vickycastle

[vickycastle]

Mumxiety and toxic consumption

I’m going on a diet, and not a food related one. A society diet. A societ.

I can’t stop thinking about all the useless shit I’m consuming all the fucking time - toxicity, negative thoughts, feelings, gossips, pressure, anxiety, depression - all of it I’ve consumed. It’s come from somewhere and now it’s inside my brain. That stuff isn’t organically inside me, it’s come from outside. And I didn’t even notice. Yet the only thing I’m actually in control of is myself and what I put inside of me - or am I?

The problem is it’s now really hard to find the positive stuff to consume. Not because it’s not there, but because we are so bombarded with the negative stuff you’ve got to wade through the crap to find it. And you’ve got to sift through said shit with some sort of depression-defying blinkers on, in order to find some semblance of sanity and hope. 

And the whole challenge is made even harder by the algorithms that dictate our digital worlds, because they continually force-feed us even more of said crap in a self-perpetuating fuck-cycle of doom. 

Consumption is the problem, undoubtedly. But while it is entirely our choice what we eat, there is a huge issue with what society and the world is trying to feed us. 

Our society-diet (societ) is so unhealthy. For example...

I constantly feel like a shit mum, like an awful, awful, failure.  

There, I said it. My mumxiety often paralyses me because I genuinely don’t have a clue what I’m doing and am still petrified of children - yes, despite having one of my own - they can smell my fear (I think Eva can too). 

But while some of that comes from my own issues, it’s only exacerbated by the mum-economy that is built on making women feel like shit mums. 

You’re not good enough unless you: 

Only eat home-made organic food, batch cook, but also spend every second with your child. And no screen time

Go to all the baby classes: swimming/signing/baby-yoga/baby-zumba/baby-philosphy/baby-led-living/babies-are-everythinggg - otherwise your baby won’t develop properly

Buy everything new and top-of-the-range, buy little jonny 10,000 christmas presents, but don’t have spoilt children

Babywear, become one with the sling. But also don’t give your child too much attention. And don’t use certain slings. And only for a limited time.

Don’t shout, but don’t let them misbehave, especially in public 

Don’t feed them to sleep, but sleep train, only alow them to cry for 2.5 seconds, maximum, otherwise they’ll hate you forever

Breastfeed, but not for too long, or too publically, or in front of men

Go back to work, but only in convenient hours, and be prepared to have to quit when your child’s immune system doesn’t cope with the petri-dish of germs that is nursery.

Don’t put your child in nursery. But also go back to work. 

Keep an eye on their development so you catch any special needs nice and early, but every child develops differently so goodluck. 

Take full responsibility for every single aspect of your child. Become an expert in child development. Set yourself weekly exams. Fail all of them. Feel terrible about yourself. Suffocate under the desperate-self-loathing you have for yourself.

But get up and go again - and make sure you’re smiling because a child with an unhappy mum will have a horrible life and it’s all your fault.

HAPPY PARENTING. 

What a load of absolute bullshit. But this is what society tells mothers all day, every day. 

And this is what I mean about our unconscious consumption. We’re being force-fed these crippling insecurities in every avenue.

It’s not the media’s fault. It’s everyone’s fault, we’re all to blame. We do it too each other. We’re all so consumed by our own insecurities, we compare ourselves to each other all the time and exacerbate each other’s. We make each other feel bad without even meaning to because we’re so judgy about absolutely everything.

How do we stop consuming this bullshit? Serious question. Answers on a postcard please! 

[vickycastle]

We need to get a grip

Literally, all of us. 

Especially me. 

We’re so obsessed with diagnosing, understanding, finding problems when truth be told the problems will find themselves, they don’t need help. They’ll find you when they need to. 

We need to focus on positive things - finding love, support and happiness. 

Reconnecting to nature.

Having FAITH that you will be ok. Educating yourself enough to give yourself the tools to help that along. But stop searching for issues.

[vickycastle]

Hypocrisy is...

This. This makes me lose my cool completely.

I get into work at 7am on a Sunday morning to be greeted with nasty, sarcastic and shitty comments from someone. Their only point and relevance is an ego-boost for the numpty writing them. 

A quick scroll down Mr Numpty’s own Facebook and he’s preaching this stuff.

I. Can’t. Even. 

Firstly, he’s absolutely right in his Facebook post. It is okay not to be okay and we should be kind to everyone because we don’t know what they’re going through. 

But WHAT THE HELL! It’s ok to call me stupid over a timing error? 

This FB post is just another “LOOK AT ME AND FEEL SORRY FOR ME” piece of shit. Maybe if we actually did what was in this post and tried to be kind to EVERYONE then the world wouldn’t be facing the mental illness crisis it’s apparently in. 

Personally I think the bigger crisis we’ve got is that of self-obsessession and selfishness. Maybe if we tried to look after each other’s mental health a bit better and weren’t so preoccupied with our own then we wouldn’t be in this mess. 

Stop the world, I want to get off. 

[vickycastle]

Facebook follie

If you're reading a Facebook post which contains a link (to a news site such as Kent Live) after a short scroll down your newsfeed it has more-than-likely reached your newsfeed because people are interested on it/clicking it/commenting.That means your "oh em geee is dis even nooz" comment makes you look like a giant cockwomble, because lots of other people appear to think so, that's why you've seen it. As you clearly know everything about everything, you won't need me to remind you that a well-balanced view of the world probably isn't achieved by solely injesting your news through social media - at the whim of Facebook's spontantious algorithm changes.  Furthermore, if free news on a free website really does offend you that much, perhaps you should scroll on by and go click on something other than Facebook for a change. 

For FUCK sake. 

[vickycastle]

The prison of self-doubt and anxiety

I can write when I feel passionate

But passion is increasingly rare

There’s a growing list of things escaping free from my care

And I despair

Why does nothing hold my interest enough to sustain a happy life?

Maybe I am destined to just be someone’s wife

I’m torn between this forlorn dream that ‘you can be whatever you want’

and the reality that, honestly? I am completely stuck.

In a prison of my vision of the things I once believed in

I can’t be ANYthing I want to be. Because I’ve still got to be me

I’m stuck behind the brick wall of my own mind

The tired but wired anxiety cavity which swallows every word

The desperate voice to speak out and get all our voices heard

I can, but I can’t

She will, but she won’t

Then nothing is possible. And all those dreams and could bes’s become dust

My goal becomes simplistic as I cling on to just stay alive

Just one foot in front of the other

Every day exhausts me

With no passion, there’s no energy

And I don’t have the energy to find the passion

This is the prison of self-doubt and anxiety

[vickycastle]

Drug death increase

In five years (from 2010 to 2014), a total of 14,297 people in the UK have died from prescription or over-the-counter drugs. 

14,297 mothers, fathers, sisters, wives, husbands, daughters, sons...

And that number is increasing, with tricyclic antidepressant poisonings killing more and more people every year.

We’re not talking about intentional overdoses, these deaths are misadventure, or accidental overdoses. 

So that means doctors handing out extremely strong pills and people popping them like they’re smarties.

If we’re determined to fight a war on drugs, why does it not include the prescription drugs?

We’re told (rightly so) that cannabis and magic mushrooms and ecstasy are dangerous but it’s perfectly fine to be taking 100s of various prescriptions drugs, often to medicate normal social or emotional behaviours or reactions.

In 2014, antidepressants killed more people than cocaine, ecstasy and cannabis combined. 

A leading pathologist has recently spoken out against Tramadol, the opiate-based painkiller. He said the drug is catching up with the annual heroin death toll.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not seeking to undermine the value of prescription drugs, at all. They’re one of the greatest achievements of our lifetime.

Antidepressants have saved my life more than once and SSRIs have seen me through some particularly hard bouts of ultra-anxiety and panic attacks.

Medical and medicinal advice have saved many more lives than they’ve taken and we should keep researching the effects, benefits and evolution of our medicines.

But somewhere along the line, because they came with a bit of paper signed by a doctor, we somehow forgot they are still drugs.

We should still question their danger, take them with real caution and respect their risks. 

Their availability, necessity and readiness should not signal a green light to take as many as you want.

I’ve always been pro-drug legalisation, because it should lead to more research, advice and support.

But where’s the advice and support with prescription drugs?

[vickycastle]

Get over yourself

When did we all become so self-involved? 

“This isn’t good enough for me”, “I deserve this”, “Never settle for less than you deserve, “me me me me me”... 

I totally agree with having standards and stuff, but here’s a wild idea - let’s try being the person we keep demanding and expecting everyone else to be.

If you’re surrounded by dickheads and people who treat you like shit, you’re probably a dickhead who treats people like shit. 

People are so quick to put people down for not being good enough, when in reality we’re all a bit shit. 

Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect, not even you. So stop castrating everyone for not being who you want them to be.

I reckon things might be nicer if we stopped wasting energy moaning about how shit everyone is, and started attempting to be nicer people ourselves.

Listen to each other. Like, actually listen. And hear, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Take an interest in other people’s lives without making it about you. 

Accept people’s flaws and remember your judgement isn’t golden or final.

The more you judge and criticise people for not being your perception of perfect, the more you will isolate yourself from the world.

Get over yourself. Just a thought.

(This is written as advice to myself)

[vickycastle]

Radical

Nine years ago I joined the socialist party as a ‘radical’ teen who believed in the ‘radical’ idea of sharing. Cynicism took hold and I gradually slipped away -

‘Yes, they are completely right, but they’ll never get anywhere’.

Enter Corbyn, the inherently socialist leader of Britain’s main-left party. Who got somewhere. 

For years (literally, fucking ages) people have been desperately trying to get other people interested in politics again

“Look mate, of course this affects you, you should definitely vote, you can’t moan if you don’t vote.”

But they were fighting a losing battle. Because you get interested, try and take part and then you just get disappointed again. Because British politics is like choosing between two types of fried chicken when you’re a vegetarian. You don’t want it, it’s against your morals, but you can’t moan about starving if you had a choice to eat. (I am absolutely not a vegetarian btw)

A measley 66% of the electorate bother turning up to a polling station anyway and when they do, they vote in someone they don’t really want to do the job.

Enter Corbyn.

An *actual* socialist in the Labour party (shock horror) with ‘radical’ ideas about not bombing people, not spending money on bombs and not taking everyone’s money away from them.

Long-term Labour MPs were disgusted at his ‘radical’ ideas and dramatically flounced from the Cabinet.

A warmongering female-Donald-Trump-lookalike launched a leadership challenge saying ‘the Labour party needed to reconnect’ and long-term-Labour party members all cheered and whooped.

But these centre-left Labour people have entirely missed the point. Entirely.

The Labour party has reconnected.

It has reconnected with the voters who bothered to become members simply to vote in a man who actually does (finally) represent them.

It has reconnected with a completely cut-off electorate who had previously been a shambolic mess of Socialist divisions.

It has reconnected with the ‘radical’ people who believe politics is about people power.

All those Labour MPs, supporters and members who are horrified at the ‘collapse’ of the Labour party are now the disillusioned ones and really aren’t living in the real world.

Because it’s not collapse. It’s the complete opposite of collapse. This is just the beginning of Labour’s ‘radical’ new look.

[vickycastle]

[vickycastle]

The secrets of being a journalist with crippling anxiety

The number one essential skill requirement to survive as journalist is confidence. That could pretty much apply to any career but I can only speak from experience and from what I know as a lowly reporter, is that confidence is crucial. Think about it, you not only have to know what you’re talking about, you have to know it confidently enough to question it, criticise it fairly and explain it clearly. That requires a shit-load of confidence and any hint of creeping self-doubt will just stop-dead any story. Like, game over. So add daily panic attacks and constant crippling anxiety to your personal skillset CV and you’ve got one tricky situation. Tricky, yes, but not an impossible one. In fact, the challenge of having to be bravest when you’re most scared is underrated and one not explored enough in mental health research. For years we have accepted that in order to overcome your fears, you must face them. So now in the age of mental health, when everyone is one Facebook-induced drama away from drowning in our own fears, we might just well to live by that old adage. Face your fucking fears.   I’m a reporter, I spend a lot (read most) of time on the phone. But sometimes, picking up the receiver can be the hardest challenge of the day. Picture this: your head is swimming with obsessive negative thoughts. A constant circle of self-bullying much like hungry sharks circling that last shred of self esteem. A dizziness from paralysing panic that at any given second, everything will fall apart.  In just half a second you mentally checklist every fear in your head from whether your best friend will be okay to ‘shit I’m going to die.’ It’s a crowded space, that head of yours, and often it doesn’t feel like there’s even room for someone else in the conversation. So how can you pick up the phone and act normal when you’re scared of opening your mouth in case something ‘mental’ pops out? It is crippling, paralysing and really not conducive to getting good stories. But when you do it. When you use every muscle in your body to pick that phone up, silence the thoughts for a split second long enough to dial that number and speak to that person – you feel like you’ve just climbed a mountain. Genuinely. It’s like a wave of relief washes over your muscle-stiffened body that a) the phonecall is over and b) you fucking did it. Not only are you not going to get fired, but you got a great story, and you did it in the face of an debilitating, exhausting, physiological-reaction to an outdated, unnecessary mental function. Yeah you did, go you. The first point of call for obsessive anxiety suffers should be to make conscious steps to make sure you are rewarding yourself as often as you are crucifying yourself. I picked up that phone, I listened to a bunch of waffle and I asked some questions. When I hung up I mentally high-fived myself and told myself to do it again. Because if I hadn’t picked up that phone and had gone home and cried about it, I’d find it even harder to pick up the phone next time. Now here’s the thing - if I had gone home and cried, that would have been okay. No one is saying it isn’t. Mental health is personal and only you know what is best for you. That point is very important. Tailor your own wellbeing. There have been times when I’ve spent the entire morning in the toilet desperately telling myself I’m not having a stroke, that paralysing, breath-taking, heart-pounding episode is just a panic attack. And just because I wasn’t able to pick up the phone that morning, it doesn’t make me any worse, weaker or weird. I just had a different battle to win that day. And the fact I managed to walk out of the toilet at some point, and sit back at my desk was an achievement in its very own right. My point is,anxious feelings – the fight or flight mode – is an in-built reaction we developed as humans to keep us safe. However, in the modern world where we’ve built societies, laws and systems to do that for us, the instant-terror has become an unnecessary, and often problematic mental function. But for many of us, if not most of us, it’s still very much a live function. Instead now we don’t use it to determine if we should run away from the wild animal that may or may not kill us. Now we aim it at other things – like picking up the phone. And it’s exhausting to have to run through a mental ticklist of why it is completely safe to pick up the phone, the phone isn’t going to kill you, and who honestly gives a fuck if you say something stupid. My job can be quite stressful, but nothing is more stressful than spending an entire day having to power through 100 negative thoughts before I can complete simple, basic tasks. Every day is like a mountain trek. Sometimes I drive home sobbing because not only did I not make it to the top, I somersaulted back down and landed on my face at the bottom. But sometimes I drive home grinning, because not only did I pick up the phone, but I asked the right question, got the right answer and gave people a little more info about the world they live in. I tell people I became a journalist because I’d always dreamt about it. But in honesty, I barely had a clue what the job was about. I knew I liked writing and politics, so why not? Five years, three mental health diagnoses, hundreds of panic attacks and thousands of words later I can tell you it’s fuck-all like I expected. I’m not even sure I can write with sincerity that it is rewarding. It can be rewarding. But it can also be a load of bollocks where you get shafted left, right and centre. Maybe I’ll live out my days in the quiet countryside. I’ll mediate, walk dogs, do yoga and finally die in a wanky self-obsessed bubble having successfully achieved nothing except existence. Maybe I’ll remain on the sinking ship of journalism until the boat, inevitably, falls to the bottom of the sea. Maybe, just maybe, the trick is not second-guess what will happen. Not plan, or panic, or pray. Because it doesn’t matter which way the conversation goes, there is no right or wrong way, you just have to pick up the phone.

[vickycastle]

Age of Anxiety

This is the age of anxiety - a generation of worriers. And do you know why? Because communication is now so fucking instant it has crossed the boundary into invasive and perverse. Every second of every day we are spammed with Instagram/Facebook/Twitter/Email “this is how to be better” advice, without even really noticing. It’s now so commonplace it’s just a humdrum background noise. Even if you decide you want to cut yourself off from it, it’ll still smack you in the face and infect your mind through adverts. 

But even WORSE than that, we’ve even morphed into spokespeople of this ‘you must be better’ generation. The adverts don’t have to do it for us anymore, we do it to ourselves. My colleagues, friends, family and even acquaintances are always talking with a ‘how can we be better’ motive, whether they realise it or not.  It’s ingrained in us now, it’s like a sickness. Even when we think we’re relaxing, we’re not. Because we’re still trying to do something to look good, or appear good. What do you do to relax? Yoga? So that’s got nothing to do with your appearance or social appearance? How about you? Oh I just like to watch TV. What do you watch? Whichever series I’m into... So basically whatever your friends/colleagues/acquaintances have told you to watch, so you can have a conversation about how good a certain show is. I used to hate TV, thought it was a waste of time. But now I’ve found a complacent, retired love for it as it makes the small talk I’ve always struggled with a bit easier. Have you seen the new Game of Thrones?

It’s bullshit (not game of thrones, obviously). What if I don’t want to do or be better? What if I just want to be and be grateful for that?

[vickycastle]

Have ‘anuva hobby

I tried politics, had the hope sucked out of me, tried journalism, same thing happened. Fuck all the systems, and the bullshit, and the broken way people are trying to organise, criticise and direct each other. No one has a better idea of how to get things right than anyone else. We’re too busy shouting over each other to listen to each other’s points and we’re all just making it up as we go along. So for my new hobby, I’m moving in a totally different direction... banger racing!

[vickycastle]

Nigel Farage used to be a Tory! He's not against high taxes, corruption, expenses scandals, warmongering, petty laws, green scams, spying or anything of the things you're really angry about. He is exactly the same as the rest of them and he voted for many of those things before. 

The only difference between Tory Nigel and UKIP Nigel, is UKIP Nigel is now using the EU as the common enemy for those things. The truth is, he wants us to get out of the EU for the sake of nationalism. He has said he wouldn't live next door to Polish people and he doesn't really trust Romanians. 

It has absolutely nothing to do with money or immigration. Britain's rate of immigration is below average for that of everywhere else in the EU. Plus the EU has picked up the social care and health bill for hundreds of organisations that our government has pulled the rug from. 

Can the baby-boom generation (my parents generation) please back off, you've done enough damage without landing us with a terrifying ukip legacy to fix as well. Go and get another credit card and moan about the immigrants who you're too ignorant to realise keep this country afloat.

[vickycastle]

[vickycastle]

[vickycastle]

[vickycastle]