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Dark thoughts

Have you ever sat back and really thought about death? I can honestly say that with everyone going on in my life, I have. A lot actually. Which some may sat that’s terrible your pregnant how could you harm yourself, i never said I would actually do it, rather I have thought about it. Depression takes you deep deep down where there is no sunshine, you dont see a way out and instead you see that ending things would be better. I agreed to be honest so here goes. Saturday 4/29/2017 while at another wife's house for movie night I felt the depression dragging me future into it. I counted the pills I could take in my house when I got home to just end it all. I reached out to my wife's best friend, who has since the start of my relationship with my wife become a best friend to me. I told her these things I am feeling and how they are a constant thought now a days. She told me she would do whatever she needed me to do even if that took answering the phone at 4am when Im on the edge. This is the first for me to actually talk about wanting to end my life. Everything is just getting to be to much. I've thought who would actually miss me, family, friends, but what about my wife. Would she see that she is the reason I have fallen into this hole and go deeper everyday? I cuddle my dog and feel my daughter move and kick my stomach but it doesn’t snap me out of this feeling. I think about waiting until she is back from war to end the pain. that way our daughter has a parent and our dog does as well. and then I’ve also thought about texting my sister the code to our lock box outside and just leaving it at that, taking the pills to fall asleep and never wake up. I wonder would it hurt physically? Worse than the emotional pain I am feeling. I sat on the bathroom floor with the bottles in front of me staring at them, wondering if today will be the day that everything stops hurting. I've balled on the phone to my sister about the pain I am feeling and she is so angry at my wife for doing this. I've balled to my best friend about it and she always calls stating that i have done nothing wrong and my wife is the idiot who is fucking up. But those conversations dont help the pain I feel. The pain can only be healed by one person who refuses to talk to me. instead I am pushed aside so she can talk to others and ignoring my pain and suffering that she has caused but refused to work through. Im in the depression hole, falling future everyday. I have the means to take all the pain away and one day the pain will be gone. Or I will. I will continue to live each day as a new gift but I will always have the dark thought with no one to understand. 

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The past 5 days

So my readers, ha like anyone has found this. But the past five days have caused me to lose 4 pounds, cried enough to probably fill two gallons up, and I can count the number of things I have ate on just my hands and still have three fingers free. 

To start off, I snapped on my wife that angry post I made, ya i told her those things. I know i know, why did you do that. Well i was just furious!! Which brings me to telling you how I spent my weekend. Friday was an okay day, my wife acknowledge that i lost it and say it was okay. She said that she understands she dropped a bomb on her and knows I am hurting. She told me to let her think and i quote “it wont be an over night thought” So i’m like okay where getting somewhere right? Wrong! Saturday we barley talked, which in part i was allowing to happen because I wanted her to have the space she needs to breathe and think. I want this marriage and I know that, shes a little lost and my wife needs to see it as well. So naturally Saturday I tired to stay busy so I wouldn’t think about her and bug her to talk because I realized she does need some space, I mean she is in a war zone and confined to such a small space and can’t “unwind”. I took our dog for a walk, cleaned the house, and eventually settled on having a movie night with another wife later that night. Until then I cried on the couch, the bed, and the floor because of the hurt i was feeling. When I arrived at said wife's house we sat on the porch talking and I lost it to her, I started balling out of no where because I was hurting. She listened and offered her opinion on what was happening. That was the first time I let someone other than family see me ugly cry. We managed to turn the night around and I actually laughed and had a good time. Which brings me to Sunday, last night. Sunday due to me crying all weekend and not eating, naturally my body decided to say “hey fuck you bitch” and I had a horrible case of the runs. So between being on the toilet when I wasn’t on the couch crying made for an interesting day. I will admit that I fell and kept falling down the depression hole. My thought consumed me and it was one things after the other. I want to scream and yell and hit my wife for causing so much pain but then I wanted her to hold me and tell me she was sorry for all the pain she caused. I went to a dark place (more on that later). lets start with my wife messaging me at 4am and when I didn’t reply she hit me with the double texts, finally I was able to respond which I could have all along but just couldn’t get my fingers to text; instead i told her i had been puking. When she got back from a mission she started to talk about important things, so I feed off her energy and asked if we could and she replied with “i am talking” which from there I should have known not to continue the conversation but I did anyways. Which, you guessed it, lead no where but to more fighting. I laid on the floor of our daughter room balling for an hour, ignoring my best friends calling and my sister trying to facetime me. I finally pulled myself off the floor to 35 text messages (15 were from my best friend about a show we currently watch and theories on where they will take the show moving forward) the other 20 were from my sister and best friend of my wife seeing how I was doing. I got off the floor cried a little more and decided to take a drive with out dog and get some food. Both Bailey (our dog) and I enjoy a fast food place called cookout so I went there. I got back home to eat I had to force it down. I was feeling so depressed and went to the dark part of my mind that when my daughter started to do kicks and wiggle in my stomach I balled harder because of her. I have a great recording of her kicking and it was like a slap to the face. I got up off the couch, ate some food, played on the floor with bailey and texted my friends back that I was okay; that I had a panic attack but Im fine. 

As i am recording my daughter move it occurred to me that I do actually need to use this time to do some soul searching. So I made a list of things I want to do that I know bring me to joy to get me out of this funk. I know enough about my wife and the “affair” she is having to just let it be for now. I know I cannot fix our marriage while she is deployed and I will just have to wait another 145 days until she is home. But in the mean time I need to spend those 145 days getting ready for our daughter to come and getting myself back on track. Starting with a target trip, because target makes everything better.  stay tuned for whats next in my chaos. 

5/1/2017 9:27am

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Angry

Seeing as I am going to sage my house and get oils to bring positive energy in I figured I better get this post out of the way. I am livid. I will never understand why we got to this point. We were making it through this deployment great until a month ago. Im no sure what happened and I know you cant really talk about it but let me tell you about all of the shit I could do to you but wont because I do love you and want this marriage. First, honey I have a POA. basically I can sell that beloved truck and you couldn’t do anything about it. I could take out a million credit cards in your name and rack them up and you would never know. But the thing I could do that would cause the most pain and trust me I honestly thought about it, is when our lease is up, packing up and moving. I would not have to tell you where and you would never meet our daughter. Technically why we did pick out the donor together, you were at two of the many appointments I had to deal with, this child is not biologically yours at all. I do not have to put you on the birth certificate at all. I could file for divorce here in NC and then move somewhere and you would never know. 

I mean really how are you going to do this to your pregnant wife. Your half a world away and you decided to have the biggest fight of out relationship now??? Thats extremely shitty. You have launched me into a depression and trying to be “normal” while i am pregnant is extremely hard. I want to hate you so much! I have cursed your name and yelled at you walking around the house. But you know what, I don’t want to do any of the things above; rather I want to work on this marriage and fix our issue (whatever that may be since you dont communicate effectively). If by the chance you do find this know I went to that dark place above, for about an hour. I thought about where I would go and what I would do. But then I cried even harder because I don’t want that at all. I want this marriage and hopefully the next time you message me we can have a normal conversation and you will realize that things are not as bad as you have made them to be in your head. 

4/25/2017 10:14am

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4/24/2017 1:57pm

Yesterday my wife left to move up north. While we are still “fighting” if you can even call it that, she messages me “im leaving, talk soon” no goodbye babe i love you, nothing. I was angry but then I thought maybe this will help her to see that the grass is not greener on the other side and she will miss me and actually decide to having a freaking conversation about our marriage when she returns. I know those are high expectations but a girl can dream. I will settle for a normal conversation when she does return where she actually engages with me, and not just about our daughter. While she is up north I am going to do some soul searching, in part because I am a little lost and part to see what motherhood has changed in me as well. I know I still enjoy drinking every now and again and I love my books but what else have I evolved into in the three years of knowing my wife. I still paint my nails religiously, seriously if you ever see me without painted nails something is wrong!!!. I’m still a crazy potterhead. I love art, although my wife and I have never been to an exhibit, i enjoy it; I plan to visit one soon! I am a little ocd about having a clean house, so I am pushing myself to just clean up once a day, let things get a little messy. Currently I have dishes in the sink, my bed is not made, sleep clothes on the floor, and our dogs toys are all over the living room floor. I know the areas in which i need to work on myself, but what is annoying is that my wife seesm to think she is not without flaws that make me want to stab her eyes out. (I bet your thinking do we really love each other by these few post) We do lol, we just have been together for three years that our little flaws are some what annoying habits you have learned to adapt to. I cannot stand that my wife will not make a decision about where to eat, instead she will nit pick every single place and compare it to food back home! But I also love that she likes to try new places, like an African place that was delicious! It is like nails on a chalk board that she does not have a long term plan, will she stay in the army, move back home, go to school? So many annoying quirks that you just cant help but love her through. I do love so many things about her (i’m feeling a separate post for that). But this hard ship we are experiencing is beyond anyhting I have ever had to deal with. I am trying to stay positive during this time apart and do the soul searching, which by the way, yoga is freaking hard! I can only hope that my wife is doing the same, reflecting on the good times and deciding to stay with it. If not.... oh boy.... I can fuck her world up! (saving that angry post for later, im sure it will come) 

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Why the chaos?

That can be answered in a complex way. Basically my wife and I have had our issues through this marriage, doesn’t everyone? But this past week started something that I am unsure we can repair. About a month ago my wife said that things were picking up over there and that she couldn’t really talk about it. I understood seeing as what this world is coming to that she would be faced with difficult situations while I am in the comforts of our home. Rather than pushing her to talk about her days (shes not much of a talker to start with) I kept my normal attitude and tried to distract her as much as I could, I thought I as doing a good job. Did you catch that, thought. She slowly pulled away from messaging me and stopped replying for a few days and when she would message me it would be “going on a mission, talk to you soon” but the talking never happened. She would read the messages, ignoring my playful banter and not engage in conversation unless it related to our daughter. I just assumed that it was deployment blues, and depression of missing out of this pregnancy. I would send her belly pictures and the weekly updates of what was happening with our daughter and that would be the only way she would engage. As soon as that topic was discuss she would not reply to any other topic. I was frustrated, I mean who wouldn’t be. But I tired to remain my cheerful self and continue to attempt to engage her in conversation; but with no luck I failed. Instead my wife tells me that she understands she has pulled away and it bothers her to hurt me but she doesn’t want to work on things at this moment. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!!!!! after trying to discuss our relationship for three days before she moves north and we wont be able to talk everyday, she then messages me this: “I just don't see myself working on things. Especially right now. I was going to say to you today that I think we should take a break. I don't think we should jump and get divorced right now. Especially since I'm gone, your pregnant and so on.” 

Who does that to their pregnant wife??? Apparently my wife thinks that is perfectly okay to do to someone. Now this next part isn’t not for you to feel sorry for me rather than to explain a part of my life really three people know about. When something bad/painful in my life happens I resort to my anorexia ways. Its a control thing. I can’t control what is happening in my life but I can control that. But it is completely and utterly irresponsible for me to resort to that since I am pregnant. Instead I have been crying my eyes out, finally told my sister whats happening (that’s another post entirely), and pacing around my house in a daze. Their are 4.5 months left of deployment, 4 months until our daughter is here and I have no idea where my life is going. I had this picture of what I wanted but that seems so far away that I cant even begin to make a plan for myself and my daughter moving forward. Not to mention the anger I am feeling towards my wife (again that’s another post) 

So that’s the tip of the ice berg. Currently I am feeling a target trip to hopefully pick me up so I have the motivation to clean this house. 

47/23/2017 11:02am

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Happy 201st Birthday, Charlotte Brontë!

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The Basics

I’m just going to dive right on in. I’m currently 24 years old, a gradute student, married for the past two years, and 22 weeks pregnant with our first child, a girl. I’ve decided that I will only say my wife and daughter instead of using actual names in case this falls into the wrong hands. But I highly doubt anyone will read this so I guess its more for my own piece of mind. My wife is currently deployed to Iraq; you guessed it, i’m an army wife, and no this will not be about the struggles of being an army wife and how you find your family at each base, blah blah blah. Instead this will be my way of journaling my thoughts and feelings to say the least. I’ve tired the pen to paper and found myself not being honest. I like the feeling of pressing the keys and hearing the clack of the space bar and the annoying pleasure you get when you have the backspace a million times to fix one error that slipped by. I think that about covers the basics. The who, what, where, when, and why.

4/23/2017 10:39am