visionthatslost-blog

[visionthatslost-blog]

But If You Close Your Eyes (SL with @PromisingFire)

~THREE YEARS AGO~

Ashlee: *Things just weren’t going right. I wasn’t entirely sure how I had gotten so far behind, but I knew that I had. There was so much work to be done, and not enough time to do it in. It felt like I was drowning in a sea of knowledge, but didn’t know how to organize it all. I could only stare at the book in front of me and wonder what the hell I was going to do.

I wasn’t even sure why I was so hell bent on doing a paper on Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland. It had been one of my favorite books growing up, but turning it into a full on research paper was going to destroy any love I once had for the story. But it was just too compelling to not write a paper on.

There were more than enough topics to cover in this story. But, of course, I had to pick the one that meant I had to read the book multiple times to figure out. The Child-Swain. How the innocence of Alice makes her the only reliable source of information, and how that can translate to the world around us.

This paper was turning into a college essay about the psyche of a child, and how important it is to nurture and inform the children around us of their choices and discussions in life. It wasn’t something I had ever planned on writing out. But it was something that was completely compelling, even if it meant I spent my nights and weekends holed up in the library trying to sort out all of the information I had.

I could have been doing this at home, I knew that. But the library gave me the opportunity to spread myself out on a desk with all of the materials in front of me. But as I looked at my copy of Alice, I wanted to cry. There were post it notes sticking out from almost every page. Something I felt was important to what I was trying to write about. A phrase that proved I understood what I was talking about. I was also surrounded by different colored notebooks. Each one had their own purpose. The red notebooks were full of notes on the child psyche. I had spent weeks combing through the medical journals available to me to figure out exactly what I was looking for. Green was the notes I had made about Lewis Carroll’s life. Blue was how I was going to tie everything together into a nice neat bow before I actually started writing the full paper.

More than a few people stared at me like I was insane when I pulled out my notebooks. I could understand it. We were in a world full of technology. And here I was doing everything I could to stay away from using a computer until I needed to actually use it. Handwriting my notes was something a little more intimate to me, though. It was a way to make everything come together in my head. I couldn’t force it out. And if I was on a computer, I could write and force it to make sense. I could delete anything I deemed unimportant. But my notebooks were valuable. They made me take every piece of information I had and evaluate if it was truly important or something I just wanted to include because I liked it. 

The amount of pens and highlighters scattered around me was also a warning to anyone who thought about approaching me. I was on a mission to get some work done today. There was going to be nothing that distracted me from what I was trying to accomplish. I was absolutely going to finish the research I needed to get this paper done.*

August: -I’d seen the gorgeous young woman sitting at the table spread out with all her books, pens, and notebooks in a half a halo around her as she poured over one text or another. She’d been here plenty of times, and so had I. Las Vegas was a strange city. Most people only knew the well-lit part of the city that came to life as the sun went down. The bars, hotels and casinos were the life-blood of this city, but they were my least favorite parts of it. I’d come here to work, to work on the networks and maintenance for one of the huge casinos that lined the strip. Maybe that was why I hated them so much. I didn’t want to spend my evenings in the same places I spent my days working. 

Besides, they were always full of people and noise and lights. I preferred things a lot more quiet and settled than that half of this city could ever be. Instead, I found myself attracted to the parts of Vegas that only the locals knew about. The library was one of my favorites. Floor after floor of bookshelves and tables, with only a few people ever around to interrupt the relative silence. Even my own footsteps were muted in the huge space. 

One of the few people I had seen on more than one occasion was her. I didn’t know her name or what she was doing here, though it was pretty clear she was a student. I’d stopped myself from walking up and talking to her more times than I could count. She was gorgeous, but she was a lot younger than I was. The last thing I wanted to do was to walk over and creep her out by being some creepy older guy who was hitting on her, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling attracted enough to keep an eye out for her every time I walked through the doors. I was rarely disappointed. It seemed like every time I was there, so was she. 

I had a couple of books in hand, two novels I’d probably read a half dozen times before, though they were some of my favorites. There was an empty seat at the table across from her. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, though it was the first time I’d felt brave enough to go and slide into it as quietly as possible without trying to interrupt her. I had no idea what was going to come of any of this. I half expected her to shoot me an eat shit and die look before she went back to her work.

I couldn’t help noticing the most worn and covered in sticky notes book she had at the table with her was a copy of Alice In Wonderland. I’d spent a brief period of my teenage years more or less obsessed with Lewis Carrol. I was half tempted to say something to her about it, though that was where my courage ended for the moment.- 

Ashlee: *I wasn’t even sure what this guy was doing. My half halo of supplies was supposed to be a warning to those who came up to me. It was the best way for me to get my work done. I just needed to be alone. I could mumble to myself and try to make sense of what I was trying to get written. But when there was someone else added to the mix, I wasn’t entirely sure it was something to do. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to focus on it.

I kept stealing glances at him when he wasn’t looking, though. He was older than I was. There was no getting around that. It seemed like he was in college, or even older. I wasn’t sure. But the dark hair and dark eyes were drawing me in. They were causing a distraction I didn’t want to deal with. I had to focus on this paper. I needed to get it done today. I was tired of worrying about it. But I also knew a piece of me was going to be upset when I was finished. A whole year of work was going to go out the window for this paper. It was going to be over, and I’d be another step closer to the end of my high school experience. 

I needed to take a step back from what I was doing there. I could tell I was about to lose my temper. And I wasn’t sure if it was completely fair for me to do that with the guy sitting across from me. But the truth was that he could have picked anywhere to sit. I wasn’t sure if there was a reason he was here, though. There were a bunch of other places he could sit. But I needed to remind myself that I needed to be nice.

I pulled my hair from the high pony that sat on my head and let it fall in waves around me. My head went to the table in front of me before I sat back up and looked at the guy across the table from me.* Try to not laugh or answer when I start talking to myself. Because that will be a thing that happens.

Auggie: -I couldn’t help glancing up from my book when she pulled her hair down and let it cascade down her back and shoulders. The effect was mesmerizing, though it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that she looked a little put out that I’d plopped down in the chair across from her. I figured I owed her an apology for disturbing her space at this point and rested the book I’d been working on across my lap as I gathered my wits about myself.- 

I’ll try to remember. To be fair, I did invade your space a little, but I couldn’t help being curious what you were working on over here. And if it involves talking to yourself then I’m fairly certain my curiosity was justified. Forgive me for being a bit of a boofhead, but I was feeling nosy.

-I glanced over the pile of papers, notebooks and texts she had scattered around her, summing up that she had to be some kind of student, though it wasn’t something I could guarantee without asking, and I already looked like a damned fool around her. I wouldn’t have blamed her for telling me to get the hell out of here at this point- 

So, I was guessing you’re working on something for a class. You at NCLV? 

-It was the only university I knew of in the city, but honestly, she could have been doing anything for all I knew about her. She was a total stranger, and I was starting to be an absolute idiot now that I’d opened my mouth about all of it.- 

Ashlee: *My eyes snapped to his as soon as he opened his mouth. Vegas was a place full of accents. But I wasn’t entirely expecting the Australian lilt to come out. I felt myself blink a few times as he asked if I went to NCLV. And I was shocked for a second. But I knew that I was surrounded by books that were very collegiate. It wasn’t the first time I had gone above and beyond for a paper. But I just wanted it to be perfect.

But I could only shake my head. I couldn’t lie to him. And if he thought I was a college student, I didn’t want to lead him on. I was still underage to him, even if my magical eighteenth birthday was about a month and a half away. I felt myself whisper softly as I looked down at the pile of papers in front of me. I wasn’t entirely sure how well this information was going to go over, but he deserved the honesty.*

I’m seventeen. And all of this is for my senior research paper. I know, I’m an overachiever. And you don’t have to stay here with me if you don’t want to. I get it. I’m just a kid, and I understand that. And it might even be better for me. Because I could get some work done if you weren’t here.

Auggie:  -The fact that she was seventeen was something of a shock, though to be honest, I was terrible at deciding how old anyone was. She could have been anywhere from a high school student to a twenty-five year old for all I knew, though now I was free of any illusions as far as that went. Suddenly, I kind of did feel like a creep for sneaking up on a seventeen year old in the middle of doing her homework in the library like some kind of weird stranger danger idiot. I didn’t blame her for telling me that she’d get more work done without me here, even if was said in a half whisper- 

Hey, I’m sorry for bugging you. I know you have a lot of work to do. I’ve seen you in here plenty enough to know that whatever this senior research paper is about, you’ve poured everything you’ve got into it. It seems like you’re here every time I walk in the doors after work. Not trying to be a weirdo, you just had me genuinely curious about what you were writing. You seem to be fascinated by it, at least. 

-I had a bad habit of letting everything I was thinking come flying out of my mouth when I felt embarrassed, and right now, I was pretty damned flustered, though it was something I’d absolutely done to myself. 

I nodded towards the book sitting just by her right hand drowning in sticky notes- Lewis Carrol used to be one of my favorites when I was your age. I can understand why you’d want to use it for a research paper. 

-I’d already begun moving to push my chair away from the table to give myself room to get up and leave her alone to continue her work unabused if that was what she wanted. I could retreat and lick my wounds in private.- 

Ashlee: *I shook my head as he stood to leave the table. To be fair, I wasn’t exactly giving him a chance to do anything other than that. I didn’t even know his name, but I liked hearing that he could understand why I was writing a paper on it. And part of me wanted to ask him about my topic. I was at the point where I was too far into it, and I wasn’t sure if it was the right move to make.

Clearing my throat, I looked up at him from my spot at the table. I wasn’t sure what the right move to make was, but I was sure this wasn’t it. I should not have been inviting him to sit with me and talk about what was going on. But I couldn’t have stopped the words from falling from my lips.* If you study the book like I have, you’ll hate it. But it’s a good story. 

*Biting down on my lip, I nodded to the chair across from me. I wanted to get to know him. Even if it was just for the day, I wanted to talk to him. And it was the accent that made me stop for a second. It wasn’t anything I had heard around here. And when he mentioned that he lived here, I was thrown for another loop.*

You’re not from Vegas. You’re not even from the states. But I have no idea where you’re from. So why don’t you talk to me about it? Or we can talk about why you’re here. Or we can talk about my paper. But I don’t think that would be something that would interest you.

Auggie: -I glanced at the papers and books around her, curious at what had prompted the change. A moment ago, I would have sworn she was beyond ready for me to get up and leave her to her work. Perhaps she needed a distraction. I knew how getting too deep a project could feel, when you were lost and had no idea if your next decision was going to be the one that pushed you over the edge and ruined the entire thing. Maybe she just needed to talk it out. I could do that much for her.- 

Well, we can start with where I’m from. I was born in Australia. My family still lives there, though I moved to Vegas for a job, working for one of the casinos here building their network to connect all of the machines to the main office. As for what we can talk about, well you might be surprised what would interest me. I do understand hating something once you’ve spent far too much time on it.  It’s probably not nearly as bad as you imagine.

-I rested the book I’d been reading on the table in front of me. It was one I’d read before. I knew what was coming next, but I enjoyed reliving the experience from time to time when I was in the mood. This was proving to be far more interesting than the book would ever be. I knew I wasn’t going to regret sitting here.- 

Ashlee: *I couldn’t stop the smile from crossing my lips as he sat down across from me. There was still one piece of information missing from this whole thing. And I almost wanted to hear it. I felt my cheeks start to color ever so slightly as I registered the fact that I still didn’t know his name.* I’m Ashlee by the way. Seventeen year old senior in high school who has decided to write her final research paper on Child-Swain in Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland. That paper has, in turn, become a statement on child psychology and them importance of retaining innocence for a child.

*I had no idea what else to say about it. That statement alone made it so he knew that I was turning into an overachiever with this paper. But it was something I couldn’t exactly explain to him. I wasn’t entirely sure how to explain that to him. But it was nice to take a break from everything around me and just talk to someone. It felt like it had been ages since I had been able to take a break and not focus on schoolwork. I just needed to remind myself that this was something that was okay.*

Do you miss them? Your family, I mean. I know it can’t be easy to go back and see them often. That’s gotta be way too expensive to manage more than once a year, I would imagine. I’m sorry. You can tell me to back off if I’m being too nosy. I’m just fascinated. And it’s been a while since I’ve thought about anything other than this paper.

Auggie: -I had to admit that the topic of her paper was the last thing I would have expected to hear about from a high school senior, and probably not even most undergrads. She was an overachiever. I could hear that much in her voice. It wasn’t just the topic of the paper. It was the intensity behind it when she started talking about the child-swain and tried to make it sound nonchalant, but I also knew that was exactly the last thing she wanted to talk about right now. 

I’d thrown myself into projects so wholeheartedly before that I forgot that the rest of the world existed. I knew how welcome a distraction to actually do or talk about anything else would have been to me back then, so I decided to indulge her now.- 

Oh, I go back around Christmas time each year. It’s a little odd for me to leave here in winter and land there in the middle of summer, though being in Nevada does make the transition a little easier. But, I do miss them… I don’t mind you being a little nosy. 

-It occured to me in that moment that she didn’t even know my name when I had just found out hers- 

Since we’re getting to know each other better, my name is August. August Winters, as a matter of fact. Most people call me Auggie. 

Ashlee: *I felt my lips curve into a smile as he introduced himself. For some reason, his name fit. August Winters. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. But I could see him as Auggie. Like it was a childhood nickname that just stuck. And it worked for him. There was a boyishness to him. Not in a bad way. But it was like that name was a reminder that he needed to stay young.

But I could see the longing in his eyes. He missed his family. Even if he didn’t miss Australia, which I wasn’t sure if he did or not, he missed his family. And it wasn’t something I could understand. Well, at least not yet. It was a matter if I was going to follow the plan in my family. But that wasn’t something I was going to dwell on at the moment. I couldn’t.*

Are you the only Winters over here? Did you come with any brothers or sisters? I imagine your parents are still out there if you fly back for Christmas every year. And if you’re the only Winters here, I can imagine how lonely it gets.

Auggie: -I could see the wheels turning behind her eyes as she formulated her next question. I wasn’t sure what was going on there, but I’m sure it wasn’t any of my business. I wasn’t going to pry, though I didn’t mind her asking for more details in the slightest.- 

I’m it. The rest of my family is in Australia, so I’m kind of on my own over here. 

-She was young. Ashlee wouldn’t have had the chance to be on her own yet. I was guessing she lived with her family, though I had no way of knowing until I asked. My family was back in Australia. Just my parents and one brother.- 

And I’ve only got one brother. What about you? 

Ashlee: Just me. *I felt my shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. It had been just me and my parents for my entire life. And maybe that was why I was an overachiever. But to be honest, the pressure was there for me to be everything I didn’t want to be. I had to be the perfect daughter. I had to be everything for them because they never got the chance to have someone else. But I guess that was the burden I had to bear.*

I asked my parents for a sibling all the time when I was a kid. The response was always the same. They always said they achieved perfection on the first try. So I guess they decided they didn’t want anyone else. It’s a lot of pressure, that’s for sure. I have to be on all the time. I have to give them a reason to remember that I am the perfect child.

*This hadn’t been something I was planning. Just letting everything out to a guy I had literally just met. But at the same time, this was something I needed. And I wasn’t sure what it was about the man across from me, but I trusted him. He was probably the only person that could get me to talk like this. And that was something I had never experienced before. Shaking my head with a smile, I looked down at the scattered notebooks and highlighters.*

I’m sorry. This was probably the last thing you were expecting when you walked into the library today. I shouldn’t be spouting off my life story and having a woe is me party with you. You barely know me. And I know there are much more worse things in the world.

Auggie: -I wasn’t sure why she was apologizing. I’d sat down and asked for a conversation, and I was more than enjoying the one I was getting. Ashlee was wise beyond her years. That much was evident from everything she had to say, though I wasn’t familiar with the pressure of having to be the perfect child. My brother had been perfect enough for the two of us that I could have gotten by with slacking off for most of my life, though I didn’t have that streak in me. I could tell Ashlee didn’t either. Something told me she would have been in this library pouring herself into research whether or not her parents put that pressure on her.-

You don’t have anything to apologize for. I like hearing about whatever you want to talk about. If you need to vent then vent. If you want to rant about what kind of drugs Lewis Carrol must have been on to write that book then go for it. Or if you want to hear about my boring childhood chasing garden snakes in Australia then we can have that too. And yeah, I barely know you, but I’m sure as heck enjoying getting to know you. I don’t have a lot of friends in Vegas, and you’re by far the most interesting person I’ve had the pleasure of meeting since I got here. 

-I didn’t like the idea of her apologizing to me for sharing what was in her head. Something in me wanted Ashlee to feel like she could tell me whatever was on her mind without worrying about talking about herself or complaining. I wanted to know it all, even if she was just a kid.-

Ashlee:  *I couldn’t help but roll my eyes before looking down at the watch on my wrist. My eyes went wide as I realized the time. I should have been home an hour ago. But between the research and the guy across from me, I had completely lost track of time. I wasn’t sure what I was going to be going back home to, though.

One a good day, my parents could absolutely be understanding. It was easy enough to explain. I was at the end of this paper. I wanted it to be perfect. No other questions would be asked. And I would be free to continue on with my night. But I knew the truth. That wasn’t going to be tonight. I was going to have to deal with all the questions.

I quickly started to gather all of my things and started shoving them into my bag as I looked up to August’s face. I didn’t want to just walk away from him. I didn’t think when I grabbed my favorite pen from the table in front of me. All I did was flip his hand over and write my name and number. I couldn’t control what he did with it. But I could give it to him. And for whatever reason, I wanted him to have it.* Look. I know there’s a fine line we’re walking here. But I turn 18 in two months. I’m not going to pressure you into anything, but that’s my number. You can use it or you can lose it. I’m not going to blame you if you don’t use it. 

*I didn’t give him any time to respond. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I didn’t want to know if he was going to use it. I didn’t want to know if I was just going to be some kid to him. It wasn’t what I was hoping for. I was hoping for something. What that something was, I wasn’t entirely sure. But it wasn’t an idea I wanted to entertain for another two months.

I couldn’t stop myself from practically running out of the library and into the heat of Las Vegas. I had to get home, and I needed to wipe the smile off of my face. There was no way in hell that I wanted my parents to get curious about what happened at the library. I needed everything to be normal. But for some reason, I knew that everything was beginning to change.*

#ButIfYouCloseYourEyes

[visionthatslost-blog]

Place Your Hand In Mine (Solo SL)

*Auggie’s words kept ringing in my ear as I went to my next appointment. “What the hell is a smash cake, and why are you ordering one?” I just shook him off and took a kiss before walking out of the door. This wasn’t something he was going to understand. He didn’t know Levi and Lex like I did. And even that was a surprise to me.

I understood why Lex and I got along the way we had. Once I had broken down in her office when I thought I was pregnant, I knew things were going to be different. She had protected me in every way possible. But it was her husband that was the real surprise.

For a while, I avoided him. I could have sworn I was going to lose my job the night I practically spilled his drink on him. But to be fair, I wasn’t expecting him to curse at almost nothing. Granted, he was cursing at me. I walked up and startled him as he was looking at my boss. And good for him. She needed something to distract her from the club. I understood why it was her entire life, but she had hired capable people to take care of it when she wasn’t around.

But they had to run away and get married. And Levi protected me from afar. It was sweet of him. He knew I wasn’t necessarily comfortable with him, but he knew to watch over me. That was until Lex ran for whatever reason. It wasn’t something I ever talked about with either of them. And I wasn’t even sure if Lex knew how much Levi wasn’t in control while she was gone.

None of the other girls wanted to step up and help him. They didn’t know how to. He was the owner’s husband. It didn’t matter what our opinion was. He was going to run the business the way he wanted to run it. But I knew the truth. He was crazy about our boss. He’d do anything in his power to keep the girls from having too many problems. He didn’t want to switch things up too much. He wanted everything to stay the same.

Yet, I was still the only person that wasn’t afraid of telling him when he needed to pull his head out of his ass. It was why he knew he could rely on me when Lex was pregnant. I was the only girl that didn’t cater to his every whim. Especially when he was trying to figure out how to run the club without Lex. He needed someone that was going to tell him that he was doing this wrong. All of the other girls just stammered and called him Mr. Marck. Or Sir.

It wasn’t that I didn’t call him those things. If we were in front of people, it was always Mr. Marck. If I was feeling like a smartass in front of people, it was Sir. But if we were in the office, I didn’t bother with the Mr. Marck or Sir. He was just Levi. It was easier for me to teach him what he needed to know when he was Levi. And none of the other girls seemed to care about that. They didn’t understand that he was still trying to run this business the way it needed to be run.

But most of the girls I worked with were dumber than rocks. Yes, Lex had a good group of people around her. And it wasn’t her managers that I had a problem with. They handled things beautifully. It was everyone else. The girls that secretly talked about why Levi and Lex had gotten married. The girls that didn’t understand why he wanted her. But I could see it. It had nothing to do with their age, and everything to do with how being together felt.

The reason I understood it was the man that I had left back in the penthouse. I didn’t question the age gap between Lex and Levi because I had a very similar age gap. It wasn’t as big. Barely ten years, but it was still wide. It was wide enough to have gotten me disowned from my family. But his was different. They saw that I wasn’t after him for his money. I was with him because we made each other better.

I had only been with August Winters for close to two years, but it was a relationship I cherished. He understood me. And there was no pressure for anything that we weren’t ready for. When I thought I had been pregnant, I went back to Auggie to talk about it. He understood my fear, and was there to reassure me that it didn’t matter. It wasn’t something we had to worry about. If the time came that we had to worry, we would talk about it.

But he knew I loved my bosses. He knew I would do anything for them. Which was why I was combing bakeries in Las Vegas on my day off. I wanted to do something for them that they didn’t think about. The littlest bunny was turning one in a few weeks. And while I was sure that Levi and Lex had something planned for her at home, I didn’t know if they had anything planned for her there.

Lizzie’s birthday fell on a Sunday. Memorial Day Weekend to be exact. Which meant I still had two months to plan the entire thing. But I decided against holding it for her that weekend. I knew how busy the club could get that weekend. So I had decided it was going to be the week before. May 19th, I had arranged for Auggie to rent out the club. No one in the club knew about him, so I was safe from anyone knowing what I was planning. But I knew that I was going to have to say something to the employees before the date.

I wanted it to be a surprise for the family. I wanted Levi, Lex, and even little Lizzie to know that we all loved them. We all cherished them. And the most important thing to us was their happiness. It was something I wanted to do. Even though knew it was just going to result in me getting yelled at by either Levi or Lex. Or even both of them. But I just needed to find a bakery that could give me everything I wanted.*

#PlaceYourHandInMine