wingedhead-archive-blog

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hello friends, long time no posts. due to a number of reasons, mostly to do with HYDRA cap & a beyond disappointing cap 3 movie (imho) i had less than zero inspiration to do anything with steve, ya know, beyond the desire to punch him in the face. but steve is near & dear to my heart, my idiot patriotic son. so i have recently found the inspiration and desire to play him again so on that note- his blog is now an ARCHIVE , nothing new will be posted here. the blog is now located @starshielded​ & i hope a lot of you will decide to continue to follow me over there.

TLDR; this blog is moved to here

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mass unfollow, don’t take it personally, or do. i honestly don’t care anymore.

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tbh with you all, steve is still salty about the 1936 olympics and will bitch about it to anybody who will listen. 

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@ironarmored

“ look. i’ve been incredibly patient about this. “ & no steve really doesn’t appreciate the dubious look that tony is giving him over that statement. he’s not get the best reputation when it comes to being a good patient-- but he’s put in enough hospital time in his life. he’s not keen to spend more than he absolutely has to. 

“alright well, incredibly patient FOR ME. they wanted me & ian overnight for observation & it’s morning. if i can’t get one concrete reason as to why i need to be here than i’m going home. “ it’s been weeks for him since he’s slept on his own bed, since he’s been able to relax his guard. 

he wants to be HOME. he wants to bring his son (if not by blood than choice) home. 

“ and i’m bringing my son with me.” 

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Gonna stream two super stevetony episodes of Avengers Assemble if anybody wants to join me?

Starting in about 5 minutes.

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OF COURSE STEVE IS GOING ABOUT THIS WRONG & of course he’s making tony nervous. any sense of it covered as well as tony can conceal anything but steve shouldn’t forget that just because tony is good at hiding things that are-- messy, it didn’t mean they weren’t there, that he didn’t feel that sinking feeling in his stomach that meant a dread he had no words for.

“ i’m sorry, i don’t mean to scare you.  i’m not trying to-- to do this WRONG “

though he figured perhaps-- there was no right way to say what needed to be said. no amount of flowery language that could heal the the hurt this news would undoubtedly cause. but this topic was--hard to broach. they hadn’t spoken of tony’s parents. ( to say it was a prickly topic, would be to put it far too lightly. ) but there is a history there, a story he had no hand in writing but he thinks he probably influenced anyway. steve never wants to hurt him is the thing-- so it would never occur to him that hurting him might be something that’s better for tony. so he doesn’t talk about howard-- but now, he’s got no choice in it.

tony says start anywhere & steve supposes he’s right. it doesn’t matter how he does about this-- he has to tell tony that his parents were murdered. no amount of tact will take that information away or change it.

“ you’re right. of course you’re right. “

tony knew about what occurred in washington DC, the infiltration of shield, the winter soldier & his real identity. 

“ your parents. i know it’s something we don’t talk about and you know i’d never push for things you’re not comfortable talking about. but when i-- confronted zola, he implied that what happened to them wasn’t as-- accidental as it was meant to appear. i don’t know all the facts, but i believe that hydra gave an order to have them... well-- you know what happened to them. “ he doesn’t know if it’s right, that he still has his arm around tony when he’s just told him he was orphaned because steve never fulfilled his promise of taking out every bit of hydra. he just knows he wishes he could make this easier-- less painful, so he rubs the hand still braced around tony against his lower back, hoping it gives him some comfort. some proof he is not alone in this. not alone in anything, because he has steve now. 

APPREHENSION CATCHES IN THE CAGE OF HIS RIBS,  the barest suggestion of  doubt,  nothing yet certain enough to sway fear.  steve is a man of action,  yet words on his tongue have never been more  HISTORIC,  nor worthy of immortalisation,  when he speaks as if the  sheer gravitas  of each word could inspire an army to march to the gates of hell if need be.  battle titans,  overthrow dictators,  save entire civilisations                 he stands a giant amongst men for that  UNWAVERING INTEGRITY,  righteousness in truth  &  the bravery to pursue it at all costs.

he can’t imagine what’s strangling his honesty from him,  but he won’t deny the hand that slides around him and tugs him close for the brush of warm lips to his forehead.

❛     now you’ve actually got me a little  nervous.     ❜   a murmur of  mock disgruntlement.  his mouth twitches,  compelling himself against the urge to launch into a quest of  interrogation.  hesitation persuades patience from him,  a gentleness that comes in the soft concern of dark eyes  &  the careful tilt of his face.  the outline of a kiss lingers lightly,  an entreaty of  reassurance         that safety  &  comfort will always be found here so long as he is his,  against the curve of steve’s jaw.

❛     start anywhere,  it doesn’t matter.  whatever it is,  you can tell me.  no more deadpanning;  i’ll be good.     ❜

[wingedhead-archive-blog]

"🙋" + Guilt, particularly over Bucky's death? (sorry not sorry)

maybe it’s the catholic in him--maybe it’s the belief that if you as a good person, allow bad things to happen when you could have done something to stop them that you’re part of the problem. steve carries a lot on his shoulders, he always has. long before he was captain america it was potential guilt at not standing up for himself & others that drove steve into so many fights. if you can stand up for yourself-- or somebody who can’t, than you should. that’s just-- true north kind of belief that drives steve. it’s kind of the core of him.

that said, steve has massive amounts of survivor’s guilt. but only some of that is bucky--steve feels guilty that he gets to live while so many others just as worthy have not. but at a certain point guilt over bucky-- first over his ‘death’ & then later over steve’s part in the chain of events that lead to bucky becoming the winter solider become-- representative of, all the guilt. all the loss he doesn’t know how to deal with. all the feelings of ‘why am i alive?’ and bucky and what happens to bucky & how steve couldn’t or didn’t stop it-- becomes a lynchpin.

that is why steve would, could & absolutely will do anything to save bucky-- because if he saves bucky, maybe he won’t wake up in the morning wondering why he’s there to watch the sun come up without anybody there next to him to share it with. that if he can save bucky, he can, somehow-- save himself too. that he won’t have to feel so guilty anymore just because he’s alive.

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Send "🙋" + any headcannons you want to know about my muse.

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THERE REALLY HADN’T BEEN A CHOICE. thrown into this world & this time like the deep end of a pool, but more like an ocean really. at first steve had felt like nothing so much as a stone, heavy and weighted with his own history & grief. like all his strength was not enough to keep his head above the waterline, no matter how furiously he kicked his feet and struggled. like all the air, all the lightness and buoyancy had gone out of him.

then-- just when he’d thought he would slip under, drown alone in the dark & cold water again. he felt like there was a grip around his biceps, underneath his shoulders something and someone who cared enough to lift him up. save him from himself.

      that was THE AVENGERS. 

not all their world saving was the dramatic flash of ruined cities, it wasn’t all armies of aliens from outer space and huge smouldering wreckage from the burnt remains of one doomsday device or another. sometimes it was a was as simple-- as quiet as tony opening up his home to him-- to all of them. sometimes saving somebody's life could be a quiet little thing-- a different kind of heroism than running into a battle shield first against stacked odds. 

steve knew that, because it was the way he’d been saved. not from any world ending threat-- but from himself. still hard to thank him-- because tony would cut him off, kissing steve to silence. never letting him finish.

but of course, tony would save him. tony was heroism itself-- modern heroism embodied really. heroism that didn’t just save the world from the big world-ending threats...but worked at building it better everyday-- on the big & small scales.

tony never saw that though, only saw--- bloody hands & the chance for self-redemption but steve has kissed those knuckles, felt the sweet rough catch of those mechanic’s callouses against his face, his neck-- all over. he’d never tasted copper on them, or flinched away from their touch. 

even now-- even with ULTRON. it doesn’t change anything. tony saved him and steve-- steve wants to save tony back. wants to catch him when he falls. already failed him once because he should have seen. seen the fear in tony’s eyes and known somebody was trying to manipulate him. 

      & he knows how much tony hates that. hates being manipulated. being used for the worst aspects of what his brain was capable of.

steve should have protected him -- but he’d been too distracted by his own thoughts. too busy with his renewed bloodlust for hydra, for his own side search for bucky barnes. for all the people steve should be saving lately-- he’s not saved much of anybody at all. not even himself. 

he has to DO BETTER. he can do better. 

( can save tony from himself the way that tony saved him from himself. a beautiful & poetic symmetry. the way they can compliment each other at their best. )

“ all of you, yes. “ tony was part of them, a fundamental part, part of the foundation of this. whatever this still was. the avengers, so mighty but cracked along fault lines. but they haven’t fallen apart yet. and as tony was prone to reminding him ‘we can rebuild it. we have the technology’ laughing at the references that steve didn’t get and didn’t have to-- not if it made tony smile like that. so maybe there was hope for them, the avengers. & just maybe-- for steve & tony as well. 

and tony is whispering to him that he doesn’t think he’s a saint. it’s both a lie & an absolute truth. steve knows that because he knows how tony values him, his happiness but by the same turn-- ignores his own well being. devalues himself and his contributions. & steve tries to tell him that it’s not that way, that he wouldn’t be with tony if he thought tony were---not worth it.

       TONY IS WORTH IT. he will always be worth it to steve. 

                                               ( he should have told tony that more than he has.)

“ okay, not a saint but--still worth more than you right? in the equations that big brain of yours spits out. i know you think i’m-- better or.. or more important than you. “ he hates the words even as he says them, lip wobbling threateningly before he bites it into stillness.

tony is cradling his face, palms on his cheeks and fingers into his hair. like there’s an edge of desperation to it, like tony thinks he’s not going to be allowed to touch him like this much longer. like he’s expecting to be rebuffed for it even now. steve learns into it even more because of that, like he can still soothe this one fear. like he can still the hero tony needs for him to be at the moment. 

“ i’m not in the habit of saying things i don’t believe. “ but it’s not enough-- can’t just say that. he opens his eyes. gives tony the full weight of his gaze, the truth of his convictions, the unshakeable foundation of him. 

   “ i think everything you do is motivated by love. ”

“ for us, for the world, for science and the infinite possibilities you see in it to help people. you love the world & the future. i think-- it think it’s the best part of you. you have so much capacity to care about people tony. “

COMPLACENCY LANGUISHES IN THE  spaces between unspoken truths,  tangles at his feet  &  threatens to swallow whole any shred of certainty.  he’s  TONY STARK,  heartbreakers  &  lotharios can eat their goddamn hearts out but give him an  honest man  willing to want him without limits and he’ll turn tail and run till he’s left with nothing but remorse  &  dust.  superficiality is the  EASY COMFORT  he slips into like a second skin,  the consummate playboy playing his part,  dancing to the tune his lovers love to sing. 

there’s a list of alphabetized,  chronological  reasons why it shouldn’t be him.

he’s never considered himself a man lacking courage yet in the face of steve’s  bravery,  he’s reduced to nothing but hollowed inadequacies  &  numbing doubt.  what does steve see when he looks at him,  truly  ?   golden avenger,  GILDED AVENGER,  teammate  &  partner,  propped up by legend  &  the immortality of heroes.  and then there’s the  man.  a lost cause,  at worst,  and at best someone for whom disappointment is an inevitability. 

(   undeserving.    )   the simplest way of describing it.  because though he shares,  unstitches his safeguards to let steve past them,  he’s never going to be capable of complete transparency.  such horrors lie in wait for him here in the shadows of his mind,  CATALYSTS  for disasters like  ultron,  and nightmares for hellscapes tailored to his own design.  and if it isn’t these failings that inevitably leave him at a loss,  grasping for the golden facade of the kind of man steve could want,  it’ll be another he hasn’t yet discovered. 

defeat is too familiar a taste of copper  &  old metal in his mouth to fight forever for those that he loves with the knowledge they are better off set free from him  &  all his miseries.  maybe it makes him a  coward  for wanting to evade the fallout awaiting him after this but they say,  they echo in worship or derision his laughing self-styled epithet, that  HE IS A FUTURIST.  all that will be  &  all that has yet to become,  he sketches with steady hand in the very schematics of iron suits,  outpourings of dedication  &  tireless exertion into  THE AVENGERS,  into  THE MARIA STARK FOUNDATION,  stark industries.  saving the best of those efforts for the ones who’ve earned his heart.  at the very least,  it won’t be said that he didn’t try. 

❛     didn’t give you much of a choice, did they ?  they’re easy to love.     ❜   lips quirking sharp,  and sweet,  he lets the smile form colored in fondness. 

to be perfectly sincere with himself despite a lifetime’s habit of artful self-deception,  he doesn’t know if he can be what steve needs.  he might be now,  but in a year ?  in ten ?  pragmatism  &  worldviews steeped in so much pessimism dictate that he can’t.  not sustainably so.  and certainly not forever.  and to any end where this outcome ultimately matters,  he isn’t selfish enough not to be content with that. 

he has luck beyond any quantifiable measure of fortune  &  happiness.  steve’s happy,  steve’s happy,  he thinks.  and he can’t not be grateful for that.

❛     i don’t think you’re a saint.     ❜   the only concession he’s capable of in a muttered undertone that seems to sting him with every word;  and still half-lie.

bolder than he feels,  though steve’s never been known to reject his touch, especially like this,  he takes steve’s face into his hands,  draws them into each other close enough that he can count each lash framing the blue of steve’s eyes.  rough, engineer’s palms stroke back across steve’s cheeks, settling into strands of soft hair with an urgency that seems spontaneous.  as if he could impress upon steve the entire meaning  &  weight of what he’s about to ask with the sweep of his hands. 

❛    do you believe that ?  that i’d do anything to save someone        the people        i LOVED  ?     ❜

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‘What Batman and I do isn’t all adventure and cheap thrills. There’s a commitment and it’s never an easy one.’

                                                                                                                             credit

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okay-- so i am trying to like get things happening over here. so to rly give this a shot, this is a starter call! i will be really selective about it only bc my muse and will to rp steve right now is so tentative and fragile.  

give it a like, size will vary. 

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i’m trying really hard to be here guys but i’m not going to lie it’s hard and it’s only made harder by the fact that i felt like only 2 blogs would legitimately care if i deleted. so just i don’t know-- talk to me? be my friend? i don’t know guys, i really don’t know. i’m trying so hard but steve used to fill me with passion to write & now i just feel hollow and empty. 

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omg guys all these new followers & i haven’t done shit in like a week. 

i ain’t even worthy tbh. 

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hiatus notice i will be camping with my family from tonight to Sunday. I will be back to normal either Sunday night or Monday depending. See you then folks.

-laur

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Will I ever stop being salty about Steve being in the wrong museum in TWS? Probably not.

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does anybody do  graphic commissions for promos & mobile banners? i desperately need new ones for this blog & @birdbraiin

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god i was so excited & hopeful for steve to be young again & back to being cap. and then i read it and i’m just like....... marvel why do i ever bother to even hope for things anymore?