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17
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Tumblr has been banned in Indonesia for providing people with access to pornographic content.
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Haiku about Florence
Hurricane Florence
Turns White House into wet house
Selling used life rafts :D
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 6
By: William Papsmear
Huck kneeled beside Champ and with closed eyes, breathed deeply. The breath traveled into his frail lungs and back out again slowly. Huck coughed slightly with each inhale. The room smelled pungently of stale onions. Champ watched him and narrowed his collagen infused eyelids and grumbled discontentedly.
“You have to go deeper, boy, your lungs must be like a vacuum cleaner, or you will never have the lung capacity to be a decent smoker.”
The girl character was here too and she said,
“This is too much. You’re running him harder than one of those Haitian zombies!”
“At this point in my training, I sucked so hard that I had a part time job as a flood pump! Huck, there is something holding you back. Something right up here!�� Champ pointed to his head.
“So I’m just stupid then?” Huck asked, straightfaced.
“What… no. I mean you got baggage kiddo.”
“I didn’t bring a suitcase though” Huck said, getting to his feet.
“…maybe I was wrong before. Anyway, we’ll resume training tomorrow to give you time to deal with your emotions.” Champ rotated to Carlita. “I’m not a therapist, so help him, will ya?”
Champ rolled away.
“What’s the matter then?” Carlita sighed.
Huck clenched his ass cheeks together and stood erect for a moment. It was true, He definitely had been distracted, but how could he tell her the reason? She stared at him, waiting for a reply. Bile rose in the back of huck’s throat. She bit her lip and batted her eyelashes like a bunch of Japanese fans welded into her face. It was honestly kind of weird, but anyway, Huck clenched his jaw tightly and his entire body began to vibrate. Blood spilled out of his ears and piss ran down the side of his leg. A thousand blood-curdling howls rang inside his head, signaling the pack to descend upon him and tear him limb from limb.
“CARLITA PLEASE I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!” He shouted, locking his gaze directly into her’s.
“Oh, I already knew that. I meant with the breathing thing.” She deadpanned.
Huck paused, covered in sweat.
“Oh… yea I think I just needed some fresh air… heh…”
“Want to fuck first?” Carlita proposed
For the next ten minutes, the house was filled with the rancorous sounds of furious copulation. In one of the other rooms, Champ smiled as he heard his student breathing very deeply. Indeed, Huck advanced his skills in sucking threefold that day. Tyrone, who had been undergoing HRT for the past few weeks and now went by the name Tyroniqua, and xer’s boyfriend stood outside the door and cheered as huck belted out a high pitched spider-monkey screech.
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 5
By: William Papsmear
A chiseled, adonis of a man slowly descended from the sky. Cherubs basked in the heavenly light radiating off of the figure. He was clad in silken denim and overalls. An enormous ten-gallon hat sat squarely on his messy flaxen mane. A cig, with its cherry bright end smoldering beautifully, hung lazily in his massive square jaw which was peppered with facial hair. As he landed in front of Huck and Carlita, Champ rolled over to his open door to watch the angelic being touch down. "Carlita," The cowboy's voice was deep and warm, "Your words have touched my supple heart." "Who are you?" She asked. "Me? Well, I'm just a normal guy, and.." He took a deep drag, "the official Morely Cigarette Cowboy!" He flashed the Morely logo emblazoned on his pack of full-flavor kings and gave a radiant smile. Huck bowed down. The Cowboy snapped his wrist and a golden lighter appeared in his hand with a shower of sparks. He flipped the top and rolled the flint. Energy reverberated through the neighborhood and champ appeared in front of the cowboy out of thin air, his eyes wide and fearful. "CHAMP!" The cowboy bellowed in abject fury. "My disappointment with you is immense. You were the achilles of smokers, and now here you are... VAPING!" The cowboy's face contorted in disgust and the hairs of his mustache stood on end. Champ wimpered and sobbed at the cowboy's feet. He began to float once more and the American flag waved beautifully behind him as he exploded. "Our GLORIOUS country was founded by Virginian tobacco farmers. NOT SMOKING THE REAL THING IS UNAMERICAN! Why, without cigarettes this country would be a hellhole full of communists and duck-walking fascists!" The cowboy paused for a moment, panting and sweating. Champ was pissing himself in terror. "Also, it's just fucking lame bro, come on." "You're right!" Champ wailed. He threw his vape onto the ground and shouted at the sky. "FOR AMERICA!" Champ rolled his obese body onto the vape, crushing it like butt in the ashtray. "I'm proud of you champ..." The cowboy smiled and leapt into the air. He flew into the heavens, belting out a jolly, "YEEEEHAW" before vanishing behind a cloud. "WAAAAIT!" Huck shouted. "You need to teach me to smoke!" Silence. "You wanna learn to smoke, boy?" Champ grumbled. "I can teach you to smoke so much that people in the same building as you will die from asphyxiation," His gaze was instense, "Weather channels will list you as an active fog system, you'll make the dust bowl look like a fucking puff from a tailpipe. This shit isn't a joke and you're never going to be able to go back. Do you understand?" Huck thought for precisely 0.2 seconds before opening his mouth. "Yes. I'm ready to realize my dream and devote my life to smoking!"
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Hickory Dickory Drumpf
There once was an old man named Trump. On his breast he found a bump. Got a blood test, hoped for the best, But in the end they couldn't save the lump.
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 4
By: William Papsmear
Carlita pointed to an old black and white photo hanging on the wall of the coffee shop. Her red nail tapped the face of a tall, handsome man with a fat ass cigar clenched in his chisled jaw. Huck looked on, confused. An elderly man stopped between the two and interjected softly. "Ah... that brings me back," Huck and Carlita beamed. His eyes sparkled, "And that man, Champ. He was the best of us. Champ could smoke an entire buschel of tobacco in one draw. His lungs were like black holes... literally. And when he would exhale... people thought that a forest fire was engulfing the city. He was amazing. That was all before the accident though... All those years ago" Carlita narrowed her eyes "wait, this photo is dated 2010 thou-" "WHERE CAN WE FIND HIM!?" Huck sperged.
Huck and Carlita walked up to a decaying house on the outskirts of town. Moss creeped up the rotting sideboards like fingers. all of the windows were broken or boarded up. The door was a sturdy mahogany. A giant steel knocker in the shape of a pair of breasts hanged on the front. Huck looked at them intensely and then at carlita. Before huck's balls got any bluer, the door opened on its own with a creak. They looked inside. An amorphous celestial mass hovered in mid air. A low hissing sound emanated from deeper within the house. Huck shat himself in fear. "It's the ghost of champ!" He cried. Champ blew the cloud away with more mist from his lungs. Huck stared intently at the corporeal, fleshy man sitting in front him. "Man, you're letting all the vape out. Close the door!" Champ's plump face ordered. "Also how do you know my name?" Champ was thin in the photo, but now one could say he was a man of ample girth. After smacking his lowest chin off the top of his belly, he scratched the bottom of his stomach... lifting it off the floor. Champ sucked on a vape causing the familiar hiss to emanate in the ear. Huck advanced. "Why are you vaping!?" He outstretched his hands in disbelief "Bro, it's healthier for you" Champ replied, taking a sip from his big gulp. "This can't be! You have to teach me how to be the best smoker who ever lived!" Huck started tearing up. "I'm sorry kiddo" He replied flatly, inhaling his douche flute.
Huck ran out of the house in tears out to the street where Carlita finally caught up to him. She took him by the shoulders and wiped the tears from his eyes, but he wasn't having any of it. His spirit was broken. Carlita took a deep breath. "Huck, listen to me. You've tried so hard and came so far but in the end it didn't even matter... uh so if you don't ever try, then you never fail... so thats good, but its also BAD! If you don't fail sometimes then what is life even? Just a ball of winning! And the win/lose thing is a dichotomy, so the absence of losing means that winning is losing! So don't lose by winning, lose by losing... TO WIN! DO IT FOR ME! DO IT FOR YOUR FRIENDS! DO IT FOR AMERICA!"
Huck looked hopefully up at her and then they embraced. Tyrone brushed a tear from his eye.
"... did someone say AMERICA?" Said a gruff voice from the sky.
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 3
By: William Papsmear
The edge of the cold knife dug into Huck’s soft flesh, he shuddered in fear. His perpetrator stood over him filled with malice, but when she got a closer look at him she backed off. Huck rubbed his neck.
“Sorry, can’t be too careful. Fucking G-men everywhere.” She huffed. “the names Carlita, nice to meet you!”
The woman that had just threatened Huck’s life now held her hand out to him with a wide smile. No matter the situation, the Oedipus complex in his brain forced him to shake her hand and try to be as alluring as possible about it. Huck shook her hand, stuck out his tongue, and made a licking motion with a shit-eating grin plastered firmly on his face. Carlita’s eyebrows darted upward.
“Is this some sort of Lizard person ritual? I’M HUMAN!” She yelled and started to walk away.
“No no wait!” Huck said. “I’m just trying to become a tobacco god!”
She turned to listen.
“I’ve heard it told that master smokers can form clouds so thick that they can cover entire cities in darkness! That a nicotine buzz emanates from their very body, intoxicating everyone in sight! I want to be like that!”
She leaned in close. A blank stare across her face.
“Look, are you some sort of fucking nutcase or something?”
It took a long time to explain to Carlita that he was completely serious and was, in fact, not a nutcase. She had gone back to her post grinding coffee beans in a giant crank-powered crusher. Huck sat on a tall stool, perched in a way reminiscent of a dab of hashish on a fucking nail bro. He coiled and twisted his honeyed words so sweet as to make Carlita see his side. He neatly tucked his forked tongue back into his mouth.
“Help me become a master smoker, please. It isn’t like you’re doing anything important anyway.”
“uuuhhhhhh…” She stammered.
Her mind was flooded with various lines of thought. I mean, he obviously wasn’t picking up on the fact that she was trying to fight the illuminati with this job. Stimulants increase free thought after all, so this was important work. All this shit about smoking super powers was so crazy too, how could he really believe all that stuff? If it was true though… that kind of power. It couldn’t fall into illuminati hands! She also had this annoying feeling in the back of her mind. Whenever she looked at him she began to blush. I mean come on, he was the protagonist was anyone expecting anything different? Lel.
“I’ll do it. We’ll make you a smoking god, Huck!” She beamed.
Everyone in the store gave a collective hurrah. Tyrone gave the biggest hurrah, as did his gay lover whom he held arm-in-arm. Someone checked off their diversity box and joined in the cheering for good ole’ huck.
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Rick Scott’s Haiku
Hurricane Irma ultimate fidget spinner makes Atlantis real
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 2
By: William Papsmear
Huck strode valiantly into the bitter heat of the day with his head held high. It only took him about 20 paces to realize that he had no idea where he was going or what he was doing. He rolled things over in his mind again, much like how his mother would roll a fatass cig. He recalled that he had to become a smoking master, so how would he accomplish such a noble task?
He innocently asked a woman walking down the sidewalk. She nervously backed away a little and shifted her glance.
“Wh-what? You want to what?” She stammered.
“I want to become a smoking god, ma’am. Y’know, a real hero who can light a cigarette and then another without batting an eye!”
Her expression hardened.
“Well, that sounds a lot like the deadbeats who hang out at that coffee bar over there” She pointed to a dingy building across the street. There were throngs of twenty-somethings sat outside the entrance chain smoking and drinking overpriced coffee. He thanked the lady who walked off with an eye-roll unseen by Huck.
He cautiously crossed the street, narrowly avoiding getting fucking smeared across the pavement desu. He introduced himself to a group of the smokers. They hit it off and were soon deep in conversation about life and tobacco.
“If you want to become good at smoking, boy, lissen here.” Said a smoker with thick rimmed glasses, “You gotta do as much as you can. Every. Single. Day. And you gotta be willing to get right back on the horse if you fall off. It’ll take time and effort, Hell it took me my whole life, but at the end of it all you can be like me” He gave one large, strained cough “Second lung tumor and counting!”
He grinned in triumph and wiped blood out of the corner of his mouth. The rest of the group looked on in awe, but huck’s mouth hung open. He just couldn’t believe it. He was utterly floored.
“It’s gonna take me THAT LONG to be a smoking master!? No… inspiration and pure talent will make my dream come true, you’ll see.”
Everyone clapped for Huck. Even Tyrone, everyone’s favorite diversity requirement.
After a while, the barista from inside rolled up her apron and came outside for her break. She leaned against the wall of the building and lit her cig. The opaque cig paper contrasted sharply from the bright red of her lipstick. She exhaled with attitude, brushing the blonde hair out of her eyes and pouted. She sipped at a coffee and looked over at huck’s table through her curly lashes. A man crossing the street was too transfixed by the barista’s curves to look both ways and was crushed underneath the axle of a rusted pickup. His head collided with a glass of water which sprayed onto the barista who took off her jacket and wrung it all over herself.
Huck’s tent was sufficiently pitched, so he decided to start wood chopping. He walked over to her and laid out a killer line.
“heeeeeey” He smiled.
She immediately swooped in close to him. He felt cold steel on his neck.
“What’s the capital of Prague, reptilian Gman!?” She hissed in his ear.
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Greg Abbott’s Second Haiku
Hurricane Harvey wizard of oz twister scene in the lower ninth ward
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“Privilege” is a Fucking Meme
A bunch of L icensed fedora tippers T riggered by L impdick conspiritards and damn near E verything else too. F unnily enough, T rump doesn’t like them.
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“Cuck” is a Fucking Meme
A bunch of officially L icensed cum-swappers T riggered by
R eason and reality. I deology consisting of G lorifying tyranny and H appiness to receive T rump's salty load.
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SUPER INSPIRING STORY
Chapter 1
By: William Papsmear
It was fucking pissing down rain outside the hospital. Inside, piss was also raining down… onto the floor that is. The exhausted doctor was struck speechless. The sweaty woman took a breath and then let out a labored grunt. The doctor still couldn’t find the words to accurately convey what he was feeling, or what he wanted the woman to do and not do. She continued grunting and pissing until finally a crumpled mass flopped out of her. It hit the floor with a splash. The newborn child began screaming the typical screams.
That piss-born child was named Huck. Huck Horgin. He was a good kid.
At age 4, he made a card for his mom’s birthday out of computer paper. She took it with a kiss, threw some tobacco on it, and rolled it into the shittiest cigs she ever smoked. At age 8, Huck’s pet hamster died tragically. Huck’s mother comforted her distraught son by offering him his first hookah session. Alas, Huck was never comforted by his mother’s attention.
She had always shown her love through smoking, so why was this lost on her son? She would ponder this often. Did her son hate her because she smoked? Did he hate the cigar shop that they lived in and made their livelihood from? This line of thought would never fail to steam her to no end, so when Huck was 12 she decided it was time that he started to help run the cigar shop.
There was one problem though, Huck knew nothing about smokes, despite being at the mature age of twelve. Whenever a cigarette was lit in the same room as him, his stomach turned. He tried every job in the shop, but he would always end up in the bathroom vomiting within an hour. He kept trying though, because he was a good kid. His mother would watch his face contorting in agony from afar, getting steamier by the minute. Eventually, Huck and his mother reached a compromise.
And so it was that young Huck took to his new position: an ashtray.
Huck was now at the ripe, old age of 13. He got out of bed one day in late August, strapped the ashtray to his head, and walked out into the crowd of customers. Cig after cig was ashed on his head-tray. He could feel the bile forming in the back of his throat, but he fought it down. His mother was watching him work, and he was a good kid. This compromise was a little one-sided.
“When is that boy gonna take over the shop for you, Delores?” A fat man with a fatter cigar chuckled. “Does he even smoke yet?!”
Delores narrowed her eyes at her son.
“Of course he does”
Everyone was watching Huck. He took a cig and a lighter from one of the shelves. He held his breath and put it in his mouth. He lit the tobacco and vomited immediately after. He wretched on the floor. His mother fumed. Everyone laughed. A red-faced thumb of a man chimed in.
“Don’t give up, Delores. He can learn to smoke a lot of ‘other’ things! He’ll be good at it with a mug like that.” He pointed to Huck’s puckered face.
Huck’s face lit up like the end of a dart.
“YEA, I can learn to smoke all kinds of other stuff!” He said triumphantly. “I’ll do it too! I’ll smoke it all so hard… you’ll all be sorry!”
He turned to the thumb.
“Thanks for believing in me, mister!”
Huck stormed through the crowd and to the door of the shop, taking off his head-tray. He turned back toward the room one last time.
“THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME I WILL BE ON THE TOP OF THE TOTEM POLE OF SMOKERS!”
He smiled to his mother because he was still a good kid.
His mom stood there.
She was so proud of Huck.
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Bill Tries to Remember A Poem
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art just as uncomfortable, humid, and moist. Mere thought of you makes me want to fly away. Rough winds do bitch at me constantly… inasmuch you have voiced. Aye, at times you are hot as a July sun. But at the current, you simply make my dick drown in sweat. As I hope for your conclusion, assured that you have just begun. And both of your hideous stray pussies make my stomach upset. And finally, when I walk outside I must avert my eyes, Because the appearance of both you and the sun will agonize!
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A Bard’s Tale from Charlottesville
I come to charlottesville around eight. I bring my vape to my fat, pasty face. God it feels great, being part of the master race!
They say we're ignorant and childlike. Mom calls, asks me what I want for dinner tonight. "I WANT SAUSAGE AND KRAUT FIT FOR THE FOURTH REICH!" I laugh, America's future is undoubtedly white.
I wave my confederate flag at an antifa cuck, and holla at a fine aryan lady, "Hello, girl, would you be interested in a fuck?" I tip my stahlhelm, "M'lady".
But alas, I am friendzoned once more Mother wants grandchildren, and sex dolls wont cut it anymore!
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Billionaires BTFO
There once was a candidate named Bernie, of whom his kids had power of attourney. Wanted a revolution, Amend the constitution, and to do it from his nursing home gurney!
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Greg Abbott’s Haiku
A land of fairies but also of scary spooks California
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