whyareweallawakerightnow

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

She didn't want to be my friend anymore.

Some people act shocked when I give that answer to the question "what happened to your best friend?" She no longer wanted to be my friend. I don't know why. I can't give you any information on it. Because I don't have any. She just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I'm better now, I've grieved it. Ive processed it. Do I understand it? No. But, you know, somethings aren't meant to be understood and I'm okay with that. I was tired. Of the guessing, the walking on egg shells, the making myself small to make her feel big. I got tired of the always reaching out, the always being the first to communicate, the only one trying. Ive been through alot the last few years and you know what? I'm tired. I just don't care enough.

That might sound harsh, but I genuinely mean that. I don't have the energy to care dude. It gets exhausting. There's a point that you get to where you just have to take a deep breath, shrug your shoulders, and go on about your life. People who want to be in your life, will be. People who want to love you and care for you, will. No hesitation, no ultimatums, no sacrifices, no second thoughts. They'll just be there.

That's a hard concept to come to terms with and a wholeeeeeeee lot of self awareness you have to gain, but it's true dude. I will no longer tolerate the bare minimum. Romantic, platonic, family relationships. None of it. I matter the most at the end of the day. I have to matter most.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Hello.

I honestly forgot about this account. I think I blocked everything out tbh. The last few months have been such a life change for me. I was going down such a scary path and honestly had given up. I had pretty much accepted where I was and who I was. It was a rough time. But, in all reality, I needed that. I needed to literally hit the bottom. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Literally nothing to lose and everything to gain. What an eye opening experience that was.

I don't know how to explain it but one day I just got sick of drowning. That was it. Id had enough. Healing isn't linear and it came with a lot of goodbyes. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Some for a reason. Some for a moment in time. Its hard. But, it's necessary. You love them, you wish them well, and then you let them go.

We're all experiencing life for the first time so try not to take it too personal. Even though it's hard, even though you wouldn't do that, even though you would do it differently. Everyone has a different perception of love. It just depends on how you're able to operate and on what level. Remember, not everyone is on the same level as you. And that's okay.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Its been awhile.

So it's been awhile.. life has changed so much For the better though, at least I think. I moved across the country, by myself. I sold and packed up everything and left it all behind. I needed a fresh start and now im sitting on my brand new couch in my brand new apartment in a brand new state. It's been one hell of a last month and a half. I still moved to the city where I was suppose to move with ty. He doesn't know im here. Or maybe he does now, im honestly unsure at this point.

I honestly thought he would have reached out by now. How silly is that. That im upset that he hasn't. Im not surprised though, just disappointed. Moving to the city and away from everything has been so good for me and I would have probably never left if I hadn't met him so maybe thats the reason. Maybe that was the only reason. I have to stop searching for deeper meanings to things when there just simply isn't. Shit happened. Let it be what it'll be.

I think thats the hardest part though, letting go. Im in such a better place mentally but the things I had to lose to get here, is indescribable. Cash died a week before I left and I almost crawled into the grave with him. The fact he's not here with me, is the most hurtful thing I've ever felt and thats saying a lot.

I miss him, every single second of every single day. Him and his sister both. The pain I feel is deep and never ending. Some days it's hard to find the words. Life is better but it's worse, all in one. However that works.

I'm really on my own now, like really alone. Ive never minded being alone but this feels different. I know that it was needed.

Work is great, I love the girls. Im excited to get dressed again and thats been really good for me. I don't have anxiety meeting new clients anymore and I take walkins. A year ago me could never imagine that. She couldn't imagine a lot of things actually.

I think maybe thats the point, ya know. Growth. Shit is painful. Its challenging. But it does happen for the better. Ive survived things I once thought I never would. I came out on the other side. I did that. On my own. Im damn proud of that. I should be at least, right?

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Today was hard

Today was actually terrible. One of the worst I've had in a while. I took more birthday pictures this morning and I was thinking of him the whole time. So I spent the whole day trying to get him out of my mind. I did an ok job, but let's be honest, it's never leaving. So I was on tik Tok, and I kept crying. Then for a brief moment, I had a thought. Just a small one. Just for a second. And it sparked my interest. I should have known better.

I looked up a single text that sent me down a rabbit hole. I just read. All the texts. I kept reading. And suddenly, the pain went away. The pit in my stomach went away. I was happy. I just kept reading and I was so happy. The feelings came back, the happiness and the laughter came back. Then all of a sudden. I remembered. In a second, I was jolted back into reality. The tears started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop shaking. I was paralyzed by pain. It felt like it just happened. Like the last 3 months hadn't happened and it was brand new.

Im still so heartbroken. Im still so hurt and confused and shocked. Im still so lost. My heart is so tender to the thought of him. The feelings that came back with reading all of these messages...makes me sort of understand why he needed to block me. If thats even the reason. It was debilitating. Although I don't understand why he did what he did, it's painful to look back and read. We were so happy. Life was so good.

I hate it happened the way it did. I hate everything about it. I wish I could go back and change it. Or at least try to see the signs and rectify it. I know thats impossible. I know thats not how life is suppose to happen. I know that but my heart still wants it to. The love and relief I felt in those messages, lets me know that it was real. I didn't imagine it or make it more than it was.

I miss him everyday and I miss mj even more. Everything reminds me of her, and I mean everything. I just stare at her pictures and just yurn for her. It's soul crushing. I cant believe any of this. I still just cant believe any of this.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Hello darkness my old friend

It's been awhile. Ive been in a funk. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Ive done some things I'm not quite proud of. Nothing I should be ashamed of, im single, technically. I just wish my heart felt that way. I wish my heart could look into someones eyes and dig my fingers in their back and not see his face. Not cry out for him. Not wish he was the one on top of me. It makes me cringe. Makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel cheap. Breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart. Why, I'll never understand. He doesn't want me. Hes told me multiple times. He's shown me. Plenty of times.

I have to see him in 2 days. Two fucking days. Ive waited on this for an entire year. This moment. This exact moment. Ive waited and I've cried and ive begged time to fly by. For it to feel like this. For it to be this wrong. For it to feel this different. For it to look this different.

Because it is wrong. At least for me. I don't know how I keep getting this so wrong. How I keep getting myself into these situations.

Since I last wrote, ive hung out with 2 different people. The first one was a guy I met when I got back from the beach. He looked a lot like P actually. Crazy similar. His body was different though, unfamiliar and stiff. The sex wasn't great but we took a shower after and well, that was something. He rubbed my body and I don't mean like just rubbed, he poured into me. I know that sounds crazy but I cant even describe the feeling. He was massaging every single inch of my body, even the forbidden rolls. I let him, even if I never saw him again, it felt good and I deserved it. This man sat on the shower floor and massaged me for an hour combined, because he did it twice. Yes, I mean 2 separate showers. It was incredible. He left (after driving 3 hours) and I haven't spoken to him since. I was a tad salty at first because I felt super used, but in all reality, he didn't get anything out of it, I did. The sex was honestly trash, and the dick was wayyyyyyy too big, so I just took him off of my socials. He wasn't the one but I think that was probably the best experience I could have had after 2 years of being with the same person.

The next one, im still currently seeing. We get along really well. The sex wasn't good at first but has gotten better. He pretty much comes over every day after work and we watch our show and I cook. We run errands and get coffee. That's nice. He even pays for my coffee. Which sounds dumb but is really nice. The connection is there to an extent. Hes just not ty. No one ever will be and I know that, but he's just not him and he doesn't come close. He's nice to have around but thats about it. I don't see anything else coming of it. Im Ty's girl. Even if im not his.

I can remember the first time we met like it was yesterday and I remember exactly how my heart felt. I remember when we kissed and I kinda took a breath and my heart went 'there you are, ive been waiting." I know that sounds crazy and god did I fight it. I fought it so hard because even though I felt like that, my heart Was still p's. I kept telling myself you don't go through what you went through, to Meet the one 4 months later. I believed that. I kept telling myself that. But I think I always knew. Ty was different and I didn't know to what extent until he left. I didn't let my feelings surface until he was thousands of miles away. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I still got fucked in the end.

Everything with him was instant. Easy. It's hard to explain, it was the easiest thing in the world. Like breathing. I was scared of it and still am. But now im more scared of the feeling of him being gone than I ever was of letting myself fall.

I just still don't understand any of this. Myra leaves this weekend and my heart is heavy. Its broken. I never imagined losing either one of them let alone both at the same time. It's dark and twisted and im not sure if im going to be okay. I know the world will keep spinning and time will keep going, im just not sure I will.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

I still don't understand

Today was hard. I slept for most of it. I just couldn't deal. I had a weak moment and told him yesterday that I needed my best friend for 5 minutes and if he could just please be him. He was and it felt really nice to talk to him. Later he said that he hadn't meant to be a dick by not talking for weeks but that he felt it's easier and better if we do our own thing and move on from what we were. I just stared at the screen in utter disbelief honestly, I didn't know what to say. Because who is this easier and better for? You? Because it's not me.

I just really thought he'd miss me, you know? I thought not talking to him would make him miss me but in reality he never cared about me. There's no way he could have to end up treating me like this. You don't hurt people you care about. Hes a runner, he's running. from whatevers hurting him. Hes been doing it for a long time and I thought maybe he'd stop with me. I thought he'd realize what I brought to the table and how deep my loyalty ran. How im a down bitch who will go to the depths of hell for you and with you if I need to. How do you give that up? How do you not fight for that?

It makes no sense to me. I want him to stop running. I want him to stay. I want him to deal with his issues because I know once he does, he'll feel the whole weight of the world come off of his shoulders. I want that for him. He deserves that. But he doesn't see it and I cant make him fight for It or even want it. Thats the hard part. Thats what stings. You can see the good in someone and all of the great things they could have and they could be and none of it matters if that person cant see it for themselves.

Thats one thing I really struggle with is seeing the bigger picture when he cant, yet I cant see the bigger picture when it comes to myself. I was venting to my friend today and she said what I needed to hear just not what I wanted. She said that Korea is hard on relationships and it has ended hundreds if not thousands, and it just sounds like thats what happened. Which is so hard to hear because all I want to do is fight. Because this doesn't feel like this is how this was suppose to end and I want to fight. I just am fighting alone.

It's hard to wrap my brain around someone not showing up for me the way I show up for them. Because I go so hard for the people I care about. Just no one does for me. I just want to scream this at him. I want to shake him back into reality. To see what's in front of him. But I cant, and I won't, and I shouldn't have to. He should know. I know that. My brain knows that. I just cant make my heart know it yet.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

I still don't know

As the days go on I feel like my strength starts to die down. Im not feeling very strong about the while thing and I just wake up with a heavy heart. Which I don't want to, I want it to be light and airy because I deserve that. Ive been through too much dark shit to still be like this.

He texted me this morning saying he should be booking tickets within the next few weeks and that he'll have an exact date when he'll be back in town. My heart sank. Everything in me felt like it was on fire. I just stared at the message for awhile and then I sent a video of her and said no rush, we'll be here. He then said is she good on food? I said yes. He didn't reply, just thumbs it up. I wanted to die right then and there because how are you so okay dude I don't get it.

I waited a bit and then I caved. I said I know we're not talking but I need my best friend for like 5 minutes so can you please just be him. He said yeah what's up? I'm about to pass out though, fair warning. The man cant stay awake for nothing. I told him how I have to put cash down and how I don't think I can do it. He didn't respond so im assuming he fell asleep. Part of me just wants to unsend the message because I know it's coming from a place of weakness. Because im feeling so weak right now. Because I feel abandoned and I have abandonment issues. Because im actually going to be alone, not just emotionally but physically.

its just a lot right now and im glad you're good but im not. Im not good and im upset with myself for allowing him to become my person who I tell everything to when he walks away and I no longer have anything. I don't have my person and I need him to make this go away and he cant because he chose not to be my person anymore. Thats a really hard concept to wrap my head around. But I have to, because he's not my person anymore, and I know that. But in this moment I need him to be. Im normally pretty strong so I guess I have to give myself some grace when It comes to it.

I just have to keep crying and keep hurting until I no longer want to feel that way. I know it'll come but it just always feels inevitable.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Holding strong

I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday, almost a week. This is the longest we've ever gone without speaking to each other. Its surreal. Like im okay, im going through the motions, im living. Im getting up everyday, im doing all the things I need to do. Im working and im taking care of the house and im taking care of myself, the best I know how. Im doing it. Alone. I know I can, I have before. Im good by myself, I can operate solo. It's nothing new to me. Its normal.

I just don't want to.

I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to do everything solo. Maybe thats the lesson here. I went to dinner with my friend yesterday and we were talking, I told her about the tik tok. I know she thinks im crazy. I am. I really probably am. I told her that he saw my story about me being sick and he didn't say anything. She told me he's showing me how he feels, I just have to listen. I have to listen. Silence is loud. It's truth telling. I have to listen.

I keep telling myself that but I don't listen LOL.

You know I was thinking earlier about the moment I truly got over P. It wasn't until recently, to be honest. I mean I've been over him as much as I could possibly have been but Im not over what happened. What he did to me. Idk if I ever will be honestly, but I can tell you when I was over him, as a person.

It's when I saw a picture of him, with his wife, and kid. He was wearing a thin silver wedding band. It sent a chill of disgust down my spine. Like actual disgust. It was icky. It gave me the ick. Turned me off completely. Something in my chest, clicked. Idk how to explain it. I got the ultimate forever ick from seeing that. It signified how much of a pussy ass bitch he is. Why it took me seeing that of all things to realize that, idk. But it did. It's always the stupidest mundane things that do it.

While I was at dinner with my friend yesterday we did get on the subject of tarot cards and palm readings. She said she knew a little bit about palm readings and that some lines on the side of your palm tells you how many long term relationships you'll have in your lifetime. She looked at mine, and said I have 4. I said there's no fucking way im doing this shit another 2 times. NO WAY. Take me out right now. I cant do it, I won't. I have nothing left in me. I have nothing to give.

Thats where im at right now.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Idk

That's the simplest way I can put it. I don't know. I spent most of the day talking about it. Everything. I didn't sleep last night, like maybe 3 hours and im not being dramatic. I fell asleep at like 5:30 and woke up before my alarm at 8. Ive just been awake since. I for some reason I decided to rewatch all of my old video journals of the year that me and p ended. It was rough, not gonna lie. It was hard seeing me so broken and defeated. But the whole point was for me to see that, and remember that, because I have a tendency to overlook things because of whatever delusional feelings I have in my head. its a pattern, at least I recognized it.

I thought it was important to document those days and moments, I think I was right. But then I looked up and realized it was 4:30 in the morning. It brought back a lot of memories and feelings, but I didn't cry. I didn't wallow. I didn't get swallowed up whole and die. So there's that I guess. I just watched them, closely. Feeling all of the feelings. I never thought I would see that day.

I saw a tik Tok earlier that hit way too close to home. It was way too specific. It did give me a little bit of hope and peace, but honestly it's probably feeding into my delusional thoughts. The thing is that I don't know, I just don't know. At all. I wish I did. I wish it made sense but it doesn't and maybe thats suppose to be the case. I just don't get the lesson. With P? Sure, I got it. This? No. I just don't understand. I don't get this. I just don't know.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Holding strong

The last few days have been rough. Not gonna lie. Ive been sick and in my head. Ive been looking at old videos and pictures, and by old, I mean like 2-3 months old. I put on my story that I had been sick and thank you to everyone who had checked on me, he saw it, and he didn't say anything. Which was a little bit of a surprise, but not, you know. It kinda hurt, a lot. That he could not care that much about me. It's just something I have to keep reminding myself. That he doesn't care about me. Clearly.

Him saying "im sorry" keeps ringing in my head. It's almost haunting me. Like you're sorry? Really? You don't need to be sorry to me. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. You need to be sorry for yourself. You need to tell yourself you're sorry. Im not the one losing someone who wants to love me. Im not the one losing someone who wants to be loyal, who wants to give me a life ive always wanted. Who wants to go through life's ups and downs and give me a family. Im not losing that. He is. Hes the one losing that. He needs to be sorry for himself, because if he hasn't already realized it, he will one day, and that day is gonna hurt like hell. The only thing im losing is myra, and while that kills me, I have to believe that ive loved her enough and made a big enough impact on her that she'll know ill always be there for her and love her forever. I have to believe that.

This whole thing is so stupid honestly but it doesn't make it hurt less or any less real. Im just taking it day by day. I want this to be over, but I know it won't be over until after she's gone, which I don't want to happen. But I know it needs to. And I know that it will. Hes just a boy who I loved and one day he probably won't matter, and I know that. He'll just be a memory and that makes me so sad. Because I truly believed I went through all that I went through to find him and love him. I didn't realize he was just going to be another lesson. Maybe the lesson was I was suppose to love him, that he needed me to love him and now he doesn't anymore. And thats okay. It just really fucking stings that im always the one who loves and then after they've gotten their fix, they're done. They're out.

All I can really do is go on about my life. Try to move on and to let things happen the way they're suppose to. I know this is just a moment in my life compared to the rest of it. I just really hate it turned out this way.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Mad as hell

I think ive hit that stage of grief where I'm just pissed. Mad as hell. About everything. Which is good, it's a good feeling, because that means im getting through the stages and closer to the end. Which feels refreshing. Im just pissed now. When it got the LEAST bit hard, he dipped. He fucking dipped, he was out. Which means if thats his outlook, he's going to be a shitty partner, a shitty husband, and a shitty father. Because he cant grow up and think outside of hisself. He cant see past it. Which is a blessing in disguise, I have no doubt. It doesnt make it sting any less. Which I hate.

I keep thinking back to conversations we've had and thinking to myself "wow, he's so good at talking about his feelings and knowing who he is and where he's going." But he's not, he lied. He tricked me into thinking he was this mature, well rounded guy who had seen and done some things and was done with the bullshit, done with the games. He wasn't. Hes not. Hes too fucking old to be acting this way. Hes too fucking old to not have his shit together and to act the way he does. He needs to grow up and be a man. Im not even so much hurt by it at this point than disgusted, and turned off. How embarrassing to be almost 30 with that out look. Its gross.

Those are my thoughts at this moment at least, who knows if they'll stay. He likes trashy women. That's his type. I hate to admit it, but it is. I look nothing like any of the women he's been with before and by the looks of it, thank god. I guess maybe I should be thankful I didn't get pregnant. Even though I wanted nothing more than to have his babies for him. I should be glad im not stuck with him for the rest of my life.

I wanted nothing more though, honestly. Than to be with him, love him, heal him, watch him grow. It feels pathetic now but it's true. Some parts in me still hope for that but im not going to kid myself or be delusional. Ive started scrolling past all the tarot card readings on my fyp, thats when you know im getting over it lol. I just don't care, I just don't want to see it, be around it, nothing. I just want to be done because I refuse to be around for someone who doesn't want me, and continuously tells me so. Who tells me he has doubts about us, about me. As he's done many times, I really should just cut my ties and be thankful for my loses.

Im still really sick so maybe thats where this new found attitude is coming from. Im not sure, all I know is that he dropped the ball before it could even make impact. I'll forever stand by the fact that it's his loss not mine, he's not the one wanting to love me and give me this big grand life. Im the one wanting that for him. And he gave it up so easily, which makes me sad for him. Because our life could have been epic, and full of love and memories. But he chose not to find out or to try. And thats on him, not on me.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Its been a rough week

God has it been a rough week. A rough week. My nephew was sick, I had to take care of him. Then a hurricane hits. Knocks all of our power out, for 3 days. 3 days I was stuck in a hot house, not only that, but then I was sick from taking care of my nephew. Freaking sick in a hurricane with no power, no nothing. I literally thought I was going to die.

Power finally starts coming back on in some places, so we go to eat at one of the restaurants, and I had an entire meal. Something I hadn't had in days. I had bread, a cesear salad, 2 amaretto sours, and a filet minjon with a baked potato. It was soooo good, for about 5 minutes, until I puked it all up in their bathroom. The entire fucking meal. Yacked.

Then I get home, to a hot house, I feel like crap, and I tell the pups, let's just go to bed. So then 10 minutes go by, the power comes back on. FINALLY. I could've cried dude. Then all of a sudden, I get the worst body aches and shakes I've had in a long time. So much so I have to strip down, sit down in the shower until I stop shaking, then put on 5 layers of clothes and try to fall asleep. I woke up yesterday, feeling like SHIT. Im talking about like absolute ass. My headache would not go away, my throat hurt, I had a fever all day. I took a hot shower and then woke up at 2 am this morning and got a hot bubble bath because my hips felt like they were going to fall apart. Woke up feeling worse but told myself I had to get it together because I had to work. Ended up moving 2 of my clients to Monday so I could sleep longer but I still had to do my 5:30 because she was leaving tomorrow to go back home for a month and I needed the money.

I just wore a mask the whole time which wasn't terrible but super hot. I made chili dogs for dinner but just ended up eating Cheetos with chili because the dogs just didn't taste that good.

Ty texted me asking about myra and said that he'd gone to the beach and saw a dog there and it made him miss her and that he wish she was there. I just sent a pic of her and he said I love and miss her so much. I just didn't respond. Idk what to say to him anymore. Like what do you say. I cant small talk with him. I just cant give him that side of me anymore, he doesn't want it. He doesn't want me. I have to keep reminding myself of that. He doesn't want me. He chooses everyday to not be with me because he thinks he can find someone better. So I have to let him. Thats a really hard thought to process.

I was thinking earlier that it was kind of icky that he didn't even try. Didn't even want or attempt to try. He just gave up. I have to keep reminding myself that it's his loss and I'm not the one losing much. Hes not the one who wants to love me. Im the one who wants to love him. And he won't let me. So thats his loss. Not mine. Im sure thats pretty apparent but it's hard to fully understand. It's his loss, not mine.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Tuesday saddies

Im still sad today. Im sad everyday, we all know this. Nothing new there. I did sleep a little better last night but my friend came over and we talked for awhile. It helped a little bit. I just kept telling myself that I'm full of love. I am so full of love, so full of loyalty and so full of patience and full of forgiveness. If he doesn't want that, thats on him. Thats a him problem, not on me. It's not me. Its him.

That doesn't make me any less sad though, knowing that. I can know that and still be so very sad. I can still drown. I can still sit and be swallowed up by it. I can still be heartbroken by it. And I know that, but other people don't seem to know that. Maybe they do, they just all say things so passive aggressive. Like it's the easiest thing in the world to get over. Maybe it is or maybe it should be. But it's not.

This is a very confusing time for me. All of my feelings are confusing. Have I mentioned I haven't spoken to my best friend in 2 months? Haven't even thought twice about it. Does that make me a bad person? It doesn't bother me. Not one bit. 9 years of friendship, haven't blinked an eye. That probably makes me a bad person. Im like that though, I don't have to speak to you another day in my life. I cant do that with people I chose to be in romantic relationships with. I don't know why that is.

So here I am. sad and alone. I hope I won't always be, I know this too shall pass. I know this feeling won't last forever. I know that I cant make someone let me love them. I cant make someone want the life I could give them. And I know that. My head knows that. But it's my heart, my heart is having a hard time knowing that.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Monday was hard

Today really sucked. Like really bad. I spiraled. Bad. He laugh reacted my post I made. But didn't message about myra. Then he did. He did ask about myra. And I sent a picture of her in her halloween costume. Then we have a brief conversation about it. He said she didn't need any costumes. I said it was her last holiday with me, and he says "that's fair I guess yeah" and I wanted to die. Like actually stroke out and die. Why.

I just don't understand this. My friend had to end up coming over and just talked to me for awhile. I just couldn't stop crying. I called my other friend before she showed up and she said that it triggered me when he reacted to my post. Because I wanted him to call me and tell me he was wrong and he's not. Hes reacting to my post like nothing happened. And something did happen and its hurting me. Lex said something that stuck with me "right now is not the end all be all, you deleting him for your sanity will not be the deciding factor of if this is the end or not. It won't be until he comes back and sees you. That will be the end all be all." My other friend says I need to delete him and make him wonder and ask why. To give him what he's asking for. But I'm so terrified that he's going to not be bothered by it and not think twice. Which is a possibility anyway but knowing that right now? Feels impossible.

My nephew was sick today and I had to take him to the urgent care and watch him all day. It hurt that I put on my story that he was sick and he saw it and didn't say anything. Im mad when he reacts or said something, I'm mad when he doesn't. I can't have it both ways. I need to cut the cord. I need to pick the side. It just hurts so much because I don't want to be without him but he wants to be without me. That hurts so much.

I just want to not feel like this. I want to not feel so insane and so out of control. It's so debilitating. I feel like I can't breathe. All the time. I know this will pass but I'm drowning in it. I don't know how to swim right now. Everyone keeps telling me "you're so strong" Im so sick of being strong. Im tired. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. I want someone to be afraid of losing me, not me always afraid of losing someone. I know that if they're meant to be yours, they'll always come back. Nothing will change that. Me deleting him off Facebook will not change that. It will only help me not be so triggered and anxious all the time. I keep telling myself that if I just post enough pictures, he'll see I'm the one. How stupid is that? I shouldn't have to tell anyone I'm the one for them. Shouldnt have to beg or persuade. They'll just know. I shouldn't want anyone who has second thoughts about me anyway. But I do. I always do.

This is still so fresh. I know thats why I feel this way and this feels so bad. I know that. I just can't accept that.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Sunday blues

I didn't sleep much last night. Myra slept under the bed because it was storming and then I woke up to her on top of me. Which isn't unusual but it just made me sad at the thought of not having her every night. Like a gut punch. I got a matcha today, which I haven't had in a while, because they make me sad because ty would always get them for me. But I got one today. And it didn't make me want to throw up. It didn't make me nauseous. Which is progress, I think.

I haven't spoken to him since Thursday. Which is a weird feeling, but I'm trying to get through it. To keep myself busy and to not think about it. Sometimes I think about it though and it makes me want to die.

Me and myra picked out her halloween costume. She's a mermaid. A mer-myra if you will. She's so stinking cute, I just love her so much. Im going to get her brother a flounder costume. Maybe I'll be Ursula.

Idk what to do anymore. Ive been working and sleeping and watching Netflix. I just went grocery shopping for the first time. I had my air pods in because I thought I might burst into tears. Grocery shopping was our thing. Walking up and down every isle was our thing. I have to unstick him from every memory i have. Which seems impossible but I have to.

I asked lex if she wanted to get a drink and have dinner. She said maybe. I hope she says yes, I need a drink. Badly.

Im just in a really weird sad blah mood.

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Saturday saddies

I hate that I will constantly check messenger to see if he's messaged me when I know he hasn't. If I didn't have to use it for work, I swear id delete it. It gives me too much anxiety. I was thinking this morning though that at least I'm not waking up with a sharp knife in my chest shaking. Because I use to do that with P. I was completely disabled by it. I guess I can be thankful for that. Or I should be.

Zach Bryans new album came out last night, it's hitting pretty hard. I didn't know who deb was though, which was his long term girlfriend. He has a new girlfriend now, which gives me the ick. I mean yeah he should be happy but where do these men get the nerve.

I watched my nephew last night but he just slept most of the time. I did post pics on Facebook and he did like it. He heart reacted my story too about myra. Part of me knows I should probably stop. But I'm stuck between showing him I'm okay and I'm living, or not giving him the satisfaction of silently watching my life from afar. To make him wonder. Part of me wants to piss him off, part of me would never want to cause him the least bit of pain. Why? Who freaking knows. Im always loyal to people who aren't loyal to me and to people who don't deserve it.

Im sad today but I'm okay. I still don't understand but I'm okay. Im working on breathing in and letting go. Because things that are for me will always find me. And I believe that.

At least I'm really trying to.