wherenobodywillfindme

[wherenobodywillfindme]

Moving has sucked. The first day was cool. Now I want to fucking kill someone. I feel so fucking alone and unloved. The whole point was to be closer to my boyfriend. To have a home together. I feel like a fucking roommate. Haven’t been touched or lovingly talked to. Of course not. Because what’s important is his fucking job. And his fucking friends are “stalking him.” Aka driving past our fucking house seeing if we can hangout. No we can’t. Don’t drive by the house. I think that’s what this is. I feel unloved. Because he tries to show me love in ways that I don’t feel loved. And guess what? I need fucking constant reminders. And I’m not going to feel fucking bad about that

[wherenobodywillfindme]

I saw my weight today for the first time in probably 7-8 years. It was 20+ lbs heavier than I thought.

I didn’t break down crying. I didn’t start thinking about all the ways I need that number to change. I didn’t start thinking about starving myself or throwing up my food.

I started to think about what is best for my body. How the number that is my weight truly doesn’t matter. Because for the most part, I’m happy.

Understanding nutrition is becoming important to me. I do want to make progress with lifting in the gym. But luckily, I can do that knowing I can be flexible. Hearing from someone in the nutrition field say “don’t kill yourself over this. You’re okay where you’re at. You can be over or under this caloric amount. Just try to hit your protein” was amazing.

I am so proud of myself. I’m so proud of my recovery.

#eatingdisorders #body #recovery #selflove

[wherenobodywillfindme]

I am trying to consider my health. I am trying to count macros without having an eating disorder. I am trying to pretend like I am not still hoping I can be smaller. I am lying to myself. I believe in health at every size. Just not for me. I don’t have the energy or desire to engage in starving myself or binge and purge. Plus that shit was awful. I am just trying to consider my health.

#healthandwellness #healthateverysize #bodypositivity #truth #recovery

[wherenobodywillfindme]

My dog was attacked by another dog today. I had to live the moment of possibly losing her, the thing that I love more than anything in this world, over and over again while I tried to get her away from the other dog.

#traumatic #dogs #mybaby

[wherenobodywillfindme]

Sometimes I think the only reason my boyfriend can find my body attractive is because he’s tall and I look better from that angle.