wid0wing4dummies

[wid0wing4dummies]

Hello My Friend. Here I am again.

I really did come back a fiancée from Japan :D

I am dizzy every time I look down at my hand. I feel so seen because even though I was absolutely there when the ring was purchased, It feels real. (Because it is real crazy lol)

But Its more than that - I asked for what I wanted and got it without hesitation. Its way deeper than the act of just getting a ring. I feel cherished and respected - Like someone is choosing me first without me having to beg - And I have that longing buried deep and etched in my soul.

I'm gonna jump around alot but I feel like I need to get everything out.

My Fiancé (Eek) is absolutely perfect. It's like he is reading my mind most of the time. He goes out of his way to make my life easier, and I'm so grateful for him every day. He is filling my every desire - sexually, mentally, emotionally - Like my calm in the storm of my.... adhd storm. It's such a great feeling that he makes my racing thoughts less loud. Can I mention more about the sexual part of this? He's absolutely mind-blowing. Like he's taking a mental map of every part of my body, and he remembers with perfect recall. This is absolutely the most fulfilled and satisfied I've felt in a long time. He also gives me the space to communicate what I need to communicate without judgment or fear, which is also something that I have been known to have to beg for in the past. It's very scary for me, but it feels like I'm really healing, which is also scary. So, of course, it's so easy for me to relax physically because I'm able to relax mentally.

Now the bad (Maybe not exactly bad..) - It think my Mom may have a little issue but I can't put my finger on it. Its like she always looking for something.. Like something to go wrong. ( can't blame her.. I kept a lot from her in my marriage (which I was supposed to)) She comments on my wedding ring constantly and always makes the comment of getting hers cleaned. I talked to my therapist about it, and she says it's probably because I've been trying to put boundaries in place. I realized that she never asks me what I want to do.. she just tries to fit me into her schedule to be her errand runner. I guess she just doesn't understand that when I am home.. I am in my safe space. I am with someone who makes me feel seen, listens to my boundaries, gives me an opportunity to rest, and allows me the space to be who I need to be in that moment. She also won't travel to visit me - it's always me coming there. It's very frustrating. She also keeps trying to insert herself into wedding planning. I understand that this is a part of the wedding process, but I really don't want to hear about "That's what my dad and I did." I also don't want to be rushed with this process. I have plenty of ptsd from last time.. But I also learned a lot from last time. I don't want to do too much, but I want nothing more than to check every one of the requirements of Steven's wedding wishes and be simple after that. I don't want to go into Debt just because my family wants to party. Every day, I just get closer to wanting to elope, but Steven wants to do right by my parents, which I totally respect.

Switching gears - Brad.

He kind of just fell off the planet. It hurts in the weirdest way.. I am constantly reminded of him. Discord, Nintendo, his book, calendar invites.. I think that the unresolved closure is what is bothering me the most. While it is true.. it takes two to tango. But I feel like I was reaching out more and putting more effort into the relationship - he hadn't asked to go on a date in over a year, and he didn't even wish me happy birthday; he forgot. But I can be honest and truthful to myself - I am happier without the polyamorous part of my life. I feel like it was there for me when I needed it, and that's okay. I guess I'm feeling kind of guilty because I may be the villain in his story. But I feel like its better to let sleeping dogs lie - I haven't reached out and neither has he. I also feel a little weird.. but it feels like relief. It was starting to feel like a chore vs something enjoyable. Maybe that is what I'll hold onto while I unpack.

I finally quit my toxic job.

I am actually trying to work through this currently.

I am so scared because everything is going so right. (Man, that's fucked up when I read that back.) I applied for a position that would be life-changing for me. Like, absolutely life changing.. It would be the most money I've ever made in my life, and it would give me some breathing room so that I can build back up my emergency fund. Like, I even feel like I have some anxiety typing this right now. But it's the first time in my life that I did something without any fear of finances - you'd think that that would make me calmer.. but C'est La Vie. The why of all this isn't even my own personal career. It's being a better partner to my fiancé. Yes.. the clout does feel good.. but I just want to be able to support him and give him the same mental release that he gives me if necessary. He said yesterday as I was having the meltdown of the week - That the worst that can happen is that we get married sooner and I become a kept woman in his house. Absolute Swoon. If I had met this man a decade ago.. he would have had so many heirs.. lol.

I would finally be at the associate level and would not have to answer any phones in a phone queue. I am so excited for the change because maybe this will not take so much energy during the day and I can focus on my very very very neglected school work.

I know I am currently off work, but I'm trying to give myself the space to relax, and I'm navigating feeling terrible because I'm not busy but having no direction when I try to be busy. Finishing folding my clothes was an act of Congress yesterday. I guess this is what burnout really feels like.

But I guess I am surviving. I am patiently waiting my background check to finish so that I can get my start date.. I feel like I'll be able to relax once that is finalized.

I feel bad because Steven probably feels some type of way about me not letting him barge in when I am journaling. I hope he knows that I never have anything bad to say about him.. ever. He is truly my light in the dark.

We went to Ikea today and had a day together yesterday with Rox - I think I like this little life.

Till next time.

[wid0wing4dummies]

Hello my Friend.

Long time no talk.

It is T minus 1 week until Japan. I’m scar-cited because of the whole seafood allergy thing.. But in 2025 I guess I’m doing everything scared lol.

Im also scared because I am coming back a Fiancée. Eeeeeeeek.

It feels so right though, which is also a little scary.

I can honestly say that with my first marriage, I felt like…. “Well we’ve been together this long.’

I don’t have that feeling now. I feel like I have the most perfect partner.

He even thought enough to get me a card to take out at restaurants.

to be seen is to be loved…. :)

I have not talked to Brad in over a week, tbh… I feel guilty but i don’t exactly miss him? I miss him more in a Friendly kind of way vs a romantic one.

I’m still unpacking that… He hasn’t asked to go on a date or anything… I’m not sure if it is a Money thing or what but I asked for the last one and he cancelled so. *Shrug*?

My granny passed peacefully in her sleep about two weeks ago. I think I am still in shock tbh. But I find peace in the fact that she went exactly the way she wanted to go.

She looked so peaceful and her home going was beautiful.

My mother is not doing so well…. As can be expected. There’s just a lot going on in her home and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned.

Aunt J and Uncle K are divorcing which if you asked me 5 years ago, I would have called you a liar. I still can’t believe it…

And My cousin isn’t doing so great mentally…

It’s kind of just one thing after another.

I’m proud to say that I have been navigating this grief well… Of course I think it’s because I’ve already been through the most ultimate grief.

My therapist said that she is proud of me too. I did start taking her vitamin regiment… nothing too crazy, just VIT D,C, B12.

As far as my new vitamin regiment - II do feel a little more rested, but I feel like I’m floating in a fog most of the time.

Like I’m unable to focus still.

I took the entire week off due to my granny’s passing… It is the most rested I’ve felt in 2 years.

I was absolutely great until last night. I woke up in a frenzy, heart racing and really really hot. I haven’t felt like that in a week, but today is my first day back at work.

So go figure. Abe my therapist is right… maybe I do need a break off from work just to relax.

Even right now, I feel like I’m just going through the motions.

Like I can’t wait to clock out.

We are also moving to 5 days a week in office for some dumbass reason… It really doesn’t make any sense.

Sorry to just all over the place, I’m just trying to get all my thoughts out of my head… Also I got diagnosed with ADHD recently.. so it’s all starting to make sense.

I’ve also discovered that I like audiobooks? It’s kind of weird to say that.. but I think i may subscribe to audible to test it out. I really don’t want to add another monthly bill but….. I feel like it’s a good idea. I basically am listening to audiobooks by scrolling TikTok all the time… but maybe this will help with my focus. I just took my AirPod out of my ear that I normally have in the entire time that I am working and i feel weird without it.

[wid0wing4dummies]

Good Morning my Friend.

This is my attempt at journaling for today.

We are almost in a winter freeze again, only this time I’m in the house by myself. Steven went to a LAN Party in Vegas.

I miss him so much.

At my therapist’s request, I tried the magnesium spray on my feet and I did feel like I had a peaceful sleep, but not long enough. So it might be some truth there.

I’ll try again tonight.

I feel so out of it tbh. I feel like I don’t have any direction and I know what needs to be done I just can’t make myself move forward.

I did manage to get the Christmas decorations down by myself, I’m just too small to get the Christmas tree back in its spot. I’ll ask Steven to do it when he gets home.

I have so many thoughts just swirling around in my head. The main one is how my job is sucking the life right out of my body.

I have a group meeting today with my managers. I honestly feel like its to gauge us before the step meeting with the VP. I think I’ll report back after it’s all said and done.

Im kind of sad to say… Honestly if they laid me off right now, I’d probably feel a breath of relief and that’s no bullshit.

I’d struggle for a second, but I’d probably feel less stressed and will be able to focus on class.

The second thought is that I’m beating myself up because I can’t focus. I should have been halfway done with school by now, but I read my textbook and nothing sticks. I’ve been in a never ending cycle of reading the same chapter for two weeks. It’s so frustrating.

I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve never felt so seen by my Therapist. She’s absolutely amazing.

She saw right through me in our last session and kind of touched on why I am how I am.

She says that she feels like I have had ADHD this entire time and have been fighting my way to trying to be the best without giving myself grace.

And I couldn’t agree more.

Le sigh.

In a moment of truth - I am currently doing this during work hours and it’s giving me a little peace.

-T

[wid0wing4dummies]

Happy New Year My Friend.

I hope I can be more consistent in the following 365 days.

[wid0wing4dummies]

Today I feel totally unappreciated.

I went to work today and was the only one in my team to show up for work in office.

I politely worked half of the day and went home to finish the other half.

I feel a little scatter brained and all over the place but I think it may be because my cycle is coming. I also haven’t been able to focus on my homework in a few days.

Tonight we went to dinner at Chili’s and then checked out a new grocery store. I started to get impatient - which is out of the ordinary for me towards the end of our trip. But I was able to just chalk it up to being tired.

We came home, I stayed up for about a hour and went to bed.

[wid0wing4dummies]

I changed my phone password from my old anniversary to my new one.

Eeek. I guess it’s pretty serious.

[wid0wing4dummies]

Pt 2

(No one ever figures out the answers.) But I can say that with each meeting and departing.. Things get easier. I am sad that I have to leave today, but I’m not crushed like before. my jealousy of him having another partner is better because I used my resources and got to the bottom of why I felt that way versus just reacting purely emotionally. I guess I have a lot of self reflection to do and finally looking up that therapist lol.

Until next time my friend.

-T

[wid0wing4dummies]

Hello My Friend;

I’ve just come back from a wonderful weekend with my Second parter. We went to Vegas for a day and I honestly thought that things were going to get kind of sketchy because we got stuck a little lol. But He was very calm and receptive to everything that happened. I always worry about the fact that he’s autistic and that I may overwhelm or overstimulate him. I feel like he had a great time, at least he told me he did. It felt wonderful to have someone who was totally there because he was enjoying himself. I actually won something and I’m still riding the high lol. Now granted it was only $100 but I NEVER win so it made it all the more special. It’s kind of odd to feel so “normal.” I guess I should work on trying to define what “normal” is. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into what my End game happiness looks like. (I really should work on finding a sex positive therapist, it’s on the to do list. I swear.) I keep comparing it to past T, and it’s just not feasible anymore it seems. I wanted the house, the picket fence, the dog, and my one person for the rest of my life. But I feel that that’s because what was expected of me versus what I really want. I feel like that is the Monogamy norms trying to fight its what back into my life. I have started reading this new polyamory book that posed a very interesting question - What is the reasoning for my non-monogamy? Like truly? It started off as a way to cope with my trauma from my Marriage. And that’s a 100% fact. And I still feel like that’s partly true. It gives me the freedom to be in loving relationships and to have a loving relationship with myself which I totally work on everyday. But what does life look like with a anchor parter? I’m still trying to give a definition to that… Unfortunately I’m going to have to figure that out soon. It seems like things are moving very fast with my Second partner and I. We have already discussed co-habitation. yikes. In all honestly its super scary but its kind of comforting. Just this weekend he has made me happy teary eyed twice. I told him early on in our relationship that the only thing that I wanted my husband to do is pay for my nails. Very simple but It’s something that makes me feel taken care of. He followed through with that.. And we went to the American Express Lounge in the airport (Which was amazing btw) and he offered to put me on his credit card as a authorized user. Idk if I’m ready for that (specifically because I want my own points, ya know - Ego for the win and all that Jazz) but just the thought that he trusts me enough to do so is so amazing. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about it. So its little things like that that really make me wonder about my end game happiness. I still very strongly would like to experience having my own space, but I can’t deny the sense of “Home” that he gives me. I sleep better here, I have no worries, and I feel like I have a partner I can depend on. It’s been my dream. But.. I also have to put some thought into the reality of the situation. He also has another partner who I don’t particularly think cares for me. Specifically because of how he feels about me. If we cohabitate there are hard limits that I just can’t budge on.. which are related directly to my own trauma. Sharing a bed and having other partners in our shared bed is a hard limit. So we would have to set aside specific space for that. But I also what to respect her as his partner because he does care for her.. which isn’t a issue for me because I also have a partner that I care for very much. Its a alot to take in all at once.. But I do just live by my own rule - I do things that feel good until they don’t. I also try to give myself some grace… I am still new to this and am figuring it out as I go along. I’m not supposed to have all the answers. (I’ve hit the block limit, pt 2 coming)

[wid0wing4dummies]

[wid0wing4dummies]

Well;

My friend... it finally happened. My poly lifestyle has backed me into a corner. I helped my second partner move into his new house and his other partner just showed up. Awkward, Eek, and Ick. Super Ick

I think my most prominent feeling is existential dread. But I'm kind of just hurt. My expectations are kind of wounded and my pride hurt most of all. Its kind of painful to watch them interact mostly because I felt like it was our weekend to hang out. I am nothing but respectful of their time together and I feel like mine was infringed on.

At least he said he thought he told me.

Its just been a worldwind of emotions all day. I still feel like its a good relationship but maybe I should lower my expectations of him being my perfect puzzle piece. Do you really mean that or are you just upset at this particular Moment? I need to self reflect a little more:

And here I am journalling and sitting in his closet. At least I feel like this can be my safe space for the time being.

I feel like my feelings are magnified by my love of what can be. The potential is intoxicating. I marvel at the thought of having a house and a picket fence and a dog with someone I truly care about and times like this feel like a punch to the gut. My first partner is different - He is married and our relationship is technically as far as it can go. But with the second I guess its different? I'm trying to go into this with a open mind and heart but its times like this that really suck.

Is it me? Am I the problem? I can't be. I've been nothing but agreeable and fair.

I think my final answer is that I would have appreciated being told ahead of time that she was coming over so I could have mentally prepared, to be informed if he's going to try to have us interact it doesn't infringe upon our own personal times, and that if you're going to sit in between us we both deserve attention.

And I know that last part was childish but that's just where my emotions are at the moment. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm upset.

I'm.... kind of glad that I know how to self soothe. My therapist would be so thrilled.

I probably need to do more research into polyamory to figure out why this affects me so. My first partner and his wife do not make me jealous at all. So Idk.

I guess eventually I'm going to have to leave this closet and face the music. I kind of don't want to. And I probably won't leave this closet until I feel better and I'm able to have a full conversation about this.

The more I write the better I feel tbh.

One more time for the people in the back - Progress. I can say that I'm proud of myself in that aspect.

Look I managed to journal twice in the same week. Thats craaaazy.

Until Later?

-T