viathoughts

[viathoughts]

00:26 - 04/22/2025

It's been a long day of doing nothing except being drowned in my thoughts. It's been making me feel drowsy enough that I haven't even been up for 5 hours and I already feel like I'm about to pass out. I feel awful and I'm really starting to feel the grief.

I don't know what to do. I want to reach out so badly but I know it'll be breaking my promise to myself. I know that reaching out will probably just hurt me more in the end. Then why do I want to reach out so badly?

I don't know, probably it's the fact that I have no one else. Literally. I know I'm not in the wrong here and I should definitely not be the person to reach out first, especially with what happened. It's not fair. Nothing's ever fair. Life is always unfair.

I feel like I always getting a headache when writing these things. I'm so used to keeping all these thoughts in my head and never letting them out, whether through writing, typing, or speaking. I'm not used to sharing my thoughts. But I thought it'd be better this way since no one will see this, so in a way, I'm still releasing them.

Either way, I'm still bottling it up. Suppressing my feelings. I'm not entirely sure how I found it, but I remember learning not too long ago that suppressing emotions and whatnot makes you lose memory. I didn't realize how true that was for me until I started to look back and was unable to find anything.

It's bound that I feel this pain because I'm human, after all. I can't hide it from myself but at least I can hide it from others. Of course no one will see me suffering like this-- no one will know what I had to go through and how I brought myself back up. I don't think people realize in the end that it is always themselves. When you die, you die alone.

Sometimes I wish people acknowledged the strength in the facade I put up to others. I'm someone who's extremely self-reliant and individualistic, hence why I don't rely on others. Because who would know me better than I know myself? That, and the fact that I'm incredibly stubborn and I don't really like listening to things that I don't agree with.

It's like this one quote that I've always had in mind these past few years-- "Got up on my own." That's literally how it's always been in my life, just me on my own. I didn't need anyone else to help me. It has always been me, myself, and I. I had my back when nobody didn't and I'm the only one who can change me. That's just the simple idea.

I just feel like I'm going through an entire roller coaster of emotions and I can't steer the ride and just have to accept whatever turn I pass. Sometimes I have that weird feeling in my stomach once the ride drops, but the acceleration and the thrill of the ride keeps me going. It kind of makes me laugh, thinking about it. I had a similar saying in my yearbook quote that I can't entirely remember, but it was something along the lines of, "If you feel like you're accelerating, speed up" or something like that. It sounds kind of wrong but that's how it went.

But now I'm just trying to think about how to move on. I've built myself back up before, so what's the difference now? I'll just have to get used to the silence once again. The silence that used to be my home before all of this. It's not a love or hate situation, just that the silence was always there. I'm not sure what to think.

My body's beginning to be in pain again so I guess I'll just stop here before it gets worse.

[viathoughts]

08:23 - 04/21/2025

It's 8am and I'm still not asleep. Probably due to the fact that I woke up at 9pm the previous night and my sleep schedule's extremely fucked. The semester is over, but it's completely over now. That was the last semester for what probably is the rest of my life, but it felt so anti-climatic. Probably because I'm more worried about what's ahead of me than what I'm dealing with now.

I think it also feels better to just look towards the future. Looking and hoping towards a better me and me that won't be worrying about the trivial things like the me today. As always, there's too much running through my mind to keep up and it feels like I've crashed out. Having the semester did at least help me keep a schedule, and now without it, I'm left to crash and burn. The moment classes ended, my sleep schedule did a complete 180 and here I am now.

I'm back to writing these thoughts down now, because I'm in another worse state. Not sure if it's the worst I've been in, but it's pretty bad. I know it's bad whenever I have to resort to things like this. I guess the difference is that now I'm just even more used to feeling like this that I'm just feeling apathetic more than anything else. I feel numb, and I feel stuck. I feel like I'm just in a constant state of existing but without any actual purpose. All the worries I pushed away, I guess, are coming back now.

When your mind is preoccupied with tending to someone else and a relationship, you don't have time to think about things like this. You're too busy to let it become something like this. I know it's important to always be the bigger person, but I don't really feel like taking the extra step to do that. I'm not going to reach out because I'm stubborn like that, and also with the fact that I don't think I should be the one who has to do it.

Was I not the one who had to always run back? Beg him not to leave? Beg that I would do better? Beg for him to love me? I don't want to be like that. Even if I'm in so much pain. It's painful but then again, I've hit lows like these before. I always got back up no matter what, but it just always took time.

This is most definitely for the better. I know it is because I know that our relationship is just isn't going to work out no matter what. Even if we do love each other. It's toxic and it's not helping either of us. There's no denial that we've been through too many lows over the highs and that this relationship has done nothing but pain us. For me, at least.

I gave so much love and all of myself up to the one person I thought needed it most. The person I know who should have been receiving more love. Yet, in return, all I receive is pain and heartbreak. Did I do all of that just to deserve this? After going through all of that, of course everyone's voices are echoing through my head, telling me-- "We were right", "I told you so", "Look who's in the wrong now".

Yeah, I might have turned out wrong, but so what? I was the one person to show empathy and reach out, and make an effort. I gave all the love I could give, my entire world, yet that's not enough for some people. People like him. I swear that I gave him everything and once again, I'm left alone. But I'm not going to tell myself, "I should've listened to them."

It was a decision I made entirely on my own, out of my own will. So now I'm just going to reap what I saw and deal with the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I hate myself for being a sympathetic person. I swear to myself all the time that I'm not that type of person who can sympathize so easily with people, but with someone like him, I could.

He reminded me of me and he was just painted in a light that made it feel like I needed to reach out. Someone I felt like I could love and change, and someone I'd be perfect with. But that's never the case, is it?

Suddenly I don't feel like thinking anymore and I'm only getting headaches now after writing this. It's time to stop thinking about this.