wlkngonbrknglass-blog

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Low key though, I think I’m losing my butt. I need to work out more.... LOL I have lost a bunch of weight from this break up though. i only weigh 130 something. So I should eat more, and work out more. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

I also told him about R**... and he stopped responding, but i just wanted to make sure he knew.... then i said, ill let you go do you, good luck. maybe bringing up r*** was too much. hehe... it was probably too much. But anyways, I won’t talk to him for a while. so. yeah. :) I’ll be good. I am doing a lot better actually. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Me

Im going to do me. I wasted a lot of my energy on him. Hrm. I just had faith in him being a good person. 

I can’t wait to go home, go to school!! KJFHAJKF wooohooo! 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

good boy

Good. He texted me today saying 

“I really don’t like the way this ended, but I really do just want to be left alone. I know I haven’t made it easy on you, but I really do wish you the best.” 

which is want a near adult would do. So I will accept that. Good. I knew he had a heart somewhere. He isn’t that big of an asshole. He respected me enough to say that and I will take it. Thats all I wanted. He can go off and do his own thing now. 

I told him I had his stuff and will give it to him on my last day in SF. I told him that confidence and ambition looked good on him. He said thank you. We told me that I shouldn’t have involved so many people. I told him that I only did it bc he ignored me and I didn’t understand how he wanted to be friends then block me out. So i told him I would give him his space. Ill leave him alone to do his thing. 

Im content. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Damn, just when I put you on And I thought we’re getting stronger Now your heart’s far from home But it’s cool, I don’t want you no more You messed up, boy you got that I’m good, ain’t no comebacks You did this, I’ma run that I’m good It’s cool, I don’t want you no more

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Looking forward to...

- SoCal with lily! June 17th :D So I will drive down June 16th at like 10pm. 

- LA till June 21st. then I come back to SF and pack things up! I should start boxing things up. 

- Leave this place all behind. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

One day,

I will wake up and he won’t be the first thing on my mind. 

I can’t wait for that day. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Im doing better and I love it :) 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

I feel like writing helps. It makes me realize what I’m feeling. Like right now, I am kind of sad. But I’m also hopeful. If he doesn’t make it right, I will. I realize I can’t control anyone but myself. I can control how I deal with the situation. Everything I do, I do me, its who I am. If i over react, if I'm overbearing, its me. So I will not say sorry for who I am, I will only apologize for not knowing how it made anyone else feel.

“Im really sorry for how the way things ended with us.” I want him to say sorry too. I will say sorry but I want to hear him say that. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

ENFP-T

Campaigners go all-in with their relationships, and if they fall apart despite their efforts, they can end up plagued with questions about why the relationship failed and what they could have done differently – without a buoy, these thoughts can crush Campaigners’ self-esteem as they sink into depression. It’s important for Campaigner personalities, as with anyone, to remember that relationships are in all ways mutual – mutual interest, mutual growth, and mutual responsibility – and they can’t be solely accountable.

After a trial like this, Campaigners may be reluctant to open up and commit, and it can take years for a partner to navigate their bewildering depth and intensity, falsely believing that Campaigners’ enthusiasm and apparent openness means that they wear everything on their sleeves. The reality is that Campaigners’ spontaneity, the seeming inconsistency and erraticism the untrained eye sees, isn’t a product of flightiness or lack of depth, but the opposite – it is a drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy, in the confines of a physical world, and underlying it all is the uniting principle of love, expressed in many different ways, but unshakeable and infinite at its core.

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Better

I have just learned to embrace my feeling and not lock them up. If I feel like crying, I am going to let it out. Because afterwards, it feel better. I have been so much happier lately. 

I have realized that I deserve someone who gives a damn about me, even in the slightest. Who respects me even when I am no longer associated with them. Someone who acknowledges my existence. We don’t even have to be friends, being a person and being treated like a person would be awesome. IDK Maybe he is healing, maybe he’s trying to move on. He’s told me he’s moved on. He sucks a communication. I am just trying to understand his point of view, he always says that I don’t understand his point of view but he can’t see mine. But at least I try to understand him. 

I don’t think he’s normally like this. I don’t think that he is usually that mean to me. I guess maybe he’s in the hating me phase. I had that phase with him too. I just wish he told me he needed more time. I wish he told me what he wanted rather than ignore me. Being ignored is the worst. Idk what he’s going through or maybe this IS the real him. I just try to think the best about everyone , give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe thats why I forgive everyone. I hate my heart for being so friggin big. Mommy told me to love everyone, do them all right, give them the benefit of the doubt bc you never know what they are going through. GAH! I guess I am angry with myself sometimes for being nice. Its gotten me into some trouble with myself. 

Anyways. I will take my time. I will do my own thing. Its been good. I bought myself flowers the other day, I need to clean this room up, I need to pack and stuff. I am looking forwards to picking Lily up :) I can’t wait!!! I will move out of SF by the end of June/ beginning of July. And then I will just clean the apartment in hopes of getting part of the security deposit back. 

My plan is that my last day in SF, i’ll just do the last drive to SF and SJ by myself. Ill only have the last few things in the car: his desk table, his bed stand table, his shoes, his laundry stuff, his stool. Idk I was planning on catching him as he gets home from work. IDK July 31st is a monday so Idk how ill be able to get him out of the house. I’ll figure something out. Maybe I can get Dalia or Sheredria to tell him to come outside. I just want to give him his shit back and offer him his shoes as a peace offering. Maybe Ill do it July 30th bc thats a Sunday and he works Sunday nights. IDk. I’ll figure it out. I’ll just hand him the shoes at first I guess? I’ll be like.. “I have something for you, I know you might not want it but it was meant for you, it always was. I wanted to give you this as a peace offering I guess. You can do whatever you want with it, if you don’t like it, sell it, give it to someone else. Can you try it on though?”  I want him to try it on, to see how it feels and looks on him. Idk in my head, everything works out. In my head, if it goes bad, it still goes well. It’ll be the last time he hears from me bc ill be in SJ. SO thats the bad version. In the good version, he accepts my peace offering and my apology and we be friends. Because I’ll be in SJ anyways, so I won’t even see him often. 

In my head. everything works out. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Ignored

A few days ago I was hanging out to J***** and P****l. I had planned the day in bed but J**** was having some troubles with C****, so I decided of course Imma hang out with her and make her happy because she’s always got my back! Anyways, right when I got into P****s car , J**** asked what i was doing later, I said “nothing.” So she invited me to a Giants game and I'm like hell fuck it, what else would I be doing? Sitting at home doing nothing so I should go out and have some fun! And so i ran back in and got myself another jacket bc it was COLD. 

We went to to a sushi place near Bobo’s and then we got some liquor and these 3 cute little bottles of Cazadores Tequila. And we were just out by the water in the Marina and drank it all! and smoked and P**** taught me how to roll a Backwood. And we just were jamming out having a good time. We then got to Dheli afterwards and I checked snap and realized that G**** sent me a snap of her and M***** going to the game. I was like... shit. my heat was panicking so fast, I was having an anxiety attack. Even writing about it now I can feel my heart beating so quickly out of my chest I want to jump or smoke a cigarette to make it okay , to calm myself down. ( I was very bad. I smoked so many cigarettes that day.) 

So I went to the Giants game and when I got there, J***, P*** and I sat at a section 331 but everyone at cheese was 330. So we went over after a bit. Anyways, when I got there, I said hi to everyone to be nice because I haven’t seen everyone in a while. M***, A****, and G***** were sitting behind him and Sheredria so I said hi to M****, A**** and G****, and when i got to them, they didn’t even look at me. Honestly, I was ignored. truly honestly. So i said “Hi! Excuse me!” as I walked past them and said hi to K**** and J* not he other side of M***** and S*****. IDK but it just made me so disappointed. Like, what?! After everything we have been through and you can’t acknowledge my presence? You must be the pettiest person EVER. LOL anyways. I walked back over and I said excuse me again and he goes “ Are you good?” LOL so I laugh and say “Yeah Im good are YOU good?!” and made my way to my seat. And then when I left, I said bye to everyone and then squeezed them both on their shoulders and said good bye and said good bye to J*. 

I felt like I did the right thing. I was an adult about the situation. They were assholes that ignored me and didn’t acknowledge me. Being ignored is the worst feeling ever EVER. Especially when they saw me. I know they saw me because he hugged J****! and ignored me. IDK. I guess its over and done with. It just disappoints me how he acted. IDK. I guess I expected more from him. I always thought he was a good person. I guess I’ll just be a good person and do me. I will be an adult about it because I control what I do. I can’t control how he feels what he does. So I’ll focus on me. I guess I always had the best intentions for him. I was naive. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

I get that I’m bothering him. I get that he’s mad that I brought other people involved. It’s because I had so many unanswered questions that he obviously didn't want to answer. He just never gave me the right chance. He gave me a chance; yes. right after the relationship when I was no where near ready for friendship. I was so deeply in love with him I didn’t know how to stop. Its like a train with no breaks making its way down a hill and wants to continue to roll after crashing and burning. 

I wish that once day, he recognizes what he did was childish and immature. I wish he could have communicated to me what he wanted. I was the complete opposite of him. I wanted him to know everything I was doing and why I was doing it so he could understand me. I tried to be as transparent as possible. I told him that I wish I hated him so it would be easier to stop loving him. He made it so hard. Seeing him everywhere on social media, on snap chat, on other people’s snap chat. I was jealous I wasn’t with them; when they were all hanging out together I wish  was there. So yes, I did unfriend him, I did delete him off of snap. I did it because it didn’t help me get over loving him. I don’t think he understands that. I think he thinks I did it to get back at him for hurting me. He says its irrational! 

And yes, he let me use his car to go home to SJ, and I did write him a PDF file about the things I would miss about him. and I did write him a letter back and front to him. I did it because I felt like he needed to know that he was loved. The worst feeling is to feel empty, to feel worthless and not thought about. I never want him to feel that way. So i made sure that he knew that he was loved and cared and thought about and that doing this wasn’t easy for me to stop loving him. I guess I did it because that’s how I would have wanted it. I would have wanted someone to tell me that they cared about me, that leaving me was hard to do, that I was important. 

I am just baffled by the extreme measures that he took. To block me on FB, to ignore my texts, to not answer calls, to block my number. Isn’t that extensive when you could have avoided it all by telling me you needed more space. My telling me that you needed more time. by telling me “ I will contact YOU when I am ready to do so.” 

It’s never a clean break. It never is. I just hoped that it would be. I guess we both needed time off from each other. And I think that now is that time. 

I want another chance to be his friend. I do. 

I want to do it correctly. Maybe later, when we have had some time to really reflect on this. Maybe when we’ve cleared all the emotions for one another. But definitely not anytime soon. Friendship after a break up is always hard. Just air it out like a fart you know XP HAHAHA! I just need to be patient, work on me. I was thinking when I get the shoes I got for him, because only HE would ever wear these shoes I got and he's the only I know with friggin 12 sized men shoes. When I get these shoes, when I have finally moved out of here. I will go to his place and I will wait patiently to run into him. Ill probably ask him to come sit down somewhere and try on the shoes. I hope he loves the shoes. I want it to be a peace offering that we could start fresh. Start off as friends this time. And then I will say, oh hey by the way, there are these 2 tables an ex left at my house and I don’t know where he went so did you want them? And it will be funny, and thats how our new friendship will start. 

I still need to talk to him about canceling my wifi bc its under his name. I need to talk to him about getting off my 24 hr fitness account bc ill probably get it at costco. Yeah. I want a fresh start, which is a lot to ask for. I know I am fully aware. But I just have this gut feeling that if i give it enough time, it will work. So I guess I should stay positive. Do me. Focus on me. 

I think we could have been awesome friends. I think I know him pretty well, even his dark sides to be good friends with him. IDK. thats just what I think. One day he will meet the perfect girl for him and I want to be there and say YES! She is great and you guys will be so fucking happy together because I know that I was never right for him. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

I hope he stops being so stubborn and will contact me in the future. I do, I really wish he says “I’m sorry for how I acted.” God I would love to hear that. I mean, I will have to talk to him eventually. I need him to cancel the wifi. I need to return these 2 tables to his apartment. I need to give him these shoes I bought for him way back when. I need to take him off my 24 hr fitness account. It’ll be fine. He needs to be mature about it. Blocking someone on Facebook, blocking their number, ignoring texts, its all very childish. He needs to grow up and react differently to this situation. He will come around eventually. He just needs some time to think about it. I will give him his time to be okay with this. I hope he comes back and talks to me about how immature he's been though and I hope he realizes that I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I want him to say sorry to me. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

“love lost is never a love wasted”

I felt so worthless for a while. I felt like I was thrown aside. I felt so used. I was so hurt inside. I thought I had wasted so much time pouring my soul into this other human being that I could never possibly do the same to any one else.

But then I realized that I didn't waste any time. I learned from it, if anything. But I look back at my past relationships and I can say that I loved them all. When I love, I give my all, I fall so deep. This last relationship, I fell so deep I felt like I was gasping for air and drowning. But I won’t let me from ever loving someone again. I realize that there are good people in the world. There are people who care about me and love me and will love me. Lost love is never a love wasted. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

“In order to move forward...

... you need to understand the past. “

Right now, I don’t understand it. 

I keep feeling I did something wrong. I was doing so well trying to get my life together to be friends with him. I realized if he didn’t love me, it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. I got asked out to 4 dates since I’ve stopped talking to ***.  Given, I was in no shape to start another relationship, but I just knew I would be able to find someone who treated me right. And that boosted my confidence. And I realized I was doing me and that attracted people. I was simply serving! Or I was drawing on a chalk board outside minding my own business! Or I was out with my friends that night to hang out! I knew I was going to be fine. I was fine. 

I think that ***’s ego was so big thinking I was still in love him with, thinking that I haven’t changed and I was heads over heels for him. But I can get the hint. I knew he didn’t want a relationship with me, so why force it. Why force it? I miss it, sure. I think our relationship was real. It felt real, I felt love. To love and be loved is such a magical feeling that people search their life for. And I had it for a while, and I will again! Its not over for me. But I think that *** thought I was still wrapped around his finger. Did I stop loving him too fast for him to handle? Did it surprise him that I stopped loving him so quickly and was ready to be friends already? I just... All these un answered questions. 

[wlkngonbrknglass-blog]

Naive

I have this hope that everyone gives their all, everyone gives their best. I have this optimistic view that everyone has a good heart. 

I guess I am just naive. 

Sometime I wish that I was cold hearted. I try to be sometimes,to block my feelings out, but it feels fake. I believed that *** had such a good heart. I still believe he has a good heart. I thought maybe he was hurting still and he wasn’t ready to be friends, but if that were the case, couldn’t he have told me he needed more time? It seems like such a simple concept. How could he say that he gave me a chance to be friends, and then when I was mentally ready, he ripped everything I thought would happen away from me. Did he realize how much strength it took me to not love him like a significant other? Did he not realize how much harder it is to be friends with someone after a relationship; right after loving someone with every fiber of my being, to suddenly stop those feelings and love them a different type of way? Did he not realize that I would do anything to be there and support him because never have I forgotten that we used to love each other, we used to do anything for each other, we used to care for each other. 

Why didn’t he respect me enough to tell me that he no longer saw a spot for me in his life? Why didn’t he tell me that he stopped caring about me? 

I sometimes think, maybe he was being the martyr. Maybe he was being so mean to me because he thought that me talking to him hurt me. And I think, maybe he still cares about me. But I know I’m wrong. I know int he back of my mind he’s moved on, he doesn’t think about me when he sees a dog, or the Hawaii trip he promised me earlier. I am moved on from loving him as well, but I still care about him. I see something like the new Guardians ride at Disneyland, and it reminds me of him!  Thats not bad, that’s what friends do. I just had so much hope that he was a good guy. He only seemed like a good guy. But why can’t I stop caring about him because he doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. I wonder if he gets home safely. I wonder how he’s doing in school. I wonder how his grandma is doing because I know she means so much to him. 

Did I do something wrong along the line? I told him I needed time to love him differently; to love him like a friend. I told him that I was angry at him for being a shitty friend at first. I told him I’d tell him when I was ready. And all along, he had me thinking that he was waiting for me to be okay. I thought he cared if I was doing okay. I thought maybe, just maybe, he would be excited to start a new chapter of friendship with me! Maybe I wasted my time. Maybe I was too naive to see that he was only saying that so he would feel better. I told him exactly what I was doing; my healing process. I told him everything. I needed him to be patient. 

If he didn’t want me to bother him with my texts, then why did he he let me continue to think that way I did. Why did he let me continue with the hope of us becoming friends. 

I hope that one day, he will come back and apologize for the way he acted. I hope he grows up and realizes that he was in the wrong. He was a real jerk for letting me think that we could continue as friends. It would have been easier to just hate him and continue with my life. I just had so much hope in his good heart. I thought he would treat me with respect at the very least, to tell me with me asking that I shouldn’t have my hopes of being friends up. He told me he wanted to be friends. I don’t know what changed along the line. I don’t understand it. I keep feeling like I am the one to blame because he keeps rejecting me. I wish he had the decency to sit me down, and tell me good luck, but I can’t be friends with you right now. Why couldn’t he be nice about it. Why did he have to be so mean so cold. Maybe that’s why I think it wasn’t him who said it. Thats why I think he is still hurting inside. But he’s not hurting! I don’t know, i just think he’s not hurting. Maybe I took to long to tell him I was okay with being friends. But it was a such a gentle process from loving someone to loving them as a friend. 

I know I deserve better. I know I don’t need him in my life. I just keep thinking he needs something right now that others can’t give him. I worry if he’s okay. I keep thinking he is all alone. Maybe because I feel all alone.