verk1emptt

[verk1emptt]

Hopeless reader, any gender, canon Dazai, SFW, fluff/angst

(Destroy Myself Just For You-Montell Fish)

-He’s a horrible man-

—————————————————————

You knew what you were getting yourself into. You knew from the start… you started talking to a man, Osamu Dazai. He was infatuated with the idea of suicide, but not pain and suffering… what a combination, considering he’s already suffering… it started off as a simple friendly banter, which grew into him flirting with you. You two work together, you as an office associate in the ADA, so you’d essentially see him everyday. It got to the point where he would even occasionally take you out. Not necessarily for dinner—since he was kinda broke—but just nice late night walks, going to the beach in the evening, cute and simple things like that. Unfortunately for you, you’re a hopeless romantic. So those simple gestures made you fall unfathomably hard for this man. He was never vulnerable, never open about his past or anything of that nature, but Ranpo, feeling bad for you and what you were getting into, told you everything himself. Do you still like Dazai? Yes. Yes you do… since you know just about everything about him now, especially him being a womanizer, you weren’t sure what to do. You liked him a lot, maybe even loved him, but hearing that about him made you think otherwise of your feelings. He knows you like him, it shows in every action, every expression… he’s well aware of your feelings, aware that he’s just messing around with you for fun, simply because he’s bored, and he has no other women in his life…

It was a nice, cool, fall evening. You were just gathering your things so you could go home. You were tired, and you had two animals at home to feed… but, right when you were about to walk down the staircase to exit the ADA, you feel a hand on your shoulder. Startled from being utterly exhausted, you turn around. Only to be met with Dazai.

“Hey, are you free tonight? We could go on a walk by the beach. It’s gonna be nice tonight.” He instantly starts with a friendly smile, speaking in that soft tone he always uses when speaking to you—not even giving you a chance to speak. It seems like he really wants to hangout with you. He’s been making plans a lot more often these past few weeks…

“Oh, uh… I’m actually really tired, and I just want to go home.” Your voice is a lot quieter than usual. Dazai picks up on that and frowns. “Oh, it’s ok! I can go back to your place with you and—“ he starts, but you quickly cut him off, your voice being a bit harsher than you wanted it to be, “No, I’m not in the mood, Dazai.”

Dazai stared blankly at you, a bit shocked at how you turned him down. You never did, so why now? Are you that tired? Or is it something else? Something more? Are you sick of him already? Is someone else entertaining you? What is it? Dazais thoughts are at 100 right now, and his expression is slightly conflicted. “Oh. Alright um… well just call me if you need anything?” He mutters, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

You suddenly feel bad, but too tired to explain yourself or continue the conversation so you just give a small nod before you’re on your way.

—————————————————————

Back home now, you’ve fed and taken care of your two animals, and are able to relax. You had just got into comfortable clothing after a shower, and now you’re in bed, about to go to sleep earlier than usual with how exhausted you are. Just as you started to doze off, your phone starts dinging. With an annoyed, heavy sigh, you sit up and grab your phone to silence it—but you see it’s Dazai texting you…

>Hey. Did I do something wrong or are you just really tired today?

You sit and stare at the text, a bit confused but unsure of how to respond. He sees that you’ve left him on seen for a few minutes, and he starts to worry that maybe he did do something wrong…

>Why are you leaving me on seen? Did I do something?

He texted again after about 2 minutes. You stare down at the texts, conflicted.

No, you didn’t do anything I promise, I really am just super tired. I didn’t sleep good last night, and I just don’t feel super good.<

When he reads the text, he’s relieved that you’re not upset with him, but he still feels guilty. He calls you right after, and you immediately groan when you see the incoming call. You just want sleep… but you pick the phone up anyway, unable to deny him attention.

“What, Dazai?” You speak through the phone, laying down on the bed while your phone is up to your ear. Dazai sighs softly, and smiles on his end. “I just wanted to talk to you. Do you want to talk about anything? Why your tired? You didn’t do much today and… I’m kinda worried, yanno?” He used that same soft voice… the one you just can’t resist.

It’s silent for a moment, only your soft breathing can be heard. He’s about to say something again, but then you speak up. “I’m just tired.” Is all that’s said. Dazai sighs softly at your dry response. “I can stay on the phone with you while you sleep, if that’ll make you feel better.” He suggests softly, hoping his presence can be of comfort to you since he’s not sure why you’ve been a bit off lately.

“That’s… fine.” You say, putting your phone on speaker and getting comfy in bed. You stare off into space, sitting in a slightly awkward silence between the two of you over the phone. You decide to start up a conversation about something random, and he starts talking as well. Next thing you know, it’s almost 2am. You, as tired as could be, now still awake, talking to Dazai, seemingly full of energy and giggling…

“I thought you were tired?” Dazai asked, a slight fondness in his tone, one you’ve rarely heard from the man. Your giggling subsides and your expression softens a bit, the exhaustion hitting you once he mentions it. “Yeah… I was but it’s so easy to talk to you. I always lose track of time.” He was surprised by your honest words. He knows you like him, but that wasn’t expected. He’s easy to talk to? You enjoy talking to him…?

“You enjoy talking to me, huh?” He’d say with a small chuckle which makes you giggle in return. You mumble something unintelligible before drifting off into a light sleep—his mentioning of you being tired bringing that exhaustion back and it’s now put you into a slumber. Dazai murmurs something, and not getting a response he smiles to himself. He can hear your soft breaths through the phone, the small hums you make when you shift around. He finds himself slowly falling asleep as well, wishing he was with you directly to be close to you…

Was he really a bad and horrible man like Ranpo warned…? Or was this all a facade just to get in your pants?

—————————————————————

Today is your day off from work. It’s Saturday, a lazy day. You slept in quite late, almost til noon. When you woke up, checking the time on your phone, you notice that… Dazai is still on the phone with you. He never hung up… that makes you smile, a warm feeling starting in your chest. You sit up fully and stretch, staring down at your phone. Nothing is heard on his end, and you’re hesitant to speak, but you manage to find the words.

“Dazai? Are you awake?” Your voice is soft and slightly raspy from sleep, bringing Dazai out of his slumber. “M…hm… I’m awake.” Dazai mumbles, his voice somehow softer. It makes your heart flutter. God, are you falling even harder for this man? It’s either going to be the best thing that’s ever happened, or the worst…

“Do you… want to hangout today?” You asked him quietly, slowly getting out of bed. “Mmm… love to… I’ll get up in a bit…” His voice is slightly muffled, indicating that he’s still waking up. “Ok. We can do whatever you wanna do, I’m down for whatever.” With that, Dazai slowly gets up from his bed with a groan—probably a bit too exaggerated but it makes you laugh. A sound he oh so loves…

When you two get together, you just end up hanging out at your apartment, agreed to be lazy together. He’s not even dressed up like usual. He’s wearing comfortable clothes, like he doesn’t care if he seems a mess in front of you. He’s comfortable. You, the same. You’re still in pjs, hair is still messy and no makeup. You made a late breakfast for the two of you, and the whole time you were in the kitchen cooking, talking about something random that you’re interested in, Dazai stared at you the whole time. The look in his eyes was so loving, like he was looking at his wife… it’s hard to believe that he’s the horrible man you were warned about.

You two ended up binge watching a show, eating snacking on everything, laughing and giggling at the show, at each other, talking about random interests… for once, Dazai seems carefree, and vulnerable even… the look in his eyes is too real. There’s no way this could be fake… that is until you see who’s he’s texting on his phone. He’s texting a girl. Nothing dirty, just a normal conversation but… it hurts. Why? You’re not sure. You want him to be yours, only have eyes for you, but he’s texting another girl, while he’s right next to you…

Normally you would’ve brushed it off, but this time it bothered you. You went silent and just focused on the show, and Dazai of course, noticed. “Hey, are you ok? You’ve gone a bit quiet.” He seems concerned, genuinely. His focus is solely on you. Not his phone, not the show. You.

“You’re confusing.” Is all you say, your voice showing how you really feel. You’re conflicted, disappointed even. Dazai tilts his head, his brows furrowing. “What do you mean?” He asks, using a soft, understanding voice.

When you turn to face him, his eyes widen slightly because he can see the look in your eyes, and it honestly hurts him deeply… “Why do you look so sad?” He asks, a small frown starting to form on his face. You stare at him for a moment longer, still conflicted.

“You’re just confusing. I’m always so confused around you. I can’t tell if you’re just doing this because you want to or if you actually like me.” You mutter out, seeming to shrink down into yourself as you speak. Dazai stares at you, blinking. It finally clicks in his head what you’re talking about. What you mean, and why you’re upset…

“Oh. Am I not making it obvious enough…? I can make it more obvious.” He says simply, giving you a gentle smile—one that’s far different from the typical charming ones you’ve seen him give other women.

“You are it’s just… I’m just confused. Ranpo told me that you’re not really a good person and that I should be careful with you, but the way you act around me and treat me says otherwise… but you were also just texting another girl, i saw, so I’m just confused. I’m sorry, I’m being confusing myself.” You explain yourself to him, your words sounding conflicted and confused.

He stares at you, only you, nothing else in your apartment. He tilts his head like a curious puppy, his brows furrowing again. “Ranpo said bad things about me…?” He mumbles, almost looking upset at that revelation.

“Huh?—oh! No, no! Not bad things just… that you’re a womanizer and some stuff about your past.” You’re quick to reassure him, waving your hands to dismiss his worries.

“Oh… ok. Well, I might be a womanizer but… that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to treat women. I know how to, I just usually choose not to for my own benefit because I’m selfish.” He admits, his eyes going a bit downcast. He’s being vulnerable for once. Genuinely. You can see it in his expression…

“Right… I’m… not assuming things I’m just confused is all. I’m sorry.” Your voice is a bit quieter, and your eyes goes downcast too. You both sit in an awkward silence for some time, the only noise being the TV playing the show you were binge watching in the background, it now being forgotten…

Dazai inhales deeply and let out a soft breath, closing his eyes for a moment. He turns to look back at you, determination but also vulnerability present in his expression. “I’ve tried to get better, yknow. Since I started hanging around you more. You make me want to be better. I see how you act and how you carry yourself despite everything you’ve been through and experienced, and it makes me want to be better.” He admits, his voice a bit hushed but soft. You can see the truth in his eyes.

You stare at him for a good while, eyes wide, shock written all over your face. “Really…? I make you want to be better…?” You hesitantly ask, inching a bit closer to him on the sofa, wanting to reach out and comfort him, but being unsure at the moment…

He nods and swallows thickly, looking away again. He sits up straighter, a nervous expression on his face. His hands fidget with the blanket, and he seems conflicted himself… “Yeah, really… I don’t know what it is about you but I just… I want to be better. For myself and… for you.” He keeps avoiding your gaze, almost shy to look at you because of how vulnerable he’s being, which he’s never been vulnerable in front of others…

“Hey… look at me please?” You whisper, reaching a hand out to put over his. You gently rub your thumb over the back of his hand which makes him instantly relax. He finally meets your eyes again, but only for a second. Good enough. “There you are, hey, cmon… don’t be shy, it’s just me you know that.” You’re talking to him like he’s a child. Pathetic, but in a cute way… but you could never see him as pathetic.

When he looks up at you again, he just has this… helpless expression on his face. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think so lowly of me for being vulnerable. I’m not used to it…” he mumbles, shifting slightly on the sofa like he’s trying to move away, but he doesn’t.

“Shhh… don’t worry about it, ok? I’d never think lowly of you… it’s ok to be vulnerable, and you showing me that side means a lot to me. Just listen—id rather have you crying in my arms over being distant and out of tune with your emotions.” You reassure him in a gentle tone, retracting your hand from his—only to lift it to his face, gently cupping his cheek.

He leans into your touch like a needy puppy, a subconscious movement driven by his desire to be coddled… “I guess… it’s just hard. I’ve never had anyone in my life like you.” He admits in a hushed tone. He lifts his hand and places it over yours, but he pulls your hand away, holding it in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand while staring down at it.

“I understand… I know it’s hard. I’ve been there done that, you know since I’ve told you…—but I’m here now. Promise.” You reassure him again, hoping he’ll hear what you’re saying to him. He meets your gaze again, giving you a soft smile.

“Can you just… um… hold me?” He asks, hesitating. It really does seem like he’s being genuine… how could anyone hate him?… “Yeah, Cmere…” You’d hold your arms out for him, inviting him into your embrace.

He scoots closer, laying down on the sofa and wrapping his arms around your waist, burying his face into you chest. Your arms wrap around his head, gently stroking his hair. Everything else forgotten, only you two sharing this moment… he snuggles close to you, letting out small hums occasionally as he relaxes completely, everything fading around him. He lets his guard down for once, and with you, it feels… right. It feels good. Something he could get used to.

You two stay like that for hours… sitting on the couch comfortably, you now laying down with him on top of you, clinging to you, wanting to stay close and feel your warmth. The blanket is tossed over yours both, the only light being that from the tv that’s turned down a significant amount so you can hear each others breathing. Dazai listens to your heart beat like it’s sacred. Something he could listen to all the time… it’s so soothing.

Hes fallen asleep on top of you, comfortable and content… you fall asleep shortly after, comfortable in each others embrace and warmth… it feels so right.

—————————————————————

Sunday morning, when you wake up, you notice that you’re not longer on the couch, but your bed… when you sit up and look around, Dazai is no where in sight. You get up and look around your apartment, and you find Dazai sitting in the kitchen, staring down at his phone with a troubled look. You’re still half a sleep, so you have no clue what’s going on but, you walk over to him.

“Hey. Whats wrong?” You ask in a soft tone. When he looks up at you, he says a simple “Good morning,” then goes back to looking down at his phone. He really does seem troubled, but for what…?

“I’m trying to look up recipes to cook breakfast but I just don’t know how to cook that well and I don’t want to mess it up.” He grumbles, sighing heavily and turning his phone off. That makes you giggle a bit. He wants to cook, but doesn’t know how? Poor thing…

“I can help you.” You say with a warm smile, leaning on the counter in front of him. “Really?” He asks, his eyes lighting up. His usual cheerful demeanor shows through, one that you yourself don’t see unless he’s with other people. He’s normally soft spoken and gentle around you.

“Yes, silly. I’ll help you. What do you wanna make?” You ask with a small giggle, a small tilt in your head. “Uhhh. I wanna make pancakes. Like the ones you made yesterday, they were sooo good.” Hd practically bounces up from the chair and floats around the counter to stand in the kitchen along side you.

You two start to cook, you’re doing most of the work, just asking him to get you the stuff needed while he watches closely. You explain it all to him while you cook, like you’re teaching a child something new. He’s watching with a child-like fascination, asking little questions here and there to make sure he’s getting it right. Once done, you hand him the container of pancake batter.

“Here, you try to make a pancake. Very simple, I already did the hard part of putting it together.” He looks unsure when he takes hold of the container, but nods. He slowly starts to pour out a decent size pancake into the pan, setting the container down, then watching it closely. Once it starts to bubble on top, he flips it over and the opposite side is a perfect golden-brown. He smiles excitedly, looking over to you.

“Is that good?” He asks, eyes flicking between your expression and the pancake. “Yes, that’s perfect, actually.” You look at the pancake, a small smile on your face. He lifts the pancake up a bit, making sure the other side is cooked before lifting it up and plating it along with the rest.

You two eat breakfast, occasionally sharing a few words and comments, overall having a… wholesome moment. When you two are done eating, you go to wash the dishes—but he lightly shoves you out of the way. “I’ll do them, don’t worry.” He says with a smile, starting to wash the dishes for you. That makes you smile. He’s taking the initiative to just do something… you’re seriously so hopelessly in love with this supposed “horrible man…”

—————————————————————

(Timeskip) A few weeks go by, and you’ve noticed Dazai getting distant. You start to question yourself, your entire existence actually, wondering if Ranpo was right… when you see Dazai at work, he won’t even look at you. What’s going on? What happened? Did you do something? Did he do something…? It only started happening this last week, and it’s after you two have been hanging out more…

You decide to walk over to him to try and talk to him. “Dazai? Can we talk please?” You use your usual soft voice, standing next to his desk. He glances to the side at you, turns to look at you with a charming smile. Oh no.

“Why yes we can, belladonna. What must we talk about?” He muses, standing up from his desk chair. You stare up at him with a conflicted expression. You grab his hand and pull him out of the office into the hall. He chuckles and holds your hand in his, lightly brushing his thumb over the back of your hand.

“Dazai. What’s going on? Why are you being distant…?” You ask, concerned for his well being, wondering if that’s what’s wrong… “Hmmm… let me see… well, I’m ok personally, just bored.” He states with a small smile, like what he said didn’t just shatter your heart.

“Bored…?” You ask in a quiet tone, eyes wide. He nods. “Yeah? Bored. Don’t you ever get bored of the same things?” He shrugs his shoulders, acting nonchalantly. God you wanted to smack that smirk off of his face so horribly bad…

“I do but… you’re saying you’re bored… of me?” You ask again, brows furrowing in confusion. He nods, “Uh… that’s what I said, no?” He mutters in a sarcastic tone, seemingly not caring about your feelings at all… discarded like a piece of trash. You stare up at him blankly, a broken, helpless expression on your face.

“Right…” You’re voice is lower than usual. He can sense the hurt in it. For some reason, he actually feels… guilty. Usually he doesn’t feel guilty discarded a woman like this, but you? He does. He was love bombing you for months, just because he was bored, but you genuinely seem hurt… he doesn’t like the expression on your face.

When you walk away from him without another word, he stands there in the hallway with a blank expression of his own, thinking to himself. Should he fix it…? Should he stop avoiding you and his feelings he knows he has? Or does he just stay the horrible man he’s labeled as…? He eventually walks back into the office after you, sitting back at his desk. Ranpo deadpans at him, knowing what’s going on. Especially when he sees that expression on your face. Ranpo isn’t very good with emotional things, but he feels terrible… even though he warned you, he still feels bad for you since you always seem so warm and positive…

Ranpo walks over to you and pats your head, trying to offer some sort of support. “Hey, wanna go to the cafe down the street? I could use a small break, I know you could too.” He speaks quietly, much different from his usual loud, uncaring demeanor. When you look up at him, all you can do is nod. You can’t trust yourself to speak.

Dazai was side eyeing you two the whole time as you left the building, and he gets a weird feeling of jealously. Ok, he admits to himself that maybe he… does like you a bit. He feels a bit possessive over you, and seeing you leave with another man like that even if it’s for just a simple cafe date, it hurts him more than he’d like to admit it…

You and Ranpo, now at the cafe, both having a coffee in hand, while he also has four plates of sweets… it’s silent between you two, but then he speaks up with a mouthful of cake “Yanno, I told you—“ he starts, but you quickly cut him off. “Yes. I know you did. You don’t have to tell me.” Your voice is a bit harsh, and he can practically feel the pain and hurt radiating off of you. He feels terrible…

He swallows the cake and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, slowly opening his eyes. He rarely has them open, so the fact that he’s looking at you must mean he’s serious. “Listen. I’ve actually picked up on something, and I like Dazai truly does like you the way you like him. But unfortunately for both of you, he’s mentally unstable, as you know, so he’s not used to all that lovey dovey stuff. He’s bound to sabotage it just because.”

When you look at Ranpo, you know he’s being truthful because his eyes are open, and they’re showing the truth in his words. You sigh heavily and chug down the rest of your coffee, just shaking your head. “Whatever. I don’t have time for this stupid shit again…” You mumbled, more to yourself before pulling out some money to give to Ranpo since he bought your coffee. You get up and leave the cafe. Ranpo knew you’d do that, so he’s not going to chase after you or anything.

When you arrive back at the ADA, Dazai is immediately in front of you. He seems passive, but his words confuse you. “Why’d you go with Ranpo?” His usual soft tone is back, but it sounds more condescending… “Uhm? He was just getting me out for a little bit, that’s all.” You answer back simply, trying to go around him but he doesn’t let you.

“Y/n, wait.” He mumbles, moving in front of you to keep you from going anywhere. He has a desperate look to him, ones he’s unable to mask. “Seriously, why’d you go with him?” He asks again, wanting a better answer. He still feels jealous, and a little upset even, thinking that Ranpo is trying to make moves on you even though he knows morally that he isn’t.

“I told you—he was just trying to get me out for a bit. We barely even said a word to each other.” You’re starting to get a little frustrated now. Why does he care all of a sudden? What’s his deal? He won’t let you go around him, and he’s standing in front of you like a guard…

“That’s all that happened?” He asks, lifting a hand up to lightly caress your arm. Now you really are frustrated. You’re so conflicted that it’s making you upset, and his actions and words seem all over the place… “Jesus Christ, Dazai! I told you that’s all that happened!” That’s the first time you’ve raised your voice. Ever.

You quickly covered your mouth, realizing how unintentionally loud you just were… Dazais eyes go wide and he’s staring down at you with a blank expression. You suddenly feel guilty for yelling, but you just couldn’t help it… you’re so upset. The other ADA members looked in the direction of the hall, wondering what’s going on, but they leave it alone since they heard “Dazai,” knowing he’s probably getting yelled at, again.

Dazai is always getting yelled at. It never bothers him, but being yelled at by you…? He can feel his heart ache from it, and it looks like he’s about to cry. You’ve never seen him cry, no one has—so why now? Just because you simply yelled at him? Is he that sensitive towards you…?

“Dazai, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just so frustrated right now, and I took it out on you.” You’re quick to apologize even if he’s the reason you’re upset. You pinch the bridge of your nose, taking a deep breath to calm down. “No… it’s ok, I understand why you’re frustrated.” He mumbles in return, his voice hushed and even a bit shaky. He looks down at the floor, hands balling into fists in his pockets. For the first time in years… YEARS, he actually feels hurt from someone else’s actions. Yes he’s dealt with a lot, to the point where he’s usually numb to that stuff, but coming from you? It’s a whole different story…

“Dazai…” You say softly, feeling immense guilt now. You can hear a small sniffle from him, then a deep breath. He’s trying to compose himself, you know it… “I’m ok, I just really didn’t expect you to yell.” He says with a small chuckle, lifting his head to meet your gaze. He seems fine now… he just completely pushed down his feelings… that’s not good. He’s practically destroying himself for you with everything he’s been doing to himself, the same much as you’ve been… you’ve both been destroying yourselves for the sake of the other. How pathetic.

—————————————————————

Another few days go by, and Dazai hasn’t said a word to you. He’s not even playful and cheerful with the others. He seems completely out of it, and everyone has taken notice since he’s usually loud and annoying, causing trouble for others… it’s an extremely noticeable change…

It’s a day Dazai didn’t come into work, and you were worried all day, but there’s not much you can do… when you’re back home, you instantly lay down on your bed. You pay no attention to your animals, you don’t even make dinner for yourself or shower… you feel your phone buzz next to your head, and when you look, it’s Dazai. He’s calling you? What happened…

“Hey. Are you ok? I was just thinking about—“ He cuts you off, “Y/n.” His voice is flat, no ounce of emotion in it. You’re quiet, wondering what he has to say. When he shifts, you can faintly hear water. Is he sitting in water?

“I’m sorry. I know I’m a horrible person like everyone says. I don’t want you to think so… I’m not bored of you like I said. I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do with myself.” He starts, his voice breaking a bit when he says he doesn’t know what to do with himself… this is the most vulnerable you’ve heard him. What’s going through his head?

“No, it’s ok… I understand, Dazai. Don’t apologize… I know your… head must be a mess, I get it, I do.” You reassuring him softly, sitting up in bed. While you’re on the phone with him, you’re quietly getting some things together. You’re planning on going over to his apartment, to make sure he’s ok, because you know he won’t say much over the phone. “Where are you right now?”

He sits silently for a moment, a soft breath can be heard. “I’m… home.” He mumbles, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. “Where at home? Just at home?” You ask because you can hear water. Like he’s sitting in the bathtub or something… you’re already out the door and on your way to him. Trying to be as quiet as possible so he doesn’t know you’re about to show up. But, he does know already. He knew you’d come over. Of course he knew… there’s a small smile on his face as he hears your concern.

“Yeah… just home…” He repeats, sighing shakily. “I… don’t know what’s wrong with me. Truly. I have one genuine connection with someone and I just… lose myself completely.” He admits quietly, the pain evident in his tone. “I get it, Dazai. I do… try not to stay in your head, ok? That’s how bad things happen…” You’re quite worried. Scared even. What if he’s not safe right now? What if he’s planning on doing something he can’t turn back from…?

You finally arrive at his apartment. He kept you on the phone just until you go to his door, since he knew approximately how long it would be until you arrived. You try to open his door first before knocking—and to your surprise, his door is unlocked. Like he was expecting you… you quietly step into his mess apartment, something you grew used to, hence why he’d go to yours… you shut the door, and creep around, looking for him.

“Dazai…?” You call out softly. That’s when you hear water again. When you stand in front of the bathroom, the door is barely open. You tap on it then slowly push the door open. You see him sitting in the tub, full of water, still in his clothes. His hair is all messy, he’s all messy and soaked to the bone. His bandages are peeling off of his skin because of how soggy they are… he was already looking at you before you even opened the door…

“Dazai…” You say softly, slowly walking into the bathroom. You stand next to the tub, looking down at him. He looks up at you, and smiles. Or tries to, anyway. He looks so broken… you’ve never seen him like this before, and it hurts, honestly. Since you love him so much, his pain is yours too…

With a soft sigh, you take your shoes and jewelry off, placing them aside. You step into the tub with him, still fully clothed like him. You sit between his legs, shivering from the coldness of the water. “Jesus… you couldn’t use warm water at least?” You ask with a small bit of humor. He’s starting at you, shocked that you joined him.

“Why’d you get in with me?” He asks, slightly shifting to sit up more so you two have room in the small tub. “Why not? You’re hurting, no?” You ask, raising a brow. You curl up into yourself, shivering from the coldness of the water. It really is cold…

“I… I mean yeah but…” He stutters a bit, his eyes wide. You can see the tear stains on his cheeks and the corners of his eyes… how long was he crying for…? How long as he been sitting in this tub, even? “Your pain is mine too, Dazai.” You say softly, gazing at him with understanding. He looks flabbergasted. So shocked that you even said that, he nearly chokes.

“W…huh?” He’s genuinely shocked. He didn’t expect that, not at all… “I mean it. Your pain is mine too, you’re not alone when I’m around.” Your words hurt him, but in a good way. His heart is pounding in his chest, and he feels his face get warm. Is he… blushing?

“My pain is yours…? Why? Why would you want such a thing?” He asks, leaning closer to you with a puzzled expression, the water swishing around the two of you. “Because, Dazai…” You hesitate for a moment, but you’re not sure how else to say it. “Because I love you. Why else…?” You say quietly, a soft and understanding expression on your face.

He stares at you, his blush becoming more prominent. He feels so hot now, even in the cold water… he leans a bit closer to you, hands between his legs which are still spread since you’re sitting between them, he’s hunched over, face inches from yours, his wide eyes fixated on your soft ones… “Love. You love… me?” He questions, his tone slightly breathless.

“Of course I do, idiot. I’m a hopeless romantic, why wouldn’t I love you?” You humor him a bit, a small smile growing on your face. He seems so shocked. He’s never been told that before. His heart is going so fast… he feels so hot and flushed. What does he say? How can he express himself without being a fool?

“I love you too.” He blurts out without even thinking, like it’s a natural response. He hasn’t even fully figured out his feelings for you, but those words came out anyway… his cheeks flush even more and he looks like he’s about to cry again. His eyes are sparkling with emotion, something you’ve rarely seen out of him before. He’s gnawing on his bottom lip anxiously as he tries to process these emotions.

You smile warmly at him, lifting your wet, cold hands up to his face. You brush the hair off his forehead and out of his face, slicking it back to get a good view of his pretty face. “You’re so pretty when you show emotion. Yanno that…?” You whisper, cupping his face in your hands, thumbs brushing against his cold, damp skin.

His breath hitches, and starts to cry, choking on his own breath and words, unable to hold back to emotions. He has a blank but shocked expression, tears falling from his eyes. His bottom lip quivers, he looks so… cute. So vulnerable…

“Cmon, let’s get you out of this freezing tub.” You say softly, lightly pinching his cheeks. You stand up from the tub, soaked, clothes clinging to your body. You wring your shirt out, a look of discomfort on your face from the feeling of wet clothes. When you step out, you immediately peel off your shirt and hang it over the shower rod to dry it. Dazai isn’t even looking at your body. He’s looking at YOU.

You help him out of the tub, doing the same with his clothes. Helping him out of his button down, tossing it over the shower rod along with yours so it can dry. You unwrap his bandages and pull them off his skin since they’re all gross and soggy. He doesn’t protest, but he does feel a bit insecure at what you’re about to see.

When you see his scars, the multiple marks littering his arms, some deep, some not, some more prominent than others, you make no comment. Actually, you press a soft kiss to his arm which only makes him cry again. He’s such a mess right now. You dry him off, a small smile on your face while you do. You wrap his arms up again, carefully, mimicking perfectly how he does it, tight but not too tight. You both strip from the rest of your clothes, hanging them to dry, only in your under garments now. You dry off, and he offers you some clothes since… you have none currently.

When you put his clothes on, he stares at you like you’re the most perfect being ever. His cheeks are still flushed, eyes still glassy with unshed tears. He instantly pulls you close in a firm hug. A genuine hug, that speaks volumes despite the silence… he buries his face into your neck, wanting to be as close as possible. His thin frame is trembling a bit, and you rub your hands up and down his back to try and soothe him.

You two stay like that for quite some time. He just… needs you. In every way. He wants to be close to you, show you the love he has for you… but unable to properly express it. When he pulls back, he instantly leans in for a kiss. You’re surprised but the sudden action, but you melt into it. Like it was meant to be, meant to happen… It feels so right.

He lifts his hands to hold the sides of your neck, kissing you with such devotion and care, pouring all emotion into the simple gesture to prove his love for you since he can’t outwardly express himself. His breathing gets a bit heavier and shakier, he seems shaken up by this, but in a good way…

When he guides you back to his small bed, making sure your comfortable before laying atop of you. He breaks the kiss with a soft gasp, pressing his lips to your neck before snuggling close to you. You thought something more was going to happen—but right now, he just wants to be close to you… wants to feel your warmth, your skin against his.

He lay on you, nuzzling into your neck, humming softly in contentment, holding you close. No words are said, because the silence and closeness says enough. He’s just a broken man, wanting nothing more than to be loved…

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Pt.2 coming soon, trust.