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wordnerd1977-blog · 6 years ago

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You’re Alive

This started as an analogy essay assignment for a college writing course and became something very personal to me.

I knew how to swim, every movement had been stored deep in muscle memory by hundreds of hours of practice. I learned to pull and kick through the water at an early age, using only proper techniques for optimal efficiency. And still I found myself slowing as exhaustion seeped deep into my bones. I tried to float, to simply exist there in the water. There was a time when I had been adept at it, too good really because no one took noticed of me struggling. Now the water pulls at me; my body weighed down by everything I carry with me. I'm terrified to feel so utterly helpless.

I've forgotten how I got here and have lost all sense of direction; I am alone in murky, open waters beneath the vastness of the night sky. I have no clue how long I’ve been treading water, but every muscle in my body burns in the struggle to keep my face above the surface. My mind begins to play tricks on me in my exhaustion; it feels that I’ve been near-drowning through every phase of my life, that there isn’t a single memory left untarnished by this fight to survive.

The physical agony of constant choking and the mental torment of gasping for every watery breath is so unendurable that the fear of dying becomes less frightening than continuing on this way. The only solution I see to end the torture is to stop resisting the inevitable. Still, it takes time to let go: hours? days? years? I tap into the dregs of my energy reserves to surge upward, sucking in as much beautiful, life-giving oxygen as my lungs can hold before I slip fully beneath the water.

My mind mocks me for desiring that final breath, for savoring the feel of it flowing through me. The ecstasy is short lived as I sink deeper; the need to breathe begins as an unpleasant heat in the center of my chest, but liquid fire quickly bursts outward, my throat convulsing while my body spasms. The first rush of water that floods my lungs activates primal panic in every muscle fiber to fight the invasion; every synapse in my brain fires to process my way out of this dire situation. And so my body flails, battling my mind’s decision to just let go.

The pain is excruciating, but impossible to scream through. It intensifies exponentially before finally fading away, leaving me blissfully numb. I realize how thoroughly tired I am. Finally, I can rest. The last sight I see as my eyelids flutter shut is silver moonlight rippling through the leagues of water above me.

I surface slowly, warm and dry, wheezing in a breath; the sterile, cool air smells of coffee and disinfectant. Opening my eyes, my foggy mind registers that I am tucked tight into a firm bed, in a dimly lit room. Turn my head, I see an angel gazing out of the window, crossed arms holding tight to herself. She turns to me and smiles softly. “You’re alive.”

Thank you for reading. Mental health and depression are very real. For any of you dealing with depression, your feelings are valid even if your thoughts have turned against you. I understand. I battle it every single day. I did give up, I gave in to the self-loathing, the ruminations, the darkness that ate at me every moment. I was too ashamed to reach out. I felt that it meant I was weak, so I tried to deal with it alone. The irony is, getting help to fight my own mind was the most difficult thing I have ever done. There is no shame in depression, in bipolar disorder, in anxiety. Reach out. Get help. There really is goodness and happiness left in this world. And you are needed.

#essay #analogy #original fiction #flash fiction #mental health #depression #bipolar #suicide prevention #get help #mental health awareness #writing #reading #my writing

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wordnerd1977-blog · 6 years ago

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Just Watch

Just some goopy, gay SuperCorp fluff.

I originally posted this on my AO3 account. But it’s my favorite baby (so far) and I wanted it to share it here.

Story Notes: Lena knows that Kara is Supergirl. Also, Lena and Kara are not together. Also x 2, Maggie is still around.

Kara had had a supremely shitty day. Not just a “dude, that sucked and I'm beat” kind of shitty day. But a seriously shitty day. A violent branch of EPO (Earth Power Organization) had been hunting down harmless aliens throughout National City for several weeks. Supergirl and her fellow DEO agents had been pushing themselves to their physical and mental limits trying to root out the terrorists while the body count continued to rise. When they finally received the break they needed, the showdown was brutal and vicious. Supergirl moved in to search for survivors once all firing had ceased, the DEO agents hanging back until she gave the all clear. Her red boots carefully pushing through the destruction as she checked each body for life. Such a waste. So much hatred. So much fear. What did any of this serve? Her heart hurt, it actually hurt with sadness.

“All…” her voice cracked with emotion. Alex’s voice came through the radio, “Supergirl? Repeat. You cut out.” Supergirl took a breath to calm herself, and swallowed the thick lump in her throat. “All clear. No survivors.” “Thank you. The team is on their way. We need you back here.” Kara didn't like the tone in her sister’s voice and sped back. “What’s wrong?” Alex’s extended hesitation and averted eyes confirmed Kara’s concern.

“Agents Monroe and Dean were injured.” Kara glanced over her sister's shoulder at the two agents being attended to. “Okay, do you...” she trailed off when her sister raised a hand. Stepping closer, Alex took one of Kara’s hands, squeezing. “Kara, Agent Gonzalez was killed.” “No” came Kara’s strangled whisper, head slowly shaking in denial. She couldn't breathe, the air in her lungs had turned to mud. Leaning over, she braced her hands on her knees, blonde hair falling forward. She felt her sister’s hand on her back, through the roaring in her ears she heard Alex's voice telling her this was absolutely not her fault. So, yeah. It had been a supremely shitty day.

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As exhausted and sad and angry as they all were, still they gathered at the bar that night to celebrate the life of Agent Gonzalez.

Alex was worried about her sister. Kara wasn't exactly isolating, in fact she was playing darts at the moment. But she had been quiet and subdued, not words typically used to describe Kara. Maggie and Alex stood off to the side of the group, watching the darts competition and sipping beers. It was Kara’s turn, and just as she pulled her hand back, she stilled. When Kara turned and let the darts fall to the floor, Alex immediately stepped forward on high alert. “Kara?” But as Kara moved toward the door and Alex tried to follow, Maggie reached out, taking hold of her arm. Alex gaped at Maggie with urgent confusion. “Babe, I need to check on her.” Maggie smiled softly, shaking her head slowly. “Just watch.” Alex's face scrunched as she turned back to Kara, now standing only a few steps from the door. Just as Alex opened her mouth to question Maggie, the door opened. And in walked Lena Luthor. They watched as the dark haired woman walked directly up to Kara, showing no hesitation to drop her obviously expensive purse on the bar floor to wrap her arms tightly around the blonde's shoulders.

And they watched as Kara melted into the embrace, burying her face in Lena’s neck when she couldn't hold the tears in any longer. Her body shook, and Lena just held her. A flare of jealousy and hurt surged through Alex as Kara clung to Lena. Maggie felt it and reached up to take her girlfriend’s chin firmly between her fingers, turning her face to meet her own eyes. “Alex, stop. Just stop. She will ALWAYS need you. But she needs this, too. And that’s ok.” She leaned up to kiss Alex gently. After a moment, Alex pulled away and considered her sister and Lena. “I don't even know what this…” she waved in the women’s direction “...is. Why is Lena even here? Did Kara call her?” “No. I did.” “Why?” This was her sister and she had no idea what was happening. “Well, a couple reasons. First of all, Kara is terrified of hurting you, of disappointing you. She’s Supergirl…” Maggie gestured air quotes. “And she thinks that means she always needs to be strong, especially for you. That girl is completely selfless, and she loves you with every fiber of her being. To the point of putting you before her own needs.” While Maggie talked, Alex’s eyes moved from Kara to Maggie and back to Kara. Her chest heavy at the thought that Kara could ever feel like a disappointment. “The second reason I called Lena, is because Kara never would have. As much as she needed that…” she nodded in Kara’s direction, “...I know Kara wouldn't want to be a burden. She cares so much for that woman, that she would rather go it alone than to cause her any inconvenience.” Tears were burning Alex’s eyes by this point. “How do you know all of this about my own sister, but I don't?” Maggie rubbed Alex’s arm. “Don't be too hard on yourself. You are too close to it, to her. She’s your sister, you have a very specific picture of her.” Alex watched as Lena held Kara’s face in her hands, gently wiping away tears. Watched her lips moving, and Kara nodding. Watched Lena press a kiss to Kara’s forehead before wrapping her arms around her again. “Okay…” Alex continued, still watching her sister closely, “...but how did you know she needed this from Lena?” Maggie barked a laugh, instantly regretting it when she saw the hurt flash across Alex’s face. “I'm sorry, but I honestly don't know how you’ve missed the way Kara talks about her ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. And their chemistry. I think they might actually combust soon.” “What did you say when you called her? Lena, I mean. Was it weird?” Maggie shrugged one shoulder, taking a swig of beer. “It was weird for like a second. She was all cold business at first. But as soon as I told her it was about Kara, it was like a switch had flipped. I let her know that it had been a really bad day and a group of us were meeting here. She asked what time.” Alex nodded slowly and watched her sister take Lena’s hand, leading her to the bar. They stood shoulder to shoulder and chatted while waiting for Lena’s drink. Alex was amazed by how much lighter Kara already appeared as she laughed and leaned into the other woman. Kara introduced Lena to DEO agents she hadn't yet met, and took the darts handed to her. “Thanks.” She took a long pull of her beer before setting it down. “So, who’s my next victim?” Lena immediately stepped forward. “I am.” Kara grinned, and cocked her head. “You. Really. Do you even know how to play?” Wine glass in one hand, Lena held the other out, palm up, two fingers twitching as she directed Kara to give her some darts. “Oh, I think I can probably figure it out. Just to be safe, perhaps you should go first. You know, to show me how it's done.” Alex watched from the back of the group. She watched and she listened. Lena sipped her wine, appraising Kara. “How do you not throw that mini-missile through the wall?” Kara chuckled as she assumed the dart position. “Lots and lots of practice. Entirely unrelated, let me know if you need any holes patched in your walls. I'm an expert.” Lena laughed, green eyes sparkling. Alex watched as her sister graciously lost to Lena. “She hates losing,” she mumbled under her breath. Maggie hummed in partial-agreement. “Usually.” Lena leaned in and whispered something to Kara, who glanced down a nearby hallway before placing a hand at the small of Lena’s back, leading her toward the restroom. Alex watched as Kara leaned against the brick wall while she waited for Lena. And she watched her sister’s foot tap, watched her fidget with her shirt, her glasses, her hair. Just about to go to her, Maggie once again held Alex back. “Just watch.” Alex sighed in annoyance, but watched. Lena came out and laughed at something Kara said as she moved passed into the restroom. Watching Lena pull out her phone, Alex assumed she was checking emails, dealing important LCorp business. Kara exited the restroom, hands energetically flailing about. Alex watched in shock as her sister playfully attacked Lena Luthor, posh billionaire, with her wet hands. And watched with equal shock as said posh billionaire threw her head back and laughed, squirming. Alex glanced at her girlfriend, who stood beside her with a knowing look. When Maggie subtly pointed back to the two women, Alex turned to see that Lena now stood with her back to Kara, her phone held up so they could both see whatever it was she was showing Kara. She watched Kara wrap her arms around Lena’s waist. And she watched Lena’s free hand cover Kara's as the pair laughed. Watched Kara making a comment. And watched Lena tilting her head to meet Kara’s eyes. “Jesus.” Alex whispered. She felt Maggie’s arm wrap around her. “So, you see it now?” Alex just nodded. She tried to keep her face neutral as Kara and Lena approached. It was awkward at first, the conversation strained. “So Lena’s…” Kara paused, and leaned in to whisper something in Lena’s ear. When her friend nodded, Kara continued. “Lena’s been working on something very interesting. It's a sound machine, ya know, like white noise? But for me!” She glanced over to Lena, practically glowing with pride. Lena’s smile matched Kara’s and she enthusiastically picked up the discussion. “Yes. Well I got the idea a couple months ago when Kara was having trouble sleeping.” Green eyes glanced at Kara then back to Alex and Maggie. “I can't even imagine how difficult it is for her to tune out the city, especially when she’s trying to sleep.” Alex didn't realize how stiff she had become until Maggie rubbed her back. She tried to relax, looking to Kara. “You, uh...you had trouble sleeping?” Kara shrugged and adjusted her glasses. “Yeah. There was a baby teething upstairs. It was pretty rough for a few nights.” She shrugged again. Lena continued, “so then I started to brainstorm, and I thought maybe I could come up with something. Something for her whole apartment. There have been times when we’re watching a movie and she can't tune out the world, even when she’s off duty. Or when she's had a bad day. Or feeling sensory overload.” She regarded Kara, a warm smile touching her lips. “I mean, who doesn't want to block out the world when they close their door at night?” Alex glanced at Maggie for a moment. Lena sighed, self-deprecatingly. “I haven't quite worked it out, though.” Kara pulled Lena into a side hug. “You will. And it will be perfect!” Maggie nudged Alex, prompting her to engage. When she didn't speak, Maggie stepped up. “That's actually a really great idea, Lena.” Alex felt uncomfortable and insecure. But when she looked at Kara, and Kara looked at her, she realized this was still Kara. Her sister. And this wasn't a competition. Kara had plenty of sunshine to go around. So Alex took a deep cleansing breath, she wrapped and genuinely smiled at Lena. “Maggie's right, it really is a fantastic idea. Wish I'd thought of it. Maybe I can help you out.” She jumped when Maggie gave her side a little pinch. “Uuuhhh...if you get stuck.” Maggie approvingly rubbed the spot she had pinched. Lena gave Alex an appreciative smile. “That would be amazing. I've done a few preliminary frequency tests. But I don't have the equipment in my National City labs to fully evaluate Kara’s spectrum.” Alex nodded, her scientific-self emerging. “I’m pretty sure we’ve got that completely mapped. I’ll check into it tomorrow and get back to you.” “Excellent.” Lena’s phone rang and she reluctantly excused herself. Kara excitedly pulled Alex into a tight hug, whispering “thanks, sis.” Alex squeezed back. “I love you, Kara. Always.” When Lena returned, she touched Kara’s arm to get her attention. “I'm sorry, but the London office needs to talk to me.” Kara pouted, but said “ok. I’ll walk you out.” Lena nodded and turned to Alex and Maggie. “Thank you for inviting me. I hope to hear from you tomorrow, Agent Danvers.” Looking over to the rest of the group, she offered a slight wave and said, “while I wish it had been under happier circumstances, it was nice to meet you all.” The group returned her goodbye with their own. Alex watched Kara escort Lena across the room, directing her around tables and bodies with a hand on her lower back. Near the door, Lena stopped and turned. Once again she dropped her purse, wrapping her arms around Kara. She watched as they slightly pulled apart, speaking quietly to only each other. Lena’s arms looped over Kara’s shoulders. Kara’s hands on Lena’s hips. “So...do they really not know?” Maggie chuckled. “Nope. Not yet.” Alex studied her. “Shouldn’t we…” she stopped at the look Maggie gave her. “Yeah, yeah…I know.” She turned back see her sister holding the door open for Lena. “Just watch.” Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I do.

#fanfic #supergirl #supercorp #kara x lena #fanfiction #lesbian #reading #sanvers #alex x maggie

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