ventingworlds

[ventingworlds]

Oh! What do you know, you're a hunk.

Oh boy, do I have some things to say. Some major changes happened since I last wrote on here. Granted, I mainly focused on my journal but I like to write on here from time to time. I'm in a relationship now! Which is great but also idk about him. He is older than me (15 years older) but he treats me with respect and gives me plenty of affection. I'm just still afraid of being in a relationship I guess. I know I always told myself I need to wait until I move out that way I can give 100% to the relationship instead of 40% when I'm living in my parents house and restricted on what I can and can't do. But he kinda came out of nowhere if that makes sense? I met him while working at as cashier before the store closed. He only came into the store like 3 times? I remember the first time I seen him, I thought he was cute. He was buying candy for his co-workers to cheer everyone up. I can't remember if I asked about the candy or he told me that later in the relationship. I complimented his wallet because I thought the Navajo design was cool as hell. I can't remember the second time but I'm sure I asked the usual how are you and etc. Ya know the pleasantries. The third time, at the end of the transaction, I asked if he wanted his receipt and he said yes. When I gave him the receipt he asked for a pen which I gave him one and he wrote down his number and gave it to me. I was thinking off and on all day whether or not to text him because I just ended dating that one pervert (we went on like, two dates, does that even count as dating) and I didn't want to deal with another perv. But I decided to bite the bullet and now we have been dating close to four months. It's crazy too because this was during the time the store was closing so it couldn't have been better timing. His a funny and kind person and I'm grateful that his in my life. That being said, I know I have my issues in regard to relationships. I have a fucking negative mindset when it comes to that topic. Admittedly, I have started to think the worst about him. Im worried that his using me and I'm worried that his fucking other people. I know that he isn't but my more irrational side of me is a lot louder than my rational side. We had our problems in the past, for example out first fight was during the second month we were dating and it was about how I was hanging out with this guy and he thought I was on a date with him. I realise that we we're both wrong in that situation but I can't help but be mad about that still sometimes. I also hate how he doesn't talk to me when his upset and just shuts down. I know what his doing and I know what he means "I'm just processing" but still. I want to fix the problem now, not tomorrow. I recognize that's a more selfish side of me that I do need to work on. But I can't help how I feel sometimes. I love him, he is the light of my life, but I can't help but doubt our relationship sometimes. It's bittersweet i think.

Also, I found out recently that only two of my references have contacted for my social application instead of three so I had to deal with that for a couple of days. I fixed it but I'm worried that i:

Won't be able to pass to get into the program

Even if I did pass, I won't be able to sign up for classes because everything has been taken

I hope that I pass and I hope everything works out in my favor.

[ventingworlds]

Updates i suppose and a weird dream

I guess i should update on some things about that "mystery guy" turns out to be a fucking weirdo. His basically ray. Lmao like down to the fuck bone. Just kinda pervy but nice. I don't feel like being with someone who is preverted in the sense of "whoa this girl is open to sex??? Maybe she'll open up her legs???" Like nah lol. Also i had a weird dream last night. It was good but weird. I had this dream where i was walking around athe campus and i was looking for someone. I think it was about the job at the campus. I wanted to meet up with the lady and see what we can do. Well, i ended up near this big room with a big window and i wanted to look at the view. Well, this older guy comes in and he starts talking to me. For some reason he ends up on those exercise bikes. Then he starts flirts with me. I turned him down but it was hesitant. Like i didn't want to turn him down because damn he was attractive but at the same time i had to go find that lady lol. Idk sometimes dreams can become a reality. Although, it looked like i was by myself which seemed to be a stretch considering the situation I'm in. Idk i think deep down i just want to bone because holy moley I'm bad at relationships lmao. Idk tho he could secretly be the love of my lite for all i know. However, it was just a dream and i really doubt that situation will happen. Anyways, i wanted to update future me with that because when i read my past posts it mentioned about that guy. Thought i clear some things and remind you he was a total loser lol anyways i hope future me is doing well. Good luck tomorrow at class and don't forget to volunteer at the senior center.

[ventingworlds]

The Girl Who Didn’t Get What She Wanted

Hahaha, holy shit okay so I was in class today (btw I switched majors now I am a social work major, not an education major) anyways, we have to choose what we want to do for our project and we had to talk about it in front of the class. And I mentioned I wanted to work on a writing event with a group to support veterans (mostly because I did this before and it was easy because I literally wrote all the postcards haha) and this one girl mentioned how she wanted to write letters to prisoners and guards and shit so I thought “hey...maybe we can combine our ideas. Might be a good idea?” so I mentioned I wanted to work together while we were in the hybrid class and she was like “lol sure I guess”. Whether we actually do that, IDK. But that isn't the meaty stuff. Some girl mentioned that she wanted to build a garden or some shit in some elementary school. Cool. That’s neat and it helps the community make a school look better. Well, after I asked if that one girl wanted to work together, the garden girl asked the class if they wanted to help with the project. Now, because this is a hybrid class my class is watching this from Deming while they are in silver city. You can fucking FEEL the awkwardness in the air in that room lmao. I had to stifle a laugh, I hope the camera didn't catch my stifled smile/laughter because holy shit my guy she got so butt hurt. She was like, “so nobody?” like??? The reason why I asked that one girl was because our projects are so similar. NO ONE wanted to garden. No one mentioned doing gardening beside her. Granted, not everyone spoke up what they wanted to do but man you can tell no one wanted to do that. There could also be a possibility that some people are shy but man she could have handled that better. The teacher (M) said hey that’s cool and it’s okay if no one wants to do that. and she was like “It sounds like nobody wants to do work on it.” (something like that) like yeah lol so? There could have been such a graceful way to approach that. like you could say, “Hey I would love to work with a group as well, if anyone is interested in gardening, I would be more than happy to work with you! :)” not have an attitude about it. I almost thought she was going to say, “It’s because I'm black, isn't?” unironically. I feel for M, he was trying to calm her down like “hey it’s okay both ways that some people don’t want to work on a project like pulling weeds and that you do. :)” Fucking so dumb lmao but I’m also excited to see if she is going to pull some dumb shit like this. 

[ventingworlds]

Aw Shit Here We Go Again

Alright! So, it’s been a while since I posted on here. Right now, instead of writing this on my phone, I’m writing this on my computer. I should be working on my assignments but oh well future me can go fuck herself lmao. Lately, I have been thinking about myself and the relationship I have with my family. It’s already been established that I..well...don’t haha. We are very different people. I am do not like camping or nature (i do like nature but I don’t want to be outside all the fucking time), I enjoy doing things at my own pace, I enjoy being social and having friends. I enjoy the company of both men and women. 

On the other hand, my family enjoys the idea of “there is only us. That’s it.” kind of mentality. They think the idea of LGBT is disgusting and the downfall of humanity. They enjoy sleeping in the fucking woods and working outside and NOT socializing. I get it though, it’s definitely a preference. However, if I were to choose between going to Overland (or whatever) and orgasm over a camper or to enjoy a nice drink with my friends, I would choose the later. Holy shit, I had to hold myself from laughing when my dad said, “There is only us. That’s it” line. It’s, like, nope there’s more to it than that. I have my friends and myself. 

Kiddo is probably going to be in the same boat as me (or not, I can’t read the fucking future). It’s only you two. You two vs. the world. I understand the pain and turmoil you two have been through. I also understand that if you two were any closer, you would be attached to the hip (you guys practically are). You know something kind of fucked? I’ve been thinking about how easier it would be if everyone died. I know, I know, it’s fucked. But sometimes I can’t help it. You guys have helped me in more ways than one from college to lending me the car. The only thing that would be perfect is if I were to leave this place. You guys don’t have to pay for it. In fact, you don’t have to pay for anything! I have a couple of places lined up. The only thing I need to do is save money. I admit these thoughts do come from a selfish, greedy place. But just like you said, “I swear to god, you're just like your mother”. 

I also wonder if you’ll be reading this and bring it up during our next little chat :). It’ll definitely prove more than one thing to me. Especially how dad sent somebody to “check in on me” while I was at SWRS. How classy of you two. Especially how I was 18 at the time which could be considered stalking. 

“Oh, we were just worried!”

“Oh, what if something happened to you!”

Bullshit.

I understand you might know everything about what I have done. But you don’t know my thoughts or my feelings. You can never be inside my mind. As much as I want a relationship with you guys, I just don’t think that’s going to happen. And I know for a fact you agree. But I think with everything that has happened, I don’t think that’s possible. But oh well. What can you do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I think that’s all that I really wanted to write about. Just organize my thoughts. Organizing my emotions. I think I’m still pissed after everything haha. Also, wouldn’t this be an invasion of privacy if you did read this  🤔 this is practically my internet diary haha 

[ventingworlds]

Oh i just thought of something, i remember i couple of customers that used literal CHANGE like pennies and shit to pay for these cigarettes. Fucking ridiculous. If you can barely afford to buy cigarettes and have to scrap for change, maybe quitting might be a good idea.

Controversial opinion: I think EBT cards should only be used to buy certain goods that aren’t candy.

I know people can buy whatever they want but man there are better ways to spend your money.

[ventingworlds]

Update from feeling kinda bummed and freaked out

Okay, so i found out i had 2 complaints made about me. One was some guy accusing me of calling him a faggot (which i'll get into in a second) and the other one was the lady i was talking about earlier. Oh bitch i have learned a lot today.

Apparently, some guy said i yelled at him and calling him a faggot amongst other vile words. I think the only reason why he thinks that way is because i have been mumbling curses and i have been getting to comfortable with it to the point i am getting noticeably louder. Im not denying i called him a faggot, i probably did, im just saying he either deserved it, thought it was directed at him but wasn't, hearing things, or didnt deserved it but i took my anger out on him. Its most likely the latter.

The lady i do feel KINDA bad about because that memory is fresh in my mind but she was acting like a bitch too (in my defense lol). However, my coworker told me some VERY interesting things about everything.

They dont believe a word they say.

I know right! Thats crazy!! I mean, im grateful dont get me wrong but holy shit the possibilities are endless. I wont do anything obviously but it's interesting. It also made me think about how I treat people (customers). I think i mentioned this before but i treat them as cattle. Not even dollar signs, just straight up cattle. With dollar signs, i would be kissing their feet and apologizing for every little thing. With cattle, you dont give a shit about that animal. Just slaughter them and eat them. But, thats not good when your working with people. I dont want to treat them as dollar signs (which i probably should lol) and i (sadly) shouldn't treat customers like cattle. I just need to do what i did in the beginning and treated them like human beings. With lives or whatever. Despite all of this, im grateful they trust me. It makes things less stressful when i inevitably get another complaint.

So that was nice. Another thing that happened today was that i talked to the guy! Mr. Stranger! He smoked which is a bummer but thats okay. I pulled a maybe dumbass move but whatever. His debit card declined and he said "yeah it probably doesn't have a lot of money, can we take something off? Like the milk" and I thought about it "hmmm is this a good idea? Do I EVEN have enough money?" I did. I bought his shit for him, it was only 7 bucks. I might have said it like a complete asshole though but i was trying to be clever. I said "hey i need to do my good deed for today." Because i thought it would be rude to move him haha. He was super surprised and the best / worst thing was the machine kept messing up and i keep trying to talk to him but im awkward as fuck so you can imagine how that went. He was super chill about it and he was like "im going to have to buy you something" i wanted to say "yeah a date" but i just said "OK!" Like a god damn school girl. We talked a bit, it was nice. I like him. If i cant go on a date, i at least want to get to know him.

I thought i would end this adventure on a positive note. Good luck future me! Hope you get a date and if not a friend and if not then i hope you passed this semester!

[ventingworlds]

Kinda bummed and freaked out

So its been a while since I posted here. Well, I suppose I can start with venting about my day today then move on from there. I got yelled at today. Well, it wasn't necessarily yelled at but it was passive aggressive? I don't know but I feel like shit. So here is how the conversation went:

Me: hello! You have four minutes until the store closes.

Lady: ....

Me: *thinking she didn't hear me so I speak louder* hello, you have four minutes until the store closes!

Lady: I heard you the first time.

I didn't say anything. All I thought was "oh okay :/"

(Four minutes passed and the store closes)

Me: hello, how was your day? (Usually bs you know how it goes)

Lady: don't start acting nice now >:(

Me: *thinking* oh okay :(

Like?? I'm sorry for speaking in a louder tone? I thought you didn't hear me. To be fair to her though, I was acting like a dick for most of the day hahaha. I did let my manager know that there was two more customers in a high octave than I normally would because I was mad she said that and I wanted them to hear it. I guess if I can't handle the heat, I should stay outta the kitchen. I'm just worried she's gonna report me to the manager but if I'm lucky she'll probably forget. However, she doesn't seem like the person to forgive and forget. Fuck me. I even cried on my way home and a little bit at home. I know in a way i did make myself cry because I was too focused on picking on the situation like a scab. I just need to move on from the situation. To detach myself from the situation, we were both human beings who didn't want to stay out this late. That's all it really boils down to. I can admit my faults in this situation and she can as well. Tomorrow will be a better day. I just need to be more positive and polite to people than I was previously. At first, I was pretty good at it but now I just see customers as cattle or dollar signs. But just like any animal (or money), you gotta treat it right. Even if that animal is being a total asshole. Because you can't just yell at an animal and expect it to understand. My main concern is my job security right now. She strikes me as a person who is petty and will tell a manager anything if it means I get fired. At that point, that's just asshole behavior 101. Hopefully, I developed a reputation long enough that they'll think she's crazy. I know kimmy and possibly Marisa and destiny would but I'm not too sure about Donna. Right now, I'm thinking of things to say during that moment or in the future. And there all either weird and/or passive aggressive.

Also, on a sad note, this interaction made me realize how lonely I am. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything I want to hear or even just fucking listen. I want to be touched. Not in a sex way but in a loving way. But, unfortunately, I have to play the long game. As much as I want a relationship, I can't date right now. When i move out, most definitely. But right now, im just wallowing in self pity and loathing right now with a hint of paranoia and pettiness. Yay me.

On the bright side, i saw mystery guy today. I havent seen him in so long i kinda forgot about him. He certainly didn't win in the generic lottery but oh boy does he have a nice voice. He said he would see me tomorrow but i think he said that because he might be an awkward person. Like, when you try to end a conversation on the phone and say "okay bye i love you " because youre so used to saying it to your friends or significant other but instead you said it to your boss. Fuck i was so awkward too. He asked me what school I went to and i said "wnm-....western. New Mexico. University." Like pausing after every word. Today just wasn't a very good day :/ hopefully tomorrow will be different. Ill try to be more polite with people especially towards those who i think dont deserve it.

Moral of the rant:

Be kinder to people but also don't sweat it when someone is acting like an asshole.

[ventingworlds]

Oh btw you fucking can buy cigarettes with ebt cards. It just has to be ebt money not good stamps. That is the most retarded thing I have ever fucking heard. My god.

Controversial opinion: I think EBT cards should only be used to buy certain goods that aren’t candy.

I know people can buy whatever they want but man there are better ways to spend your money.

[ventingworlds]

Updates, baby.

So I haven't seen him in a while so I guess that means his probably either not coming back or his going to come back whenever he needs something. Either way I think I lost my chance but that's okay.

Today was kinda rough. There was this lady (who is notoriously known for stealing baby shit) trying to buy some stuff but she kept confusing me. I don't know if i did the right thing or not. Melissa keeps telling I'm good but I feel like it's not. I hope its just me feeling with way because I'm bad with people or just I'm not used to these kinds of situations. You know what I just thought of, that bitch mumbled something under her breathe. Fuck her. God dammit . I hate those kind of people. Get a job. Stop stealing Shit. I actually feel bad for your baby. I hope she doesn't turn anything like you.

Also, I know I'm rambling but I fucking head Deming. Its filled with druggies. I want to move somewhere where I don't have to deal with people who do drugs. I don't mind marijuana but even cigarettes are giving me a hard time. I used to not care but for some reason I do now. Its probably because my job showed me how people are so reliant on them and how much money they waste. And holy fuck don't get me started on ebt cards. Apparently, I'm not the only one who feels this way about them which is good to know. Don't buy fucking garbage with them. Buy actually food like vegetables and fruit. Ya dingus. You have the money for them. More than most people! But they don't because they are either addicted to sugar or just don't fucking care. Its actually getting really annoying. I know it ain't my business what people do with their money but fuck man. Be smart about it.

[ventingworlds]

Oh shit dude

I saw him on Friday but it took way too long for my brain to register who he was. Fuck I'm so awkward but I'm starting to think its kinda funny so it's okay. What's no funny is that I have to take the nes take which I am not fucking ready for. Hopefully ill be ready before then but shit I should have done this sooner. Oh well! No use complaining about it now. I think tomorrow I'll focus on my assignments plus the interview and maybe get my friend to help me on the whole volunteering thing.

I wish you luck future me!

[ventingworlds]

Okay, cool.

So it turns out there isn't going to be inventory this month but next month there will be.

Also, whats-his-face wasn't here today which makes so much fucking sense. I hardly see him. He only ever comes by the store maybe in a occasionally Friday? Now that I think about it I only seen him one maybe two times? Could be more but that sounds right to me. I think my feelings are being tested.

Lets hope this doesn't blossom into anything.

[ventingworlds]

Fuck.

I'm honest to god not ready to go to work. Its inventory day. At least I think it is? I know its soon. F uck me, its my first time going and everyone there says its absolute hell. I'm most likely going to be on register but still I don't wanna even look at that let alone participate in it. I hope today will be a good day despite that.

[ventingworlds]

"Like let me buy a pound of fucking candy and ten cigarettes that I'll smoke within a day, please."

Bitch, no. Get your life together. I understand you can't buy cigarettes with emt cards and its not easy to kick an addiction but come on. To try to quit then in an hour say "guess I'll die!" And buy ten more cartons. I understand its not easy to kick an addiction, I'm addicted to sugar. But at least I'm trying to quit.

Controversial opinion: I think EBT cards should only be used to buy certain goods that aren’t candy.

I know people can buy whatever they want but man there are better ways to spend your money.

[ventingworlds]

Controversial opinion: I think EBT cards should only be used to buy certain goods that aren't candy.

I know people can buy whatever they want but man there are better ways to spend your money.

[ventingworlds]

Hey, you...?

Okay so i have no idea what you would call this feeling. In any other situation (boss/employee, professor/student, etc.) I would have called it infatuation and left it at that. But this is entirely different. I'm not saying I have a crush on this guy because:

1. I don't know him

2. His a customer I sometimes see when I'm working so I probably can't flirt with him

You know that feeling you get when you look at someone or talk to them and your brain goes "...huh."

Not when someone does something dumb or when you couldn't hear somebody. Its like when you see something or someone interesting like "...huh, interesting." Or maybe a "hmm...?" Might be a better description. I'm not quite sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but oh well lol. Its like that.

The very few interactions I had with him were very nice albeit awkward by both parties since I get the feeling we are both awkward by nature. I want to talk to him more but I hardly see him at the store.

My goal is when he comes to check out an item or even walk into the store, I'm going to look at him straight in the eyes instead of looking down like I sometimes do to most customers and actually chit chat with him.

Lets see if this brings up anything interesting.