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[wilsosa11]

The Present: Real Talk #4

What kind of story does your heart spew out? Lately, my mind has been lying to myself. Telling myself over and over again that I am alright. I'm not alright, and thats ok. Who decided that being not alright, is not ok? To that person, I say screw you. How dare you throw out the belief that pain, suffering, and all the "negative" feelings are not normal. I'm not ashamed that I am not alright. It is ok to struggle. It is ok to feel alone. It is ok to not be happy. It is ok to be angry, upset, perplexed, sad and all the feelings no one really enjoys being. The world wonders why it is so royally messed up... the answer is simple. We are living a lie. We are living in a world that tells us that feelings are better left unsaid, negative feelings are for the weak-minded and that being not ok is the most taboo emotion around. FUCK THAT! I look at myself in the mirror and speak this dialogue of wrongs. Why it's wrong to think this or that, why it's wrong to feel this way, and why am I so different than everyone else. The monologue doesn't get shorter. Each day it adds to the previous day. Why do bad things happen to good people? Or even shitty people? Wouldn't life just be easier if all moments where those of joy? Life doesn't work that way. Life says: oh you wanted this, well (like my favorite commercial) you gotta be quicker than that! The solution to this never ending problem, is to be the hare, not the turtle. Learn to accept the shitty situations, the terrible feelings and all the bull shit that gets you down quickly. By quickly, I am not referring to this notion to swipe it under the rug, I urge a practice of quick realization. Everyone gets trapped in the negative. Pull yourself out of the negative and into the positive. So you have been dealt some crap cards, what are you going to do about it? Sit there and wallow in your own self pity? Time to own the game. Own your game. Own your feelings. Here is my feelings, plain as the white walls in a doctors office. I'm not ok that some of my closest friends have bailed. --- it hurts to always replace friends and know that even though I am there for them, they aren't there for me 2. I'm not ok with the lack of support I have will be education decisions from my family, specifically my dad. --- I know and understand that he is frustrated with my decisions to switch my major, and that school took a lot longer than most people, but that's just unacceptable for me. It really hurts that I feel the backlash disappointment when we talk about school and my future. Maybe it is in the heat of the moment during an argument, but his words cut the deepest. 3. I'm not ok with how I am treated at work. --- I work hard and I really don't ask for much. The amount of under-appreciation that goes on, is just plain disrespectful. I deserve nothing but to be treated as an adult, even more so like a human being. 4. I'm not ok with vulnerability. --- it scares the hell out of me. I've been hurt too many times in the past. I bring hope to the future, but that doesn't mean it doesn't freak me out. 5. I'm not ok with my body. --- last couple weeks I have slacked off. I can feel the difference between clean and dirty eating. I feel sluggish, run down and in need of a nap. I want to feel energized again. 6. I'm not ok with the fact that there are people I can't bring myself to forgive. --- they don't deserve my forgiveness, but I deserve some peace. I hope that I can find the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Smile, even if you have tears running down your face. The way you feel is important. Good, bad, the ugly and the beautiful moments are all lapses in time in which show your heart's message. Speak from the heart, at least that is genuine. Don't let anyone invalidate your emotions. The way you feel and react is what makes you, you. Engage in your life. Feel everything. Soak up the light and the dark.

[wilsosa11]

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

Daniell Koepke (via wordsnquotes)

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[wilsosa11]

Love yourself for what you are, instead of hating yourself for what you are not.

(via motivated-mindset)

Be proud of who you are.. there is no reason to be ashamed.

[wilsosa11]

The Present: Real Talk #3

Life is a collection of moments. Whether the moments are happy or sad, unforgettable or insignificant, these moments shape your life. As I sat looking at my fading paternal grandfather, I thought about his life thus far. He is about to be 92 years old. What has he accomplished in his life? I began to reflect on all the memories I have of him. For being a short little man, Grandpa Wilson was always someone everyone could talk to. No matter where you went, I guarantee he knew someone you knew. Ninety-two years on earth. Think about that.. its a very long time. He experienced the depression. He saw the advancements we take for granted these days. Grandpa was also a writer. I guess you could say it runs in the family. Grandpa has written a daily journal since he was 21 years old. Although it was nothing really significant to the world, he wrote down his daily thoughts and progress. He spoke about meeting my grandmother to having children to struggling on the farm. The best thing about grandparents is listening to their stories, their collection of moments. I've heard stories that ought to be published for their hilarious tales of the olden days. Grandpa could tell you about his flirtations in college and watching his friends/ family all pass. When I think about my life, I question my collection of moments. How have I documented my moments? How will I remember these stories to tell to my children and my grandchildren one day. Will I be able to share stories that the youngsters could learn from or are my moments insignificant in time? Am I living a life worth tell about? I recently just watched a TedTalk about promises-- "Because I Said I Would". This man started a business of sending people promise cards. What good is it to fill your life with broken promises. It's not. If you promise to do something, DO IT. Grandpa made a promise to write everyday before he laid his head down each night. Here is my promise: I promise to myself to write more. To give myself moments worth my written word. I promise to live a life worth talking about. I would be foolish to think my writing would lead to some great story everyone knows about, but that isn't what I want. I just promise to write. To throw my thoughts down and let people read if they want to or not. If I can inspire one person to lead their life in the way they want to, my goal has been met. Are you proud of your collection? If you aren't, its never too late to change. It is never easy, but I promise it would be worth it. Lead a life full of struggle and conquer. Write your story. Become the author in your life, because who wants to have it written by someone else. XOXO-- An author of my own life, because I said so... https://becauseisaidiwould.com/

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I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

Marc Maron (via wordsnquotes)

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She wears strength and darkness equally well, the girl has always been half goddess, half hell.

Nikita Gill  (via wordsnquotes)

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She is so stubborn, her heart has an argument with her head every time it wants to beat.

Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless (via wordsnquotes)

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The Present: When The Past Creeps Up...

It has been four years since I lost my pap. I would consider myself a very strong person, or at least I come off that way. As each year passes, April 4th comes to throw me back to the day I lost him. There are special days in my life that remind me of his presence. Holidays are a big trigger, but the day of his death is nothing compared to the others. I visited him in the hospital a couple days before. He had open heart surgery and along with some complications due to his age, lead to him being placed on a ventilator. I remember talking to him and him barley able to respond due to the respirator. Pap was always the happiest man. I can maybe count on one hand the amount of times he yelled at my brothers and I. If he did yell it was usually because we were goofing off and didn’t want to clean the house. Pap was the best creator. He could make anything you asked for. I remember as a child him helping my dad make my ballet room. He never asked anyone for help, but always encouraged us to play, laugh and cherish the time you have with people. He had the hands of a hard worker, but due to his love of the kitchen, his hands were baby soft. Grandma says Pap was the cook of the house, but both are amazing in my book. It has always been a Thanksgiving tradition for me to spend the night at my grandparents and make Thanksgiving dinner with them. Thanksgiving just isn’t the same. We don’t hold it at my grandma’s, and pap isn’t there to yell at me for eating all the raw stuffing. It was April 4, 2013. My mom has been calling me everyday, sometimes multiple times a day giving me updates on pap’s condition. Mom already called that day saying that I need to have my phone on me at all times because pap is getting worse. She promised she would give me a call to come back home when I needed to be there. She didn’t want me to skip school in order to watch him deteriorate. I was an RA and holding a buildwide program, when I got the call from my mom. She was crying on the phone, saying I need to leave now. I told my supervisor that I had to leave. I grabbed my to-go bag, I previously packed in case I needed to be home. I hit the highway, trying to control my emotions until I got to the Pennsylvania line. Once I crossed the Ohio-PA line, my emotions got the best of me. I made it to the hospital in time to be there and say my goodbyes. Our entire family.. all 40+ of us cramped into a small hospital room, weeping and holding on to this hope he will just turn around and be just fine. We waiting for Uncle John to get to the hospital since he was away for work. We pulled Pap off the ventilator, and slowly, his breaths became nonexistent as we waited for the heart monitor to flatline. The shrieks filled the room as Pap slipped into a graceful permanent slumber. We all said our final goodbyes. Mom and I stayed with grandma that night. We couldn’t let her come home to an empty house. Grandma immediately started planning out his funeral outfit, as mom and I began writing his obituary. The house had this eerie air throughout.

As we met with the funeral home the next day, Grandma made it a point to make sure the funeral wouldn’t fall on my birthday. She knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle that emotion. Funeral was held on the 7th, so the day after my birthday. I was asked to do the readings at his burial, the frog in the back of my throat made me struggle to get words out. It may have been four years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. Each year as my birthday approaches, I know that the anniversary of Pap’s death and now my Uncle John’s death approaches along with it. I wake up in a somber state of remembrance. Its a hard day, but its easier than last year. I miss my Pap a lot, but nothing I do will bring him back to us. We celebrate the life he left for us. The struggles he conquered in order to give us this blessed life. In two days, I will be having my 24th birthday, and this year I will be celebrating a life I am super proud of. I have came out of my past and blossomed into my future being. Even as the past creeps back into my life, I remember that because of my past, I wouldn’t have the future I am looking at now. My history was just the stepping stone of my present life. I will never look back in regret, rather look back in thanks for the lesson. Pap, I miss you more than ever. I hope you hear my prayers, and hope you continue to watch over me until the day we meet again.

XOXO –a blessed granddaughter

[wilsosa11]

The Present: Real Talk #2

Thought of the day: Be there for people. Everyone has their own battles. Just because someone struggles differently than you, doesn’t make their struggle irrelevant. Learn to actively listen. Pause your life to just listen. I find myself realizing that the people around me lack this quality. Think to yourself.. how many of you pause your thoughts while listening to a friend, co-worker, or family member? Are you thinking about what they are saying, or the thousand other things you have going on for the day? Stop and take a moment to be there for someone. Whether it is a stranger or someone you know. Don’t give advice, unless they ask for it. Just be there. Be present. Without being present, there is no way to change the future. Be in the here and now, because a single moment can change a person’s life. People ask why I see a therapist once a week. Well its because she actively listens to me. She lets me talk about all the things running in my mind without a need to interject. Its my me time to discuss my feelings. I know lots of people find this uncomfortable, but how often do you switch how you say things for certain people in your life? Well with my therapist, I can regurgitate the flowing thoughts in my head without any worry that I am going to be judged. I urge people to try it. I find myself wishing I could meet with my therapist more often just so I have that feeling of security. To any of you out there that are struggling and realize that maybe no one has the right words to tell you, talk to a therapist, or find someone that is just willing to listen. Listen to understand, not to respond. I encourage you to take the time to truly take the time to listen for those who are coming to your for your lending ear.

XOXO- an active listener looking for others

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[wilsosa11]

Who is currently winning your battle?

[wilsosa11]

Here we are, the most clever species to have ever lived. So how is it we can only destroy the one planet we have?

Jane Goodall (via wordsnquotes)

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The Past & Present: Real Talk #1

You know when you have the same conversation over and over? That feeling of: no one is listening? Well, whether it is internal or external that conversation is important, so keep to it. I constantly have this inner battle of balancing. By balancing, I mean the act of being bold while still keeping the peace of those who surround me. I feel that I repeat myself constantly. Whether it is telling people my schedule, which never changes from week to week, but people somehow still forget or could care less about remembering. Or when I hear myself explaining why I do the things I do, and why it matters to me. It matters to me, because it is none of your damn concern. I've learned that saying "NO" is a lot harder than one would think. I mean the word itself is only two letters, but when saying it to your boss, your friends, or your family, "no" always comes at a cost. Why can't "no" be accepted as it is? No, I can't work this job for the little amount I am being paid. No, I can't call off for me to be your DD while you get shit faced out of your mind and I have to again peel you away from the bar stool you have accompanied the entire night, while I sat there watching from afar. No, I can't be like everyone else in our hometown; pregnant, married and having a stable life. Why is it so hard to accept that people have different ways of doing things? I am an unconventional student, by lack of a better reason, I've switched my major 3 times thanks to my lack of using the word, "NO". I have the perpetual tendency to follow the ideals everyone has laid out for me. The battle of being a bold Aries, has always been placed at the back of the line. It was easier to follow the path that was there in front of me. Or so I thought. It was spring semester of my third year of college, when I really realized how big of a mistake it truly was for me. I looked around at my life and thought, how much of this am I doing for me. I couldn't come up with anything. I felt that I was obligated to continue on the path I started, but I knew that it would lead me to a 50yr old life of unhappiness and depression. This was my chance to change my life. I switched my major, but i just couldn't get my life back. The boldness was nothing but a dull ache inside my soul. I really tried to do it all by myself. It wasn't until year 6 of undergrad that I couldn't handle it anymore. I knew if I didn't take a leap of faith, I would still be on this never ending cycle of disappointments. I knew that I had to change the mind set I had in place for myself. So that's where we are at. I chose me. I used the word "NO". I figured out what I truly wanted out of life, and the rest has just fallen into place. Now don't think it was just as easy as it sounded. It look me months to figure out how to control my urges of self degradation. By changing my thoughts, my actions slowly caught up to reflect. I know I started with a tangent, but here is what I want for you to grasp. The conversations you keep repeating are the ones that matter. Keep telling yourself your goals, remind everyone else that even if you have to repeat yourself 15 times, the answer isn't changing. You are in charge of your destiny and you alone. Take the reigns and don't forget to believe in yourself, because if you don't love yourself, no one else will either... XOXO-- A young adult learning "NO" for the 2nd time

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