wandering-doves

[wandering-doves]

apparently, I joined this tumblr place at 12/15/09, 11:45:59 AM.

[wandering-doves]

11.08.2024

i know it’s been a while.

i’ve been all over the place emotionally, putting on weight (which i’m very unhappy about), and just adjusting to my saturn return period. i’ve already hit two important days and have two or three more to go.

i’ve been getting into anime. i just finished watching s2 of jujutsu kaisen and it has absolutely ripped my heart out. i am in mourning for my favourite character’s. it does make me want to get into the manga though, whether i read it online or purchase them. i’m motivated to do either once quickly bc i keep getting spoilers of the manga and normally that doesn’t bother me but there is so much death of well-loved characters in this series and i’m experiencing the losses prematurely and it's too much right now. and gege - you will be hearing from my lawyers, as i'm suing for emotional distress!

my siblings have suggested i get into demon slayer. they believe i’ll really like it. while i’m not sure what it’s about, i can take a guess based on the title. i don’t know if this show will have quite as much loss as jjk but i’m not emotionally ready for it yet. instead i started watching a cute little romance anime called from me to you. it has 3 seasons and seems really sweet so far. i think this one will be good for me.

i still haven't heard from the guy on tumblr but i know he's been online, bc his blog name has changed. i thought about reaching out again but if he didnt reply to my last message, what makes me think he'll reply to this one. it's time to cut my losses and just move one from him.

i will say that each an every time i am rejected or ghosted by a man, it does some serious damage to my ego and confidence. i don't feel like i am an ugly person, physically or otherwise, but i do feel that how i look plays a major role in why i'm still single. i'm overweight and always have been. and then if someone can see past how i look, my inability to open up to people shoots me in the foot. i'm very protective of my thoughts and feelings and i dont know if that has anything to do with the fact that as a child i felt so unseen and unheard [which if you knew me as a child, you would probably be confused by that statement bc i'm a sagittarius sun/rising. even if i don't mean to, i can command the attention.]

anyway, i've been playing chihiro, wildflower and champagne coast on repeat just to feel something, after watching the love of my life die on screen.

and that's another thing. the way that Nanami is literally my perfect man drives me insane. I know that bitch may be the most straight-laced, no-nonsense person in existence but he was also sweet and loving and kind and wanted to help others and was a father figure to Yuji and he just wanted to relax on the beach in Malaysia, have a little house there where he could spend time reading 😭😭😭my selfless king, you will be missed!!

anyway, it's just after 1am now so i should probably go to bed.

[wandering-doves]

22.04.2024

around this time yesterday, i sent him a reply back.

I apologised for reacting the way that i did an being sensitive and projecting my insecurities onto him. i said it was a horrible thing to do and that he didn't deserve it.

obviously, i have not heard a response from him and honestly i didn't expect to. i was a jerk to him over something so small.

i had thought about adding a second part to my message saying that i didn't expect forgiveness but that felt like fishing so i nixed it.

i've thought about deleting my account but instead, im just taking a break. i'm ignoring all dms that come thru too, i just cant bring myself to pretend rn. all i care about is him. and it's sad to think he's thought i dont really give a fuck all this time.

i just feel stupid on so many levels.and i don't want to free myself from the guilt either, i kind of want to sit in it. [which is kind of like self-harm if i think about it for a second. instead of inflicting physical wounds, i'm inflicting emotional wounds and letting them fester. i like sitting in my pain bc i deserve it. i eat foods that are harmful to my body as a punishment bc i deserve it. i hold so much negative energy about myself bc in some fucked up way i think i deserve it. i sabotage my own happiness at every turn bc i must deserve it. men simply do not find you attractive so ofc they don't want to date you, your family couldn't give two fucks about you and your friends all eventually realise what a shit person you are. you are a victim of your own making. why are you here?]

[wandering-doves]

16.04.2024

i asked a guy i've been interacting with on tumblr for like the last 8 months, if he wanted my number and boy do i regret it [but not for the reasons you may think]

so, as i mentioned we've been getting to know each other and messaging for like 8 months. i remember the first time he messaged me... it was completely random. he'd liked a couple of posts/reblogs and followed me before reaching out and sending a simple greeting. i was naturally very suspicious as it had been years since anyone had messaged me on tumblr and since it was so out of the blue, i was very cagey and cold. he persevered another 2 days before caging up himself when i asked for his name. then he dropped off for about a month. when he returned again, it was to apologise for clamming up. i told him not to worry as he was entitled to his privacy. and then he did something that really surprised me. he gave me his name and a little snippet of his story. he told me that he was feeling lonely and wanting to make friends and that he was going to try chatting to people on here again and sort of freaked out. i let him know that i understood, as i was also being cagey. once we both were on the same page, things were okay. we would checking in every now and then, ask basic getting to know you questions and chat about our day. i got more and more comfortable with the idea of him as a friend and opened myself up to him little by little. sometimes i would reach out to him and not receive a message back for months, bc he would take breaks from tumblr [i'm assuming for his mental health, which is understandable]. he would reply when he next came online and we would chat more. he ended up seeing what i looked like through my side blog and began complimenting me on my looks. occasionally, he would ask a sexual question and i would answer it as honestly as i could. [normally, i wouldn't tolerate that shit, but i was starting to like him.] his line of questioning got more personal as time went on and it felt like maybe we were connecting. so as the months progressed, naturally, i thought maybe i wasn't delusional and that he liked me for me [i sent him a full body pic and it was received relatively well, i think] so i thought that maybe he would be interested in continuing this outside of the confines of this website and decided to work up the courage to ask him if he wanted my number. this is where it goes wrong. he meets my question with a question and i start to think that this is already a bad start and maybe i misread the situation. am i wrong for thinking that a man who's called me pretty and cute and hot would want my number? am i? well apparently, because he never ended up saying yes. this felt as good as rejection and immediately the walls came up and i started being short with him. I even wrote "i'll take that as a no then" to which he replied some bullshit like "i twasn't a no at all" and all i could think was "yeah but it wasn't a yes either", which is as good as imo. he wanted an explanation for why i wanted this bc he always assumed he was bugging me [which btw is another thing i want to touch on. in the past, he has mentioned feeling like he bugs me quite often and i thought i'd been doing enough to let him know that that was simply not the case but ofc that was his reasoning this time too] and i explained that i liked talking to him and wanted to respect the time he takes off from tumblr bc ik it can be disruptive and it was met with an "im sorry if..." and that shit makes my blood boil so i havent responded back to him. it's been over 24 hours since he replied to me. i spent that afternoon absolutely bawling my eyes out. then i spent the evening upset too. i was having big feelings, for sure and couldn't deal with them. i feel maybe i was too harsh but he was too.

anyway, i've been listening to sad music and crying abt anything and everything lmao...

[wandering-doves]

14.03.2024

it's been a while.

i have spent most of the last 2 weeks being ignored by a man and pathetically crying about it. and like it's just funny that it's always the ones who pursue you for months, who make you feel special and quell your insecurities, while using you for their own validation and emotional support. like the literal last conversation we had, he was asking me [like i fucking know] why people always ghost or block him bc it happened again??? like [hmm lemme think about that one???] have you considered that maybe you're the problem? just a thought. [smh, they never fucking self-reflect] anyway, i'm not giving another man any of my time, just to be fucking ghosted again! bc i do the fucking ghosting! mark my words, it's not fucking happening again!

but yeah - fuck it, we ball!

considering being impulsive and buying either a guitar or a keyboard. i just need something to distract me. learn a new skills. possibly turn it into an outlet for dealing with all my emotions and then turn it into a career so i can stunt on these bitches... idk, just a thought! :)

[wandering-doves]

18.01.2024

work was pretty stressful yesterday. i could feel myself getting overwhelmed and when i'm overwhelmed, i start talking badly to myself and then all i want to do is cry... so naturally i cried. my teeth we chattering and my breathing was rapid. i tried to self soothe by hugging my arms around myself and rubbing my chest area. then i remembered that i could do some tapping and maybe try to regulate my nervous system that way. i played the chakra affirmations i recorded and listened to those as i tapped the different points on my body. after a few minutes, i had really calmed down. my breathing had returned to normal, i was no longer tensing my jaw and the tears had dried.

i made musubi for the first time and frick it was so good.

it's almost 1am. i was tidying my room up before, bc tomorrow we have spencer one of the male technicians at k's work coming to spray for pests. we're a couple weeks late with the work actually. normally we do it just before christmas but bc of k's gross "boyfriend" being here, we had to delay. and ofc, in those few weeks, we've actually noticed a cockroach or two and a couple silverfish around. fuck that man, honestly!

anyway, i should be getting some sleep [i say that knowing full well that i have not been sleeping well]

[wandering-doves]

17.01.2024

god, i am tired.

[wandering-doves]

somehow this january hasn’t felt like a fresh start at all… i am waterlogged with regret and shame

[wandering-doves]

16.01.2024

feeling very tired these days. even my dentist has noticed, lol. [gosh that's sad] don't know how to go to bed/sleep at a reasonable hour. it's almost always midnight by the time i do.

i have been wanting to book myself in the redo my roots. i did my hair back in late september and it i definitely time to address the regrowth.

work has been busier and clients more difficult. it is becoming harder to handle and decompress.

yesterday, i cam home for work and basically chugged down to vodkas drinks, not long after arriving home.

its starting to feel like i'm writing for tothers. i am leading a very boring life.

[wandering-doves]

15.01.2024

is the real reason that men disrespect me bc i don't actually respect myself? like am i responsible for that shit?

you have to wonder, when it keeps happening. and like i'll straight up ignore people for weeks but bc my nsfw tumblr page keeps updating with new nsfw content, do they think it's open season? like they can treat me however they want to? is that what's actually happening?

but am i really gonna hold myself accountable for all of that? that hardly seems fair. i cannot control how people are going to be.

gosh, unrelated, but i need a fucking massage! my neck is sore as hell.

it's also getting late, should probably got to sleep...

[wandering-doves]

14.01.2024

we're two weeks into the new year and now i've missed my third entry [at least i think it's my third].

i hate to bring up men so much but god!! sometimes they're so annoying. all they want to do is talk sexually, like it just screams porn addiction. like keep it in your fucking pants honestly. you have to wonder how many other women they're harassing with questions and conversations about sex. and then when you don't engage they turn into fucking brats. you make clear boundaries with them and they still disrespect them. and they proudly take it as a challenge, like maybe if they push hard enough, they'll wear you down and you get to become just another notch in their belts. it's so gross!

anywayyyy, i've been thinking about what's in store for me this year, bc i have my saturn return hitting in a few months [for the first time around april or may]. it's supposed to be a time of big changes and lessons and growth. i have no idea if i'm actually capable of getting through the changes but we will persevere bc there is literally nothing else to be done.

well, it's after midnight and i definitely need some sleep!

should i sign off in a particular way or should i continue ending them abruptly? idk i guess i'll think about it.

[wandering-doves]

12.01.2024

i messaged back the friend i made on the astrology website from perth. he is such a lovely and interesting person. i enjoy hearing from him every few months.

i responded back to this white guy from california who's become obsessed with me bc is sexted with him one time. he will literally tell me that i am his favourite girl and message me nonstop [then again he could just be saying that, yk... like he could be saying that to a tonne of bitches, lol]

i replied back to the guy from italy who reckons he likes my body. i sent him a gif of my body-checking myself and he said that he thought i was beautiful and then got hung up on how big my titties are... then i started kind of losing interest [which is atupid bc he didn't do anything wrong but that little voice in my head likes to sabotage me, always]

since last year, i have been listening to some healing affirmations, with a focus on each chakra. i made sure to record myself saying them so i could listen to it in a familiar voice and use them subconciously.

[wandering-doves]

11.01.2024

went to the movies tonight and saw mean girls. didn't love it but didn't hate it either. but i have had the fattest crush on renee rapp since tslocg!! the audience at the movie was kind of annoying. they were all very young and it seemed like they weren't aware of the fact that it was a musical so every time someone started singing, they would make loud exclamations... like huh??? idk when it became acceptable to talk loudly through movies but that's what they did. it was disruptive asf.

i had another bitch session to my other sister about the sister with the "boyfriend" that i fucking hate, lol we are just so over those two clowns.

i had a reasonable day. got to wear my new gumboots. they were a tiny bit uncomfortable but i think with more time and wear they will reshape and feel better.

the canadian-born indian guy kept telling me how pretty he thinks i am and much he likes me and saying shit like "(he) would cook me food and delivery it to me because i deserve it" and "would give me tummy kisses and forehead kisses" and i just can't help but feel like it's just because he doesn't actually know me. he knows the persona i give to the internet. he's only seen my face, he doesn't know that i'm a fat girl. and like all these declarations of love are a little lame when you consider all the things he thinks he knows but doesn't actually know. he is a lovely guy but sometimes it feels like he's putting on a show. it doesn't feel genuine. it's how i imagine someone would act if they were lonely and looking for someone to give them attention. and in a way that applies to me also, not just him.

oh, i've also been learning some words in te reo maori. it's been interesting realising how much i know already hahahaha

[wandering-doves]

10.01.2024

i love how in my last entry i spoke about missing a day and then surprise surprise, i miss another day.

i honestly thought i'd be better at this lol

but anyway, let me do a little check-in... honestly, not much has happened here. the weather is either extremely hot or extremely rainy. i've been ignoring sexual messages from men, for my own sanity. i'm watching bojack horseman. up to s3e10. shows fucked but i can't stop watching it. got one of my other sisters interested in the new percy jackson show [before that she didn't know much about it or give a fuck hahaha]. been talking to my sister again [and just as predicted, we have not spoken about what happened. we are just going to ignore it.] oh, that's right... so i got my mirena inserted in early december [four months after my severe endometriosis diagnosis] and i had my first period on it, except that period was extremely light and extremely long. i'm used to like a solid 6-7 days, right? first day light, second day heavy, continues being heavy until at least the 4th day, backs off to a medium flow on day 5 and then backs off again to light on day 6. day 7 is bbq sauce. the heavy days are accompanied by some pretty nasty cramps and clots. my periods would be so heavy that i would used both tampons/menstrual cups and pads, plus wear period underwear for the added layer of protection. i would have to change tampons basically every hour bc i they would begin leaking in that space of time. i remember noting how many times i emptied my menstrual cup in one day, and working out how much blood loss that was equivalent to. i would take the millilitre measurement [which was like 25-27ml] and times that by the amount of times emptied [maybe like 5] and i think i came out to some ridiculous number. that mexican guy from LA has been pressuring me about getting together and dating, and wanting to plan a trip here and i've been a little distant. and closed off. that indian guy from canada has been very sweet to me and says he would be with me if we lived closer. i told him to stop sending me sexual messages and he respected that. that chilean guy from canada has been non-stop asking about my feet. i find it a little creepy and weird but also that's just what he's like. that guy from scotland is good. let me vent about the situation with my sister, bless him. really nice, very complimentary. says i should go and visit him... hahaha made a new-ish tumblr friend, from new york. has been really nice and friendly and interesting. will show me things that he's cooked. haven't heard from my bestie in connecticut since news years basically. my old work buddy has been good. let me vent to him about the sister situation, also. really supportive. i just feel like he gets me in a different way, yk?... idk hahaha

[wandering-doves]

08.01.2024

and i've missed my first day already. couldn't even make it to the 7th day of the year. smh, how disappointing!

i wasn't doing anything particularly interesting why i missed a daily entry, either lol.

yesterday, my sister was telling me that she was a little worried that she was pregnant bc her period came on early, a few days ago and was very light to begin with, which is unusual. then it settled like normal yesterday and she blew a sigh of relief.

i didn't really react to her bc i am not in support of her relationship and i wouldn't want her thinking that wanted to hear more about how careless she is being with her body and life for a man she swore she wasn't going to get back with [bc he was creeping on our other sister, who welcomed the attention and never breathed a word about it... we found out when he felt guilty about it later and admitted he was being dodgy]. like obviously i would care if there was a baby involved but there isn't, which i am thankful for.

[wandering-doves]

06.01.2024

my sister spoke to me for the first time in days, last night but it was only bc she was forced to [i came home with chicken nuggets and obviously she wanted some lol].

she was definitely hesitant to begin with and then became more and more like herself as time went on [for context, she's a gemini who talks a lot bc her brain like never shuts off and she sometimes she needs to vent and say things out loud to make sense of her thoughts, and have something like a therapy session. that is how i support her. i listen to her and provide my pov or insight on a situation and validate her feelings. now that i think about it, she relies on me giving her that time to decompress after long days at work and she starts back at work next week... can't half tell that she's getting back in with me so she can start cashing in on the free therapy 🙄].

but yeah, the topics of the evening still mostly revolved around her stupid "boyfriend" and i think she was using that as an opportunity to gauge my reactions to him being mentioned and then subtly she dropped in that she was going to go visit him in america [yuck, smh🤦‍♀️].

i don't think we're ever going to discuss what happened, we'll just ignore it like we always do until it comes to a head on random ass day and we have it out... or i'm proved right and they don't last bc that toerag of a man cannot be trusted.

i also feel like she isn't going to mention him much when it's just me and her bc my feelings about him were made very clear.

[wandering-doves]

05.01.2024

isn't it strange how someone can pick up on the fact that something is not quite right with you, through a few simple texts?

well that happened a few days ago. instinctively, i told them that i didn't want to burden them, despite actually wanting to talk to someone about what's going on, deep down. when they pressed again, letting me know that they were happy to listen if i wanted to talk, naturally, i caved. [maybe it's because they're a gemini and as a sagittarius, myself, sometimes i feel like we just get each other, lol] but honestly, it was nice to be seen for that brief moment. they let me talk my shit and then we got right back to joking around.

i think it's interesting that despite knowing each other for like 10 years and not keeping in touch for a good 60-70% of that time, they were still able to notice that something was up and cared enough to ask. they even had a few encouraging word for me to. i'm really thankful to them for doing that.