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Can’t stop feeling awful because I’m a terrible husband and I feel like someday John’s gonna get fed up with me and leave and it’ll never stop being a fear of mine and I wish I could just get it out of my brain but I can’t, I can’t help my fears.

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drawing with thread instead of pen today 

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Restarting.

Ignore before this please!

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I haven't been eating that much and I can't make myself care much to eat any more than some fruit and salad every now and again. It's easy to not eat on tour, when you're so busy and doing so many things. No one notices, so it's not a big deal, and I don't give a shit anymore.

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if i repress everything i should be fine in 2-5 business days

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April 25, 2017

points earned———172 total points earned———333 conversations: 10 selfies: 80 (nessa, john, gerard, julia, patty, abi, josh, cristele, yasmine, niykee, zoe, josephine, magnus, jonghyun, jack, spencer) plots: 12 (julia o'callaghan - friends/family) ask game messages: 0 (haven't been present/able to be around during them) exposisms: 50 journals: 20 pages: 0 (working on it!!) points lost———i don’t think he lost any, points were exempt and i'm posting so it won't happen again!! other muses involved———john o’callaghan, julia o'callaghan other details———oliver has been busy with touring with the maine as their photographer, having never toured before. he had a nightmare a couple weeks ago that brought to surface old (and unhappy) memories and he was a little weird when it happened. that being said, he was able to connect to julia and formed a better relationship with her by sharing his experiences with his abusive ex and the pregnancy that he convinced her to terminate, and how hard it is on him to this day. in return, julia confided in him about her own struggles in having terminated a pregnancy from a bad relationship, something that no one besides her and john's father know amongst the o'callaghan clan. he promised not to tell john, because it isn't his secret to tell; thankfully, he and john have an agreement about those sorts of things where they don't share other people's secrets with each other. other than that, oliver has been jealous and moody lately, mostly due to his own insecurities. john also has been turning into bridezilla again by controlling the planning for the wedding; when this happens, oliver tends to push only a little before shutting down. he and john discussed it after and john told him to push and fight back more, which oliver isn't used to since fighting always got him more grief in his past than it was worth. oliver, in being with john, is actively trying to break down his boundaries and bad habits formed from past relationships.

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Exposism 01.

1. What are three Netflix shows that they’ve rated five stars? Why do they like them? What do they watch when they’re sad? Relaxed? Intoxicated? The 3%, Jessica Jones, Luke Cage; he loves the 3% mostly because it's the only show he's gotten into from John, he loves Jessica Jones because of Jessica's toughness and general bitchy attitude, he loves Luke Cage for a number of reasons starting with the excellent cast and ending with the actual plot. When Oliver is sad, he will watch animated films like Finding Dory or Home, something fun and bubbly but also slightly emotional. When he's relaxed, he'll watch one of his favourite films, like The Labyrinth or any Studio Ghibli film. When he's intoxicated he generally listened to music, but he'll put on cheesy action movies or bad "horror" movies that he knows wouldn't bother John. 2. Where do they prefer to read? On the sofa, in bed, at a table, on the porch, in a cafe? What kind of material do they read? Books? Magazines? Comics? Oliver will read just about anywhere; on a soft surface is preferable because he needs to change positions often while reading, even on his meds. He mainly reads eBooks and sometimes comics and, less often, magazines though he can't escape them as a part-time model. Oli likes actual physical books but they're hard to travel with multiple books at once. He tends to jump around in his reading material, working slowly on several books at once, though sometimes can throw himself into one story with gusto. 3. Do they like to play games? What kind of games: video, card, board? What are some of their favorites? Are they competitive? Do they usually win? Oliver *loves* his PlayStation 5 with the VR Goggles he received from Sony for his birthday. He doesn't play much with the VR goggles but he does enjoy playing first person shooters and regularly plays against his friends back in London. He likes playing Mario Kart (he is excellent at it) and Super Smash. He usually wins, and he is competitive. 4. What’s their food weakness? What food can they never turn down? What foods will they never willingly touch? Oliver's food weakness is dessert, any dessert that he can eat (sweets that are gluten and dairy free); he cannot turn down shrimp tacos, whenever they are on the table. He has an eating disorder so there are many foods that he finds hard to touch, mostly calorie-laden foods and anything that is fried. 5. Do they prefer movies or TV shows? Why? What are some of their favorites? Oliver certainly prefers movies over shows, because he doesn't have the sustained attention to watch most television programs all the way through; the only ones he has finished are Stranger Things (which he is looking forward to the second series of quite enthusiastically), Skins (only the first two series), The 3%, and most of Criminal Minds. Some of his favourite movies include The Labyrinth, Anastasia, Aladdin, The Road to El Dorado, and other movies aimed at children because he is a child at heart. 6. What holiday is their favorite? Which is their least favorite? What do they do during the major holidays? Oliver's favourite holiday is either Christmas or New Years, because they hold the best memories in his opinion. He hates Father's Day and religious holidays like Easter. Since meeting John, Oliver has been spending his major holidays with the singer and creating traditions with him while spending time with John's family. He and John like to split time between Phoenix and London for holidays even though they live in Phoenix full time. 7. What’s their diet like? Are they vegetarian, vegan? Do they have any food allergies that make them have a special diet? Do they like spicy food? Homecooked or takeout? Do they cook? Oliver has an eating disorder and after years of bad eating during his addiction, he developed intolerances to gluten and dairy. He is a pescatarian where he eats seafood but has a vegetarian diet otherwise, which is in part due to his intolerance to dairy but also in part due to his eating disorder. By cutting out meat entirely, he avoids a mess of calories. He loves spicy food, and he prefers home cooked meals but does enjoy ordering food and having nights out at nice restaurants. Oli loves to cook and he and John often cook for each other. 8. What sort of toys did they play with as a child? What shows did they watch? Did they have a lot of friends growing up? When Oli was younger, he could have any toy he wanted, but mostly he just wanted pets. He's had cats, lizards, fish, and dogs, but he'd love to expand that list. He also liked to play outside on the jungle gym and swing set that was in his backyard, and as he grew he began to play video games; later on he developed a love for computer games. He didn't watch much television growing up simply because his mother thought most of it was rubbish anyway, but he did watch some classic movies with her and his stepfather, like James Bond and Star Wars. Oliver's friends growing up were mainly dictated by his parents' social circle, and those kids were older than him until he met Molly when they were 13. 9. How often do they go grocery shopping? Do they tend to do one large trip, or smaller ones throughout the week? What are 5 items on their grocery list? One large trip every two weeks or so with John, preferably, when they're both home. Oliver loves grocery shopping. Every time he goes, he needs to buy almond milk, gluten free bread, something sweet but low-calorie, bananas, and strawberries if they're in season. 10. Do they eat breakfast? What’s a typical breakfast look like for them? Do they eat breakfast foods for dinner? He doesn't eat much for breakfast and used to not eat it at all before he got his eating in order, with John's help and support. A typical breakfast usually consists of a lot of fruit and sometimes gluten free toast or granola. Oliver doesn't usually eat breakfast foods for dinner but he doesn't say no when it happens. He's become a lot less picky of an eater. 11. Do they like going to museums? What type of museums do they like to go to? Art, science, historical; interactive, quiet, a mix? They're not his favourite ever, but Oli does enjoy art and historical museums when he does go. Modern art isn't exactly pleasing to him, but he does love art galleries with photography prints on display. Quiet, please. He likes to enjoy himself with minimal distraction though he will make a comment here and there if he is with someone. 12. How do they organize their books? Alphabetical by author, by title? By size, color, date published? Is there any rhyme or reason? His bookshelf in John's room is completely unorganised, though it's kind of grouped by size of the book. He just doesn't have the patience to organise it properly. Back in the flat in London, he generally groups them by type/subject of book (his manga in one section, Shakespeare in another, etc). 13. Have they ever been do Disney World/Land, or any other amusement park? What do they prefer to do at them: go on the rides, play the games, eat the food? What is a memory they have of an amusement park? He has been to three Disney parks (California, Orlando, and Paris), and is currently in Orlando with John and went to Disney World before they were due in Brazil. He hasn't been to many amusement parks but he loves rides of all kinds, he loves playing games (DDR, fighting, racing, and claw machine games he's great at), and he generally doesn't like the food because it has been difficult to find decent food to eat without upsetting his stomach or digestive track. Oli will never forget the time he and John went to Disneyland during the early stages of seeing each other. 14. How do they eat their popcorn? What do they put on it? Do they like to share snacks? When presented with popcorn, Oli tends to pick at it one piece at a time, which is how he eats most things. He likes low calorie popcorn, no butter or cheese. He loves to share his snacks and will give them away to others if they ask. 15. When do they pay their bills? As soon as the bill comes in? At the last moment? Or are most of their bills automatically taken out of their account? ...Most of Oliver's bills are paid by his personal accountant, or by his mother who still has most of the control on his finances. They're usually on time, and most of it has been automated at this point. Any bills that Oliver takes care of personally (such as helping pay towards the house he and John live in) are usually on time but he has to be promoted beforehand to do it. He is not very good at remembering when things are supposed to happen. 16. What time do they normally go to bed? How many hours of sleep do they usually need to function in the morning? Oliver had a sleep disorder up until he started seeing a doctor about it early this year. He had severe difficulty in sleeping normally; he suffered from night terrors, sleep paralysis, and combined with his depression and anxiety, would have many dissociative moments in which he confused being asleep and being awake. Since seeing a doctor, he got on medication and has a pretty regulated sleeping routine in which he sleeps about 6 hours straight before waking up sluggishly and slowly. He will go to bed fairly early, usually before or by midnight though that can change depending on what is happening. Oliver more recently has been sleeping a lot more than usual and has been very tired. 17. Do they have cable, or do they rely mostly on Netflix, Hulu, and other streaming services? Do they use Apple Music, Spotify, or illegal downloads? Oli and John have satellite television but they also watch a lot of Netflix, and John has all the streaming services because of his addiction to television. Oliver personally uses iTunes and Google Play. 18. What is their preferred weather? What would be a perfect weather day? Even though he's from England and used to the cold weather, Oliver loves hot, sunny days, which makes Phoenix amazing (and perfect) for him. He does miss the rain and the infamous London fog and the snow up north, but in general living in Phoenix has been excellent. The perfect day weather-wise would be a 70-80 F degree day, sunny, or otherwise 80-90 F day with rain. 19. Are they more of a snacker throughout the day, or they eat three meals and call it a day? Oliver still struggles with his eating disorder so John tries to make sure that he eats 3 meals a day. Oli sometimes skips meals accidentally because he doesn't respond to being hungry the way he should from conditioning himself not to. That being said, he does tend to snack a lot which skews his hunger as well. For Oliver, eating normally has never been a thing until he started seeing John, because John was the only one who ever cared and saw it as a problem. 20. Have they ever had an imaginary friend? Describe them. When he was younger, Oliver had an imaginary puppy (something tiny like him, a mess of fur in black and white) that he tied up with ribbon in his room and locked the door so he wouldn't get out, but locked himself out of his room. His mother had to call a handyman to take the knob off because she didn't have a screwdriver much less a power drill, something that changed right after that incident. 21. What were they a part of in high school/college, if they went? Were they a part of any clubs, did they play any sports? What clique would they have been considered a part of? Oliver barely made it through his secondary education because he was so fucked up on drugs at the time. If he were given a label/clique, he would be in the druggies, or the rich kids who paid their way through the prep school he went to. He took photography classes at a nearby university and got a basic degree in photography because it was the one interest he had when he came out of the haze of drugs. He never played sports in school. 22. Do they have a favorite restaurant? How often do they go to it, and what’s their usual order? How about takeout place? His favourite restaurant is an upscale restaurant in London that requires formal dress, serves 3-5 course meals, and needs a reservation weeks in advance. He tries to go twice a year but hasn't been in months mostly due to being busy and having moved to Phoenix. He orders with the only restrictions being his dietary needs and boundaries. For takeout, there is a good pasta place that serves actually decent gluten-free pasta near their house in Phoenix that Oliver absolutely loves. 23. How do they prefer to watch movies? In the theater, on a streaming site, from an owned DVD/digital download, rented from somewhere? Oliver will honestly watch movies however and from wherever. He tends to prefer watching from the comfort of his own home, but a trip to the cinema every now and again is quite refreshing. John tends to download or stream his television shows, but as for movies they will generally purchase them to watch, either from their television provider or via DVD. He doesn't need to rent movies simply because he has the money to buy them. 24. Do they watch any sports? What are they a fan of, and what teams do they root for? Do they watch the games/matches on TV or do they try to be there for some in person? Do they just catch the highlights on their phone later on? Oliver only cares about, hilariously enough, Phoenix baseball (go Diamondbacks). This has been influenced entirely by John. The only other sport he enjoys is tennis, but he doesn't have a particular player he follows or roots for. Oliver will watch the games with John when they're broadcasted, though they will try to make it to some of the games during the season. 25. What do they prefer to do in the summertime? Do they like going to the beach, do they prefer camping, staying in the city? Do they like to stay indoors and away from the heat? In the summer, Oliver loves to be outside. He absolutely adores the beach, but anything outdoors is excellent. He enjoys hiking and long walks in nature, and his favourite summer activity is swimming. Oliver has never really been camping properly, as his mother and stepfather generally rented a cabin or an RV when they made treks to the woods. Having never experienced a Phoenix summer, however, Oliver predicts that he'll be indoors for the most part because it will probably be too hot for him.

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*sees myself slowly becoming less and less important to someone*

welp time 2 isolate

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someone: *doesnt respond to my text with the same amount of enthusiasm as me*

me: well i guess im annoying im too much and they hate me

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journal #02.

I don’t like getting jealous because it makes me feel crazy… but here I am feeling jealous and thusly feeling weird about feeling jealous. Time to clam up and withdraw into myself for the next few hours. I looked at the notes on John’s post “dragging” me (because I said he wasn’t very much like Remus) and someone says John is cheating on them and his response is they did it first 🙃 I’m so fucking dumb and I hate it. I just don’t like when he talks about being with other people, even in jest. It’s like, I’m sorry, did I imagine proposing to you in Paris on Valentine’s Day or Christmas with your family or getting together in October or being best friends with you since June? Huh. Hm. Guess I did imagine all of that. It’s stupid for me to get irritated about it but I still am irritated about it. Ugh. I’m gonna go bury myself under the pillows and just go into stasis until it’s time to go to Disney. And then I can deal with my fucking stupid fucking ridiculous emotions.

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what another person did to you wasn’t your fault

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second base is revealing all my trauma

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me: maybe i'm not actually THAT unstable?? maybe i'm just making it up??

also me: *cries for 15 minutes bc my family ate some of my food*

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journal #01.

Feeling like all around shit because I gained weight, my head is killing me, and I had a nightmare last night about her and the baby and I can’t stop thinking about it this morning, and I just… Honestly I just… I can’t stop thinking about how I let my own child go. I let them die. I didn’t even give them a chance at life, and John and I talk about adopting and it hurts my chest sometimes. What kind of father am I going to be? What if my future children find out about when I was an addict? That I encouraged my ex to kill our child? I know a lot of people don’t look at it like that, it’s just a bundle of cells, and I’m all about a woman’s right to choose, but with how I was raised, it isn’t how I should have handled things. They would have been seven now. A tiny human with my eyes and her hair and skin… they could have been a little girl, or a little boy. I don’t know if I would have survived being a dad with her as the mom, I don’t know if I would have gotten sober even. I would have overdosed, I’m pretty sure, just to get away and out of her web of lies and manipulation. But I still feel like shit for it, all of it. And I’m a mess. I’m such a fucking mess.

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god i’m just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! never good enough

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i like to pretend i don’t give a fuck but honestly i don’t think i’ve ever not given a fuck in my whole life