veronicablogs1

[veronicablogs1]

A rant of a loner, please advise me!

So my class ended at 10:45. My four friends and I went to Madhur Canteen to play UNO. We played for about an hour, and when it was 11:40, they started to return to their hall/hostel.

I live far from my varsity and my bus will be at 1:30, which means I have to wait for like 1 hour and 30 minutes more to catch the bus.

I don’t have any close friends whom I can ask to stay with me for some more time. I wanted to go to TSC, but I don’t want to go alone and sit alone.

What if everyone stares at me and thinks, “Ei maiyā dekhi purai, or kono friends nai?”

I couldn’t go to TSC and sit by the corridor to enjoy today’s weather. I love to do that!

I had my breakfast today but I ate it alone in the common room.

I can catch the bus at 1:30 PM but I don’t want to go home early as there’s no peace at home. I come from a dysfunctional family where we don’t talk much to each other. If I go early, I’ll have to do things I don’t want to do. It’s not the chores it’s the people I don’t want to be around, for very personal and family reasons.

So I thought I’d go on the 4:20 bus.

I wish I had a seat in my hall so that I wouldn’t have to wander around. If I had a seat, I could socialize and spend more time with my other classmates. But the authority isn’t providing a seat, saying there’s no seat left for now and it’s been 10 months! I still don’t have a seat. I have to travel by bus every day with my migraine and physical weakness.

I don’t have close friends. I’ve socialized a lot and communicated with many, so my classmates know me, but they’re not my good friends not the kind you just hang out with.

Everyone has their own circle, their own group, but I don’t have anyone close.

Some 2–3 girls want me in their group, but the thing is I don’t like people who are too introverted.

It’s my fault that I socialized with everyone and couldn’t make any actual close friends. I can easily mix with people and I’m a people-pleaser.

Sometimes 1–2 girls use me to pass their time and I let them. I can’t say no when I see someone being alone because I know how devastating it feels to be lonely.

I do parda and I don’t want to mix much with the opposite gender. If I could, maybe I’d have had a great circle.

Even my family is conservative, so I just can’t hang out whenever I want, but the others can with their circles.

I used to wander alone around campus, but now that everyone in my class knows my face, I have to hide behind a mask or niqab.

Still, even with the niqab, they recognize me,“Eta ami.”

I feel so ashamed when they ask, “Etokkhon hoye geche ekhono ekhane keno?”

I feel terribly ashamed to answer“Amar bashay bhalo lage na kauke, amar friends nai tai eka eka ghurtēsi.”

Onke amake judge korbe bashay keno bhalo lage na?

I wish I could make you guys understand shobar family ek hoy na and shobar family te shanti thake na.

People who come from dysfunctional or broken families only they know how devastating the pressure from family can be.

I thought I’d write after I got home on the 4:30 bus. But now, as I sit in the common room alone, I feel devastated. I feel devastated that there’s no one for me on campus.

I dreamed of studying at DU and dreamed of enjoying its beauty. But I have no one to wander with, no one to just sit and stare at nature or the sky with.

No one to sit beside me at the TSC corridor.

I don’t have a close senior apu whom I can be clingy with. I’ve never been in any relationship.

I wish I were pretty enough to attract a guy.

I’m sorry for saying this I saw a couple yesterday. The girl wasn’t that beautiful. She was dark-skinned like me, and obese.

Still, she had her lover to hold her hand and listen to her chatter.

I’m not body-shaming her she’s beautiful. But I guess these are my insecurities, my lack of confidence, and the loneliness I face regularly on campus that made me say that.

I feel like crying.

Why don’t I have any friends?

I socialized so I could get to know people and understand whom I should spend time with.

There’s not a single girl waiting for me or asking, “Dost, chol ekhane jai, oita khai.”

I can choose one girl to spend time with, but no one in this class matches my vibe or my carefree personality.

Amar bashay or campus e kothao bhalo lage na.

What should I do? I couldn’t even get a seat in the hall!

Even if I did get one, I would have at least had a circle with the girls from the hall.

Uni jader sathe khellam ora ekta group jara amake asylum dey.

I just have a good connection with one girl from that group. So when I’m with the other girls, it feels awkward the silence, the lack of topics to talk about, the overwhelming feeling.

Also, the next batch will be coming this year July or August. I’ll be a senior.

Just imagine,while I’m sitting in the common room or wandering around campus alone, my juniors from my department see me and think “Apu eka eka ken, apur ki friends nai?”

Or worse, they just pity me?

What if they don’t even respect me after seeing that?

I’m not even pretty!

I’m honestly scared of what will happen when the junior batch comes not just in the department, but on the bus, and throughout campus.

My cousin got into this university what if she sees me and thinks, “That apu toh loner!”

Can I ever enjoy my campus life or this university life, with or without any friends?