walleytopia

[walleytopia]

journaling is such a magical thing. i accidentally say the things i don't realize i'm thinking and then boom. i somehow have the things figured out. at least sorta.

i'm almost there. just gotta finish journaling i guess.

[walleytopia]

writing poetry to explore my gender through the lenses of how my parents may perceive it. it's funny how i place so much hope in my dad's poem (i write about him getting a new tattoo of my chosen first initial) despite him not really knowing me. it's funny how i always thought he'd accept me despite never truly taking upon the father figure role. i still wonder if he would have.

[walleytopia]

The green girlfriends

[walleytopia]

back after being sick and spending my nights contemplating gender, my favorite thing to do for the past seven years. to the month by the way. i cannot believe it's been seven years of hell.

honestly, i think i knew way back then. i remember crying the first time i stuck my waist-long hair into a beanie. it's no different now, i just am finally recognizing it. just not accepting it. i want to, but i just can't.

i don't want to say goodbye to my girlhood. i don't want to say goodbye to my stereotypical feminine interests. i don't want to say goodbye to my fashion sense. i don't want to goodbye to my current community.

i know that i really don't have to say goodbye to any of that. i know gender roles and rules and restrictions are made up. but, when i look inwards and pretend i have a future, a lot of those things just aren't there.

i can't see myself wearing a lot of the clothes i do if i am a guy. i can't see myself with trinkets and stuffed animals galore. i can't see myself being so deep in the alternative fashion community as i am now.

i either have to sacrifice what i know inside or sacrifice what i love, and it's cruel to pick, but i'd rather not change because i hate change (and yes, i know that's a facet of why i've held back for so long).

[walleytopia]

an introduction

admittedly, i don't expect anyone to read this blog. ever. and that's totally okay with me. i just need an outlet. but, for this to be a blog that serves the function i want it to be, i need ground rules and a little bit to be shared about me in order to see if anything actually works.

so, without further ado and from the stage of my 4 day long bed rot (i'm sick, so for once i have an excuse):

i'm wallace. walley for short.

i'm really particular about the spelling on that last part. i think it's the best spelling of it. i tried going by this name irl, but i got scared and anxious about it. i heard it used once out loud and chickened out, but it's haunted my mind for months. i don't think it's ever left my head in the year since i told my friends to cut it out. i hope one day i can use it properly. anyways. i'm 21 years old and i use they/them pronouns. might try and sneak in a he again, but who knows? that's not for today, and that's okay. aquarius sun, gemini moon and pisces rising for those who are interested.

i'm a rising senior in college who gets a scare nearly every day that i won't graduate on time, and i take it to heart each time. i'm a double major with a minor i can no longer stand, but it's been long since completed, so i'm not dropping it. i instead study writing and art history. it's fun, i like it and i suppose i can see myself having a whole lifetime of this. it's just not what i expected.

and, i guess fun things are in order. i have been getting into manga again, slowly but surely and definitely not at the pace i once was. the only one i'm caught up with is the green yuri, but i hope to refind my place in yona of the dawn and love bullet. i also really enjoy percy jackson and the webtoon hooky. my favorite musician is beabadoobee (hence my blog title, walleytopia). i crochet sometimes, play video games and collect cds. i like fashion and makeup, but i don't think my heart is truly there. i don't know what else i like. and, i suppose that's where my issue lies.

i don't really know myself.

classic. i know. person lists out a bunch of things only to scratch it all off and say "really?" but yes, really. i didn't have a high school experience, i didn't talk. i just sat on private instagram and twitter accounts and infiltrated my favorite fandoms. knew everything but wasn't in the community.

college has killed the artist in me. after all, my first major is now a minor i don't forsee myself using. going to college as an art major tends to kill off anyone who isn't in the fine arts categories, huh? it got me. i haven't drawn in over a year at this point. i think i miss it. and then, college has been a whole other deal. i think i became popular, or at least a face people recognize, to try and make up for lost time, when (once again) my heart isn't truly there. i like talking and i like my friends, but being involved on the level i am is truly exhausted and it just isn't true to me. i'm in the community, but i don't know anything.

so, i want to find myself again.

i want to say i started to get close late freshman, early sophomore year but i became icarus and bit off more than i could chew. so, i want to find a balance. i want my heart in the things i like and enjoy, i want to know what i like and enjoy. i want to draw again, maybe try my hand at art fight again. i want to write fanfiction for the first time.

i've always wanted to be a writer, i wrote original stories on wattpad for years as a tween, so why have i never cracked open ao3 and written like a true fangirl?

beyond me. but, fangirl brings up another point. i have never really gotten a grasp on my identity. gender or sexuality wise. i don't expect to find answers here, i've had eight years minimum of trying. i just want an outlet to journal i suppose.

and that's what i'm going to use this blog as. a journal. i'm going to decorate it to the point of no return, to where i couldn't factory reset it if i tried. like how a few years ago, i decided i was going to use my stickers if i liked it or not. (i've made strides on that one, but there's a select few i still cannot bring myself to use.)

i want this to be a little diary to try and help my memory and help me make myself a person again. i want a place where i can hold myself accountable, to make sure i'm actually trying to better myself. not just on a fun and hobby level with finding old animes i love and all that, but also on a human level. i'm going to post a habit tracker once i'm not sick to see if the internet will scare my depression away and let me be semi-functional. but, the fun stuff is what makes us human too, so i can't go neglecting it as i neglect my health.

i also have a summer bingo card, of which i'm not sharing due to it containing my irl friends' names and all that jazz, but i have a couple of things on there to regain my spark. i'll take you along as i go.

stop one is rereading the percy jackson series.

all of it. i've broken it into sections: percy jackson and the olympians, heroes of olympus, trials of apollo and the three (four?) new books featuring nico di'angelo and the new main series books (chalice and hekate). i'm already at 2/18, soon to be 19. i'm proud of myself.

i've said for the past three summers in a row that i'd reread the series to varying degrees of success. the farthest i've gotten is mark of athena (heroes of olympus, book 3 for those in the dark), and i suppose that progress is meant to be celebrated. but also, i've never cracked open my trials of apollo books and that must be fixed.

but for now, today i started the audiobook of the titan's curse (percy jackson and the olympians, book 3) and i will say, cheers to progress.

for now, good night. my ill body calls for the embrace of my bed, but tomorrow. tomorrow is a new day for more progress. that is, if i don't feel any worse.

if you read this far, thank you. i hope you have a lovely day.