her mom, she began to sing a little tune. “Count your freckles, name them one by one...” This one was “George,” and that one was “Bob.” ‘Twas the peak of humor to be sure.

Now, in the winter of ‘20, the Mexico City sun is doing some wonders for my skin. I may not be tan, but I am definitely a different shade of red and my freckles are back in abundance. I’m still singing “Count Your Many Freckles,” and I still think I’m pretty hilarious.

The first musical genius, though, is the wonderful brother or sister who wrote “Count Your Many Blessings.”

Here’s the highlights of the week that I am counting as blessings.

I am thankful for the testimonies of my teachers and for valiant examples in the scriptures. I am grateful for my desire to be more diligent and the whisperings of the Spirit that let me know I can do this. My Father is proud of me.

I love Sundays. I don’t get my usual four hour nap that I would get back home, but I sure do get spiritually fed. I am thankful for the gift of the Sacrament and the opportunity to realign my life.

I auditioned on Monday with Hma. Parker (mi compañera) and Hma. Fobert to sing in an upcoming devotional. We don’t know if we made it for sure. But I think it’s safe to say we’ll be singing “How Great Thou Art” (“Grand Eres Tu”) in a Tuesday or Sunday devotional soon.

I sing in the choir every week for the Tuesday devotional. This week I sang alto for the first time in my life! I’ve been telling Hma. Parker that I can not sing alto, but what I think I can and can’t do are changing everyday. I also found out that on the CCM Facebook page they will sometimes upload clips of these choir numbers. So go check it out and let me know if you see me!

During our first week we participated in a workshop where we got to know “interested people,” who were actually just missionaries from the CCM acting. I felt so tricked the first time around! I thought it was real! Hma. Parker and I got to be on the flipside this week for the newbies! We got to be ourselves (the missionaries) and have a conversation with Elder Sena or “Robert” in front of an audience of new missionaries. It was really fun to teach in English and remember that God just wants me to be myself out here. My personality and my gifts are why he needs me.

Hma. Parker and I are growing in unity as we plan and teach. We pray together in Spanish often. We still can’t understand much Spanish, but compared to 4 weeks ago, we are making so much progress! Our teachers always give us helpful feedback. The highlight was when Hmo. Hernandez told us that we began our lesson in a warm and friendly manner. If I can do that, and in Spanish no less, then that’s enough for me right now.

I am grateful for Hma. Parker’s efforts and also her willingness to, in effect, remind me to “take a chill pill.” I cried today because I’ve been feeling pretty anxious about the language and she helped me to stop overthinking. She reminds me that mission life doesn’t have to be happy all the time. It’s rough, and that’s why we lean on Christ. When I am not happy, I am still (eternally) joyful and hopeful. Isn’t that neat?

I love my district! We’ve been great friends since week one. It probably helps that we spend all day in class together. Little acts of kindness and encouragement and love happen every day. For example, Hma. Christensen listened intently as I sang an original song a capella, simply because I just really wanted to sing it and there are no ukuleles here.

In conclusion, I’m tired, my body hurts, I’m worried, I’m hopeful, and I’m putting in the work. I know that it hurt for Christ, so I’m okay with my pain. The people in Argentina are hurting too, so I know my perseverance will help them, somehow, someway. I’m trusting in the Lord’s promises that he will make more of my life and my efforts than I ever could on my own.

Love,

Hermana Brenna Horton

♡

[Originally written on February 21, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 3: always stop and pray

Hola a todos! Jesús te ama!

This week has been better. Every day is better than the last. How miraculous is that?

I am thankful for the Elders (there's only 2) in our district/class who were willing to offer me a blessing of comfort on Saturday. I know my Heavenly Father knows me by name. And that it's Brenna, not Brenda or Breanna.

Elder L. Whitney Clayton (Senior President of the Seventy), Elder John C. Pingree Jr., and their wives came to offer us missionaries some encouragement and counsel on Monday night. Elder Clayton served as a Seventy in Buenos Aires for a time. His wife spoke about how lovely the city is and how she herself struggled to learn Spanish. I felt Heavenly Father's love at this special connection. I felt the strength and support of these four leaders as I shook their hands (and hugged the Sisters). There are many people who testify of my ability and capacity to serve. Most importantly Jesus Christ. I know that you do, too. Thank you.

I am very thankful to be here. My desire to serve was renewed today in the Mexico City Temple. I stand all amazed that I am here in this time, this country, and this calling. Heavenly Father sends me constant and small reminders that He is mindful of me. I felt so much gratitude as I was able to offer a personal prayer from my heart in the Spanish language and in His holy house. On that note, we were all very excited to leave "prison" or "the compound" to attend the temple today. We were joking that we will be able to tell our children we lived in Mexico for a little bit, but it wasn't "real" Mexico. So I saw real Mexico for the first time in 3 weeks, all from the window of a bus.

Before I left the good 'ol USA I purchased a small pin that reads "ASAP" with a smaller inscription that says "ALWAYS STOP & PRAY." It's on my bag and I look at it every day. This is a simple reminder of my recent commitment to pray more often and more sincerely. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have to pray with my companion before and after we plan and study. I am grateful for prayer as a resource and tool to connect with Heaven when I am feeling anxious or less than.

Alma 32:10-11 - Do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only? . . .do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?

Alma 34:27 - Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

My purpose is to invite YOU to come closer to Christ through sincere prayer. In other words, tell Him "what's up", how you are really feeling. He knows and He's ready to run to your aid. I testify that prayer brings every child of God closer to Him. When we pray, we learn more about just how much we NEED to rely on Him. He doesn't want me to be perfect. He just wants me to come closer each day. Come unto Christ. He smiles at every effort.

Love,

Hermana Brenna Horton

♡

[Originally written on February 14, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 2: then is His grace sufficient for you

¡Hola mi queridos amigos!

My purpose is to invite YOU to come closer to Christ. So I have another invitation. "Another invitation from Hermana Horton?!" You betcha! I can testify of the power, comfort, and guidance of the Holy Spirit that we can experience from reading the Book of Mormon. The reason I can testify of this is because I have experienced it for myself. 

That is why I am here. I know. . . I believe. . . I feel . . . my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Your challenge: read 2 Nephi 28:30 and Moroni 10:32-33 in the Book of Mormon. I'll tell you why these verses are important to me, but as you read I hope you can find out what it means for you. Our Heavenly Father is anxious to talk to us. One way He does this is through His words, His scriptures. 

Learning Spanish is rough. Being a missionary is rough. For me the challenge comes from wanting to be perfect right now, or to learn everything all at once. But that is not God's way. I love learning about learning. I love that God is patient with me.

I am learning Spanish and what God expects from me, His servant, "line upon line, precept upon precept." And after all I can do, not all that I think I have to do, "then is His grace sufficient for me." Our teachers tell us often, in their adorable Spanish accents: "God only asks us to one thing. Follow Him. Easy, right?" 

This mission thing is only a small part of my lifelong journey to come closer to Christ. If I was at home, I'd still be trying to come unto Christ. But this is how I have chosen to continue in faith, to press forward. So I will trust in Him. Puedo confiar en mi Salvador, Jesucristo.

On that note, I am learning sooo much Spanish. All day every day. Just in one week I have learned so much. My progress is palpable. My companion is really good at helping me to recognize my daily progress. I love this language! Everytime I learn something new or understand how to apply a new rule I am so joyful! Every moment of my day is truly a gift from my Heavenly Father.

For my friends who understand "the gift of tongues" a little differently than I do, I'll explain how it relates to helping me understand and speak a new language by the power of God, not the power of man. Here at el CCM we are encouraged to (1) work diligently, (2) believe it, (3) be worthy, (4) seek it, and (5) love the people. My companion and I do our best to use our language study time wisely by setting goals and to be little sponges in class. I know that I have been called of God to preach His gospel and that He will give me the words I need. If my Spanish is not perfect, the Spirit is the real teacher and testifier. I follow the mission rules, also known as "the steps to become a disciple of Christ." I repent by turning my heart and purpose to God each day. I pray for the gift of tongues every day, every prayer. I love God's children and I know that I am here for the people, not the language.

I wish that I could impart the daily nuances of the mission life in a way that could satisfy me. But I just want you to know that I love it all. I see my Savior's love in every little thing. I love that my companion, Hermana Parker, laughs at everything. Everything! It keeps my spirits high and my smile wide. The food is not 5-star, but they still feed me really good. Rice and beans and pasta and enchiladas and cranberry juice and peach yogurt drinks and scrambled eggs and Costco pizza and much, much more. I love the schedule, especially personal study or role play activities or devotionals every Tuesday and Sunday. I love Sundays, where I have an opportunity to partake of the Sacrament and remember the priesthood power that the Elders here hold. I love my district/classmates. I love my teachers and leaders. I love the tropical plants and birds, the mountains sprawled with colorful houses, the mild and sunny (albeit sometimes windy) weather. My arms got fried from being in the sun for only half and hour, so you can bet that this Hermana wears sunscreen every day now. If you've got some specific questions, I'd love to hear them. If you've got a favorite scripture or experience, send it my way! I can read emails all day, every day on my CCM issued iPad. So keep them coming! When I have felt stressed this week, I have turned to the encouraging words of family and friends and I feel less alone.

I'm doing all I can, and therefore His grace is sufficient for me. I've been trying to forget that I'm named Brenna (I love my "new name" and that it shares a space with Christ's on my nametag). But it's actually had some subconscious ramifications. My sweet companion reminded me that there is no perfect missionary, no perfect instrument. Even Joseph Smith made mistakes. God's work still got, and still will, get DONE. God needs me and God need YOU. That's my simple testimony. En el nombre de Jesucristo, amén.

Love,

Hermana Brenna Horton

♡

[Originally written on February 7, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

semana 1: I am a representative of Jesus Christ.

¡Hola mi queridos amigos!

My purpose is to invite YOU to come unto your Savior, Jesus Christ. I invite you to read Alma 17:2-3 in the Book of Mormon. The example of the sons of Mosiah teaches us to "search the scriptures diligently." They remind me that I am a representative of Jesus Christ, and because I have been set apart I can "teach with power and authority of God." My dear teachers tell me over and over again that "I am Christ" to them and to others. All the high expectations here at el CCM point me to Jesus Christ so that I can be a guide for those who don't know Him for themselves.

So if you think I'm awesome, just know that Christ was awesome first. 

Let me tell you about my companion. I feel very blessed to serve with Hermana Parker. She is also from Utah. She will also be serving in Argentina, but in a different mission. She is very understanding, kind, supportive, and encouraging. I hear so much about missionaries struggling with their companions. I know that will happen to me eventually, so I thank my Heavenly Father that I feel comfortable with her so that I can focus all of my efforts on learning the Doctrine of Christ. Having a companion is so awesome. I love it!

I knew that adjusting to missionary life would be hard. But I was surprised that my first day was so joyful. I felt so calm. I am sooo happy to be here. Even though missionary life is different, I love every moment of it. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. But I am still happy. Isn't that wonderful?

Which brings me to emotions. My emotional and mental preparation helps me everyday. One year ago I was NOT ready. My companion is very good at supporting me when I struggle. I talk to her whenever I am feeling anxious or self critical. When I need to have a good cry after I've retired to bed, she lets me just let it all out. She says that "God gave us feelings." I don't need to keep them to myself. By allowing myself to feel negative emotions, I appreciate everything about my sacred calling even more. 

During my darkest moments I feel so much love from my Savior. I still don't understand how He overcame everything, or how that applies to me on a daily basis. But I know that I can trust Him. He doesn't want me to worry about how I am doing. I am here, that is enough. He is proud of me.

My teachers are Hermana Sanchez (in the morning) and Hermano Hernandez (in the afternoon). I love them both so much! I will tell you more each week I am sure. This week I really appreciated Hermano Hernandez's testimony. He told us to "enjoy everything!" Hmo. Hernandez told us that on his mission in Southern Mexico, he ate turtle eggs. "It was very bad, but I enjoyed it." He told us that he really liked the tacos. "So enjoy the tacos AND the turtle eggs." I will remember His example forever. I enjoy when I cry! I enjoy when I am frustrated or anxious! I enjoy when I am tired! It is only because I have hope and I know my purpose. This joy is not possible without Jesus Christ. My Heavenly Father is refining me to be an instrument in His hands.

An inside joke between my companion and I is "the water is wet." On our way to a meeting, our zone leaders passed us on their way to grab paper towels. One elder pointed to where the door was and cautioned, "The water is wet!" And sure enough, the water was wet, but the floor was too. :) Missionaries' brains get fried from learning all day! Haha. So we looked up how to speak it in Spanish: "la auga es mojado."

I am a successful missionary. Even though none of my teaching is "real" in el CCM, it is still real. Our first full day, we had interested people come to our class. We asked questions to get to know them and learned to have empathy for their trials. I had a sweet experience where I bore my testimony to Lynn, a nonmember, about what Jesus Christ has done for me. I felt God's approval. If I am teaching and testifying, I am trying. I want to follow His pattern for how to teach and love others. Come to find out after that experience. . . they were FAKE interested people! Lynn is actually a missionary here at el CCM and I even saw her the next day. She thanked me for sharing the personal struggles I shared, because the trials that she shared were all true. So I will always remember that teaching is always real because my testimony is always real.

I have learned so much! When I feel frustrated with all I need to study and practice, I just think about how far I have come and I feel so proud of myself! I know and understand so much more Spanish and how God feels about me than I did even a few days ago. I'm still just me. But I have a higher focus, more effort, and therefore more peace and joy. I know that the Gift of Tongues is real. I have heard that sooo many times but I never fully believed it for myself. I want to have more faith in this principle, so I'll tell you how it goes.

There are bright green and bright red birds here and I love it. It is winter but it feels like spring all day. There is no air conditioning or heating, but I am never hot or cold. The campus is beautiful. There are several different buildings all sprawled out, so we walk outside a lot. Mexico City is a little sketchy, or rather it’s different than anything I’ve ever seen and full of commotion. But inside the gates of el CCM I am absolutely safe. I am in a fortress of security.

Read the Book of Mormon and then tell me about it. I’d love to hear what you are learning about Jesus.

I invite you to find out for yourself. Do the work and you will know your Savior, if you want to. You can choose.

En el nombre de Jesucristo, amén.

Love,

Hermana Horton

♡ 

[Originally written on February 1, 2020]

[valiantleigh]

When you eat the orange, it makes you wonder why you ever ate the peel.

Unknown

[valiantleigh]

"As we read and ponder the scriptures, we will experience the sweet whisperings of the Spirit to our souls."

President Thomas S. Monson

[valiantleigh]

Here’s Me Trying to Explain What My Anxiety Is Like

When I was in therapy, or even when I've talked to close friends and family, it has always been difficult to explain just what mental illness feels like.

Luckily for you and for me, I was recently able to sit down during the depths of my despair one day and "get it all out" in a few words of prose.

For the past few months, the brokenness of my brain has evolved into something I've never experienced before. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Nevertheless, I am still, and forever will be, firm in the belief that my Savior, Jesus Christ, overcame and descended below all things. And that is enough for me.

My languid language doesn't really get to the nitty-gritty of my anxiety and depression. But at least I've got it down on paper, so to speak. It was a release for me, and may be a light to you. I hope you learn something.

So here is a little piece of creative literature that I have so modestly named:

An Enigmatic Exposé of Entrapment

(I'm sorry for the title. I really do live quite the dramatic life in my imagination. So brace yourself for the metaphors...)

Do you ever feel trapped?

Trapped in your own house? In your own routine? In your own life?

Everyday is different, but they all feel the same.

Sobbing would release the pain, but your tears are trapped too.

Your head throbs as emotions pound on the walls of your skull, begging to be let free. Urging you to do something, anything.

All this makes you numb. The world fades from view. You wallow in swirling thoughts, the buffetings of the evil one.

Listlessness turns to fatigue, then to dull anger, then to hopelessness. But not a loud sort of hopelessness. Not a cry of why me?—but a docile complacence with the nothingness that has overshadowed your will.

Your body is weak, but your mind is weaker. And your spirit is torn between them both.

Your dreams are a mist. You long for change. But it darts away as you realize that you are the only one who can command it. And you are so . . . so tired of chasing it. So you let it frolic and leap—just out of reach—while you stand still, breathing breaths that don't mean anything.

Sunlight beams through the grated windows of your self-made prison. You know it has always been there; it has never left. But your eyes are burning from trying in earnest to see what is right in front of you. It's still blurry, and your head still aches.

Do you ever feel like this? Trapped?

Well, I do. And I just want it to stop.

Okay, Let's Back It Up Now

Wow, that was sad. Hindsight is 20/20 and I'm trying to make light of it now, perhaps as a way to cope.

But guys, here's the deal. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The next day after the aforementioned spiral of despair was not perfect, but it was certainly better. It always will get better.

The best thing to do is focus on the good. Seek the Lord early. I waited too long to even pray about what I was feeling.

Don't let your bad experiences be an excuse to not seek after, turn towards, reach for the good. Resisting the next steps to happiness like a toddler turning away from a forkful of suspicious looking vittles is way beneath you.

Don't wade in the waters of discontent, letting them rise and rise until you drown. Splash your way the heck out of there! Make a fight! Kick and crawl your way back into the safe embrace of your loving Redeemer. There in His arms, things don't have to make sense just yet, but at least you know who you are. Jesus Christ is rest, and you are His.

As I tell my siblings, and the students I substitute teach, "It's okay to cry."

Some days our emotions get the better of us. But they are just that: emotions. Not who you are. Not who you are destined to be. Those days are just "a day." And there will be more. Many more.

Some days don't feel like they count for anything. But they do, because they are your vehicle to all the days to come, and eventually to eternity. Don't let them pass by. Involve your Heavenly Father and His Son, the Authors of All. They know what's up. There is a purpose.

And finally, you're doing better than you think you are. (I'm saying this to myself more than anyone else. Try it in the mirror sometime! It's utterly stupendous how it can change your limited scope in an instant.)

At the end of this rambling on about all that is both sucky and super duper good about life, I bid thee adieu.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on December 17, 2019]

[valiantleigh]

The Next Right Thing

It's been confirmed. Disney really does make magic.

How else would they know to weave a theme through their script and title a song after a phrase that was spoken to my mind through divine revelation, years before I even saw Frozen 2?

That's right. Frozen 2 was a testimony building experience.

I already relate to Anna, princess of Arendelle, on account of my red hair and magical-power-imbued blonde sister. (Emmie's superpower is kindness, by the way.) But when she sang, or rather sobbed, her song "The Next Right Thing," I cried quiet tears in the back row of the theater. I know just how she feels.

Here's the lyrics for your reading pleasure:

I've seen dark before

But not like this

This is cold

This is empty

This is numb

The life I knew is over

The lights are out

Hello, darkness

I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around

I always have

But you've gone to a place I cannot find

This grief has a gravity

It pulls me down

But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

"You are lost, hope is gone

But you must go on

And do the next right thing"

Can there be a day beyond this night?

I don't know anymore what is true

I can't find my direction, I'm all alone

The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor

When it's not you I'm rising for?

Just do the next right thing

Take a step, step again

It is all that I can to do

The next right thing

So I'll walk through this night

Stumbling blindly toward the light

And do the next right thing

And with the dawn, what comes then

When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?

Then I'll make the choice

To hear that voice

And do the next right thing

I remember clearly, kneeling beside my bed in my first apartment during my first year of college, feeling absolutely tired of life. Tired of messing up. Tired of trying. Tired of joy escaping my grasp.

I pictured Christ's loving face, and I knew that I could do the next right thing. I could do it for Him.

"Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives" to those of us struggling with perfectionism. Your next step does not have to be flawless. Your next effort can be 75%, 50% or even a measly 5%. That is absolutely allowed because it is 100% better than where you were before.

We compare our efforts to who we could be, and therefore deem them "not enough." When it seems you can't serve with all of your heart, might, mind and strength, remember that you are an eternal being. "All" that you are is not completely formed yet. Because Christ descended below it all, what you give is enough if it is a step in the right direction.

This is some tough stuff. I'm still learning about the fine line between justice and mercy every day.

I am doing great, but I can do better.

I can do better, but I am doing great.

And you are, too. You're doing good!

The gospel of Jesus Christ provides a simple pattern for what "the next right thing" is for His faithful disciples. Read His words, seek His guidance through prayer, decide to choose Him and simple as that, you will know. You will feel a good feeling. That feeling is the Holy Ghost, and he always urges us forward.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on December 1, 2019]

[valiantleigh]

Happy People

Today I still didn't want to get out of bed.

Here's to hoping I can try instead.

Poetry is not silly, I tell myself. It makes the words stick in your head. Nice little phrases easily remembered.

And I want to remember these words. I want to remember that even if [fill in any blank you'd like] there is always a glimmer, a flicker of hope.

I don't want my hope to be simple wishing. It's going to move me to act. Not some brave adventure though. A brave little step instead.

I once heard that it is not the quantity of the miles you travel that counts, but the quality. And what better quality to choose than the goodness and kindness of Christ.

I'm going to try and get out of my head today. There's a lot swimming around in there. I'm tired. I feel awful. I'd like to curl up into a little ball again and forget the world exists.

But not today. Not today Satan.

What will turn this around? Prayer for one. Gospel study, too. I've done it before. It will work. I will rise again.

I've also heard that happiness is not a choice. You can't just choose to be happy. You have to do things that bring happiness.

I found the list from Hank R. Smith.

Happy people:

1. Choose happy friends

2. Care about others’ happiness

3. Spend time in nature/exercise

4. Get enough sleep & eat healthy

5. Try to be happy & laugh a lot

6. Say thank you

7. Use music to impact mood

8. Give & serve

9. Work hard & have minimal debt

10. Meditate/Pray daily

And I found another gem from him:

"When Christ washed others’ feet He exemplified how His Church should function: servant leadership.

"If you think, "Why should I go? I don't get anything out of it" you’re missing the point. We don't go to church to be served, we go to serve. We don't go to get, we go to give."

So what am I going to give today? How will I make my doings "unto the Lord?"

I will pray fervently to be guided in my actions, to know how to proceed. I don't want to leave Him out of it. Not today.

I will get up and go. I've felt stuck. Just so stuck and I can't keep telling myself it is going to stay that way. This is my life. What am I going to do with it?

I will smile. Not a fake smile. A hopeful smile. A faith-filled smile. A thankful smile. Because that is what this gospel is all about.

I will remember that Christ didn't suffer for pretty me, all dolled up for Institute class. He died for messy me, wondering if this is really worth it, sulking around in my room, not being the perfect disciple. I'm allowed to make mistakes. The point is to learn from them. And not just learn that I can and need to do better. But to learn what my relationship is with my Father really is and what his relationship is with me.

He knew me before I came to earth. He planned for this. There is room in his design. There is room to grow. So will I let weeds grow, or choose the flowers?

I will be careful (ie. diligent) not to pick the flowers. And I will not be so complacent about those stinkin' weeds either! Thank goodness I've got a Master Gardener to help me with my little patch of earth.

Happy people say thank you. I'm going to try that some more. It is almost Thanksgiving after all. And just like Christmas is everyday, so is Thanksgiving. And it's not about a turkey.

I am thankful for my talents and the opportunity to share them.

I am thankful for all of the comforts of life that turn me to my Maker and give me to capacity to serve. Because I have been given much I too must give.

I am thankful for autumn.

I am thankful for my hair, my eyes, my eyelashes. (Thanks to Mom and Dad in the genes department.)

I am thankful for water.

I am thankful for candles.

I am thankful for light in all it's forms and shades. For twilight, dusk, dawn. Midday that is filled with brightness and lightness. Even past clouds, the world glows with heavenly love.

I am thankful for little angels, my siblings and Primary friends, who love me. Who knows why. But they do. And it makes me feel important and needed.

I am thankful. And I will let that feeling, that attitude, that warm, warm bundle of hope, fill my heart today. It will make a difference. It will change my life. And that is what I want most right now. A change.

Today I still didn't want to get out of bed.

Here's to hoping I can try instead.

It sure is possible. I believe it is.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on November 25, 2019]

[valiantleigh]

And That Is Enough

Nothing makes for a rude awakening quite like realizing you miss the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Like really miss him. And maybe he was there all along, but you didn't seek him out or give him heed. The things you've been doing haven't invited him close.

I realized that this morning. I realized how important he is to feeling real joy. How important his guidance is to living a godly life. To living for other people. You can't do it without him.

And so I felt this gaping whole, and I yearned to fill it. I pondered a desire that I have felt before, a long time ago. Today I felt it again. The desire to try, actually try. I don't want to just "cruise." What a mockery to mercy.

I've given a great deal of thought to this fine line between justice and mercy. As a perfectionist, it is ever present in my mind. There are laws that if broken have eternal consequences. But Christ overcame all things, did He not? So, I'm good. I don't need to worry so much.

And back and forth, back and forth, I swing between these precepts like a pendulum.

The ride makes me dizzy. I feel so icky at all of these "in between" moments of life where nothing feels quite right.

There is hope. I'll figure it out someday. Some beautiful future day.

Tomorrow and Today

“The Woman had told her that Tomorrow never comes, but Elizabeth knows better. It will come sometime. Some beautiful morning she will just wake up and find it is Tomorrow. Not Today but Tomorrow. And then things will happen…wonderful things.” (L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Windy Poplars)

In my current read, Anne's little friend, Elizabeth, confides in her the lovely things that will be in her Tomorrow. She's only known sorrow and no love in her young life and has lots to dream about. In Tomorrow her father will come home. In Tomorrow she will never be scared of anything. When Tomorrow comes she could run far away enough to "get into the sunset." On her map of fairyland Tomorrow is east of Today and west of Yesterday. She expects to meet lots of elephants in Tomorrow, too.

She spent her summer "thinking of all the lovely things that will happen in Tomorrow." What a past time.

I've got my own Tomorrow, too. My struggles are just as really a little Elizabeth's, so it's good to romanticize I suppose. It's healthy to dream. What else can I do when I feel this mortal misery set in?

In Tomorrow I will never feel sadness, only joy. Real, tangible joy, the kind that never threatens to flee on a whim.

In Tomorrow I will be satisfied.

In Tomorrow I will not feel so selfish, or feel so much gut-turning guilt for said selfishness.

In Tomorrow I will accept that God is not disappointed in me. He really isn't. And I do know that in Today, but it will take until Tomorrow to know it for sure.

In Tomorrow I will never be tired.

In Tomorrow I will see truth for what it is. I tend to make up a lot of things in my broken brain. And these made up things hurt, especially when I think they are my fault.

In Tomorrow life will be full and rich. Every breath will be a pleasure. There will be so much to look forward to—all of the time.

In Tomorrow I won't feel like running away. I will be comfortable right where I am, wherever I am, and not feel like hiding myself away until circumstances are more favorable.

In Tomorrow I will love freely. I will never forget that we are all brothers and sisters and that awkwardness is just the Adversary trying to make us forget that.

But Tomorrow is a long ways off isn't it? An eternity, in fact. There's still good in Today right?

Absolutely right.

In Today I have a hope of eternal joy. A promise actually. How neat is that? Doesn't that just make your heart swell?

In Today I can pray. And that is satisfaction enough. That a God in Heaven hears my prayer and I am enveloped in His healing embrace everywhere I go.

In Today I can try. And try, try, again.

In Today I am forgiven. For every little thing that I think is wrong with me, there are earthly angels who see past all of that and let me be imperfect. What a beautiful kind of love.

In Today I feel God's confidence in me. He trusts me. He believes in me. He is my biggest cheerleader. Such cliches, I know, but they ring so true. They bolster me up. I think how, how can this be? But it simply is. These truths give me power to go forth and do.

In Today I have the promise of rest. When I've just had enough, I am enough. I can fight another day. I will fight another day.

In Today I am blessed with the capacity to serve God, oftentimes beyond what I think I can. There is a lot I have done that makes me especially proud of myself. God knows what I can handle. He just loves it when I get back up.

In Today I have a choice. I choose to make life wonderful, even when it's not.

In Today I belong anywhere. This world was made for me. My legs and my mind can take me anywhere, even if it is scary.

In Today my love is enough. People can feel it, even when it isn't offered flawlessly.

And That Is Enough

Life is messy. But performing the Atonement wasn't easy, so why should trusting in it be?

I'm glad to have the Spirit back. He's leading me home. I'm closer every day. And that is enough.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on November 24, 2019]

[valiantleigh]

“Unto the Lord”

"... there I have deposited unto the Lord all the sacred engravings concerning this people." (Mormon 1:3)

When Ammaron, a disciple of Christ trusted with the sacred records of his people, tells a young Mormon where to retrieve them when he has come of age, he uses some inspired wordage: "unto the Lord."

I love that. I've heard it all my life. It is found sprinkled throughout all of God's written word.

"Raise up seed unto the Lord." (1 Nephi 7:1)

"Pray unto the Lord." (1 Nephi 7:21)

"Gave thanks unto the Lord." (Alma 45:1)

"Repent and return unto the Lord." (Helaman 13:11)

"Consecrate their gain unto the Lord." (3 Nephi 20:19)

"Offer unto the Lord an offering of righteousness." (3 Nephi 24:3)

"Cry unto the Lord." (Ether 1:34-39)

And that's just in The Book of Mormon. This simple and beautiful phrasing is circumscribed into one whole in the following passage:

"Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

"Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day." (Alma 37:36-37)

Ammaron doesn't just "bury the records in the ground." He deposits them "unto the Lord." His doings were "for Him."

Joy D. Jones has taught us how this truth applies to us in the latter days:

"The Lord counseled, 'Look unto me in every thought.' And each week we covenant to do just that—to 'always remember him.' Can such a godly focus apply in everything we do? Can performing even a menial task become an opportunity to demonstrate our love and devotion to Him? I believe it can and will.

"We can make each item on our to-do list become a way to glorify Him. We can see each task as a privilege and opportunity to serve Him, even when we are in the midst of deadlines, duties, or dirty diapers." (For Him, October 2018 General Conference)

A dear friend of mine, currently serving her mission in Nagoya, Japan, recommended Sister Jones's talk to me. It changed the way she saw her missionary service.

And aren't we all missionaries and witnesses of God, just trying to be like Jesus?

I hope you will read it, too, and see how you can try a little harder to be a little better, and make even the simplest things you do be "unto the Lord."

He is waiting to bless us.

We got this.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on November 24, 2019]

[valiantleigh]

Sorrow Is Just Part of Mortality

"Therefore, that they might not taste of death there was a change wrought upon their bodies, that they might not suffer pain nor sorrow save it were for the sins of the world." (3 Nephi 28:38)

First, a little background. After His resurrection and ascension into heaven, Jesus Christ visited His people in the ancient Americas. He blessed and taught the Nephites, prayed with them, and organized His Church by instituting the Sacrament and calling and ordaining twelve apostles. After being among them for three days he continued to "show himself unto them oft." (3 Nephi 26:13) Chapters 27 and 28 of 3 Nephi record one such visit to these twelve apostles following their being "united in mighty prayer and fasting." (3 Nephi 27:1) He proceeded to answer their question about the name of His Church, teach them His gospel, and lovingly ask them, "one by one," "What is it that ye desire of me?" (3 Nephi 28:1)

The chapter heading summarizes their desires: "Nine of the twelve disciples desire and are promised an inheritance in Christ’s kingdom when they die. The Three Nephites desire and are given power over death so as to remain on the earth until Jesus comes again."

What would you say if posed this question by the Savior? This tender passage, an interview between Jesus Christ and those for whom He suffered, teaches us that He knows the thoughts of our hearts (3 Nephi 28:6) and is eager and willing to bless us. (So pray, folks! That's the simple lesson. He wants to hear from you.)

Later, while compiling this record, the prophet Mormon asks the Lord about the physical nature of the change that was wrought on these Three Nephites. Were they mortal or immortal? Throughout Chapter 28, it is lovely to see Mormon's exemplary trust in God: accepting the things he does not yet comprehend, but still continuing to seek knowledge, line upon line.

Verse 38 is his plain and simple answer. I learned much from it today, not only about the Three Nephites, but about the nature of our own bodies and mortal suffering. Reading this verse, I felt an instant yearning for that day when I, too, will not "suffer pain nor sorrow."

What a message of hope! The way I comprehend it, pain and sorrow are directly linked to the mortal nature of our bodies. They are the effects of the Fall. Sorrow is simply a part of being mortal. All of the turbulent emotions I feel are for my experience. Someday, some wonderful day, they will not plague me anymore!

This is why, even in my darkest moments, of mental anguish and moral frustration, I never lose sight of eternity. That flickering flame is always burning inside of me, no matter how far from God I feel I have wandered. My spirit is eternal and my body is just trying to figure out that it will be too. (And it's taking it's own sweet time.) I know that this is just a "valley" and I have to endure it to rise to the next "peak."

It's tough to have feelings. I don't know which is tougher, the dark ones or the light ones. The light ones are wonderful, until we find out that on this earth, happiness doesn't last very long. There will always be another darn valley. And then the dark ones become compounded when we wish for the happiness we once felt, but we feel too broken to do the work to obtain it. In despair, I sometimes think it would be nice to just be numb, to not be bothered with feelings at all.

But, oh, thank goodness that this gospel leads us to far more than just happiness! Jesus Christ has provided a way for us to experience eternal joy. He doesn't numb the pain, He overcame it entirely and completely! Hope is so powerful, because by looking to that future day, we can experience a glimpse of that joy now and every day, instead of miserably waiting around for it to come.

Because of Him, I can pass through sorrow to know good from evil. Mormon continues in verse 39, teaching us that "Satan could have no power over [the Three Nephites], that he could not tempt them; and they were sanctified in the flesh, that they were holy, and that the powers of the earth could not hold them."

What happened to them in an instant can happen to us on a day to day basis. Through repentance, Satan's power has no effect. Through repentance we gain power and tools to fight temptation. Through repentance we are made sanctified and holy—completely whole and perfect—the moment we decide to change. Through repentance, the powers of the earth cannot hold us, and we live a higher and holier law, basking in the light and mercy of our Redeemer. (Now go back and reread this, replacing "repentance" with "change" or "turning to God." That's all it is. Pretty powerful, huh?)

In conclusion, keep on keepin' on. Don't be so hard on yourself. In the valleys, fight your way to the peaks. And when you reach that peak, brace yourself for the valleys. Prepare by donning the armor of God. I have an eternity to keep learning these lessons, and so do you. It is scary. But "perfect love casteth out all fear." (1 John 4:18) Who loves us more perfectly than Jesus Christ? And "no failure ever need be final." Most especially with our Heavenly Father and his Son rooting for us and beckoning us to come back home.

Live valiant leigh,

Brenna

[Originally posted on November 23, 2019]