venicespeaks

[venicespeaks]

E

Know that I prayed for you on days I can’t even pray for myself.

Take care, always.

[venicespeaks]

I miss you when it rains.

[venicespeaks]

The Little Things

The sky bursting with colors,

Birds chirping,

Clouds — the big and small ones,

People chattering in the street,

A cup of coffee,

The warm air,

Trees dancing,

The distant laughters,

Unspoken admiration,

A heart beating with affection,

Eyes glistening while you look and listen,

Eyes glistening while

you

look

and

listen.

[venicespeaks]

sonnenblume

Even after all this time, I feel like there are still so many things I want to tell you — like how my life is so different now. And how when you left, it felt like I’m stuck inside a room that’s slowly burning. I could feel my lungs collapsing and every passing moment felt like I’m gasping for air. Everyday, I woke up feeling more hurt than yesterday. How I still do not know how I got through it, but I did. And how it all feels like a dream now and I am only left with little snippets of who you and I used to be.

I also want to tell you how I have different hobbies now. How I think completely different because of this book I’ve read. And how I have a new cat. I have stopped crying long ago. You used to be the one who helped me calm down through my attacks and now I have learned to calm myself down. I can now sleep alone... with lights off.

There are so many things I want to apologize for and though this is long overdue and we don’t care anymore, I still feel like I owe this to the past you and me. I am sorry for not knowing better that time. I am sorry for making you feel like you’re the one to blame. I am sorry for not understanding a lot of things back then — the circumstances, you, me, etc.

There are also so many things I want to thank you for. Thank you for the times you loved me and sincerely made me feel like I was worth it. Your mere presence had gotten me through so many tough times in my life and I hope you also get the chance to see that man I saw in you. Most importantly, thank you for letting me go because I couldn’t have done that myself.

Every now and then, whenever I pray, your name would just pop up. I have full faith that He will guide you (and your lovely family) and get you through whatever and never let you feel alone — because those are the things I’ve prayed for.

You feel like a distant memory now though. I can no longer see your footsteps from here and I do not remember your voice anymore. I never thought that this day would come — where I am genuinely happy for you and for myself. You feel like an old friend that I am no longer in touch with but I would still cheer on and clap for even when no one’s clapping.

Maybe that’s why —

Even after all this time, I feel like there are still so many things I want to tell you. (-:

[venicespeaks]

"So when you need her touch And loving gaze Gone but not forgotten Is the perfect phrase Smiling from a star That she makes glow Trust she's always there Watching as you grow Hiding in the place Where the lost things go"

— The Place Where Lost Things Go, Jamie Cullum

[venicespeaks]

“What defines you?”

“Nothing. A definition excludes the possibility for change.”

[venicespeaks]

To the little girl who lost her way,

Sometimes, I want to ask the universe why... “She’s just a little girl, why did you break her so much?”

Finding pieces of myself at the most random places makes my heart a little sad. It just makes me realize how much I lost myself over the past years. I’ve been talking about it for months, I know but it’s just really sinking in now as me and my friends bring up old conversations — mainly when we were in highschool. I was very shocked because I was very different back then. We were always engaged in fights, we wouldn’t attend our classes when we don’t feel like it, we would wear whatever we want to wear, we would say a shit ton of bad words and wave our middle fingers in pictures, we would cut classes, we would get our phones confiscated for texting too much, we would pass cheat sheets around during exams, we would say hi to the guys we liked with no shame and meet with them if we’re lucky, and many other things that I’ve seem to have forgotten. Ahh, life was good back then. No one expected me to be anyone or anything. I was just being me, a free spirt — with my nerdy glasses, sad tweets, cute Instagram edits, and of course, my clumsy ass in a floral skirt.

After winning a pageant and being criticized by the whole community for not being pretty enough or tall enough, I finally broke and towards the end of highschool, I became a watered-down version of me. I became softer, kinder and less mean (lol). I was thinking back then that I didn’t want anyone to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t want to be the reason why someone is crying at night, questioning their worth. I didn’t want to be intentionally responsible for someone else’s pain.

I saw the opportunity to completely change in college — which is something that I regret the most. I really pushed myself to purposely fit in to who they think I was. I can say that I don’t like who I’ve become in the span of those 4 years. It felt suffocating to be the good girl. It felt draining to always be the nice one. I’ve always felt like I needed to be at my 100% at all times and always carried the thought “How are they supposed to carry on if even I can’t do it?” around. I’ve always felt like it’s my responsibility to push other people up. But of course, back then, I didn’t know these things. I wasn’t mad or tired or anything. I thought I was just serving my purpose which is to help people and make them happy. You know what sucks, though? At the end of the day, no one even tells me that they’re proud of me because “of course, she’s Vee, she’s good.” It’s not like I needed anyone’s validation but it just felt sad to be wanting to celebrate something without having anyone to celebrate it with because apparently, “nothing’s ever too hard for Vee.” I mean, no one’s ever genuinely proud of me because they never saw the struggle.

My confidence also dropped in college. I felt the ugliest and most insecure about my appearance and personality. It’s also hard to voice this out without anyone ever thinking that I was just fishing for complements. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do or say what I wanted to say out loud without anyone thinking that I’m going a little too much out of my “good girl” box. I bet my college peers wouldn’t even recognize the highschool version of me and my highschool peers wouldn’t recognize the college version of me.

Do I regret being the good girl? No, of course not. I have made good memories and though they weren’t as fun as the ones I made in highschool, they’re still something. But what I regret the most is changing from a bright neon red to a pastel yellow. I used to be at full brightness back then. I was very passionate — you could see the fire in my eyes. I was cheerful, always had something to say and very transparent with what I feel. Now, I just don’t want to be “too much” of anything, scared to attract attention. I just want to be the giver, the one who cheers on the sidelines, the one who would usually go unnoticed if gone and the one who just smiles and nods and says “i’m fine, it’s fine, no worries.” There’s no one to blame, really. I like this new heart anyway. I just hate that I lost that spark in me.

I guess, my takeaway is to literally not give a FUCK about anything or anyone. I don’t want to say that I’ve wasted 4 years of my life but, maybe I really did? College could’ve been so much fun and I could’ve been into so many places and met many people if only I wasn’t the ~tamed and scared~ one. Also, please, future me, do not let go of your kindness but let go of the people who do not deserve it and don’t be scared to do that. You don’t owe them anything. It’s important to have a solid support system that grounds you too. I know that being mad at what happened wouldn’t change anything but I’d like to just put this out there to serve as a reminder that this is something that I don’t want to happen again in the future. Sometimes, I can still catch myself laughing hard but shutting up after a few seconds because I sounded too loud. Or, wanting to tweet something with a bad word but deleting it after reading it over for a few times because it may be too much. Or, wanting to approach old friends and ask them how they’re doing but realizing that I wasn’t really that close to them so the conversations may be awkward and hard to maintain.

Moving forward, I’ll continue to find who I truly am, what fits me and what really matters to me. I genuinely thought that I knew myself back then but sometimes, life just pushes you a little too hard and then you’re lost again. That’s fine, though. What a boring trip it would be if we’d all just walk in straight lines. Now, I just can’t wait to come back home... to me.

I’m afraid to say this aloud thinking that life would take the freedom away from me again but... you know, I couldn’t breathe for a long time... but now it feels like I’m breathing again. 🍃

[venicespeaks]

Who are you when no one’s watching?

[venicespeaks]

i hope one day you see this... it might be too late,

but I still love you 

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if you need me, know that i’m just standing at your door

[venicespeaks]

and you’re not here to get me through it all...

[venicespeaks]

come home... come back home...

[venicespeaks]

11.8.2019

Is it okay if I fully let go of you now?

[venicespeaks]

September 16, 2016

Hi. 

I am still alive, yes. 

I’ve been MIA here for a couple of months now. Don’t assume that I’m too busy enjoying my life because it’s the exact opposite of it. I was and still am too busy (thanks, college life) and the reason I’m in here is because the song ‘Pictures��� by Ed Prosek is playing and I AM INSPIRED. My heart. :(

I remember that it all started on July when our adviser told us that I was chosen to be the president of a new organization. I was shocked, of course. Also, I was very flattered because out of all the Tourism students in our batch, I was chosen. But I knew that I am not fit for that position. I just can’t. You know, I really don’t see myself being the “leader” of such a big thing. I couldn’t do it. I’m shy, I don’t talk much, I don’t have “great and creative” ideas, I am not born to be a leader, and... well, I could go on here but that’s a very long list and I don’t want to dive in deeper. Bottom line is... they chose the wrong person. I am not even making excuses. But my parents and friends were really happy and proud of me when I told them the news. I knew that it will help me in the future, too. They were all like, “Kaya mo yan”. But I know myself better than them and I know that they’re wrong.

I continued. Yes. Wrong move. I regret not saying “Thank you very much, Ma’am but I can’t do it.” that day. I think I’ll regret that for the rest of my life because ever since that day, all I did was to overthink and cry. If you’d ask me why did I continue even though I was miserable everyday, it’s because I don’t want to disappoint people and I thought that maybe it’s gonna get better - it didn’t. 

2 years ago, my mom forced me to join a pageant in our place. I just laughed at the thought because clearly, I am not the beauty queen type. I am not tall, I lack confidence and I am a shy kid. Still, she pushed it. Even though I was just forced to join the contest, I won. And I’m not gonna lie, that’s like one of the best experiences in my life. I gained new friends, confidence and a lot of lessons in life. I am so thankful that I listened to my parents. 

I thought the same thing’s gonna happen with this org thing. I thought that it would bring out the best in me. It didn’t. I gave it a shot and it didn’t work. All it gave me was stress, hair fall, pimples, puffy eyes from too much crying and bad vibes. 

Now, I’m just waiting for this semester to end because that’s the time that I could turn in my resignation letter.

I’ve asked myself why am I giving up so fast? Like if you really think about it, the work’s not really that hard if you’re passionate about it or if you really want it. I also wonder if I’m gonna be like this when I grow up. If I’m gonna turn down something if I don’t think that I can do it. Well, if other people are disappointed at me, I’m more disappointed at myself because I can see how immature I am when facing problems like this but I just. Ugh, I don’t even want to say “I can’t do it” because I think that those words are too overused already. But it just doesn’t make me happy, you know. It made the people around me think that I am very irresponsible. I know people won’t understand my reason because they’re not in my position - and if they are, they won’t give up that fast because they’re strong. Sigh

I don’t know. Maybe all I have to do is to stick with what they say. Like if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it. I know that in the future, not everything I’ll do is something that will make me happy but I know that maybe I’ll eventually like it (just like the pageant thing). 

So yep. That’s it. That’s what made me stressed and busy. Someday, I’ll read this post and laugh because I’m Venice and I always laugh eh. Kidding aside. I may or may not regret what I’m about to do, I mean, with the resignation letter but I know I’m gonna be okay. I really look forward to it. 

[venicespeaks]

May 15, 8:23 pm

— is in desperate need of a hug and the words "you'll be okay" that always come along with it.

[venicespeaks]

to the "pre-real pain" guy

Maybe I never got over you. Maybe the pain is still here. Maybe I can't really forget you, fucking up my emotions. You got me surprised when you suddenly messaged me this morning and asked for my number. I didn't expect it because 1.) You have a thing with this girl which I am acquaintances with. 2.) The last conversation we had was when I greeted you on your birthday. 3.) There's no reason for you to get my number. I was so shocked I even asked your mate if he knew what are you up to but he's clueless too. You can't blame me for being this scared just because you're suddenly talking to me again. The things is, you're the reason why I met that guy and thought that I am in love with him. I was so hurt because of you, I searched for the love you were supposed to give me. I truly liked you but you just left me with no reason at all. You left without even saying goodbye. You were the first one who made me think that I am never enough and look at me now, I am still holding on to that feeling. Maybe I am still mad, maybe I still have the scars you gave, maybe the pain never really went away. I don't like you anymore but I still feel that hollow feeling in my chest whenever I think of you. I can still remember that day when I found out that you have a new girl and I was left crying and crying and crying. I hope you know that 2 months later, when you held my hands and danced with me at the ball, I heard your heartbeat — it had me crying again. But even so, I am so glad you're not the guy for me because I think I can't bear being with someone who'll leave me on a Sunday morning when the sun shines bright and the world's being warm, and go back on a Thursday evening when things get ugly and life's being hard. I don't wish to be around you anymore.

[venicespeaks]

We're going to be okay.